lavengro-第86章

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of　these；　would　that　I　were　no　worse。〃



'Thereupon　the　old　man　looked　steadfastly　at　me　for　some　time；　

then；　after　appearing　to　reflect；　he　said；　〃Young　man；　I　have　a　

great　desire　to　know　your　name。〃　　〃What　matters　it　to　you　what　is　

my　name？〃　said　I；　〃you　know　nothing　of　me。〃　　〃Perhaps　you　are　

mistaken；〃　said　the　old　man；　looking　kindly　at　me；　〃but　at　all　

events　tell　me　your　name。〃　　I　hesitated　a　moment；　and　then　told　him　

who　I　was；　whereupon　he　exclaimed　with　much　emotion；　〃I　thought　so；　

how　wonderful　are　the　ways　of　Providence。　　I　have　heard　of　thee；　

young　man；　and　know　thy　mother　well。　　Only　a　month　ago；　when　upon　a　

journey；　I　experienced　much　kindness　from　her。　　She　was　speaking　to　

me　of　her　lost　child；　with　tears；　she　told　me　that　you　were　one　of　

the　best　of　sons；　but　that　some　strange　idea　appeared　to　have　

occupied　your　mind。　　Despair　not；　my　son。　　If　thou　hast　been　

afflicted；　I　doubt　not　but　that　thy　affliction　will　eventually　turn　

out　to　thy　benefit；　I　doubt　not　but　that　thou　wilt　be　preserved；　as　

an　example　of　the　great　mercy　of　God。　　I　will　now　kneel　down　and　

pray　for　thee；　my　son。〃



'He　knelt　down；　and　prayed　long　and　fervently。　　I　remained　standing　

for　some　time；　at　length　I　knelt　down　likewise。　　I　scarcely　knew　

what　he　was　saying；　but　when　he　concluded　I　said　〃Amen。〃



'And　when　we　had　risen　from　our　knees；　the　old　man　left　me　for　a　

short　time；　and　on　his　return　led　me　into　another　room；　where　were　

two　females；　one　was　an　elderly　person；　the　wife　of　the　old　man；　…　

the　other　was　a　young　woman　of　very　prepossessing　appearance　（hang　

not　down　thy　head；　Winifred）；　who　I　soon　found　was　a　distant　

relation　of　the　old　man；　…　both　received　me　with　great　kindness；　

the　old　man　having　doubtless　previously　told　them　who　I　was。



'I　stayed　several　days　in　the　good　man's　house。　　I　had　still　the　

greater　portion　of　a　small　sum　which　I　happened　to　have　about　me　

when　I　departed　on　my　dolorous　wandering；　and　with　this　I　purchased　

clothes；　and　altered　my　appearance　considerably。　　On　the　evening　of　

the　second　day　my　friend　said；　〃I　am　going　to　preach；　perhaps　you　

will　come　and　hear　me。〃　　I　consented；　and　we　all　went；　not　to　a　

church；　but　to　the　large　building　next　the　house；　for　the　old　man；　

though　a　clergyman；　was　not　of　the　established　persuasion；　and　

there　the　old　man　mounted　a　pulpit；　and　began　to　preach。　　〃Come　

unto　me；　all　ye　that　labour　and　are　heavy　laden；〃　etc。　etc。；　was　

his　text。　　His　sermon　was　long；　but　I　still　bear　the　greater　

portion　of　it　in　my　mind。



'The　substance　of　it　was　that　Jesus　was　at　all　times　ready　to　take　

upon　Himself　the　burden　of　our　sins；　provided　we　came　to　Him　with　a　

humble　and　contrite　spirit；　and　begged　His　help。　　This　doctrine　was　

new　to　me；　I　had　often　been　at　church；　but　had　never　heard　it　

preached　before；　at　least　so　distinctly。　　When　he　said　that　all　men　

might　be　saved；　I　shook；　for　I　expected　he　would　add；　all　except　

those　who　had　committed　the　mysterious　sin；　but　no；　all　men　were　to　

be　saved　who　with　a　humble　and　contrite　spirit　would　come　to　Jesus；　

cast　themselves　at　the　foot　of　His　cross；　and　accept　pardon　through　

the　merits　of　His　blood…shedding　alone。　　〃Therefore；　my　friends；〃　

said　he；　in　conclusion；　〃despair　not　…　however　guilty　you　may　be；　

despair　not　…　however　desperate　your　condition　may　seem；〃　said　he；　

fixing　his　eyes　upon　me；　〃despair　not。　　There　is　nothing　more　

foolish　and　more　wicked　than　despair；　over…weening　confidence　is　

not　more　foolish　than　despair；　both　are　the　favourite　weapons　of　

the　enemy　of　souls。〃



'This　discourse　gave　rise　in　my　mind　to　no　slight　perplexity。　　I　

had　read　in　the　Scriptures　that　he　who　committeth　a　certain　sin　

shall　never　be　forgiven；　and　that　there　is　no　hope　for　him　either　

in　this　world　or　the　next。　　And　here　was　a　man；　a　good　man　

certainly；　and　one　who；　of　necessity；　was　thoroughly　acquainted　

with　the　Scriptures；　who　told　me　that　any　one　might　be　forgiven；　

however　wicked；　who　would　only　trust　in　Christ　and　in　the　merits　of　

His　blood…shedding。　　Did　I　believe　in　Christ？　　Ay；　truly。　　Was　I　

willing　to　be　saved　by　Christ？　　Ay；　truly。　　Did　I　trust　in　Christ？　　

I　trusted　that　Christ　would　save　every　one　but　myself。　　And　why　not　

myself？　simply　because　the　Scriptures　had　told　me　that　he　who　has　

committed　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost　can　never　be　saved；　and　I　

had　committed　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost；　…　perhaps　the　only　

one　who　ever　had　committed　it。　　How　could　I　hope？　　The　Scriptures　

could　not　lie；　and　yet　here　was　this　good　old　man；　profoundly　

versed　in　the　Scriptures；　who　bade　me　hope；　would　he　lie？　　No。　　But　

did　the　old　man　know　my　case？　　Ah；　no；　he　did　not　know　my　case！　but　

yet　he　had　bid　me　hope；　whatever　I　had　done；　provided　I　would　go　to　

Jesus。　　But　how　could　I　think　of　going　to　Jesus；　when　the　

Scriptures　told　me　plainly　that　all　would　be　useless？　　I　was　

perplexed；　and　yet　a　ray　of　hope　began　to　dawn　in　my　soul。　　I　

thought　of　consulting　the　good　man；　but　I　was　afraid　he　would　drive　

away　the　small　glimmer。　　I　was　afraid　he　would　say；　〃Oh　yes；　every　

one　is　to　be　saved；　except　a　wretch　like　you；　I　was　not　aware　

before　that　there　was　anything　so　horrible；　…　begone！〃　　Once　or　

twice　the　old　man　questioned　me　on　the　subject　of　my　misery；　but　I　

evaded　him；　once；　indeed；　when　he　looked　particularly　benevolent；　I　

think　I　should　have　unbosomed　myself　to　him；　but　we　were　

interrupted。　　He　never　pressed　me　much；　perhaps　he　was　delicate　in　

probing　my　mind；　as　we　were　then　of　different　persuasions。　　Hence　

he　advised　me　to　seek　the　advice　of　some　powerful　minister　in　my　

own　church；　there　were　many　such　in　it；　he　said。



'I　stayed　several　days　in　the　family；　during　which　time　I　more　than　

once　heard　my　venerable　friend　preach；　each　time　he　preached；　he　

exhorted　his　hearers　not　to　despair。　　The　whole　family　were　kind　to　

me；　his　wife　frequently　discoursed　with　me；　and　also　the　young　

person　to　whom　I　have　already　alluded。　　It　appeared　to　me　that　the　

latter　took　a　peculiar　interest　in　my　fate。



'At　last　my　friend　said　to　me；　〃It　is　now　time　thou　shouldest　

return　to　thy　mother　and　thy　brother。〃　　So　I　arose；　and　departed　to　

my　mother　and　my　brother；　and　at　my　departure　my　old　friend　gave　me　

his　blessing；　and　his　wife　and　the　young　person　shed　tears；　the　

last　especially。　　And　when　my　mother　saw　me；　she　shed　tears；　and　

fell　on　my　neck　and　kissed　me；　and　my　brother　took　me　by　the　hand　

and　bade　me　welcome；　and　when　our　first　emotions　were　subsided；　my　

mother　said；　〃I　trust　thou　art　come　in　a　lucky　hour。　　A　few　weeks　

ago　my　cousin　（whose　favourite　thou　always　wast）　died　and　left　thee　

his　heir　…　left　thee　the　goodly　farm　in　which　he　lived。　　I　trust；　

my　son；　that　thou　wilt　now　settle；　and　be　a　comfort　to　me　in　my　old　

days。〃　　And　I　answered；　〃I　will；　if　so　please　the　Lord〃；　and　I　said　

to　myself；　〃God　grant　that　this　bequest　be　a　token　of　the　Lord's　

favour。〃



'And　in　a　few　days　I　departed　to　take　possession　of　my　farm；　it　was　

about　twenty　miles　from　my　mother's　house；　in　a　beautiful　but　

rather　wild　district；　I　arrived　at　the　fall　of　the　leaf。　　All　day　

long　I　busied　myself　with　my　farm；　and　thus　kept　my　mind　employed。　　

At　night；　however；　I　felt　rather　solitary；　and　I　frequently　wished　

for　a　companion。　　Each　night　and　morning　I　prayed　fervently　unto　

the　Lord；　for　His　hand　had　been　very　heavy　upon　me；　and　I　feared　

Him。



'There　was　one　thing　connected　with　my　new　abode　which　gave　me　

considerable　uneasiness　…　the　want　of　spiritual　instruction。　　There　

was　a　church；　indeed；　close　at　hand；　in　which　service　was　

occasionally　performed；　but　in　so　hurried　and　heartless　a　manner　

that　I　derived　little　benefit　from　it。　　The　clergyman　to　whom　the　

benefice　belonged　was　a　valetudinarian；　who　passed　his　time　in　

London；　or　at　some　watering…place；　entrusting　the　care　of　his　flock　

to　the　curate　of　a　distant　parish；　who　gave　himself　very　little　

trouble　about　the　matter。　　Now　I　wanted　every　Sunday　to　hear　from　

the　pulpit　words　of　consolation　and　encouragement；　similar　to　those　

which　I　had　heard　uttered　from　the　pulpit　by　my　good　and　venerable　

friend；　but　I　was　debarred　from　this　privilege。　　At　length；　one　day　

being　in　conversation　with　one　of　my　labourers；　a　staid　and　serious　

man；　I　spoke　to　him　of　the　matter　which　lay　heavy　upon　my　mind；　

whereupon；　looking　me　wistfully　in　the　face；　he　said；　〃Master；　the　

want　of　religious　instruction　in　my　church　was　what　drove　me　to　the　

Methodists。〃　　〃The　Methodists；〃　said　I；　〃are　there　any　in　these　

parts？〃　　〃There　is　a　chapel；〃　said　he；　〃only　half　a　mile　distant；　

at　which　there　are　two　services　every　Sunday；　and　other　two　during　

the　week。〃　　Now　it　happened　that　my　venerable　friend　was　of　the　

Methodist　persuasion；　and　when　I　heard　the　poor　man　talk　in　this　

manner；　I　said　to　him；　〃May　I　go　with　you　next　Sunday？〃　　〃Why　not？〃　

said　he；　so　I　went　with　the　labourer　on　the　ensuing　Sabbath　to　the　

meeting　of　the　Methodists。



'I　liked　the　preaching　which　I　heard　at　the　chapel　very　well；　

though　it　was　not　quite　so　comfortable　as　that　of　my　old　friend；　

the　preacher　being　in　some　respects　a　different　kind　of　man。　　It；　

however；　did　me　good；　and　I　went　again；　and　continued　to　do　so；　

though　I　did　not　become　a　regular　member　of　the　body　at　that　time。



'I　had　now　the　benefit　of　religious　instruction；　and　also　to　a　

certain　extent　of　religious　fellowship；　for　the　preacher　and　

various　members　of　his　flock　frequently　came　to　see　me。　　They　were　

honest　plain　men；　not　exactly　of　the　description　which　I　wished　

for；　but　still　good　sort　of　people；　and　I　was　glad　to　see　them。　　

Once　on　a　time；　when　some　of　them　were　with　me；　one　of　them　

inquired　whether　I　was　fervent　in　prayer。　　〃Very　fervent；〃　said　I。　　

〃And　do　you　read　the　Scriptures　often？〃　said　he。　　〃No；〃　said　I。　　

〃Why　not？〃　said　he。　　〃Because　I　am　afraid　to　see　there　my　own　

condemnation。〃　　They　looked　at　each　other；　and　said　nothing　at　the　

time。　　On　leaving　me；　however；　they　all　advised　me　to　read　the　

Scriptures　with　fervency　and　prayer。



'As　I　had　told　these　honest　people；　I　shrank　from　searching　the　

Scriptures；　the　remembrance　of　the　fatal　passage　was　still　too　

vivid　in　my　mind　to　permit　me。　　I　did　not　wish　to　see　my　

condemnation　repeated；　but　I　was　very　fervent　in　prayer；　and　almost　

hoped　that　God　would　yet　forgive　me　by　virtue　of　the　blood…shedding　

of　the　Lamb。　　Time　passed　on；　my　affairs　prospered；　and　I　enjoyed　a　

certain　portion　of　tranquillity。　　Occasionally；　when　I　had　nothing　

else　to　do；　I　renewed　my　studies。　　Many　is　the　book　I　read；　

especially　in　my　native　language；　for　I　was　always　fond　of　my　

native　language；　and　proud　of　being　a　Welshman。　　Amongst　the　books　

I　read　were　the　odes　of　the　great　Ab　Gwilym；　whom　thou；　friend；　

hast　never　heard　of；　no；　nor　any　of　thy　countrymen；　for