donal grant-第39章

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people　for　whom　he　had　sacrificed　everything；　but　where　was　the
possibility？　When　thoughts　like　these　grew　too　many　for　him；　Forgue
wished　he　had　never　seen　the　girl。　His　heart　would　immediately
reproach　him；　immediately　he　would　comfort　his　conscience　with　the
reflection　that　to　wish　he　had　never　seen　her　was　a　very　different
thing　from　wishing　to　act　as　if　he　had。　He　loafed　about　in　her
neighbourhood　as　much　as　he　dared；　haunted　the　house　itself　in　the
twilight；　and　at　night　even　ventured　sometimes　to　creep　up　the
stair；　but　for　some　time　he　never　even　saw　her：　for　days　Eppy　never
went　out　of　doors　except　into　the　garden。

Though　she　had　not　spoken　of　it；　Arctura　had　had　more　than　a
suspicion　that　something　was　going　on　between　her　cousin　and　the
pretty　maid；　for　the　little　window　of　her　sitting　room　partially
overlooked　a　certain　retired　spot　favoured　of　the　lovers；　and　after
Eppy　left　the　house；　Davie；　though　he　did　not　associate　the　facts；
noted　that　she　was　more　cheerful　than　before。　But　there　was　no
enlargement　of　intercourse　between　her　and　Forgue。　They　knew　it　was
the　wish　of　the　head　of　the　house　that　they　should　marry；　but　the
earl　had　been　wise　enough　to　say　nothing　openly　to　either　of　them：
he　believed　the　thing　would　have　a　better　chance　on　its　own　merits；
and　as　yet　they　had　shown　no　sign　of　drawing　to　each　other。　It
might；　perhaps；　have　been　otherwise　on　his　part　had　not　the　young
lord　been　taken　with　the　pretty　housemaid；　though　at　first　he　had
thought　of　nothing　more　than　a　little　passing　flirtation；　reckoning
his　advantage　with　her　by　the　height　on　which　he　stood　in　his　own
regard；　but　it　was　from　no　jealousy　that　Arctura　was　relieved　by　the
departure　of　Eppy。　She　had　never　seen　anything　attractive　in　her
cousin；　and　her　religious　impressions　would　have　been　enough　to
protect　her　from　any　drawing　to　him：　had　they　not　poisoned　in　her
even　the　virtue　of　common　house…friendliness　toward　a　very　different
man？　The　sense　of　relief　she　had　when　Eppy　went；　lay　in　being
delivered　from　the　presence　of　something　clandestine；　with　which　she
could　not　interfere　so　far　as　to　confess　knowledge　of　it。　It　had
rendered　her　uneasy；　she　had　felt　shy　and　uncomfortable。　Once　or
twice　she　had　been　on　the　point　of　saying　to　Mrs。　Brookes　that　she
thought　her　cousin　and　Eppy　very　oddly　familiar；　but　had　failed　of
courage。　It　was　no　wonder　therefore　that　she　should　be　more
cheerful。




CHAPTER　XXXVIII。

ARCTURA　AND　SOPHIA。

About　this　time　her　friend；　Miss　Carmichael；　returned　from　a　rather
lengthened　visit。　But　after　the　atonement　that　had　taken　place
between　her　and　Donal；　it　was　with　some　anxiety　that　lady　Arctura
looked　forward　to　seeing　her。　She　shrank　from　telling　her　what　had
come　about　through　the　wonderful　poem；　as　she　thought　it；　which　had
so　bewitched　her。　She　shrank　too　from　showing　her　the　verses：　they
were　not　of　a　kind；　she　was　sure；　to　meet　with　recognition　from　her。
She　knew　she　would　make　game　of　them；　and　that　not　good…humouredly
like　Kate；　who　yet　confessed　to　some　beauty　in　them。　For　herself；
the　poem　and　the　study　of　its　growth　had　ministered　so　much
nourishment　to　certain　healthy　poetic　seeds　lying　hard　and　dry　in
her　bosom；　that　they　had　begun　to　sprout；　indeed　to　shoot　rapidly
up。　Donal's　poem　could　not　fail　therefore　to　be　to　her　thenceforward
something　sacred。　A　related　result　also　was　that　it　had　made　her
aware　of　something　very　defective　in　her　friend's　constitution：　she
did　not　know　whether　in　her　constitution　mental；　moral；　or
spiritual：　probably　it　was　in　all　three。　Doubtless；　thought　Arctura；
she　knew　most　things　better　than　she；　and　certainly　had　a　great　deal
more　common　sense；　but；　on　the　other　hand；　was　she　not　satisfied
with　far　less　than　she　could　be　satisfied　with？　To　believe　as　her
friend　believed　would　not　save　her　from　insanity！　She　must　be　made
on　a　smaller　scale　of　necessities　than　herself！　How　was　she　able　to
love　the　God　she　said　she　believed　in？　God　should　at　least　be　as
beautiful　as　his　creature　could　imagine　him！　But　Miss　Carmichael
would　say　her　poor　earthly　imagination　was　not　to　occupy　itself　with
such　a　high　subject！　Oh；　why　would　not　God　tell　her　something　about
himselfsomething　directstraight　from　himself？　Why　should　she
only　hear　of　him　at　second　handalways　and　always？

Alas；　poor　girl！　second　hand？　Five　hundredth　hand　rather？　And　she
might　have　been　all　the　time　communing　with　the　very　God　himself；
manifest　in　his　own　shape；　which　is　ours　also！all　the　time
learning　that　her　imagination　could　nevernot　to　say　originate；
but；　when　presented；　receive　into　it　the　unspeakable　excess　of　his
loveliness；　of　his　absolute　devotion　and　tenderness　to　the
creatures；　the　children　of　his　father！

In　the　absence　of　Miss　Carmichael　she　had　thought　with　less
oppression　of　many　things　that　in　her　presence　appeared
ghastly…hopeless；　now　in　the　prospect　of　her　reappearance　she　began
to　feel　wicked　in　daring　a　thought　of　her　own　concerning　the　God
that　was　nearer　to　her　than　her　thoughts！　Such　an　unhealthy　mastery
had　she　gained　over　her！　What　if　they　met　Donal；　and　she　saw　her
smile　to　him　as　she　always　did　now！　One　thing　she　was　determined
uponand　herein　lay　the　pledge　of　her　coming　freedom！that　she
would　not　behave　to　him　in　the　least　otherwise　than　her　wont。　If　she
would　be　worthy；　she　must　be　straightforward！

Donal　and　she　had　never　had　any　further　talk；　much　as　she　would　have
liked　it；　upon　things　poetic。　As　a　matter　of　supposed　dutywhere
she　had　got　the　idea　I　do　not　knowcertainly　not　from　Miss
Carmichael；　seeing　she　approved　of　little　poetry　but　that　of　Young；
Cowper；　Pollok；　and　James　Montgomeryshe　had　been　reading　the
Paradise　Lost；　and　wished　much　to　speak　of　it　to　Donal；　but　had　not
the　courage。

When　Miss　Carmichael　came；　she　at　once　perceived　a　difference　in
her；　and　it　set　her　thinking。　She　was　not　one　to　do　or　say　anything
without　thinking　over　it　first。　She　had　such　a　thorough　confidence
in　her　judgment；　and　such　a　pleasure　in　exercising　it；　that　she
almost　always　rejected　an　impulse。　Judgment　was　on　the　throne；
feeling　under　the　footstool。　There　was　something　in　Arctura's
carriage　which　reminded　her　of　the　only　time　when　she　had　stood　upon
her　rank　with　her。　This　was　once　she　made　a　remark　disparaging　a
favourite　dog：　for　the　animals　Arctura　could　brave　even　her
spiritual　nightmare：　they　were　not　under　the　wrath　and　curse　like
men　and　women；　therefore　might　be　defended！　She　had　on　that　occasion
shown　so　much　offence　that　Miss　Carmichael　saw；　if　she　was　to　keep
her　influence　over　her；　she　must　avoid　rousing　the　phantom　of　rank
in　defence　of　prejudice。　She　was　now　therefore　carefulsaid　next　to
nothing；　but　watched　her　keenly；　and　not　the　less　slyly　that　she
looked　her　straight　in　the　face。　There　is　an　effort　to　see　into　the
soul　of　others　that　is　essentially　treacherous；　wherever；　friendship
being　the　ostensible　bond；　inquiry　outruns　regard；　it　is
treacheryan　endeavour　to　grasp　more　than　the　friend　would
knowingly　give。

They　went　for　a　little　walk　in　the　grounds；　as　they　returned　they
met　Donal　going　out　with　Davie。　Arctura　and　Donal　passed　with　a　bow
and　a　friendly　smile；　Davie　stopped　and　spoke　to　the　ladies；　then
bounded　after　his　friend。

〃Have　you　attended　the　scripture…lesson　regularly？〃　asked　Miss
Carmichael。

〃Yes；　I　have　been　absent　only　once；　I　think；　since　you　left；〃
replied　Arctura。

〃Good；　my　dear！　You　have　not　been　leaving　your　lamb　to　the　wolf！〃

〃I　begin　to　doubt　if　he　be　a　wolf。〃

〃Ah！　does　he　wear　his　sheepskin　so　well？　Are　you　sure　he　is　not
plotting　to　devour　sheep　and　shepherd　together？〃　said　Miss
Carmichael；　with　an　open　glance　of　search。

〃Don't　you　think；〃　suggested　Arctura；　〃when　you　are　not　able　to　say
anything；　it　would　be　better　not　to　be　present？　Your　silence　looks
like　agreement。〃

〃But　you　can　always　protest！　You　can　assert　he　is　all　wrong。　You　can
say　you　do　not　in　the　least　agree　with　him！〃

〃But　what　if　you　are　not　sure　that　you　do　not　agree　with　him？〃

〃I　thought　as　much！〃　said　Miss　Carmichael　to　herself。　〃I　might　have
foreseen　this！〃Here　she　spoke。〃If　you　are　not　sure　you　do　agree；
you　can　say；　'I　can't　say　I　agree　with　you！'　It　is　always　safer　to
admit　little　than　much。〃

〃I　do　not　quite　follow　you。　But　speaking　of　little　and　much；　I　am
sure　I　want　a　great　deal　more　than　I　know　yet　to　save　me。　I　have
never　yet　heard　what　seems　enough。〃

〃Is　that　to　say　God　has　not　done　his　part？〃

〃No；　it　is　only　to　say　that　I　hope　he　has　done　more　than　I　have　yet
heard。〃

〃More　than　send　his　son　to　die　for　your　sins？〃

〃More　than　you　say　that　means。〃

〃You　have　but　to　believe　Christ　did　so。〃

〃I　don't　know　that　he　died　for　my　sins。〃

〃He　died　for　the　sins　of　the　whole　world。〃

〃Then　I　must　be　saved！〃

〃Yes；　if　you　believe　that　he　made　atonement　for　your　sins。〃

〃Then　I　cannot　be　saved　except　I　believe　that　I　shall　be　saved。　And
I　cannot　believe　I　shall　be　saved　until　I　know　I　shall　be　saved！〃

〃You　are　cavilling；　Arctura！　Ah；　this　is　what　you　have　been　learning
of　Mr。　Grant！　I　ought　not　to　have　gone　away！〃

〃Nothing　of　the　sort！〃　said　Arctura；　drawing　herself　up　a　little。　〃I
am　sorry　if　I　have　said　anything　wrong；　but　really　I　can　get　hold　of
nothing！　I　feel　sometimes　as　if　I　should　go　out　of　my　mind。〃

〃Arctura；　I　have　done　my　best　for　you！　If　you　think　you　have　found　a
better　teacher；　no　warning；　I　fear；　will　any　longer　avail！〃

〃If　I　did　think　I　had　found　a　better　teacher；　no　warning　certainly
would；　I　am　only　afraid　I　have　not。　But　of　one　thing　I　am　surethat
the　things　Mr。　Grant　teaches　are　much　more　to　be　desired　than〃

〃By　the　unsanctified　heart；　no　doubt！〃　said　Sophia。

〃The　unsanctified　heart；〃　rejoined　Arctura；　astonished　at　her　own
boldness；　and　the　sense　of　power　and　freedom　growing　in　her　as　she
spoke；　〃surely　needs　God　as　much　as　the　sanctified！　But　can　the
heart　be　altogether　unsanctified　that　desires　to　find　God　so
beautiful　and　good　that　it　can　worship　him　with　its　whole　power　of
love　and　adoration？　Or　is　God　less　beautiful　and　good　than　that？〃

〃We　ought　to　worship　God　whatever　he　is。〃

〃But　could　we　love　him　with　all　our　hearts　if　he　were　not　altogether
lovable？〃

〃He　might　not　be　the　less　to　be　worshipped　though　he　seemed　so　to
us。　We　must　worship　his　justice　as　much　as　his　love；　his　power　as
much　as　his　justice。〃

Arctura　returned　no　answer；　the　words　had　fallen　on　her　heart　like
an　ice…berg。　She　was　not；　however；　so　utterly　overwhelmed　by　them　as
she　would　have　been　some　time　before；　she　thought　with　herself；　〃I
will　ask　Mr。　Grant！　I　am　sure　he　does　not　think　like　that！　Worship
power　as　much　as　love！　I　begin　to　think　she　does　not　understand　what
she　is　talking　about！　If　I　were　to　make　a　creature　needing　all　my
love　to　make　life　endurable　to　him；　and　then　not　be　kind　enough　to
him；　should　I　not　be　cruel？　Would　I　not　be　to　blame？　Can　God　be　God
and　do　anything　conceivably　to　blameanything　that　is　not
altogether　beautiful？　She　tells　me　we　cannot　judge　what　it　would　be
right　for　God　to　do　by　what　it　would　be　right　for　us　to　do：　if　what
seems　right　to　me　is　not　right　to　God；　I　must　wrong　my　conscience
and　be　a　sinner　in　order　to　serve　him！　The