youth-第3章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



and　Woloda　were　thus　grown…up；　they　never　made　friends　with　one

another；　but；　on　the　contrary；　seemed　to　cherish　a　mutual

contempt。　In　general；　when　Katenka　was　at　home　alone；　nothing　but

novels　amused　her；　and　they　but　slightly；　but　as　soon　as　ever　a

visitor　of　the　opposite　sex　called；　she　at　once　grew　lively　and

amiable；　and　used　her　eyes　for　saying　things　which　I　could　not

then　understand。　It　was　only　later；　when　she　one　day　informed　me

in　conversation　that　the　only　thing　a　girl　was　allowed　to　indulge

in　was　coquetrycoquetry　of　the　eyes；　I　meanthat　I　understood

those　strange　contortions　of　her　features　which　to　every　one　else

had　seemed　a　matter　for　no　surprise　at　all。　Lubotshka　also　had

begun　to　wear　what　was　almost　a　long　dressa　dress　which　almost

concealed　her　goose…shaped　feet；　yet　she　still　remained　as　ready

a　weeper　as　ever。　She　dreamed　now　of　marrying；　not　a　hussar；　but

a　singer　or　an　instrumentalist；　and　accordingly　applied　herself

to　her　music　with　greater　diligence　than　ever。　St。　Jerome；　who

knew　that　he　was　going　to　remain　with　us　only　until　my

examinations　were　over；　and　so　had　obtained　for　himself　a　new

post　in　the　family　of　some　count　or　another；　now　looked　with

contempt　upon　the　members　of　our　household。　He　stayed　indoors

very　little；　took　to　smoking　cigarettes　（then　all　the　rage）；　and

was　for　ever　whistling　lively　tunes　on　the　edge　of　a　card。　Mimi

daily　grew　more　and　more　despondent；　as　though；　now　that　we　were

beginning　to　grow　up；　she　looked　for　nothing　good　from　any　one　or

anything。



When；　on　the　day　of　which　I　am　speaking；　I　went　in　to　luncheon　I

found　only　Mimi；　Katenka；　Lubotshka；　and　St。　Jerome　in　the

dining…room。　Papa　was　away；　and　Woloda　in　his　own　room；　doing

some　preparation　work　for　his　examinations　in　company　with　a

party　of　his　comrades：　wherefore　he　had　requested　that　lunch

should　be　sent　to　him　there。　Of　late；　Mimi　had　usually　taken　the

head　of　the　table；　and　as　none　of　us　had　any　respect　for　her；

luncheon　had　lost　most　of　its　refinement　and　charm。　That　is　to

say；　the　meal　was　no　longer　what　it　had　been　in　Mamma's　or　our

grandmother's　time；　namely；　a　kind　of　rite　which　brought　all　the

family　together　at　a　given　hour　and　divided　the　day　into　two

halves。　We　allowed　ourselves　to　come　in　as　late　as　the　second

course；　to　drink　wine　in　tumblers　（St。　Jerome　himself　set　us　the

example）；　to　roll　about　on　our　chairs；　to　depart　without　saying

grace；　and　so　on。　In　fact；　luncheon　had　ceased　to　be　a　family

ceremony。　In　the　old　days　at　Petrovskoe；　every　one　had　been　used

to　wash　and　dress　for　the　meal；　and　then　to　repair　to　the

drawing…room　as　the　appointed　hour　（two　o'clock）　drew　near；　and

pass　the　time　of　waiting　in　lively　conversation。　Just　as　the

clock　in　the　servants'　hall　was　beginning　to　whirr　before

striking　the　hour；　Foka　would　enter　with　noiseless　footsteps；　and；

throwing　his　napkin　over　his　arm　and　assuming　a　dignified；　rather

severe　expression；　would　say　in　loud；　measured　tones：　〃Luncheon

is　ready！〃　Thereupon；　with　pleased；　cheerful　faces；　we　would　form

a　processionthe　elders　going　first　and　the　juniors　following；

and；　with　much　rustling　of　starched　petticoats　and　subdued

creaking　of　boots　and　shoeswould　proceed　to　the　dining…room；

where；　still　talking　in　undertones；　the　company　would　seat

themselves　in　their　accustomed　places。　Or；　again；　at　Moscow；　we

would　all　of　us　be　standing　before　the　table　ready…laid　in　the

hall；　talking　quietly　among　ourselves　as　we　waited　for　our

grandmother；　whom　the　butler；　Gabriel；　had　gone　to　acquaint　with

the　fact　that　luncheon　was　ready。　Suddenly　the　door　would　open；

there　would　come　the　faint　swish　of　a　dress　and　the　sound　of

footsteps；　and　our　grandmotherdressed　in　a　mob…cap　trimmed　with

a　quaint　old　lilac　bow；　and　wearing　either　a　smile　or　a　severe

expression　on　her　face　according　as　the　state　of　her　health

inclined　herwould　issue　from　her　room。　Gabriel　would　hasten　to

precede　her　to　her　arm…chair；　the　other　chairs　would　make　a

scraping　sound；　and；　with　a　feeling　as　though　a　cold　shiver　（the

precursor　of　appetite）　were　running　down　one's　back；　one　would

seize　upon　one's　damp；　starched　napkin；　nibble　a　morsel　or　two　of

bread；　and；　rubbing　one's　hands　softly　under　the　table；　gaze　with

eager；　radiant　impatience　at　the　steaming　plates　of　soup　which

the　butler　was　beginning　to　dispense　in　order　of　ranks　and　ages

or　according　to　the　favour　of　our　grandmother。



On　the　present　occasion；　however；　I　was　conscious　of　neither

excitement　nor　pleasure　when　I　went　in　to　luncheon。　Even　the

mingled　chatter　of　Mimi；　the　girls；　and　St。　Jerome　about　the

horrible　boots　of　our　Russian　tutor；　the　pleated　dresses　worn　by

the　young　Princesses　Kornakoff；　and　so　forth　（chatter　which　at

any　other　time　would　have　filled　me　with　a　sincerity　of　contempt

which　I　should　have　been　at　no　pains　to　concealat　all　events　so

far　as　Lubotshka　and　Katenka　were　concerned）；　failed　to　shake　the

benevolent　frame　of　mind　into　which　I　had　fallen。　I　was　unusually

good…humoured　that　day；　and　listened　to　everything　with　a　smile

and　a　studied　air　of　kindness。　Even　when　I　asked　for　the　kvas　I

did　so　politely；　while　I　lost　not　a　moment　in　agreeing　with　St。

Jerome　when　he　told　me　that　it　was　undoubtedly　more　correct　to

say　〃Je　peux〃　than　〃Je　puis。〃　Yet；　I　must　confess　to　a　certain

disappointment　at　finding　that　no　one　paid　any　particular

attention　to　my　politeness　and　good…humour。　After　luncheon；

Lubotshka　showed　me　a　paper　on　which　she　had　written　down　a　list

of　her　sins：　upon　which　I　observed　that；　although　the　idea　was

excellent　so　far　as　it　went；　it　would　be　still　better　for　her　to

write　down　her　sins　on　her　SOUL〃a　very　different　matter。〃



〃Why　is　it　'a　very　different　matter'？〃　asked　Lubotshka。



〃Never　mind：　that　is　all　right；　you　do　not　understand　me；〃　and　I

went　upstairs　to　my　room；　telling　St。　Jerome　that　I　was　going　to

work；　but　in　reality　purposing　to　occupy　the　hour　and　a　half

before　confession　time　in　writing　down　a　list　of　my　daily　tasks

and　duties　which　should　last　me　all　my　life；　together　with　a

statement　of　my　life's　aim；　and　the　rules　by　which　I　meant

unswervingly　to　be　guided。



v



MY　RULES



I　TOOK　some　sheets　of　paper；　and　tried；　first　of　all；　to　make　a

list　of　my　tasks　and　duties　for　the　coming　year。　The　paper　needed

ruling；　but；　as　I　could　not　find　the　ruler；　I　had　to　use　a　Latin

dictionary　instead。　The　result　was　that；　when　I　had　drawn　the　pen

along　the　edge　of　the　dictionary　and　removed　the　latter；　I　found

that；　in　place　of　a　line；　I　had　only　made　an　oblong　smudge　on　the

paper；　since　the；　dictionary　was　not　long　enough　to　reach　across

it；　and　the　pen　had　slipped　round　the　soft；　yielding　corner　of

the　book。　Thereupon　I　took　another　piece　of　paper；　and；　by

carefully　manipulating　the　dictionary；　contrived　to　rule　what　at

least　RESEMBLED　lines。　Dividing　my　duties　into　three　sections

my　duties　to　myself；　my　duties　to　my　neighbour；　and　my　duties　to

GodI　started　to　indite　a　list　of　the　first　of　those　sections；

but　they　seemed　to　me　so　numerous；　and　therefore　requiring　to　be

divided　into　so　many　species　and　subdivisions；　that　I　thought　I

had　better　first　of　all　write　down　the　heading　of　〃Rules　of　My

Life〃　before　proceeding　to　their　detailed　inscription。

Accordingly；　I　proceeded　to　write　〃Rules　of　My　Life〃　on　the

outside　of　the　six　sheets　of　paper　which　I　had　made　into　a　sort

of　folio；　but　the　words　came　out　in　such　a　crooked　and　uneven

scrawl　that　for　long　I　sat　debating　the　question；　〃Shall　I　write

them　again？〃for　long；　sat　in　agonised　contemplation　of　the

ragged　handwriting　and　disfigured　title…page。　Why　was　it　that　all

the　beauty　and　clarity　which　my　soul　then　contained　came　out　so

misshapenly　on　paper　（as　in　life　itself）　just　when　I　was　wishing

to　apply　those　qualities　to　what　I　was　thinking　at　the　moment？



〃The　priest　is　here；　so　please　come　downstairs　and　hear　his

directions；〃　said　Nicola　as　he　entered；



Hurriedly　concealing　my　folio　under　the　table…cloth；　I　looked　at

myself　in　the　mirror；　combed　my　hair　upwards　（I　imagined　this　to

give　me　a　pensive　air）；　and　descended　to　the　divannaia；　＇Room

with　divans；　or　ante…room＇　where　the　table　stood　covered　with　a

cloth　and　had　an　ikon　and　candles　placed　upon　it。　Papa　entered

just　as　I　did；　but　by　another　door：　whereupon　the　priesta　grey…

headed　old　monk　with　a　severe；　elderly　faceblessed　him；　and

Papa　kissed　his　small；　squat；　wizened　hand。　I　did　the　same。



〃Go　and　call　Woldemar；〃　said　Papa。　〃Where　is　he？　Wait　a　minute；

though。　Perhaps　he　is　preparing　for　the　Communion　at　the

University？〃



〃No；　he　is　with　the　Prince；〃　said　Katenka；　and　glanced　at

Lubotshka。　Suddenly　the　latter　blushed　for　some　reason　or

another；　and　then　frowned。　Finally；　pretending　that　she　was　not

well；　she　left　the　room；　and　I　followed　her。　In　the　drawing…room

she　halted；　and　began　to　pencil　something　fresh　on　her　paper　of

peccadilloes。



〃Well；　what　new　sin　have　you　gone　and　committed？〃　I　asked。



〃Nothing；〃　she　replied　with　another　blush。　All　at　once　we　heard

Dimitri's　voice　raised　in　the　hall　as　he　took　his　leave　of

Woloda。



〃It　seems　to　me　you　are　always　experiencing　some　new　temptation；〃

said　Katenka；　who　had　entered　the　room　behind　us；　and　now　stood

looking　at　Lubotshka。



What　was　the　matter　with　my　sister　I　could　not　conceive；　but　she

was　now　so　agitated　that　the　tears　were　starting　from　her　eyes。

Finally　her　confusion　grew　uncontrollable；　and　vented　itself　in

rage　against　both　herself　and　Katenka；　who　appeared　to　be　teasing

her。



〃Any　one　can　see　that　you　are　a　FOREIGNER！〃　she　cried　（nothing

offended　Katenka　so　much　as　to　be　called　by　that　term；　which　is

why　Lubotshka　used　it）。　〃Just　because　I　have　the　secret　of　which

you　know；〃　she　went　on；　with　anger　ringing　through　her　tone；　〃you

purposely　go　and　upset　me！　Please　do　understand　that　it　is　no

joking　matter。〃



〃Do　you　know　what　she　has　gone　and　written　on　her　paper；

Nicolinka？　cried　Katenka；　much　infuriated　by　the　term

〃foreigner。〃　〃She　has　written　down　that〃



〃Oh；　I　never　could　have　believed　that　you　could　be　so　cruel！〃

exclaimed　Lubotshka；　now　bursting　into　open　sobbing　as　she　moved

away　from　us。　〃You　chose　that　moment　on　purpose！　You　spend　your

whole　time　in　trying　to　make　me　sin！　I'll　never　go　to　YOU　again

for　sympathy　and　advice！〃



VI



CONFESSION



With　these　and　other　disjointed　impressions　in　my　mind；　I　returned

to　the　divannaia。　As　soon　as　every　one　had　reassembled；　the

priest　rose　and　prepared　to　read　the　prayer　before　confession。

The　instant　that　the　silence　was　broken　by　the　stern；　expressive

voice　of　the　monk　as　he　recited　the　prayerand　more　especially

when　he　addressed　to　us　the　words：　〃Reveal　thou　all　thy　sins

without　shame；　concealment；　or　extenuation；　and　let　thy　soul　be

cleansed　before　God：　for　if　thou　concealest　aught；　then　great

wil