少年维特之烦恼(英文版)-第13章

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others　with　which　I　had　often　been　reproached。　To　hear　all　this　，　Wilhelm，
uttered　by　her　in　a　voice　of　the　most　sincere　sympathy，　awakened　all
my　passions　；　and　I　am　still　in　a　state　of　extreme　excitement。　I　wish
I　could　find　a　man　to　jeer　me　about　this　event。　I　would　sacrifice　him
to　my　resentment。　The　sight　of　his　blood　might　possibly　be　a　relief　to
my　fury。　A　hundred　times　have　I　seized　a　dagger　，　to　give　ease　to　this
oppressed　heart。　Naturalists　tell　of　a　noble　race　of　horses　that　instinctively
open　a　vein　with　their　teeth，　when　heated　and　exhausted　by　a　long　course，
in　order　to　breathe　more　freely。　I　am　often　tempted　to　open　a　vein，　to
procure　for　myself　everlasting　liberty。

　　MARCH　24。　I　have　tendered　my　resignation　to　the　court。　I　hope　it　will
be　accepted　，　and　you　will　forgive　me　for　not　having　previously　consulted
you。　It　is　necessary　I　should　leave　this　place。　I　know　all　you　will　urge
me　to　stay，　and　therefore　I　beg　you　will　soften　this　news　to　my　mother。
I　am　unable　to　do　anything　for　myself　：　how，　then　，　should　I　be　petent
to　assist　others？　It　will　afflict　her　that　I　should　have　interrupted
that　career　which　would　have　made　me　first　a　privy　councillor　，　and　then
minister，　and　that　I　should　look　behind　me　，　in　place　of　advancing。
Argue　as　you　will　，　bine　all　the　reasons　which　should　have　induced
me　to　remain，　I　am　going　：　that　is　sufficient。　But，　that　you　may　not
be　ignorant　of　my　destination　，　I　may　mention　that　the　Prince　of　——
is　here。　He　is　much　pleased　with　my　pany　；　and，　having　heard　of　my
intention　to　resign　，　he　has　invited　me　to　his　country　house　，　to　pass
the　spring　months　with　him。　I　shall　be　left　pletely　my　own　master；
and　，　as　we　agree　on　all　subjects　but　one，　I　shall　try　my　fortune　，
and　acpany　him。

　　APRIL　l9。　Thanks　for　both　your　letters。　I　delayed　my　reply，　and　withheld
this　letter　，　till　I　should　obtain　an　answer　from　the　court。　I　feared
my　mother　might　apply　to　the　minister　to　defeat　my　purpose。　But　my　request
is　granted，　my　resignation　is　accepted。　I　shall　not　recount　with　what
reluctance　it　was　accorded，　nor　relate　what　the　minister　has　written
：　you　would　only　renew　your　lamentations。　The　crown　prince　has　sent　me
a　present　of　five　and　twenty　ducats　；　and，　indeed　，　such　goodness　has
affected　me　to　tears。　For　this　reason　I　shall　not　require　from　my　mother
the　money　for　which　I　lately　applied。

　　MAY　5。　I　leave　this　place　to…morrow　；　and，　as　my　native　place　is
only　six　miles　from　the　high　road　，　I　intend　to　visit　it　once　more　，
and　recall　the　happy　dreams　of　my　childhood。　I　shall　enter　at　the　same
gate　through　which　I　came　with　my　mother，　when　，　after　my　father's　death，
she　left　that　delightful　retreat　to　immure　herself　in　your　melancholy
town。　Adieu　，　my　dear　friend　：　you　shall　hear　of　my　future　career。

　　MAY　9。　I　have　paid　my　visit　to　my　native　place　with　all　the　devotion
of　a　pilgrim，　and　have　experienced　many　unexpected　emotions。　Near　the
great　elm　tree，　which　is　a　quarter　of　a　league　from　the　village，　I　got
out　of　the　carriage　，　and　sent　it　on　before，　that　alone　，　and　on　foot，
I　might　enjoy　vividly　and　heartily　all　the　pleasure　of　my　recollections。
I　stood　there　under　that　same　elm　which　was　formerly　the　term　and　object
of　my　walks。　How　things　have　since　changed！　Then　，　in　happy　ignorance，
I　sighed　for　a　world　I　did　not　know　，　where　I　hoped　to　find　every　pleasure
and　enjoyment　which　my　heart　could　desire　；　and　now，　on　my　return　from
that　wide　world　，　O　my　friend，　how　many　disappointed　hopes　and　unsuccessful
plans　have　I　brought　back　！

　　As　I　contemplated　the　mountains　which　lay　stretched　out　before　me　，
I　thought　how　often　they　had　been　the　object　of　my　dearest　desires。　Here
used　I　to　sit　for　hours　together　with　my　eyes　bent　upon　them，　ardently
longing　to　wander　in　the　shade　of　those　woods　，　to　lose　myself　in　those
valleys　，　which　form　so　delightful　an　object　in　the　distance。　With　what
reluctance　did　I　leave　this　charming　spot　；　when　my　hour　of　recreation
was　over，　and　my　leave　of　absence　expired！　I　drew　near　to　the　village
：　all　the　well…known　old　summerhouses　and　gardens　were　recognised　again
；　I　disliked　the　new　ones，　and　all　other　alterations　which　had　taken
place。　I　entered　the　village，　and　all　my　former　feelings　returned。　I
cannot，　my　dear　friend　，　enter　into　details　，　charming　as　were　my　sensations
：　they　would　be　dull　in　the　narration。　I　had　intended　to　lodge　in　the
market…place，　near　our　old　house。　As　soon　as　I　entered　，　I　perceived
that　the　schoolroom　，　where　our　childhood　had　been　taught　by　that　good
old　woman　，　was　converted　into　a　shop。　I　called　to　mind　the　sorrow　，
the　heaviness　，　the　tears，　and　oppression　of　heart，　which　I　experienced
in　that　confinement。　Every　step　produced　some　particular　impression。　A
pilgrim　in　the　Holy　Land　does　not　meet　so　many　spots　pregnant　with　tender
recollections　，　and　his　soul　is　hardly　moved　with　greater　devotion。　One
incident　will　serve　for　illustration。　I　followed　the　course　of　a　stream
to　a　farm　，　formerly　a　delightful　walk　of　mine　，　and　paused　at　the　spot，
where　，　when　boys，　we　used　to　amuse　ourselves　making　ducks　and　drakes
upon　the　water。　I　recollected　so　well　how　I　used　formerly　to　watch　the
course　of　that　same　stream，　following　it　with　inquiring　eagerness，　forming
romantic　ideas　of　the　countries　it　was　to　pass　through；　but　my　imagination
was　soon　exhausted：　while　the　water　continued　flowing　farther　and　farther
on，　till　my　fancy　became　bewildered　by　the　contemplation　of　an　invisible
distance。　Exactly　such，　my　dear　friend　，　so　happy　and　so　confined　，
were　the　thoughts　of　our　good　ancestors。　Their　feelings　and　their　poetry
were　fresh　as　childhood。　And，　when　Ulysses　talks　of　the　immeasurable
sea　and　boundless　earth　，　his　epithets　are　true，　natural，　deeply　felt，
and　mysterious。　Of　what　importance　is　it　that　I　have　learned，　with　every
schoolboy　，　that　the　world　is　round？　Man　needs　but　little　earth　for
enjoyment　，　and　still　less　for　his　final　repose。

　　I　am　at　present　with　the　prince　at　his　hunting　lodge。　He　is　a　man
with　whom　one　can　live　happily。　He　is　honest　and　unaffected。　There　are，
however　，　some　strange　characters　about　him，　whom　I　cannot　at　all　understand。
They　do　not　seem　vicious，　and　yet　they　do　not　carry　the　appearance　of
thoroughly　honest　men。　Sometimes　I　am　disposed　to　believe　them　honest　，
and　yet　I　cannot　persuade　myself　to　confide　in　them。　It　grieves　me　to
hear　the　prince　occasionally　talk　of　things　which　he　has　only　read　or
heard　of，　and　always　with　the　same　view　in　which　they　have　been　represented
by　others。

　　He　values　my　understanding　and　talents　more　highly　than　my　heart，
but　I　am　proud　of　the　latter　only。　It　is　the　sole　source　of　everything
of　our　strength　，　happiness，　and　misery。　All　the　knowledge　I　possess
every　one　else　can　acquire，　but　my　heart　is　exclusively　my　own。

　　MAY　25。　I　have　had　a　plan　in　my　head　of　which　I　did　not　intend　to
speak　to　you　until　it　was　acplished：　now　that　it　has　failed　，　I　may
as　well　mention　it。　I　wished　to　enter　the　army，　and　had　long　been　desirous
of　taking　the　step。　This，　indeed　，　was　the　chief　reason　for　my　ing
here　with　the　prince，　as　he　is　a　general　in　the　service。　I　municated
my　design　to　him　during　one　of　our　walks　together。　He　disapproved　of　it，
and　it　would　have　been　actual　madness　not　to　have　listened　to　his　reasons。

　　JUNE　11。　Say　what　you　will，　I　can　remain　here　no　longer。　Why　should
I　remain？　Time　hangs　heavy　upon　my　hands。　The　prince　is　as　gracious　to
me　as　any　one　could　be，　and　yet　I　am　not　at　my　ease。　There　is，　indeed，
nothing　in　mon　between　us。　He　is　a　man　of　understanding，　but　quite
of　the　ordinary　kind。　His　conversation　affords　me　no　more　amusement　than
I　should　derive　from　the　perusal　of　a　well…written　book。　I　shall　remain
here　a　week　Ionger，　and　then　start　again　on　my　travels。　My　drawings　are
the　best　things　I　have　done　since　I　came　here。　The　prince　has　a　taste
for　the　arts，　and　would　improve　if　his　mind　were　not　fettered　by　cold
rules　and　mere　technical　ideas。　I　often　lose　patience　，　when　，　with
a　glowing　imagination　，　I　am　giving　expression　to　art　and　nature　，　he
interferes　with　learned　suggestions　，　and　uses　at　random　the　technical
phraseology　of　artists。

　　JULY　16。　Once　more　I　am　a　wanderer，　a　pilgrim，　through　the　world。
But　what　else　are　you　！

　　JULY　18。　Whither　am　I　going　？　I　will　tell　you　in　confidence。　I　am
obliged　to　continue　a　fortnight　longer　here　，　and　then　I　think　it　would
be　better　for　me　to　visit　the　mines　in——。　But　I　am　only　deluding　myself
thus。　The　fact　is　，　I　wish　to　be　near　Charlotte　again，　that　is　all。
I　smile　at　the　suggestions　of　my　heart，　and　obey　its　dictates。

　　JULY　29。　No　，　no　！　it　is　yet　well　all　is　well　！　I　her　husband！
O　God　，　who　gave　me　being，　if　thou　hadst　destined　this　happiness　for
me，　my　whole　life　would　have　been　one　continual　thanksgiving　！　But　I
will　not　murmur　——　forgive　these　tears，　forgive　these　fruitless　wishes。
She　——　my　wife！　Oh　，　the　very　thought　of　folding　that　dearest　of　Heaven's
creatures　in　my　arms！　Dear　Wilhelm　，　my　whole　frame　feels　convulsed
when　I　see　Albert　put　his　arms　around　her　slender　waist　！

　　And　shall　I　avow　it　？　Why　should　I　not　，　Wilhelm？　She　would　have
been　happier　with　me　than　with　him。　Albert　is　not　the　man　to　satisfy　the
wishes　of　such　a　heart。　He　wants　a　certain　sensibility；　he　wants　——
in　short，　their　hearts　do　not　beat　in　unison。　How　often，　my　dear　friend，
im　reading　a　passage　from　some　interesting　book　，　when　my　heart　and　Charlotte's
seemed　to　meet，　and　in　a　hundred　other　instances　when　our　sentiments
were　unfolded　by　the　story　of　some　fictitious　character　，　have　I　felt
that　we　were　made　for　each　other！　But，　dear　Wilhelm　，　he　loves　her
with　his　whole　soul　；　and　what　does　not　such　a　love　deserve？

　　I　have　been　interrupted　by　an　insufferable　visit。　I　have　dried　my
tears　，　and　posed　my　thoughts。　Adieu，　my　best　friend　！

　　AUGUST　4。　I　am　not　alone　unfortunate。　All　men　are　disappointed　in
their　hopes　，　and　deceived　in　their　expectations。　I　have　paid　a　visit
to　my　good　old　woman　under　the　lime…trees。　The　eldest　boy　ran　out　to　meet
me：　his　exclamation　of　joy　brought　out　his　mother，　but　she　had　a　very
melancholy　look。　Her　first　word　was　，　〃Alas！　dear　sir　，　my　little　John
is　dead。〃　He　was　the　youngest　of　her　children。　I　was　silent。　〃And　my　husband
has　returned　from　Switzerland　without　any　money　；　and，　if　some　kind
people　had　not　assisted　him　，　he　must　have　begged　his　way　home。　He　was
taken　ill　with　fever　on　his　journey。〃　I　could　answer　nothing，　but　made
the　little　one　a　present。　She　invited　me　to　take　some　fruit　：　I　plied，
and　left　the　place　with　a　sorrowful　heart。

　　AUGUST　21。　My　sensations　are　constantly　changing。　Sometimes　a　happy
prospect　opens　before　me；　but　alas　！　it　is　only　for　a　moment；　and　then，
when　I　am　lost　in　reverie　，　I　cannot　help　saying　to　myself　，　〃If　Albert
were　to　die　？——　Yes，　she　would　bee　——　and　I　should　be〃　——　and
so　I　pursue　a　chimera　，　till　it　leads　me　to　the　edge　of　a　precipice