lavengro-第69章

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my　grandfather：　　his　death　was　sudden　it　is　true；　but　I　am　not　one　

of　those　who　pray　to　be　delivered　from　a　sudden　death。



'I　should　not　call　my　father　a　fortunate　man；　it　is　true　that　he　

had　the　advantage　of　a　first…rate　education；　that　he　made　the　grand　

tour　with　a　private　tutor；　as　was　the　fashion　at　that　time；　that　he　

came　to　a　splendid　fortune　on　the　very　day　that　he　came　of　age；　

that　for　many　years　he　tasted　all　the　diversions　of　the　capital　

that；　at　last　determined　to　settle；　he　married　the　sister　of　a　

baronet；　an　amiable　and　accomplished　lady；　with　a　large　fortune；　

that　he　had　the　best　stud　of　hunters　in　the　county；　on　which；　

during　the　season；　he　followed　the　fox　gallantly；　had　he　been　a　

fortunate　man　he　would　never　have　cursed　his　fate；　as　he　was　

frequently　known　to　do；　ten　months　after　his　marriage　his　horse　

fell　upon　him；　and　so　injured　him；　that　he　expired　in　a　few　days　in　

great　agony。　　My　grandfather　was；　indeed；　a　fortunate　man；　when　he　

died　he　was　followed　to　the　grave　by　the　tears　of　the　poor　…　my　

father　was　not。



'Two　remarkable　circumstances　are　connected　with　my　birth　…　I　am　a　

posthumous　child；　and　came　into　the　world　some　weeks　before　the　

usual　time；　the　shock　which　my　mother　experienced　at　my　father's　

death　having　brought　on　the　pangs　of　premature　labour；　both　my　

mother's　life　and　my　own　were　at　first　despaired　of；　we　both；　

however；　survived　the　crisis。　　My　mother　loved　me　with　the　most　

passionate　fondness；　and　I　was　brought　up　in　this　house　under　her　

own　eye　…　I　was　never　sent　to　school。



'I　have　already　told　you　that　mine　is　not　a　tale　of　adventure；　my　

life　has　not　been　one　of　action；　but　of　wild　imaginings　and　strange　

sensations；　I　was　born　with　excessive　sensibility；　and　that　has　

been　my　bane。　　I　have　not　been　a　fortunate　man。



'No　one　is　fortunate　unless　he　is　happy；　and　it　is　impossible　for　a　

being　constructed　like　myself　to　be　happy　for　an　hour；　or　even　

enjoy　peace　and　tranquillity；　most　of　our　pleasures　and　pains　are　

the　effects　of　imagination；　and　wherever　the　sensibility　is　great；　

the　imagination　is　great　also。　　No　sooner　has　my　imagination　raised　

up　an　image　of　pleasure；　than　it　is　sure　to　conjure　up　one　of　

distress　and　gloom；　these　two　antagonist　ideas　instantly　commence　a　

struggle　in　my　mind；　and　the　gloomy　one　generally；　I　may　say　

invariably；　prevails。　　How　is　it　possible　that　I　should　be　a　happy　

man？



'It　has　invariably　been　so　with　me　from　the　earliest　period　that　I　

can　remember；　the　first　playthings　that　were　given　me　caused　me　for　

a　few　minutes　excessive　pleasure：　　they　were　pretty　and　glittering；　

presently；　however；　I　became　anxious　and　perplexed；　I　wished　to　

know　their　history；　how　they　were　made；　and　what　of　…　were　the　

materials　precious？　　I　was　not　satisfied　with　their　outward　

appearance。　　In　less　than　an　hour　I　had　broken　the　playthings　in　an　

attempt　to　discover　what　they　were　made　of。



'When　I　was　eight　years　of　age　my　uncle　the　baronet；　who　was　also　

my　godfather；　sent　me　a　pair　of　Norway　hawks；　with　directions　for　

managing　them；　he　was　a　great　fowler。　　Oh；　how　rejoiced　was　I　with　

the　present　which　had　been　made　me；　my　joy　lasted　for　at　least　five　

minutes；　I　would　let　them　breed；　I　would　have　a　house　of　hawks；　

yes；　that　I　would　…　but　…　and　here　came　the　unpleasant　idea　…　

suppose　they　were　to　flyaway；　how　very　annoying！　　Ah；　but；　said　

hope；　there's　little　fear　of　that；　feed　them　well　and　they　will　

never　fly　away；　or　if　they　do　they　will　come　back；　my　uncle　says　

so；　so　sunshine　triumphed　for　a　little　time。　　Then　the　strangest　of　

all　doubts　came　into　my　head；　I　doubted　the　legality　of　my　tenure　

of　these　hawks；　how　did　I　come　by　them？　why；　my　uncle　gave　them　to　

me；　but　how　did　they　come　into　his　possession？　what　right　had　he　to　

them？　after　all；　they　might　not　be　his　to　give。　　I　passed　a　

sleepless　night。　　The　next　morning　I　found　that　the　man　who　brought　

the　hawks　had　not　departed。　　〃How　came　my　uncle　by　these　hawks？〃　I　

anxiously　inquired。　　〃They　were　sent　to　him　from　Norway；　master；　

with　another　pair。〃　　〃And　who　sent　them？〃　　〃That　I　don't　know；　

master；　but　I　suppose　his　honour　can　tell　you。〃　　I　was　even　

thinking　of　scrawling　a　letter　to　my　uncle　to　make　inquiry　on　this　

point；　but　shame　restrained　me；　and　I　likewise　reflected　that　it　

would　be　impossible　for　him　to　give　my　mind　entire　satisfaction；　it　

is　true　he　could　tell　who　sent　him　the　hawks；　but　how　was　he　to　

know　how　the　hawks　came　into　the　possession　of　those　who　sent　them　

to　him；　and　by　what　right　they　possessed　them　or　the　parents　of　the　

hawks？　　In　a　word；　I　wanted　a　clear　valid　title；　as　lawyers　would　

say；　to　my　hawks；　and　I　believe　no　title　would　have　satisfied　me　

that　did　not　extend　up　to　the　time　of　the　first　hawk；　that　is；　

prior　to　Adam；　and；　could　I　have　obtained　such　a　title；　I　make　no　

doubt　that；　young　as　I　was；　I　should　have　suspected　that　it　was　

full　of　flaws。



'I　was　now　disgusted　with　the　hawks；　and　no　wonder；　seeing　all　the　

disquietude　they　had　caused　me；　I　soon　totally　neglected　the　poor　

birds；　and　they　would　have　starved　had　not　some　of　the　servants　

taken　compassion　upon　them　and　fed　them。　　My　uncle；　soon　hearing　of　

my　neglect；　was　angry；　and　took　the　birds　away；　he　was　a　very　good…

natured　man；　however；　and　soon　sent　me　a　fine　pony；　at　first　I　was　

charmed　with　the　pony；　soon；　however；　the　same　kind　of　thoughts　

arose　which　had　disgusted　me　on　a　former　occasion。　　How　did　my　

uncle　become　possessed　of　the　pony？　　This　question　I　asked　him　the　

first　time　I　saw　him。　　Oh；　he　had　bought　it　of　a　gypsy；　that　I　

might　learn　to　ride　upon　it。　　A　gypsy；　I　had　heard　that　gypsies　

were　great　thieves；　and　I　instantly　began　to　fear　that　the　gypsy　

had　stolen　the　pony；　and　it　is　probable　that　for　this　apprehension　

I　had　better　grounds　than　for　many　others。　　I　instantly　ceased　to　

set　any　value　upon　the　pony；　but　for　that　reason；　perhaps；　I　turned　

it　to　some　account；　I　mounted　it　and　rode　it　about；　which　I　don't　

think　I　should　have　done　had　I　looked　upon　it　as　a　secure　

possession。　　Had　I　looked　upon　my　title　as　secure；　I　should　have　

prized　it　so　much；　that　I　should　scarcely　have　mounted　it　for　fear　

of　injuring　the　animal；　but　now；　caring　not　a　straw　for　it；　I　rode　

it　most　unmercifully；　and　soon　became　a　capital　rider。　　This　was　

very　selfish　in　me；　and　I　tell　the　fact　with　shame。　　I　was　

punished；　however；　as　I　deserved；　the　pony　had　a　spirit　of　its　own；　

and；　moreover；　it　had　belonged　to　gypsies；　once；　as　I　was　riding　it　

furiously　over　the　lawn；　applying　both　whip　and　spur；　it　suddenly　

lifted　up　its　heels；　and　flung　me　at　least　five　yards　over　its　

head。　　I　received　some　desperate　contusions；　and　was　taken　up　for　

dead；　it　was　many　months　before　I　perfectly　recovered。



'But　it　is　time　for　me　to　come　to　the　touching　part　of　my　story。　　

There　was　one　thing　that　I　loved　better　than　the　choicest　gift　

which　could　be　bestowed　upon　me；　better　than　life　itself　…　my　

mother；　…　at　length　she　became　unwell；　and　the　thought　that　I　might　

possibly　lose　her　now　rushed　into　my　mind　for　the　first　time；　it　

was　terrible；　and　caused　me　unspeakable　misery；　I　may　say　horror。　　

My　mother　became　worse；　and　I　was　not　allowed　to　enter　her　

apartment；　lest　by　my　frantic　exclamations　of　grief　I　might　

aggravate　her　disorder。　　I　rested　neither　day　nor　night；　but　roamed　

about　the　house　like　one　distracted。　　Suddenly　I　found　myself　doing　

that　which　even　at　the　time　struck　me　as　being　highly　singular；　I　

found　myself　touching　particular　objects　that　were　near　me；　and　to　

which　my　fingers　seemed　to　be　attracted　by　an　irresistible　impulse。　　

It　was　now　the　table　or　the　chair　that　I　was　compelled　to　touch；　

now　the　bell…rope；　now　the　handle　of　the　door；　now　I　would　touch　

the　wall；　and　the　next　moment；　stooping　down；　I　would　place　the　

point　of　my　finger　upon　the　floor：　　and　so　I　continued　to　do　day　

after　day；　frequently　I　would　struggle　to　resist　the　impulse；　but　

invariably　in　vain。　　I　have　even　rushed　away　from　the　object；　but　I　

was　sure　to　return；　the　impulse　was　too　strong　to　be　resisted：　　I　

quickly　hurried　back；　compelled　by　the　feeling　within　me　to　touch　

the　object。　　Now　I　need　not　tell　you　that　what　impelled　me　to　these　

actions　was　the　desire　to　prevent　my　mother's　death；　whenever　I　

touched　any　particular　object；　it　was　with　the　view　of　baffling　the　

evil　chance；　as　you　would　call　it　…　in　this　instance　my　mother's　

death。



'A　favourable　crisis　occurred　in　my　mother's　complaint；　and　she　

recovered；　this　crisis　took　place　about　six　o'clock　in　the　morning；　

almost　simultaneously　with　it　there　happened　to　myself　a　rather　

remarkable　circumstance　connected　with　the　nervous　feeling　which　

was　rioting　in　my　system。　　I　was　lying　in　bed　in　a　kind　of　uneasy　

doze；　the　only　kind　of　rest　which　my　anxiety　on　account　of　my　

mother　permitted　me　at　this　time　to　take；　when　all　at　once　I　sprang　

up　as　if　electrified；　the　mysterious　impulse　was　upon　me；　and　it　

urged　me　to　go　without　delay；　and　climb　a　stately　elm　behind　the　

house；　and　touch　the　topmost　branch；　otherwise　…　you　know　the　rest　

…　the　evil　chance　would　prevail。　　Accustomed　for　some　time　as　I　had　

been；　under　this　impulse；　to　perform　extravagant　actions；　I　confess　

to　you　that　the　difficulty　and　peril　of　such　a　feat　startled　me；　I　

reasoned　against　the　feeling；　and　strove　more　strenuously　than　I　

had　ever　done　before；　I　even　made　a　solemn　vow　not　to　give　way　to　

the　temptation；　but　I　believe　nothing　less　than　chains；　and　those　

strong　ones；　could　have　restrained　me。　　The　demoniac　influence；　for　

I　can　call　it　nothing　else；　at　length　prevailed；　it　compelled　me　to　

rise；　to　dress　myself；　to　descend　the　stairs；　to　unbolt　the　door；　

and　to　go　forth；　it　drove　me　to　the　foot　of　the　tree；　and　it　

compelled　me　to　climb　the　trunk；　this　was　a　tremendous　task；　and　I　

only　accomplished　it　after　repeated　falls　and　trials。　　When　I　had　

got　amongst　the　branches；　I　rested　for　a　time；　and　then　set　about　

accomplishing　the　remainder　of　the　ascent；　this　for　some　time　was　

not　so　difficult；　for　I　was　now　amongst　the　branches；　as　I　

approached　the　top；　however；　the　difficulty　became　greater；　and　

likewise　the　danger；　but　I　was　a　light　boy；　and　almost　as　nimble　as　

a　squirrel；　and；　moreover；　the　nervous　feeling　was　within　me；　

impelling　me　upward。　　It　was　only　by　means　of　a　spring；　however；　

that　I　was　enabled　to　touch　the　top　of　the　tree；　I　sprang；　touched　

the　top　of　the　tree；　and　fell　a　distance　of　at　least　twenty　feet；　

amongst　the　branches；　had　I　fallen　to　the　bottom　I　must　have　been　

killed；　but　I　fell　into　the　middle　of　the　tree；　and　presently　found　

myself　astride　upon　one　of　the　boughs；　scratched　and　bruised　all　

over；　I　reached　the　ground；　and　regained　my　chamber　unobserved；　I　

flung　myself　on　my　bed　quite　exhausted；　presently　th