youth-第2章

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like　thatorphans　or　old　womenat　once；　yet　never　tell　a　soul

what　I　am　doing　for　them。



〃Also；　I　will　have　a　room　here　of　my　very　own　（St。　Jerome's；

probably）；　and　look　after　it　myself；　and　keep　it　perfectly　clean。

I　will　never　let　any　one　do　anything　for　me；　for　every　one　is

just　a　human　being　like　myself。　Likewise　I　will　walk　every　day；

not　drive；　to　the　University。　Even　if　some　one　gives　me　a　drozhki

＇Russian　phaeton。＇　I　will　sell　it；　and　devote　the　money　to　the

poor。　Everything　I　will　do　exactly　and　always〃　（what　that

〃always〃　meant　I　could　not　possibly　have　said；　but　at　least　I　had

a　vivid　consciousness　of　its　connoting　some　kind　of　prudent；

moral；　and　irreproachable　life）。　〃I　will　get　up　all　my　lectures

thoroughly；　and　go　over　all　the　subjects　beforehand；　so　that　at

the　end　of　my　first　course　I　may　come　out　top　and　write　a　thesis。

During　my　second　course　also　I　will　get　up　everything　beforehand；

so　that　I　may　soon　be　transferred　to　the　third　course；　and　at

eighteen　come　out　top　in　the　examinations；　and　receive　two　gold

medals；　and　go　on　to　be　Master　of　Arts；　and　Doctor；　and　the　first

scholar　in　Europe。　Yes；　in　all　Europe　I　mean　to　be　the　first

scholar。Well；　what　next？〃　I　asked　myself　at　this　point。

Suddenly　it　struck　me　that　dreams　of　this　sort　were　a　form　of

pridea　sin　which　I　should　have　to　confess　to　the　priest　that

very　evening；　so　I　returned　to　the　original　thread　of　my

meditations。　〃When　getting　up　my　lectures　I　will　go　to　the

Vorobievi　Gori；　＇Sparrow　Hillsa　public　park　near　Moscow。＇　and

choose　some　spot　under　a　tree；　and　read　my　lectures　over　there。

Sometimes　I　will　take　with　me　something　to　eatcheese　or　a　pie

from　Pedotti's；　or　something　of　the　kind。　After　that　I　will　sleep

a　little；　and　then　read　some　good　book　or　other；　or　else　draw

pictures　or　play　on　some　instrument　（certainly　I　must　learn　to

play　the　flute）。　Perhaps　SHE　too　will　be　walking　on　the　Vorobievi

Gori；　and　will　approach　me　one　day　and　say；　'Who　are　you？'　and　I

shall　look　at　her；　oh；　so　sadly；　and　say　that　I　am　the　son　of　a

priest；　and　that　I　am　happy　only　when　I　am　there　alone；　quite

alone。　Then　she　will　give　me　her　hand；　and　say　something　to　me；

and　sit　down　beside　me。　So　every　day　we　shall　go　to　the　same

spot；　and　be　friends　together；　and　I　shall　kiss　her。　But　no！　That

would　not　be　right！　On　the　contrary；　from　this　day　forward　I

never　mean　to　look　at　a　woman　again。　Never；　never　again　do　I　mean

to　walk　with　a　girl；　nor　even　to　go　near　one　if　I　can　help　it。

Yet；　of　course；　in　three　years'　time；　when　I　have　come　of　age；　I

shall　marry。　Also；　I　mean　to　take　as　much　exercise　as　ever　I　can；

and　to　do　gymnastics　every　day；　so　that；　when　I　have　turned

twenty…five；　I　shall　be　stronger　even　than　Rappo。　On　my　first

day's　training　I　mean　to　hold　out　half　a　pood　＇The　Pood　=　40

Russian　pounds。＇　at　arm's　length　for　five　minutes；　and　the　next

day　twenty…one　pounds；　and　the　third　day　twenty…two　pounds；　and

so　on；　until　at　last　I　can　hold　out　four　poods　in　each　hand；　and

be　stronger　even　than　a　porter。　Then；　if　ever　any　one　should　try

to　insult　me　or　should　begin　to　speak　disrespectfully　of　HER；　I

shall　take　him　so；　by　the　front　of　his　coat；　and　lift　him　up　an

arshin　＇The　arshin　=　2　feet　3　inches。＇　or　two　with　one　hand；　and

just　hold　him　there；　so　that　he　may　feel　my　strength　and　cease

from　his　conduct。　Yet　that　too　would　not　be　right。　No；　no；　it

would　not　matter；　I　should　not　hurt　him；　merely　show　him　that　I〃



Let　no　one　blame　me　because　the　dreams　of　my　youth　were　as

foolish　as　those　of　my　childhood　and　boyhood。　I　am　sure　that；

even　if　it　be　my　fate　to　live　to　extreme　old　age　and　to　continue

my　story　with　the　years；　I；　an　old　man　of　seventy；　shall　be　found

dreaming　dreams　just　as　impossible　and　childish　as　those　I　am

dreaming　now。　I　shall　be　dreaming　of　some　lovely　Maria　who　loves

me；　the　toothless　old　man；　as　she　might　love　a　Mazeppa；　of　some

imbecile　son　who；　through　some　extraordinary　chance；　has　suddenly

become　a　minister　of　state；　of　my　suddenly　receiving　a　windfall

of　a　million　of　roubles。　I　am　sure　that　there　exists　no　human

being；　no　human　age；　to　whom　or　to　which　that　gracious；

consolatory　power　of　dreaming　is　totally　a　stranger。　Yet；　save

for　the　one　general　feature　of　magic　and　impossibility；　the

dreams　of　each　human　being；　of　each　age　of　man；　have　their　own

distinguishing　characteristics。　At　the　period　upon　which　I　look

as　having　marked　the　close　of　my　boyhood　and　the　beginning　of　my

youth；　four　leading　sentiments　formed　the　basis　of　my　dreams。　The

first　of　those　sentiments　was　love　for　HERfor　an　imaginary

woman　whom　I　always　pictured　the　same　in　my　dreams；　and　whom　I

somehow　expected　to　meet　some　day　and　somewhere。　This　she　of　mine

had　a　little　of　Sonetchka　in　her；　a　little　of　Masha　as　Masha

could　look　when　she　stood　washing　linen　over　the　clothes…tub；　and

a　little　of　a　certain　woman　with　pearls　round　her　fair　white　neck

whom　I　had　once　seen　long；　long　ago　at　a　theatre；　in　a　box　below

our　own。　My　second　sentiment　was　a　craving　for　love。　I　wanted

every　one　to　know　me　and　to　love　me。　I　wanted　to　be　able　to　utter

my　nameNicola　Irtenieffand　at　once　to　see　every　one

thunderstruck　at　it；　and　come　crowding　round　me　and　thanking　me

for　something　or　another；　I　hardly　knew　what。　My　third　sentiment

was　the　expectation　of　some　extraordinary；　glorious　happiness

that　was　impendingsome　happiness　so　strong　and　assured　as　to

verge　upon　ecstasy。　Indeed；　so　firmly　persuaded　was　I　that　very；

very　soon　some　unexpected　chance　would　suddenly　make　me　the

richest　and　most　famous　man　in　the　world　that　I　lived　in

constant；　tremulous　expectation　of　this　magic　good　fortune

befalling　me。　I　was　always　thinking　to　myself　that　〃IT　is

beginning；〃　and　that　I　should　go　on　thereafter　to　attain

everything　that　a　man　could　wish　for。　Consequently；　I　was　for　ever

hurrying　from　place　to　place；　in　the　belief　that　〃IT〃　must　be

〃beginning〃　just　where　I　happened　not　to　be。　Lastly；　my　fourth

and　principal　sentiment　of　all　was　abhorrence　of　myself；　mingled

with　regretyet　a　regret　so　blended　with　the　certain　expectation

of　happiness　to　which　I　have　referred　that　it　had　in　it　nothing

of　sorrow。　It　seemed　to　me　that　it　would　be　so　easy　and　natural

for　me　to　tear　myself　away　from　my　past　and　to　remake　itto

forget　all　that　had　been；　and　to　begin　my　life；　with　all　its

relations；　anewthat　the　past　never　troubled　me；　never　clung　to

me　at　all。　I　even　found　a　certain　pleasure　in　detesting　the　past；

and　in　seeing　it　in　a　darker　light　than　the　true　one。　This　note

of　regret　and　of　a　curious　longing　for　perfection　were　the　chief

mental　impressions　which　I　gathered　from　that　new　stage　of　my

growthimpressions　which　imparted　new　principles　to　my　view　of

myself；　of　men；　and　of　God's　world。　O　good　and　consoling　voice；

which　in　later　days；　in　sorrowful　days　when　my　soul　yielded

silently　to　the　sway　of　life's　falseness　and　depravity；　so　often

raised　a　sudden；　bold　protest　against　all　iniquity；　as　well　as

mercilessly　exposed　the　past；　commanded；　nay；　compelled；　me　to

love　only　the　pure　vista　of　the　present；　and　promised　me　all　that

was　fair　and　happy　in　the　future！　O　good　and　consoling　voice！

Surely　the　day　will　never　come　when　you　are　silent？



IV



OUR　FAMILY　CIRCLE



PAPA　was　seldom　at　home　that　spring。　Yet；　whenever　he　was　so；　he

seemed　extraordinarily　cheerful　as　he　either　strummed　his

favourite　pieces　on　the　piano　or　looked　roguishly　at　us　and　made

jokes　about　us　all；　not　excluding　even　Mimi。　For　instance；　he

would　say　that　the　Tsarevitch　himself　had　seen　Mimi　at　the　rink；

and　fallen　so　much　in　love　with　her　that　he　had　presented　a

petition　to　the　Synod　for　divorce；　or　else　that　I　had　been

granted　an　appointment　as　secretary　to　the　Austrian　ambassador

a　piece　of　news　which　he　imparted　to　us　with　a　perfectly　grave

face。　Next；　he　would　frighten　Katenka　with　some　spiders　（of　which

she　was　very　much　afraid）；　engage　in　an　animated　conversation

with　our　friends　Dubkoff　and　Nechludoff；　and　tell　us　and　our

guests；　over　and　over　again；　his　plans　for　the　year。　Although

these　plans　changed　almost　from　day　to　day；　and

were　for　ever　contradicting　one　another；　they　seemed　so

attractive　that　we　were　always　glad　to　listen　to　them；　and

Lubotshka；　in　particular；　would　glue　her　eyes　to　his　face；　so　as

not　to　lose　a　single　word。　One　day　his　plan　would　be　that　he

should　leave　my　brother　and　myself　at　the　University；　and　go　and

live　with　Lubotshka　in　Italy　for　two　years。　Next；　the　plan　would

be　that　he　should　buy　an　estate　on　the　south　coast　of　the　Crimea；

and　take　us　for　an　annual　visit　there；　next；　that　we　should

migrate　en　masse　to　St。　Petersburg；　and　so　forth。　Yet；　in

addition　to　this　unusual　cheerfulness　of　his；　another　change　had

come　over　him　of　latea　change　which　greatly　surprised　me。　This

was　that　he　had　had　some　fashionable　clothes　madean　olive…

coloured　frockcoat；　smart　trousers　with　straps　at　the　sides；　and

a　long　wadded　greatcoat　which　fitted　him　to　perfection。　Often；

too；　there　was　a　delightful　smell　of　scent　about　him　when　he　came

home　from　a　partymore　especially　when　he　had　been　to　see　a　lady

of　whom　Mimi　never　spoke　but　with　a　sigh　and　a　face　that　seemed

to　say：　〃Poor　orphans！　How　dreadful！　It　is　a　good　thing　that　SHE

is　gone　now！〃　and　so　on；　and　so　on。　From　Nicola　（for　Papa　never

spoke　to　us　of　his　gambling）　I　had　learnt　that　he　（Papa）　had　been

very　fortunate　in　play　that　winter；　and　so　had　won　an

extraordinary　amount　of　money；　all　of　which　he　had　placed　in　the

bank　after　vowing　that　he　would　play　no　more　that　spring。

Evidently；　it　was　his　fear　of　being　unable　to　resist　again　doing

so　that　was　rendering　him　anxious　to　leave　for　the　country　as

soon　as　possible。　Indeed；　he　ended　by　deciding　not　to　wait　until

I　had　entered　the　University；　but　to　take　the　girls　to　Petrovskoe

immediately　after　Easter；　and　to　leave　Woloda　and　myself　to

follow　them　at　a　later　season。



All　that　winter；　until　the　opening　of　spring；　Woloda　had　been

inseparable　from　Dubkoff；　while　at　the　same　time　the　pair　of　them

had　cooled　greatly　towards　Dimitri。　Their　chief　amusements　（so　I

gathered　from　conversations　overheard）　were　continual　drinking　of

champagne；　sledge…driving　past　the　windows　of　a　lady　with　whom

both　of　them　appeared　to　be　in　love；　and　dancing　with　hernot　at

children's　parties；　either；　but　at　real　balls！　It　was　this　last

fact　which；　despite　our　love　for　one　another；　placed　a　vast　gulf

between　Woloda　and　myself。　We　felt　that　the　distance　between　a

boy　still　taking　lessons　under　a　tutor　and　a　man　who　danced　at

real；　grown…up　balls　was　too　great　to　allow　of　their　exchanging

mutual　ideas。　Katenka；　too；　seemed　grown…up　now；　and　read

innumerable　novels；　so　that　the　idea　that　she　would　some　day　be

getting　married　no　longer　seemed　to　me　a　joke。　Yet；　though　she

and　Woloda　were　thus　grown…up；　they　never　made　friends　with　one

another；