lavengro-第85章

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me。　　Meet　my　father　in　heaven；　…　how　could　I　ever　hope　to　meet　him　

there？　　I　looked　wildly　at　my　brethren　and　at　my　mother；　they　were　

all　bathed　in　tears；　but　how　I　envied　them。　　They　might　hope　to　

meet　my　father　in　heaven；　but　how　different　were　they　from　me；　they　

had　never　committed　the　unpardonable　sin。



'In　a　few　days　my　father　died；　he　left　his　family　in　comfortable　

circumstances；　at　least　such　as　would　be　considered　so　in　Wales；　

where　the　wants　of　the　people　are　few。　　My　elder　brother　carried　on　

the　farm　for　the　benefit　of　my　mother　and　us　all。　　In　course　of　

time　my　brothers　were　put　out　to　various　trades。　　I　still　remained　

at　school；　but　without　being　a　source　of　expense　to　my　relations；　

as　I　was　by　this　time　able　to　assist　my　master　in　the　business　of　

the　school。



'I　was　diligent　both　in　self…improvement　and　in　the　instruction　of　

others；　nevertheless；　a　horrible　weight　pressed　upon　my　breast；　I　

knew　I　was　a　lost　being；　that　for　me　there　was　no　hope；　that；　

though　all　others　might　be　saved；　I　must　of　necessity　be　lost；　I　

had　committed　the　unpardonable　sin；　for　which　I　was　doomed　to　

eternal　punishment；　in　the　flaming　gulf；　as　soon　as　life　was　over！　

…　and　how　long　could　I　hope　to　live？　perhaps　fifty　years；　at　the　

end　of　which　I　must　go　to　my　place；　and　then　I　would　count　the　

months　and　the　days；　nay；　even　the　hours；　which　yet　intervened　

between　me　and　my　doom。　　Sometimes　I　would　comfort　myself　with　the　

idea　that　a　long　time　would　elapse　before　my　time　would　be　out；　but　

then　again　I　thought　that；　however　long　the　term　might　be；　it　must　

be　out　at　last；　and　then　I　would　fall　into　an　agony；　during　which　I　

would　almost　wish　that　the　term　were　out；　and　that　I　were　in　my　

place；　the　horrors　of　which　I　thought　could　scarcely　be　worse　than　

what　I　then　endured。



'There　was　one　thought　about　this　time　which　caused　me　unutterable　

grief　and　shame；　perhaps　more　shame　than　grief。　　It　was　that　my　

father；　who　was　gone　to　heaven；　and　was　there　daily　holding　

communion　with　his　God；　was　by　this　time　aware　of　my　crime。　　I　

imagined　him　looking　down　from　the　clouds　upon　his　wretched　son；　

with　a　countenance　of　inexpressible　horror。　　When　this　idea　was　

upon　me；　I　would　often　rush　to　some　secret　place　to　hide　myself；　to　

some　thicket；　where　I　would　cast　myself　on　the　ground；　and　thrust　

my　head　into　a　thick　bush；　in　order　to　escape　from　the　horror…

struck　glance　of　my　father　above　in　the　clouds；　and　there　I　would　

continue　groaning　till　the　agony　had；　in　some　degree；　passed　away。



'The　wretchedness　of　my　state　increasing　daily；　it　at　last　became　

apparent　to　the　master　of　the　school；　who　questioned　me　earnestly　

and　affectionately。　　I；　however；　gave　him　no　satisfactory　answer；　

being　apprehensive　that；　if　I　unbosomed　myself；　I　should　become　as　

much　an　object　of　horror　to　him　as　I　had　long　been　to　myself。　　At　

length　he　suspected　that　I　was　unsettled　in　my　intellects；　and；　

fearing　probably　the　ill　effect　of　my　presence　upon　his　scholars；　

he　advised　me　to　go　home；　which　I　was　glad　to　do；　as　I　felt　myself　

every　day　becoming　less　qualified　for　the　duties　of　the　office　

which　I　had　undertaken。



'So　I　returned　home　to　my　mother　and　my　brother；　who　received　me　

with　the　greatest　kindness　and　affection。　　I　now　determined　to　

devote　myself　to　husbandry；　and　assist　my　brother　in　the　business　

of　the　farm。　　I　was　still；　however；　very　much　distressed。　　One　fine　

morning；　however；　as　I　was　at　work　in　the　field；　and　the　birds　were　

carolling　around　me；　a　ray　of　hope　began　to　break　upon　my　poor　dark　

soul。　　I　looked　at　the　earth　and　looked　at　the　sky；　and　felt　as　I　

had　not　done　for　many　a　year；　presently　a　delicious　feeling　stole　

over　me。　　I　was　beginning　to　enjoy　existence。　　I　shall　never　forget　

that　hour。　　I　flung　myself　on　the　soil；　and　kissed　it；　then；　

springing　up　with　a　sudden　impulse；　I　rushed　into　the　depths　of　a　

neighbouring　wood；　and；　falling　upon　my　knees；　did　what　I　had　not　

done　for　a　long；　long　time　…　prayed　to　God。



'A　change；　an　entire　change；　seemed　to　have　come　over　me。　　I　was　no　

longer　gloomy　and　despairing；　but　gay　and　happy。　　My　slumbers　were　

light　and　easy；　not　disturbed；　as　before；　by　frightful　dreams。　　I　

arose　with　the　lark；　and　like　him　uttered　a　cheerful　song　of　praise　

to　God；　frequently　and　earnestly；　and　was　particularly　cautious　not　

to　do　anything　which　I　considered　might　cause　His　displeasure。



'At　church　I　was　constant；　and　when　there　listened　with　deepest　

attention　to　every　word　which　proceeded　from　the　mouth　of　the　

minister。　　In　a　little　time　it　appeared　to　me　that　I　had　become　a　

good；　very　good；　young　man。　　At　times　the　recollection　of　the　sin　

would　return；　and　I　would　feel　a　momentary　chill；　but　the　thought　

quickly　vanished；　and　I　again　felt　happy　and　secure。



'One　Sunday　morning；　after　I　had　said　my　prayers；　I　felt　

particularly　joyous。　　I　thought　of　the　innocent　and　virtuous　life　I　

was　leading；　and　when　the　recollection　of　the　sin　intruded　for　a　

moment；　said；　〃I　am　sure　God　will　never　utterly　cast　away　so　good　a　

creature　as　myself。〃　　I　went　to　church；　and　was　as　usual　attentive。　　

The　subject　of　the　sermon　was　on　the　duty　of　searching　the　

Scriptures：　　all　I　knew　of　them　was　from　the　liturgy。　　I　now；　

however；　determined　to　read　them；　and　perfect　the　good　work　which　I　

had　begun。　　My　father's　Bible　was　upon　the　shelf；　and　on　that　

evening　I　took　it　with　me　to　my　chamber。　　I　placed　it　on　the　table；　

and　sat　down。　　My　heart　was　filled　with　pleasing　anticipation。　　I　

opened　the　book　at　random；　and　began　to　read；　the　first　passage　on　

which　my　eyes　lighted　was　the　following：…



'〃He　who　committeth　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost　shall　not　be　

forgiven；　either　in　this　world　or　the　next。〃'



Here　Peter　was　seized　with　convulsive　tremors。　　Winifred　sobbed　

violently。　　I　got　up；　and　went　away。　　Returning　in　about　a　quarter　

of　an　hour；　I　found　him　more　calm；　he　motioned　me　to　sit　down；　and；　

after　a　short　pause；　continued　his　narration。







CHAPTER　LXXVI







Hasty　farewell　…　Lofty　rock　…　Wrestlings　of　Jacob　…　No　rest　…　Ways　

of　Providence　…　Two　females　…　Foot　of　the　Cross　…　Enemy　of　souls　…　

Perplexed　…　Lucky　hour　…　Valetudinarian　…　Methodists　…　Fervent　in　

prayer　…　You　Saxons　…　Weak　creatures　…　Very　agreeable　…　Almost　

happy　…　Kindness　and　solicitude。



'WHERE　was　I；　young　man？　　Oh；　I　remember；　at　the　fatal　passage　

which　removed　all　hope。　　I　will　not　dwell　on　what　I　felt。　　I　closed　

my　eyes；　and　wished　that　I　might　be　dreaming；　but　it　was　no　dream；　

but　a　terrific　reality：　　I　will　not　dwell　on　that　period；　I　should　

only　shock　you。　　I　could　not　bear　my　feelings；　so；　bidding　my　

friends　a　hasty　farewell；　I　abandoned　myself　to　horror　and　despair；　

and　ran　wild　through　Wales；　climbing　mountains　and　wading　streams。



'Climbing　mountains　and　wading　streams；　I　ran　wild　about；　I　was　

burnt　by　the　sun；　drenched　by　the　rain；　and　had　frequently　at　night　

no　other　covering　than　the　sky；　or　the　humid　roof　of　some　cave；　but　

nothing　seemed　to　affect　my　constitution；　probably　the　fire　which　

burned　within　me　counteracted　what　I　suffered　from　without。　　During　

the　space　of　three　years　I　scarcely　knew　what　befell　me；　my　life　

was　a　dream　…　a　wild；　horrible　dream；　more　than　once　I　believe　I　

was　in　the　hands　of　robbers；　and　once　in　the　hands　of　gypsies。　　I　

liked　the　last　description　of　people　least　of　all；　I　could　not　

abide　their　yellow　faces；　or　their　ceaseless　clabber。　　Escaping　

from　these　beings；　whose　countenances　and　godless　discourse　brought　

to　my　mind　the　demons　of　the　deep　Unknown；　I　still　ran　wild　through　

Wales；　I　know　not　how　long。　　On　one　occasion；　coming　in　some　degree　

to　my　recollection；　I　felt　myself　quite　unable　to　bear　the　horrors　

of　my　situation；　looking　round　I　found　myself　near　the　sea；　

instantly　the　idea　came　into　my　head　that　I　would　cast　myself　into　

it；　and　thus　anticipate　my　final　doom。　　I　hesitated　a　moment；　but　a　

voice　within　me　seemed　to　tell　me　that　I　could　do　no　better；　the　

sea　was　near；　and　I　could　not　swim；　so　I　determined　to　fling　myself　

into　the　sea。　　As　I　was　running　along　at　great　speed；　in　the　

direction　of　a　lofty　rock；　which　beetled　over　the　waters；　I　

suddenly　felt　myself　seized　by　the　coat。　　I　strove　to　tear　myself　

away；　but　in　vain；　looking　round；　I　perceived　a　venerable　hale　old　

man；　who　had　hold　of　me。　　〃Let　me　go！〃　said　I；　fiercely。　　〃I　will　

not　let　thee　go；〃　said　the　old　man；　and　now；　instead　of　with　one；　

he　grappled　me　with　both　hands。　　〃In　whose　name　dost　thou　detain　

me？〃　said　I；　scarcely　knowing　what　I　said。　　〃In　the　name　of　my　

Master；　who　made　thee　and　yonder　sea；　and　has　said　to　the　sea；　So　

far　shalt　thou　come；　and　no　farther；　and　to　thee；　Thou　shalt　do　no　

murder。〃　　〃Has　not　a　man　a　right　to　do　what　he　pleases　with　his　

own？〃　said　I。　　〃He　has；〃　said　the　old　man；　〃but　thy　life　is　not　thy　

own；　thou　art　accountable　for　it　to　thy　God。　　Nay；　I　will　not　let　

thee　go；〃　he　continued；　as　I　again　struggled；　〃if　thou　struggle　

with　me　the　whole　day　I　will　not　let　thee　go；　as　Charles　Wesley　

says；　in　his　'Wrestlings　of　Jacob'；　and　see；　it　is　of　no　use　

struggling；　for　I　am；　in　the　strength　of　my　Master；　stronger　than　

thou〃；　and　indeed；　all　of　a　sudden　I　had　become　very　weak　and　

exhausted；　whereupon　the　old　man；　beholding　my　situation；　took　me　

by　the　arm　and　led　me　gently　to　a　neighbouring　town；　which　stood　

behind　a　hill；　and　which　I　had　not　before　observed；　presently　he　

opened　the　door　of　a　respectable…looking　house；　which　stood　beside　

a　large　building　having　the　appearance　of　a　chapel；　and　conducted　

me　into　a　small　room；　with　a　great　many　books　in　it。　　Having　caused　

me　to　sit　down；　he　stood　looking　at　me　for　some　time；　occasionally　

heaving　a　sigh。　　I　was；　indeed；　haggard　and　forlorn。　　〃Who　art　

thou？〃　he　said　at　last。　　〃A　miserable　man；〃　I　replied。　　〃What　makes　

thee　miserable？〃　said　the　old　man。　　〃A　hideous　crime；〃　I　replied。　　

〃I　can　find　no　rest；　like　Cain　I　wander　here　and　there。〃　　The　old　

man　turned　pale。　　〃Hast　thou　taken　another's　life？〃　said　he；　〃if　

so；　I　advise　thee　to　surrender　thyself　to　the　magistrate；　thou　

canst　do　no　better；　thy　doing　so　will　be　the　best　proof　of　thy　

repentance；　and　though　there　be　no　hope　for　thee　in　this　world　

there　may　be　much　in　the　next。〃　　〃No；〃　said　I；　〃I　have　never　taken　

another's　life。〃　　〃What　then；　another's　goods？　　If　so；　restore　them　

sevenfold；　if　possible：　　or；　if　it　be　not　in　thy　power；　and　thy　

conscience　accuse　thee；　surrender　thyself　to　the　magistrate；　and　

make　the　only　satisfaction　thou　art　able。〃　　〃I　have　taken　no　one's　

goods；〃　said　I。　　〃Of　what　art　thou　guilty；　then？〃　said　he。　　〃Art　

thou　a　drunkard？　a　profligate？〃　　〃Alas；　no；〃　said　I；　〃I　am　neither　

of　these；　would　that　I　were　no　worse。〃



'Thereupon　the　old　man　looked　steadfastly　at　me　for　some　time