lavengro-第87章

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hast　never　heard　of；　no；　nor　any　of　thy　countrymen；　for　you　are　an　

ignorant　race；　you　Saxons；　at　least　with　respect　to　all　that　

relates　to　Wales　and　Welshmen。　　I　likewise　read　the　book　of　Master　

Ellis　Wyn。　　The　latter　work　possessed　a　singular　fascination　for　

me；　on　account　of　its　wonderful　delineations　of　the　torments　of　the　

nether　world。



'But　man　does　not　love　to　be　alone；　indeed；　the　Scripture　says　that　

it　is　not　good　for　man　to　be　alone。　　I　occupied　my　body　with　the　

pursuits　of　husbandry；　and　I　improved　my　mind　with　the　perusal　of　

good　and　wise　books；　but；　as　I　have　already　said；　I　frequently　

sighed　for　a　companion　with　whom　I　could　exchange　ideas；　and　who　

could　take　an　interest　in　my　pursuits；　the　want　of　such　a　one　I　

more　particularly　felt　in　the　long　winter　evenings。　　It　was　then　

that　the　image　of　the　young　person　whom　I　had　seen　in　the　house　of　

the　preacher　frequently　rose　up　distinctly　before　my　mind's　eye；　

decked　with　quiet　graces　…　hang　not　down　your　head；　Winifred　…　and　

I　thought　that　of　all　the　women　in　the　world　I　should　wish　her　to　

be　my　partner；　and　then　I　considered　whether　it　would　be　possible　

to　obtain　her。　　I　am　ready　to　acknowledge；　friend；　that　it　was　both　

selfish　and　wicked　in　me　to　wish　to　fetter　any　human　being　to　a　

lost　creature　like　myself；　conscious　of　having　committed　a　crime　

for　which　the　Scriptures　told　me　there　is　no　pardon。　　I　had；　

indeed；　a　long　struggle　as　to　whether　I　should　make　the　attempt　or　

not　…　selfishness　however　prevailed。　　I　will　not　detain　your　

attention　with　relating　all　that　occurred　at　this　period　…　suffice　

it　to　say　that　I　made　my　suit　and　was　successful；　it　is　true　that　

the　old　man；　who　was　her　guardian；　hesitated；　and　asked　several　

questions　respecting　my　state　of　mind。　　I　am　afraid　that　I　partly　

deceived　him；　perhaps　he　partly　deceived　himself；　he　was　pleased　

that　I　had　adopted　his　profession　…　we　are　all　weak　creatures。　　

With　respect　to　the　young　person；　she　did　not　ask　many　questions；　

and　I　soon　found　that　I　had　won　her　heart。　　To　be　brief；　I　married　

her；　and　here　she　is；　the　truest　wife　that　ever　man　had；　and　the　

kindest。　　Kind　I　may　well　call　her；　seeing　that　she　shrinks　not　

from　me；　who　so　cruelly　deceived　her；　in　not　telling　her　at　first　

what　I　was。　　I　married　her；　friend；　and　brought　her　home　to　my　

little　possession；　where　we　passed　our　time　very　agreeably。　　Our　

affairs　prospered；　our　garners　were　full；　and　there　was　coin　in　our　

purse。　　I　worked　in　the　field；　Winifred　busied　herself　with　the　

dairy。　　At　night　I　frequently　read　books　to　her；　books　of　my　own　

country；　friend；　I　likewise　read　to　her　songs　of　my　own；　holy　songs　

and　carols　which　she　admired；　and　which　yourself　would　perhaps　

admire；　could　you　understand　them；　but　I　repeat；　you　Saxons　are　an　

ignorant　people　with　respect　to　us；　and　a　perverse；　inasmuch　as　you　

despise　Welsh　without　understanding　it。　　Every　night　I　prayed　

fervently；　and　my　wife　admired　my　gift　of　prayer。



'One　night；　after　I　had　been　reading　to　my　wife　a　portion　of　Ellis　

Wyn；　my　wife　said；　〃This　is　a　wonderful　book；　and　containing　much　

true　and　pleasant　doctrine；　but　how　is　it　that　you；　who　are　so　fond　

of　good　books；　and　good　things　in　general；　never　read　the　Bible？　　

You　read　me　the　book　of　Master　Ellis　Wyn；　you　read　me　sweet　songs　

of　your　own　composition；　you　edify　me　with　your　gift　of　prayer；　but　

yet　you　never　read　the　Bible。〃　　And　when　I　heard　her　mention　the　

Bible　I　shook；　for　I　thought　of　my　own　condemnation。　　However；　I　

dearly　loved　my　wife；　and　as　she　pressed　me；　I　commenced　on　that　

very　night　reading　the　Bible。　　All　went　on　smoothly　for　a　long　

time；　for　months　and　months　I　did　not　find　the　fatal　passage；　so　

that　I　almost　thought　that　I　had　imagined　it。　　My　affairs　prospered　

much　the　while；　so　that　I　was　almost　happy；　…　taking　pleasure　in　

everything　around　me；　…　in　my　wife；　in　my　farm；　my　books　and　

compositions；　and　the　Welsh　language；　till　one　night；　as　I　was　

reading　the　Bible；　feeling　particularly　comfortable；　a　thought　

having　just　come　into　my　head　that　I　would　print　some　of　my　

compositions；　and　purchase　a　particular　field　of　a　neighbour　…　O　

God　…　God！　　I　came　to　the　fatal　passage。



'Friend；　friend；　what　shall　I　say？　　I　rushed　out。　　My　wife　followed　

me；　asking　me　what　was　the　matter。　　I　could　only　answer　with　groans　

…　for　three　days　and　three　nights　I　did　little　else　than　groan。　　Oh　

the　kindness　and　solicitude　of　my　wife！　　〃What　is　the　matter　

husband；　dear　husband？〃　she　was　continually　saying。　　I　became　at　

last　more　calm。　　My　wife　still　persisted　in　asking　me　the　cause　of　

my　late　paroxysm。　　It　is　hard　to　keep　a　secret　from　a　wife；　

especially　such　a　wife　as　mine；　so　I　told　my　wife　the　tale；　as　we　

sat　one　night　…　it　was　a　mid…winter　night　…　over　the　dying　brands　

of　our　hearth；　after　the　family　had　retired　to　rest；　her　hand　

locked　in　mine；　even　as　it　is　now。



'I　thought　she　would　have　shrunk　from　me　with　horror；　but　she　did　

not；　her　hand；　it　is　true；　trembled　once　or　twice；　but　that　was　

all。　　At　last　she　gave　mine　a　gentle　pressure；　and；　looking　up　in　

my　face；　she　said　…　what　do　you　think　my　wife　said；　young　man？'



'It　is　impossible　for　me　to　guess；'　said　I。



〃Let　us　go　to　rest；　my　love；　your　fears　are　all　groundless。〃'







CHAPTER　LXXVII







Getting　late　…　Seven　years　old　…　Chastening　…　Go　forth　…　London　

Bridge　…　Same　eyes　…　Common　occurrence　…　Very　sleepy。



'AND　so　I　still　say；'　said　Winifred；　sobbing。　　'Let　us　retire　to　

rest；　dear　husband；　your　fears　are　groundless。　　I　had　hoped　long　

since　that　your　affliction　would　have　passed　away；　and　I　still　hope　

that　it　eventually　will；　so　take　heart；　Peter；　and　let　us　retire　to　

rest；　for　it　is　getting　late。'



'Rest！'　said　Peter；　'there　is　no　rest　for　the　wicked！'



'We　are　all　wicked；'　said　Winifred；　'but　you　are　afraid　of　a　

shadow。　　How　often　have　I　told　you　that　the　sin　of　your　heart　is　

not　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost：　　the　sin　of　your　heart　is　its　

natural　pride；　of　which　you　are　scarcely　aware；　to　keep　down　which　

God　in　His　mercy　permitted　you　to　be　terrified　with　the　idea　of　

having　committed　a　sin　which　you　never　committed。'



'Then　you　will　still　maintain；'　said　Peter；　'that　I　never　committed　

the　sin　against　the　Holy　Spirit？'



'I　will；'　said　Winifred；　'you　never　committed　it。　　How　should　a　

child　seven　years　old　commit　a　sin　like　that？'



'Have　I　not　read　my　own　condemnation？'　said　Peter。　　'Did　not　the　

first　words　which　I　read　in　the　Holy　Scripture　condemn　me？　　〃He　who　

committeth　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost　shall　never　enter　into　

the　kingdom　of　God。〃'



'You　never　committed　it；'　said　Winifred。



'But　the　words！　the　words！　the　words！'　said　Peter。



'The　words　are　true　words；'　said　Winifred；　sobbing；　'but　they　were　

not　meant　for　you；　but　for　those　who　have　broken　their　profession；　

who；　having　embraced　the　cross；　have　receded　from　their　Master。'



'And　what　sayst　thou　to　the　effect　which　the　words　produced　upon　

me？'　said　Peter。　　'Did　they　not　cause　me　to　run　wild　through　Wales　

for　years；　like　Merddin　Wyllt　of　yore；　thinkest　thou　that　I　opened　

the　book　at　that　particular　passage　by　chance？'



'No；'　said　Winifred；　'not　by　chance；　it　was　the　hand　of　God　

directed　you；　doubtless　for　some　wise　purpose。　　You　had　become　

satisfied　with　yourself。　　The　Lord　wished　to　rouse　thee　from　thy　

state　of　carnal　security；　and　therefore　directed　your　eyes　to　that　

fearful　passage。'



'Does　the　Lord　then　carry　out　His　designs　by　means　of　guile？'　said　

Peter　with　a　groan。　　'Is　not　the　Lord　true？　　Would　the　Lord　impress　

upon　me　that　I　had　committed　a　sin　of　which　I　am　guiltless？　　Hush；　

Winifred！　hush！　thou　knowest　that　I　have　committed　the　sin。'



'Thou　hast　not　committed　it；'　said　Winifred；　sobbing　yet　more　

violently。　　'Were　they　my　last　words；　I　would　persist　that　thou　

hast　not　committed　it；　though；　perhaps；　thou　wouldst；　but　for　this　

chastening；　it　was　not　to　convince　thee　that　thou　hast　committed　

the　sin；　but　rather　to　prevent　thee　from　committing　it；　that　the　

Lord　brought　that　passage　before　thy　eyes。　　He　is　not　to　blame；　if　

thou　art　wilfully　blind　to　the　truth　and　wisdom　of　His　ways。'



'I　see　thou　wouldst　comfort　me；'　said　Peter；　'as　thou　hast　often　

before　attempted　to　do。　　I　would　fain　ask　the　young　man　his　

opinion。'



'I　have　not　yet　heard　the　whole　of　your　history；'　said　I。



'My　story　is　nearly　told；'　said　Peter；　'a　few　words　will　complete　

it。　　My　wife　endeavoured　to　console　and　reassure　me；　using　the　

arguments　which　you　have　just　heard　her　use；　and　many　others；　but　

in　vain。　　Peace　nor　comfort　came　to　my　breast。　　I　was　rapidly　

falling　into　the　depths　of　despair；　when　one　day　Winifred　said　to　

me；　〃I　see　thou　wilt　be　lost；　if　we　remain　here。　　One　resource　only　

remains。　　Thou　must　go　forth；　my　husband；　into　the　wide　world；　and　

to　comfort　thee　I　will　go　with　thee。〃　　〃And　what　can　I　do　in　the　

wide　world？〃　said　I；　despondingly。　　〃Much；〃　replied　Winifred；　〃if　

you　will　but　exert　yourself；　much　good　canst　thou　do　with　the　

blessing　of　God。〃　　Many　things　of　the　same　kind　she　said　to　me；　and　

at　last　I　arose　from　the　earth　to　which　God　had　smitten　me；　and　

disposed　of　my　property　in　the　best　way　I　could；　and　went　into　the　

world。　　We　did　all　the　good　we　were　able；　visiting　the　sick；　

ministering　to　the　sick；　and　praying　with　the　sick。　　At　last　I　

became　celebrated　as　the　possessor　of　a　great　gift　of　prayer。　　And　

people　urged　me　to　preach；　and　Winifred　urged　me　too；　and　at　last　I　

consented；　and　I　preached。　　I　…　I　…　outcast　Peter；　became　the　

preacher　Peter　Williams。　　I；　the　lost　one；　attempted　to　show　others　

the　right　road。　　And　in　this　way　I　have　gone　on　for　thirteen　years；　

preaching　and　teaching；　visiting　the　sick；　and　ministering　to　them；　

with　Winifred　by　my　side　heartening　me　on。　　Occasionally　I　am　

visited　with　fits　of　indescribable　agony；　generally　on　the　night　

before　the　Sabbath；　for　I　then　ask　myself；　how　dare　I；　the　outcast；　

attempt　to　preach　the　word　of　God？　　Young　man；　my　tale　is　told；　you　

seem　in　thought！'



'I　am　thinking　of　London　Bridge；'　said　I。



'Of　London　Bridge！'　said　Peter　and　his　wife。



'Yes；'　said　I；　'of　London　Bridge。　　I　am　indebted　for　much　wisdom　to　

London　Bridge；　it　was　there　that　I　completed　my　studies。　　But　to　

the　point。　　I　was　once　reading　on　London　Bridge　a　book　which　an　

ancient　gentlewoman；　who　kept　the　bridge；　was　in　the　habit　of　

lending　me；　and　there　I　found　written；　〃Each　one　carries　in　his　

breast　the　recollection　of　some　sin　which　presses　heavy　upon　him。　　

Oh；　if　men　could　but　look　into　each　other's　hearts；　what　blackness　

would　they　find　there！〃'



'That's　true；'　said　Peter。　　'What　is　the　name　of　the　book？'



'THE　LIFE　OF　BLESSED　MARY　FLANDERS。'



'Some　popish　saint；　I　suppose；'　sai