youth-第35章

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in　silence　beside　me；　much　as　a　doctor　might　scat　himself　by　the

bedside　of　an　awkward　patient。　Sophia　Ivanovna　and　Varenika　sent

me　books　for　which　I　had　expressed　a　wish；　as　also　an　invitation

to　go　and　see　them；　but　in　that　very　thoughtfulness　of　theirs　I

saw　only　proud；　humiliating　condescension　to　one　who　had　fallen

beyond　forgiveness。　Although；　in　three　days'　time；　I　grew　calmer；

it　was　not　until　we　departed　for　the　country　that　I　left　the

house；　but　spent　the　time　in　nursing　my　grief　and　wandering；

fearful　of　all　the　household；　through　the　various　rooms。



One　evening；　as　I　was　sitting　deep　in　thought　and　listening　to

Avdotia　playing　her　waltz；　I　suddenly　leapt　to　my　feet；　ran

upstairs；　got　out　the　copy…book　whereon　I　had　once　inscribed

〃Rules　of　My　Life；〃　opened　it；　and　experienced　my　first　moment　of

repentance　and　moral　resolution。　True；　I　burst　into　tears　once

more；　but　they　were　no　longer　tears　of　despair。　Pulling　myself

together；　I　set　about　writing　out　a　fresh　set　of　rules；　in　the

assured　conviction　that　never　again　would　I　do　a　wrong　action；

waste　a　single　moment　on　frivolity；　or　alter　the　rules　which　I

now　decided　to　frame。



How　long　that　moral　impulse　lasted；　what　it　consisted　of；　and

what　new　principles　I　devised　for　my　moral　growth　I　will　relate

when　speaking　of　the　ensuing　and　happier　portion　of　my　early

manhood。











End