youth-第28章

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arrived　before　him；　and；　since　the　lecture　was　to　be　delivered　by

a　popular　professor　whom　students　came　to　hear　who　did　not

usually　attend　such　functions；　I　found　almost　every　seat

occupied。　Accordingly　I　secured　Operoff's　place　for　myself　by

spreading　my　notebooks　on　the　desk　before　it；　after　which　I　left

the　room　again　for　a　moment。　When　I　returned　I　perceived　that　my

paraphernalia　had　been　relegated　to　the　bench　behind；　and　the

place　taken　by　Operoff　himself。　I　remarked　to　him　that　I　had

already　secured　it　by　placing　my　notebooks　there。



〃I　know　nothing　about　that；〃　he　replied　sharply；　yet　without

looking　up　at　me。



〃I　tell　you　I　placed　my　notebooks　there；〃　I　repeated；　purposely

trying　to　bluster；　in　the　hope　of　intimidating　him。　〃Every　one

saw　me　do　it；〃　I　added；　including　the　students　near　me　in　my

glance。　Several　of　them　looked　at　me　with　curiosity；　yet　none　of

them　spoke。



〃Seats　cannot　be　booked　here；〃　said　Operoff。　〃Whoever　first　sits

down　in　a　place　keeps　it；〃　and；　settling　himself　angrily　where　he

was；　he　flashed　at　me　a　glance　of　defiance。



〃Well；　that　only　means　that　you　are　a　cad；〃　I　said。



I　have　an　idea　that　he　murmured　something　about　my　being　〃a

stupid　young　idiot；〃　but　I　decided　not　to　hear　it。　What　would　be

the　use；　I　asked　myself；　of　my　hearing　it？　That　we　should　brawl

like　a　couple　of　manants　over　less　than　nothing？　（I　was　very　fond

of　the　word　manants；　and　often　used　it　for　meeting　awkward

junctures。）　Perhaps　I　should　have　said　something　more　had　not；　at

that　moment；　a　door　slammed　and　the　professor　（dressed　in　a　blue

frockcoat；　and　shuffling　his　feet　as　he　walked）　ascended　the

rostrum。



Nevertheless；　when　the　examination　was　about　to　come　on；　and　I

had　need　of　some　one's　notebooks；　Operoff　remembered　his　promise

to　lend　me　his；　and　we　did　our　preparation　together。



XXXVII



AFFAIRS　OF　THE　HEART



Affaires　du　coeur　exercised　me　greatly　that　winter。　In　fact；　I

fell　in　love　three　times。　The　first　time；　I　became　passionately

enamoured　of　a　buxom　lady　whom　I　used　to　see　riding　at　Freitag's

riding…school；　with　the　result　that　every　day　when　she　was　taking

a　lesson　there　（that　is　to　say；　every　Tuesday　and　Friday）　I　used

to　go　to　gaze　at　her；　but　always　in　such　a　state　of　trepidation

lest　I　should　be　seen　that　I　stood　a　long　way　off；　and　bolted

directly　I　thought　her　likely　to　approach　the　spot　where　I　was

standing。　Likewise；　I　used　to　turn　round　so　precipitately　whenever

she　appeared　to　be　glancing　in　my　direction　that　I　never　saw　her

face　well；　and　to　this　day　do　not　know　whether　she　was　really

beautiful　or　not。



Dubkoff；　who　was　acquainted　with　her；　surprised　me　one　day　in　the

riding…school；　where　I　was　lurking　concealed　behind　the　lady's

grooms　and　the　fur　wraps　which　they　were　holding；　and；　having

heard　from　Dimitri　of　my　infatuation；　frightened　me　so　terribly

by　proposing　to　introduce　me　to　the　Amazon　that　I　fled

incontinently　from　the　school；　and　was　prevented　by　the　mere

thought　that　possibly　he　had　told　her　about　me　from　ever　entering

the　place　again；　or　even　from　hiding　behind　her　grooms；　lest　I

should　encounter　her。



Whenever　I　fell　in　love　with　ladies　whom　I　did　not　know；　and

especially　married　women；　I　experienced　a　shyness　a　thousand

times　greater　than　I　had　ever　felt　with　Sonetchka。　I　dreaded

beyond　measure　that　my　divinity　should　learn　of　my　passion；　or

even　of　my　existence；　since　I　felt　sure　that；　once　she　had　done

so；　she　would　be　so　terribly　offended　that　I　should　never　be

forgiven　for　my　presumption。　And　indeed；　if　the　Amazon　referred

to　above　had　ever　come　to　know　how　I　used　to　stand　behind　the

grooms　and　dream　of　seizing　her　and　carrying　her　off　to　some

country　spotif　she　had　ever　come　to　know　how　I　should　have　lived

with　her　there；　and　how　I　should　have　treated　her；　it　is　probable

that　she　would　have　had　very　good　cause　for　indignation！　But　I

always　felt　that；　once　I　got　to　know　her；　she　would　straightway

divine　these　thoughts；　and　consider　herself　insulted　by　my

acquaintance。



As　my　second　affaire　du　coeur；　I；　（for　the　third　time）　fell　in

love　with　Sonetchka　when　I　saw　her　at　her　sister's。　My　second

passion　for　her　had　long　since　come　to　an　end；　but　I　became

enamoured　of　her　this　third　time　through　Lubotshka　sending　me　a

copy…book　in　which　Sonetchka　had　copied　some　extracts　from

Lermontoff's　The　Demon；　with　certain　of　the　more　subtly　amorous

passages　underlined　in　red　ink　and　marked　with　pressed　flowers。

Remembering　how　Woloda　had　been　wont　to　kiss　his　inamorata's

purse　last　year；　I　essayed　to　do　the　same　thing　now；　and　really；

when　alone　in　my　room　in　the　evenings　and　engaged　in　dreaming　as

I　looked　at　a　flower　or　occasionally　pressed　it　to　my　lips；　I

would　feel　a　certain　pleasantly　lachrymose　mood　steal　over　me；

and　remain　genuinely　in　love　（or　suppose　myself　to　be　so）　for　at

least　several　days。



Finally；　my　third　affaire　du　coeur　that　winter　was　connected　with

the　lady　with　whom　Woloda　was　in　love；　and　who　used　occasionally

to　visit　at　our　house。　Yet；　in　this　damsel；　as　I　now　remember；

there　was　not　a　single　beautiful　feature　to　be　foundor；　at　all

events；　none　of　those　which　usually　pleased　me。　She　was　the

daughter　of　a　well…known　Moscow　lady　of　light　and　leading；　and；

petite　and　slender；　wore　long　flaxen　curls　after　the　English

fashion；　and　could　boast　of　a　transparent　profile。　Every　one　said

that　she　was　even　cleverer　and　more　learned　than　her　mother；　but

I　was　never　in　a　position　to　judge　of　that；　since；　overcome　with

craven　bashfulness　at　the　mere　thought　of　her　intellect　and

accomplishments；　I　never　spoke　to　her　alone　but　once；　and　then

with　unaccountable　trepidation。　Woloda's　enthusiasm；　however　（for

the　presence　of　an　audience　never　prevented　him　from　giving　vent

to　his　rapture）；　communicated　itself　to　me　so　strongly　that　I

also　became　enamoured　of　the　lady。　Yet；　conscious　that　he　would

not　be　pleased　to　know　that　two　brothers　were　in　love　with　the

same　girl；　I　never　told　him　of　my　condition。　On　the　contrary；　I

took　special　delight　in　the　thought　that　our　mutual　love　for　her

was　so　pure　that；　though　its　object　was；　in　both　cases；　the　same

charming　being；　we　remained　friends　and　ready；　if　ever　the

occasion　should　arise；　to　sacrifice　ourselves　for　one　another。

Yet　I　have　an　idea　that；　as　regards　self…sacrifice；　he　did　not

quite　share　my　views；　for　he　was　so　passionately　in　love　with　the

lady　that　once　he　was　for　giving　a　member　of　the　diplomatic

corps；　who　was　said　to　be　going　to　marry　her；　a　slap　in　the　face

and　a　challenge　to　a　duel；　but；　for　my　part；　I　would　gladly　have

sacrificed　my　feelings　for　his　sake；　seeing　that　the　fact　that

the　only　remark　I　had　ever　addressed　to　her　had　been　on　the

subject　of　the　dignity　of　classical　music；　and　that　my　passion；

for　all　my　efforts　to　keep　it　alive；　expired　the　following　week；

would　have　rendered　it　the　more　easy　for　me　to　do　so。



XXXVIII



THE　WORLD



As　regards　those　worldly　delights　to　which　I　had　intended；　on

entering　the　University；　to　surrender　myself　in　imitation　of　my

brother；　I　underwent　a　complete　disillusionment　that　winter。

Woloda　danced　a　great　deal；　and　Papa　also　went　to　balls　with　his

young　wife；　but　I　appeared　to　be　thought　either　too　young　or

unfitted　for　such　delights；　and　no　one　invited　me　to　the　houses

where　balls　were　being　given。　Yet；　in　spite　of　my　vow　of

frankness　with　Dimitri；　I　never　told　him　（nor　any　one　else）　how

much　I　should　have　liked　to　go　to　those　dances；　and　how　I　felt

hurt　at　being　forgotten　and　（apparently）　taken　for　the

philosopher　that　I　pretended　to　be。



Nevertheless；　a　reception　was　to　be　given　that　winter　at　the

Princess　Kornakoff's；　and　to　it　she　sent　us　personal　invitations

to　myself　among　the　rest！　Consequently；　I　was　to　attend　my　first

ball。　Before　starting；　Woloda　came　into　my　room　to　see　how　I　was

dressing　myselfan　act　on　his　part　which　greatly　surprised　me　and

took　me　aback。　In　my　opinion　（it　must　be　understood）　solicitude

about　one's　dress　was　a　shameful　thing；　and　should　be　kept　under；

but　he　seemed　to　think　it　a　thing　so　natural　and　necessary　that

he　said　outright　that　he　was　afraid　I　should　be　put　out　of

countenance　on　that　score。　Accordingly；　he　bid　me　don　my　patent

leather　boots；　and　was　horrified　to　find　that　I　wanted　to　put　on

gloves　of　peau　de　chamois。　Next；　he　adjusted　my　watch…chain　in　a

particular　manner；　and　carried　me　off　to　a　hairdresser's　near　the

Kuznetski　Bridge　to　have　my　locks　coiffured。　That　done；　he

withdrew　to　a　little　distance　and　surveyed　me。



〃Yes；　he　looks　right　enough　now〃　said　he　to　the　hairdresser。

〃Onlycouldn't　you　smooth　those　tufts　of　his　in　front　a　little？〃

Yet；　for　all　that　Monsieur　Charles　treated　my　forelocks　with　one

essence　and　another；　they　persisted　in　rising　up　again　when　ever

I　put　on　my　hat。　In　fact；　my　curled　and　tonsured　figure　seemed　to

me　to　look　far　worse　than　it　had　done　before。　My　only　hope　of

salvation　lay　in　an　affectation　of　untidiness。　Only　in　that　guise

would　my　exterior　resemble　anything　at　all。　Woloda；　apparently；

was　of　the　same　opinion；　for　he　begged　me　to　undo　the　curls；　and

when　I　had　done　so　and　still　looked　unpresentable；　he　ceased　to

regard　me　at　all；　but　throughout　the　drive　to　the　Kornakoffs

remained　silent　and　depressed。



Nevertheless；　I　entered　the　Kornakoffs'　mansion　boldly　enough；　and

it　was　only　when　the　Princess　had　invited　me　to　dance；　and　I；　for

some　reason　or　another　（though　I　had　driven　there　with　no　other

thought　in　my　head　than　to　dance　well）；　had　replied　that　I　never

indulged　in　that　pastime；　that　I　began　to　blush；　and；　left

solitary　among　a　crowd　of　strangers；　became　plunged　in　my　usual

insuperable　and　ever…growing　shyness。　In　fact；　I　remained　silent

on　that　spot　almost　the　whole　evening！



Nevertheless；　while　a　waltz　was　in　progress；　one　of　the　young

princesses　came　to　me　and　asked　me；　with　the　sort　of　official

kindness　common　to　all　her　family；　why　I　was　not　dancing。　I　can

remember　blushing　hotly　at　the　question；　but　at　the　same　time

feelingfor　all　my　efforts　to　prevent　ita　self…satisfied　smile

steal　over　my　face　as　I　began　talking；　in　the　most　inflated　and

long…winded　French；　such　rubbish　as　even　now；　after　dozens　of

years；　it　shames　me　to　recall。　It　must　have　been　the　effect　of

the　music；　which；　while　exciting　my　nervous　sensibility；　drowned

（as　I　supposed）　the　less　intelligible　portion　of　my　utterances。

Anyhow；　I　went　on　speaking　of　the　exalted　company　present；　and　of

the　futility　of　men　and　women；　until　I　had　got　myself　into　such　a

tangle　that　I　was　forced　to　stop　short　in　the　middle　of　a　word　of

a　sentence　which　I　found　myself　powerless　to　conclude。



Even　the　worldly…minded　young　Princess　was　shocked　by　my　conduct；

and　gazed　at　me　in　reproach；　whereat　I　burst　out　laughing。　At

this　critical　moment；　Woloda；　who　had　remarked　that　I　was