youth-第12章

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smile　under　which　he　was　accustomed　to　conceal　his　feelings；　and

more　especially　that　feeling　of　shame　for　his　father　which　he

must　have　experienced　in　our　house。



〃So；　Nicolas　Petrovitch；〃　the　old　man　said　to　me；　following　me

everywhere　about　the　room　as　I　went　through　the　operation　of

dressing；　while　all　the　while　his　fat　fingers　kept　turning　over

and　over　a　silver　snuff…box　with　which　my　grandmother　had　once

presented　me；　〃as　soon　as　ever　I　heard　from　my　son　that　you　had

passed　your　examinations　so　well　（though　of　course　your　abilities

are　well…known　to　everyone）；　I　at　once　came　to　congratulate　you；

my　dear　boy。　Why；　I　have　carried　you　on　my　shoulders　before　now；

and　God　knows　that　I　love　you　as　though　you　were　my　own　son。　My

Ilinka　too　has　always　been　fond　of　you；　and　feels　quite　at　home

with　you。〃



Meanwhile　the　said　Ilinka　remained　sitting　silently　by　the

window；　apparently　absorbed　in　contemplation　of　my　three…cornered

cap；　and　every　now　and　then　angrily　muttering　something　in　an

undertone。



〃Now；　I　also　wanted　to　ask　you；　Nicolas　Petrovitch。〃　His　father

went　on；　〃whether　my　son　did　well　in　the　examinations？　He　tells

me　that　he　is　going　to　be　in　the　same　faculty　as　yourself；　and

that　therefore　you　will　be　able　to　keep　an　eye　on　him；　and　advise

him；　and　so　on。〃



〃Oh；　yes；　I　suppose　he　passed　well；〃　I　replied；　with　a　glance　at

Ilinka；　who；　conscious　of　my　gaze；　reddened　violently　and　ceased

to　move　his　lips　about。

〃And　might　he　spend　the　day　with　you？〃　was　the　father's　next

request；　which　he　made　with　a　deprecatory　smile；　as　though　he

stood　in　actual　awe　of　me；　yet　always　keeping　so　close　to　me；

wherever　I　moved；　that　the　fumes　of　the　drink　and　tobacco　in

which　he　had　been　indulging　were　constantly　perceptible　to　my

nostrils。　I　felt　greatly　vexed　at　his　placing　me　in　such　a　false

position　towards　his　son；　as　well　as　at　his　distracting　my

attention　from　what　was；　to　me；　a　highly　important　operation

namely；　the　operation　of　dressing；　while；　over　and　above　all；　I

was　annoyed　by　the　smell　of　liquor　with　which　he　followed　me

about。　Accordingly；　I　said　very　coldly　that　I　could　not　have　the

pleasure　of　Ilinka's　company　that　day；　since　I　should　be　out。



〃Ah！　I　suppose　you　are　going　to　see　your　sister？〃　put　in　Ilinka

with　a　smile；　but　without　looking　at　me。　〃Well；　I　too　have

business　to　attend　to。〃　At　this　I　felt　even　more　put　out；　as　well

as　pricked　with　compunction；　so；　to　soften　my　refusal　a　little；　I

hastened　to　say　that　the　reason　why　I　should　not　be　at　home　that

day　was　that　I　had　to　call　upon　the　PRINCE　Ivan　Ivanovitch；　the

PRINCESS　Kornakoff；　and　the　Monsieur　Iwin　who　held　such　an

influential　post；　as　well　as；　probably；　to　dine　with　the　PRINCESS

Nechludoff　（for　I　thought　that；　on　learning　what　important　folk　I

was　in　the　habit　of　mixing　with；　the　Graps　would　no　longer　think

it　worth　while　to　pretend　to　me）。　However；　just　as　they　were

leaving；　I　invited　Ilinka　to　come　and　see　me　another　day；　but　he

only　murmured　something　unintelligible；　and　it　was　plain　that　he

meant　never　to　set　foot　in　the　house　again。



When　they　had　departed；　I　set　off　on　my　round　of　calls。　Woloda；

whom　I　had　asked　that　morning　to　come　with　me；　in　order　that　I

might　not　feel　quite　so　shy　as　when　altogether　alone；　had

declined　on　the　ground　that　for　two　brothers　to　be　seen　driving

in　one　drozhki　would　appear　so　horribly　〃proper。〃



XVIII



THE　VALAKHIN　FAMILY



Accordingly　I　set　off　alone。　My　first　call　on　the　route　lay　at

the　Valakhin　mansion。　It　was　now　three　years　since　I　had　seen

Sonetchka；　and　my　love　for　her　had　long　become　a　thing　of　the

past；　yet　there　still　lingered　in　my　heart　a　sort　of　clear；

touching　recollection　of　our　bygone　childish　affection。　At

intervals；　also；　during　those　three　years；　I　had　found　myself

recalling　her　memory　with　such　force　and　vividness　that　I　had

actually　shed　tears；　and　imagined　myself　to　be　in　love　with　her

again；　but　those　occasions　had　not　lasted　more　than　a　few　minutes

at　a　time；　and　had　been　long　in　recurring。



I　knew　that　Sonetchka　and　her　mother　had　been　abroadthat；　in

fact；　they　had　been　so　for　the　last　two　years。　Also；　I　had　heard

that　they　had　been　in　a　carriage　accident；　and　that　Sonetchka's

face　had　been　so　badly　cut　with　the　broken　glass　that　her　beauty

was　marred。　As　I　drove　to　their　house；　I　kept　recalling　the　old

Sonetchka　to　my　mind；　and　wondering　what　she　would　look　like　when

I　met　her。　Somehow　I　imagined　that；　after　her　two　years'　sojourn

abroad；　she　would　look　very　tall；　with　a　beautiful　waist；　and；

though　sedate　and　imposing；　extremely　attractive。　Somehow；　also；

my　imagination　refused　to　picture　her　with　her　face　disfigured

with　scars；　but；　on　the　contrary；　since　I　had　read　somewhere　of　a

lover　who　remained　true　to　his　adored　one　in　spite　of　her

disfigurement　with　smallpox；　strove　to　imagine　that　I　was　in　love

with　Sonetchka；　for　the　purpose　of　priding　myself　on　holding　to

my　troth　in　spite　of　her　scarsYet；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　I　was

not　really　in　love　with　her　during　that　drive；　but　having　once

stirred　up　in　myself　old　MEMORIES　of　love；　felt　PREPARED　to　fall

into　that　condition；　and　the　more　so　because；　of　late；　my

conscience　had　often　been　pricking　me　for　having　discarded　so

many　of　my　old　flames。



The　Valakhins　lived　in　a　neat　little　wooden　mansion　approached　by

a　courtyard。　I　gained　admittance　by　ringing　a　bell　（then　a　rarity

in　Moscow）；　and　was　received　by　a　mincing；　smartly…attired　page。

He　either　could　not　or　made　no　attempt　to　inform　me　whether　there

was　any　one　at　home；　but；　leaving　me　alone　in　the　dark　hall；　ran

off　down　a　still　darker　corridor。　For　a　long　time　I　waited　in

solitude　in　this　gloomy　place；　out　of　which；　in　addition　to　the

front　door　and　the　corridor；　there　only　opened　a　door　which　at

the　moment　was　closed。　Rather　surprised　at　the　dismal　appearance

of　the　house；　I　came　to　the　conclusion　that　the　reason　was　that

its　inmates　were　still　abroad。　After　five　minutes；　however；　the

door　leading　into　the　salon　was　opened　by　the　page　boy；　who　then

conducted　me　into　a　neat；　but　not　richly　furnished；　drawing…room；

where　presently　I　was　joined　by　Sonetchka。



She　was　now　seventeen　years　old；　and　very　small　and　thin；　as　well

as　of　an　unhealthy　pallor　of　face。　No　scars　at　all　were　visible；

however；　and　the　beautiful；　prominent　eyes　and　bright；　cheerful

smile　were　the　same　as　I　had　known　and　loved　in　my　childhood。　I

had　not　expected　her　to　look　at　all　like　this；　and　therefore

could　not　at　once　lavish　upon　her　the　sentiment　which　I　had　been

preparing　on　the　way。　She　gave　me　her　hand　in　the　English　fashion

（which　was　then　as　much　a　novelty　as　a　door…bell）；　and；　bestowing

upon　mine　a　frank　squeeze；　sat　down　on　the　sofa　by　my　side。



〃Ah！　how　glad　I　am　to　see　you；　my　dear　Nicolas！〃　she　said　as　she

looked　me　in　the　face　with　an　expression　of　pleasure　so　sincere

that　in　the　words　〃my　dear　Nicolas〃　I　caught　the　purely　friendly

rather　than　the　patronising　note。　To　my　surprise　she　seemed　to　me

simpler；　kinder；　and　more　sisterly　after　her　foreign　tour　than

she　had　been　before　it。　True；　I　could　now　see　that　she　had　two

small　scars　between　her　nose　and　temples；　but　her　wonderful　eyes

and　smile　fitted　in　exactly　with　my　recollections；　and　shone　as

of　old。



〃But　how　greatly　you　have　changed！〃　she　went　on。　〃You　are　quite

grown…up　now。　And　I…I…well；　what　do　you　think　of　me？〃



〃I　should　never　have　known　you；〃　I　replied；　despite　the　fact　that

at　the　moment　I　was　thinking　that　I　should　have　known　her

anywhere　and　always。



〃Why？　Am　I　grown　so　ugly？〃　she　inquired　with　a　movement　of　her

head。



〃Oh；　no；　decidedly　not！〃　I　hastened　to　reply。　〃But　you　have　grown

taller　and　older。　As　for　being　uglier；　why；　you　are　even



〃Yes；　yes；　never　mind。　Do　you　remember　our　dances　and　games；　and

St。　Jerome；　and　Madame　Dorat？〃　（As　a　matter　of　fact；　I　could　not

recollect　any　Madame　Dorat；　but　saw　that　Sonetchka　was　being　led

away　by　the　joy　of　her　childish　recollections；　and　mixing　them　up

a　little）。　〃Ah！　what　a　lovely　time　it　was！〃　she　went　onand　once

more　there　shone　before　me　the　same　eyes　and　smile　as　I　had

always　carried　in　my　memory。　While　she　had　been　speaking；　I　had

been　thinking　over　my　position　at　the　present　moment；　and　had

come　to　the　conclusion　that　I　was　in　love　with　her。　The　instant；

however；　that　I　arrived　at　that　result　my　careless；　happy　mood

vanished；　a　mist　seemed　to　arise　before　me　which　concealed　even

her　eyes　and　smile；　and；　blushing　hotly；　I　became　tongue…tied　and

ill…at…ease。



〃But　times　are　different　now；〃　she　went　on　with　a　sigh　and　a

little　lifting　of　her　eyebrows。　〃Everything　seems　worse　than　it

used　to　be；　and　ourselves　too。　Is　it　not　so；　Nicolas？〃



I　could　return　her　no　answer；　but　sat　silently　looking　at　her。



〃Where　are　those　Iwins　and　Kornakoffs　now？　Do　you　remember　them？〃

she　continued；　looking；　I　think；　with　some　curiosity　at　my

blushing；　downcast　countenance。　〃What　splendid　times　we　used　to

have！〃



Still　I　could　not　answer　her。



The　next　moment；　I　was　relieved　from　this　awkward　position　by　the

entry　of　old　Madame　Valakhin　into　the　room。　Rising；　I　bowed；　and

straightway　recovered　my　faculty　of　speech。　On　the　other　hand；　an

extraordinary　change　now　took　place　in　Sonetchka。　All　her　gaiety

and　bonhomie　disappeared；　her　smile　became　quite　a　different　one；

and；　except　for　the　point　of　her　shortness　of　stature；　she　became

just　the　lady　from　abroad　whom　I　had　expected　to　find　in　her。　Yet

for　this　change　there　was　no　apparent　reason；　since　her　mother

smiled　every　whit　as　pleasantly；　and　expressed　in　her　every

movement　just　the　same　benignity；　as　of　old。　Seating　herself　in

her　arm…chair；　the　old　lady　signed　to　me　to　come　and　sit　beside

her；　after　which　she　said　something　to　her　daughter　in　English；

and　Sonetchka　left　the　rooma　fact　which　still　further　helped　to

relieve　me。　Madame　then　inquired　after　my　father　and　brother；　and

passed　on　to　speak　of　her　great　bereavementthe　loss　of　her

husband。　Presently；　however；　she　seemed　to　become　sensible　of　the

fact　that　I　was　not　helping　much　in　the　conversation；　for　she

gave　me　a　look　as　much　as　to　say：　〃If；　now；　my　dear　boy；　you　were

to　get　up；　to　take　your　leave；　and　to　depart；　it　would　be　well。〃

But　a　curious　circumstance　had　overtaken　me。　While　she　had　been

speaking　of　her　bereavement；　I　had　recalled　to　myself；　not　only

the　fact　that　I　was　in　love；　but　the　probability　that　the　mother

knew　of　it：　whereupon　such　a　fit　of　bashfulness　had　come　upon　me

that　I　felt　powerless　to　put　any　member　of　my　body　to　its

legitimate　use。　I　knew　that　if　I　were　to　rise　and　walk　I　should

have　to　think　where　to　plant　each　foot；　what　to　do　with　my　head；

what　with　my　hands；　and　so　on。　In　a　word；　I　foresaw　that　I　should

be　very　much　as　I　had　been　on　the　night　when　I　partook　too　freely

of　champagne；　and　therefo