youth-第4章

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without　shame；　concealment；　or　extenuation；　and　let　thy　soul　be

cleansed　before　God：　for　if　thou　concealest　aught；　then　great

will　be　thy　sin〃the　same　sensation　of　reverent　awe　came　over　me

as　I　had　felt　during　the　morning。　I　even　took　a　certain　pleasure

in　recognising　this　condition　of　mine；　and　strove　to　preserve　it；

not　only　by　restraining　all　other　thoughts　from　entering　my

brain；　but　also　by　consciously　exerting　myself　to　feel　no　other

sensation　than　this　same　one　of　reverence。



Papa　was　the　first　to　go　to　confession。　He　remained　a　long；　long

time　in　the　room　which　had　belonged　to　our　grandmother；　and

during　that　time　the　rest　of　us　kept　silence　in　the　divannaia；　or

only　whispered　to　one　another　on　the　subject　of　who　should

precede　whom。　At　length；　the　voice　of　the　priest　again　reading　the

prayer　sounded　from　the　doorway；　and　then　Papa's　footsteps。　The

door　creaked　as　he　came　out；　coughing　and　holding　one　shoulder

higher　than　the　other；　in　his　usual　way；　and　for　the　moment　he

did　not　look　at　any　of　us。



〃YOU　go　now；　Luba；〃　he　said　presently；　as　he　gave　her　cheek　a

mischievous　pinch。　〃Mind　you　tell　him　everything。　You　are　my

greatest　sinner；　you　know。〃



Lubotshka　went　red　and　pale　by　turns；　took　her　memorandum　paper

out　of　her　apron；　replaced　it；　and　finally　moved　away　towards　the

doorway　with　her　head　sunk　between　her　shoulders　as　though　she

expected　to　receive　a　blow　upon　it　from　above。　She　was　not　long

gone；　and　when　she　returned　her　shoulders　were　shaking　with　sobs。



At　lengthnext　after　the　excellent　Katenka　（who　came　out　of　the

doorway　with　a　smile　on　her　face）my　turn　arrived。　I　entered　the

dimly…lighted　room　with　the　same　vague　feeling　of　awe；　the　same

conscious　eagerness　to　arouse　that　feeling　more　and　more　in　my

soul；　that　had　possessed　me　up　to　the　present　moment。　The　priest；

standing　in　front　of　a　reading…desk；　slowly　turned　his　face　to

me。



I　was　not　more　than　five　minutes　in　the　room；　but　came　out　from

it　happy　and　（so　I　persuaded　myself）　entirely　cleanseda　new；　a

morally　reborn　individual。　Despite　the　fact　that　the　old

surroundings　of　my　life　now　struck　me　as　unfamiliar　（even　though

the　rooms；　the　furniture；　and　my　own　figurewould　to　heavens

that　I　could　have　changed　my　outer　man　for　the　better　in　the　same

way　that　I　believed　myself　to　have　changed　my　inner　Iwere　the

same　as　before）；　I　remained　in　that　comfortable　attitude　of　mine

until　the　very　moment　of　bedtime。



Yet；　no　sooner　had　I　begun　to　grow　drowsy　with　the　conning　over

of　my　sins　than　in　a　flash　I　recollected　a　particularly　shameful

sin　which　I　had　suppressed　at　confession　time。　Instantly　the

words　of　the　prayer　before　confession　came　back　to　my　memory　and

began　sounding　in　my　ears。　My　peace　was　gone　for　ever。　〃For　if

thou　concealest　aught；　then　great　will　be　thy　sin。〃　Each　time

that　the　phrase　recurred　to　me　I　saw　myself　a　sinner　for　whom　no


punishment　was　adequate。　Long　did　I　toss　from　side　to　side　as　I

considered　my　position；　while　expecting　every　moment　to　be

visited　with　the　divine　wrathto　be　struck　with　sudden　death；

perhaps！an　insupportable　thought！　Then　suddenly　the　reassuring

thought　occurred　to　me：　〃Why　should　I　not　drive　out　to　the

monastery　when　the　morning　comes；　and　see　the　priest　again；　and

make　a　second　confession？〃　Thereafter　I　grew　calmer。



VII



THE　EXPEDITION　TO　THE　MONASTERY



Several　times　that　night　I　woke　in　terror　at　the　thought　that　I

might　be　oversleeping　myself；　and　by　six　o'clock　was　out　of　bed；

although　the　dawn　was　hardly　peeping　in　at　the　window。　I　put　on

my　clothes　and　boots　（all　of　which　were　lying　tumbled　and

unbrushed　beside　the　bed；　since　Nicola；　of　course　had　not　been　in

yet　to　tidy　them　up）；　and；　without　a　prayer　said　or　my　face

washed；　emerged；　for　the　first　time　in　my　life；　into　the　street

ALONE。



Over　the　way；　behind　the　green　roof　of　a　large　building；　the　dim；

cold　dawn　was　beginning　to　blush　red。　The　keen　frost　of　the

spring　morning　which　had　stiffened　the　pools　and　mud　and　made

them　crackle　under　my　feet　now　nipped　my　face　and　hands　also。　Not

a　cab　was　to　be　seen；　though　I　had　counted　upon　one　to　make　the

journey　out　and　home　the　quicker。　Only　a　file　of　waggons　was

rumbling　along　the　Arbat　Prospect；　and　a　couple　of　bricklayers

talking　noisily　together　as　they　strode　along　the　pavement。

However；　after　walking　a　verst　or　so　I　began　to　meet　men　and

women　taking　baskets　to　market　or　going　with　empty　barrels　to

fetch　the　day's　water　supply；　until　at　length；　at　the　cross

streets　near　the　Arbat　Gate；　where　a　pieman　had　set　up　his　stall

and　a　baker　was　just　opening　his　shop；　I　espied　an　old　cabman

shaking　himself　after　indulging　in　a　nap　on　the　box　of　his　be…

scratched　old　blue…painted；　hobble…de…hoy　wreck　of　a　drozhki。　He

seemed　barely　awake　as　he　asked　twenty　copecks　as　the　fare　to　the

monastery　and　back；　but　came　to　himself　a　moment　afterwards；　just

as　I　was　about　to　get　in；　and；　touching　up　his　horse　with　the

spare　end　of　the　reins；　started　to　drive　off　and　leave　me。　〃My

horse　wants　feeding；〃　he　growled；　〃I　can't　take　you；　barin。＇Sir＇〃



With　some　difficulty　and　a　promise　of　FORTY　copecks　I　persuaded

him　to　stop。　He　eyed　me　narrowly　as　he　pulled　up；　but

nevertheless　said：　〃Very　well。　Get　in；　barin。〃　I　must　confess

that　I　had　some　qualms　lest　he　should　drive　me　to　a　quiet　corner

somewhere；　and　then　rob　me；　but　I　caught　hold　of　the　collar　of

his　ragged　driving…coat；　close　to　where　his　wrinkled　neck　showed

sadly　lean　above　his　hunched…up　back；　and　climbed　on　to　the　blue…

painted；　curved；　rickety　scat。　As　we　set　off　along　Vozdvizhenka

Street；　I　noticed　that　the　back　of　the　drozhki　was　covered　with　a

strip　of　the　same　greenish　material　as　that　of　which　his　coat　was

made。　For　some　reason　or　another　this　reassured　me；　and　I　no

longer　felt　nervous　of　being　taken　to　a　quiet　spot　and　robbed。



The　sun　had　risen　to　a　good　height；　and　was　gilding　the　cupolas

of　the　churches；　when　we　arrived　at　the　monastery。　In　the　shade

the　frost　had　not　yet　given；　but　in　the　open　roadway　muddy

rivulets　of　water　were　coursing　along；　and　it　was　through　fast…

thawing　mire　that　the　horse　went　clip…clopping　his　way。

Alighting；　and　entering　the　monastery　grounds；　I　inquired　of　the

first　monk　whom　I　met　where　I　could　find　the　priest　whom　I　was

seeking。



〃His　cell　is　over　there；〃　replied　the　monk　as　he　stopped　a　moment

and　pointed　towards　a　little　building　up　to　which　a　flight　of

steps　led。



〃I　respectfully　thank　you；〃　I　said；　and　then　fell　to　wondering

what　all　the　monks　（who　at　that　moment　began　to　come　filing　out

of　the　church）　must　be　thinking　of　me　as　they　glanced　in　my

direction。　I　was　neither　a　grown…up　nor　a　child；　while　my　face

was　unwashed；　my　hair　unbrushed；　my　clothes　tumbled；　and　my　boots

unblacked　and　muddy。　To　what　class　of　persons　were　the　brethren

assigning　mefor　they　stared　at　me　hard　enough？　Nevertheless　I

proceeded　in　the　direction　which　the　young　priest　had　pointed　out

to　me。



An　old　man　with　bushy　grey　eyebrows　and　a　black　cassock　met　me　on

the　narrow　path　to　the　cells；　and　asked　me　what　I　wanted。　For　a

brief　moment　I　felt　inclined　to　say　〃Nothing；〃　and　then　run　back

to　the　drozhki　and　drive　away　home；　but；　for　all　its　beetling

brows；　the　face　of　the　old　man　inspired　confidence；　and　I　merely

said　that　I　wished　to　see　the　priest　（whom　I　named）。



〃Very　well；　young　sir；　I　will　take　you　to　him；〃　said　the　old　man

as　he　turned　round。　Clearly　he　had　guessed　my　errand　at　a　stroke。

〃The　father　is　at　matins　at　this　moment；　but　he　will　soon　be

back；〃　and；　opening　a　door；　the　old　man　led　me　through　a　neat

hall　and　corridor；　all　lined　with　clean　matting；　to　a　cell。



〃Please　to　wait　here；〃　he　added；　and　then；　with　a　kind；

reassuring　glance；　departed。



The　little　room　in　which　I　found　myself　was　of　the　smallest

possible　dimensions；　but　extremely　neat　and　clean。　Its　furniture

only　consisted　of　a　small　table　（covered　with　a　cloth；　and　placed

between　two　equally　small　casement…windows；　in　which　stood　two

pots　of　geraniums）；　a　stand　of　ikons；　with　a　lamp　suspended　in

front　of　them；　a　bench；　and　two　chairs。　In　one　corner　hung　a　wall

clock；　with　little　flowers　painted　on　its　dial；　and　brass　weights

to　its　chains；　while　upon　two　nails　driven　into　a　screen　（which；

fastened　to　the　ceiling　with　whitewashed　pegs；　probably　concealed

the　bed）　hung　a　couple　of　cassocks。　The　windows　looked　out　upon　a

whitewashed　wall；　about　two　arshins　distant；　and　in　the　space

between　them　there　grew　a　small　lilac…bush。



Not　a　sound　penetrated　from　without；　and　in　the　stillness　the

measured；　friendly　stroke　of　the　clock's　pendulum　seemed　to　beat

quite　loudly。　The　instant　that　I　found　myself　alone　in　this　calm

retreat　all　other　thoughts　and　recollections　left　my　head　as

completely　as　though　they　had　never　been　there；　and　I　subsided

into　an　inexpressibly　pleasing　kind　of　torpor。　The　rusty　alpaca

cassocks　with　their　frayed　linings；　the　worn　black　leather

bindings　of　the　books　with　their　metal　clasps；　the　dull…green

plants　with　their　carefully　watered　leaves　and　soil；　and；　above

all；　the　abrupt；　regular　beat　of　the　pendulum；　all　spoke　to　me

intimately　of　some　new　life　hitherto　unknown　to　mea　life　of

unity　and　prayer；　of　calm；　restful　happiness。



〃The　months；　the　years；　may　pass；〃　I　thought　to　myself；　〃but　he

remains　alonealways　at　peace；　always　knowing　that　his

conscience　is　pure　before　God；　that　his　prayer　will　be　heard　by

Him。〃　For　fully　half　an　hour　I　sat　on　that　chair；　trying　not　to

move；　not　even　to　breathe　loudly；　for　fear　I　should　mar　the

harmony　of　the　sounds　which　were　telling　me　so　much；　and　ever　the

pendulum　continued　to　beat　the　samenow　a　little　louder　to　the

right；　now　a　little　softer　to　the　left。



VIII



THE　SECOND　CONFESSION



Suddenly　the　sound　of　the　priest's　footsteps　roused　me　from　this

reverie。



〃Good　morning　to　you；〃　he　said　as　he　smoothed　his　grey　hair　with

his　hand。　〃What　can　I　do　for　you？〃



I　besought　him　to　give　me　his　blessing；　and　then　kissed　his

small；　wizened　hand　with　great　fervour。　After　I　had　explained　to

him　my　errand　he　said　nothing；　but　moved　away　towards　the　ikons；

and　began　to　read　the　exhortation：　whereupon　I　overcame　my　shame；

and　told　him　all　that　was　in　my　heart。　Finally　he　laid　his　hands

upon　my　head；　and　pronounced　in　his　even；　resonant　voice　the

words：　〃My　son；　may　the　blessing　of　Our　Heavenly　Father　be　upon

thee；　and　may　He　always　preserve　thee　in　faithfulness；　loving…

kindness；　and　meekness。　Amen。〃



I　was　entirely　happy。　Tears　of　joy　coursed　down　my　face　as　I

kissed　the　hem　of　his　cassock　and　then　raised　my　head　again。　The

face　of　the　priest　expressed　perfect　tranquillity。　So　keenly　did

I　feel　the　joy　of　reconciliation　that；　fearing　in　any　way　to

dispel　it；　I　took　hasty　leave　of　him；　and；　without　looking　to　one

side　of　me　or　the　other　（i