the ways of men-第4章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


to　the　carpets　under　　foot；　which　latter　are　not　only　manufactured；　but　cleaned　and　　shaken　by　machinery；　and　（be　it　remarked　EN　PASSANT）　lose　　their　nap　prematurely　in　the　process。　　To　satisfy　our　national　　love　of　the　new；　an　endless　and　nameless　variety　of　trifles　　appears　each　season；　so…called　labor　and　time…saving　　combinations；　that　enjoy　a　brief　hour　of　vogue；　only　to　make　　way　for　a　newer　series　of　inventions。

As　long　as　our　geniuses　confined　themselves　to　making　life　one　　long　and　breathless　scramble；　it　was　bad　enough；　but　a　line　　should　have　been　drawn　where　meddling　with　the　sanctity　of　the　　toilet　began。　　This；　alas！　was　not　done。　　Nothing　has　remained　　sacred　to　the　inventor。　　In　consequence；　the　average　up…to…　date　American　is　a　walking　collection　of　Yankee　notions；　an　　ingenious　illusion；　made　up　of　patents；　requiring　as　nice　　adjustment　to　put　together　and　undo　as　a　thirteenth…century　　warrior；　and　carrying　hardly　less　metal　about　his　person　than　　a　Crusader　of　old。

There　are　a　number　of　haberdashery　shops　on　Broadway　that　have　　caused　me　to　waste　many　precious　minutes　gazing　into　their　　windows　and　wondering　what　the　strange　instruments　of　steel　　and　elastic　could　be；　that　were　exhibited　alongside　of　the　　socks　and　ties。　　The　uses　of　these　would；　in　all　probability；　　have　remained　wrapped　in　mystery　but　for　the　experience　of　one　　fateful　morning　（after　a　night　in　a　sleeping…car）；　when　　countless　hidden　things　were　made　clear；　as　I　sat；　an　awe…　struck　witness　to　my　fellow…passengers'　…　toilets？　…　No！　　　Getting　their　machinery　into　running　order　for　the　day；　would　　be　a　more　correct　expression。

Originally；　〃tags〃　were　the　backbone　of　the　toilet；　different　　garments　being　held　together　by　their　aid。　　Later；　buttons　and　　attendant　button…holes　were　evolved；　now　replaced　by　the　　devices　used　in　composing　the　machine…made　man。　　As　far　as　I　　could　see　（I　have　overcome　a　natural　delicacy　in　making　my　　discoveries　public；　because　it　seems　unfair　to　keep　all　this　　information　to　myself）；　nothing　so　archaic　as　a　button…hole　is　　employed　at　the　present　time　by　our　patent…ridden　compatriots。　　　The　shirt；　for　instance；　which　was　formerly　such　a　simple…　minded　and　straightforward　garment；　knowing　no　guile；　has　　become；　in　the　hands　of　the　inventors；　a　mere　pretence；　a　　frail　scaffold；　on　which　an　elaborate　superstructure　of　shams　　is　erected。

The　varieties　of　this　garment　that　one　sees　in　the　shop　　windows；　exposing　virgin　bosoms　to　the　day；　are　not　what　they　　seem！　　Those　very　bosoms　are　fakes；　and　cannot　open；　being　　instead　pierced　by　eyelets；　into　which　bogus　studs　are　fixed　　by　machinery。　　The　owner　is　obliged　to　enter　into　those　　deceptive　garments　surreptitiously　from　the　rear；　by　　stratagem；　as　it　were。　　Why　all　this　trouble；　one　asks；　for　no　　apparent　reason；　except　that　old…fashioned　shirts　opened　in　　front；　and　no　Yankee　will　wear　a　non…patented　garment　…　if　he　　can　help　it？

There　was　not　a　single　accessory　to　the　toilet　in　that　car　　which　behaved　in　a　normal　way。　　Buttons　mostly　backed　into　　place；　tail…end　foremost　（like　horses　getting　between　shafts）；　　where　some　hidden　mechanism　screwed　or　clinched　them　to　their　　moorings。

Collars　and　cuffs　（integral　parts　of　the　primitive　garment）　　are　now　a　labyrinth；　in　which　all　but　the　initiated　must　lose　　themselves；　being　double…decked；　detachable；　reversible；　and　　made　of　every　known　substance　except　linen。　　The　cuff　most　in　　favor　can　be　worn　four　different　ways；　and　is　attached　to　the　　shirt　by　a　steel　instrument　three　inches　long；　with　a　nipper　　at　each　end。　　The　amount　of　white　visible　below　the　coat…　sleeve　is　regulated　by　another　contrivance；　mostly　of　elastic；　　worn　further　up　the　arm；　around　the　biceps。　　Modern　collars　　are　retained　in　position　by　a　system　of　screws　and　levers。　　　Socks　are　attached　no　longer　with　the　old…fashioned　garter；　　but　by　aid　of　a　little　harness　similar　to　that　worn　by　pug…　dogs。

One　traveller；　after　lacing　his　shoes；　adjusted　a　contrivance　　resembling　a　black　beetle　on　the　knot　to　prevent　its　untying。　　　He　also　wore　〃hygienic　suspenders；〃　a　discovery　of　great　　importance　（over　three　thousand　patents　have　been　taken　out　　for　this　one　necessity　of　the　toilet！）。　　This　brace　performs　　several　tasks　at　the　same　time；　such　as　holding　unmentionable　　garments　in　place；　keeping　the　wearer　erect；　and　providing　a　　night…key　guard。　　It　is　also　said　to　cure　liver　and　kidney　　disease　by　means　of　an　arrangement　of　pulleys　which　throw　the　　strain　according　to　the　wearer's　position　…　I　omit　the　rest　of　　its　qualities！

The　watches　of　my　companions；　I　noticed　with　astonishment；　all　　wore　India…rubber　ruffs　around　their　necks。　　Here　curiosity　　getting　the　better　of　discretion；　I　asked　what　purpose　that　　invention　served。　　It　was　graciously　explained　to　me　how　such　　ruffs　prevented　theft。　　They　were　so　made　that　it　was　　impossible　to　draw　your　watch　out　of　a　pocket　unless　you　knew　　the　trick；　which　struck　me　as　a　mitigated　blessing。　　In　fact；　　the　idea　kept　occurring　that　life　might　become　terribly　　uncomfortable　under　these　complex　conditions　for　absent…minded　　people。

Pencils；　I　find；　are　no　longer　put　into　pockets　or　slipped　　behind　the　ear。　　Every　commercial　〃gent〃　wears　a　patent　on　his　　chest；　where　his　pen　and　pencil　nestle　in　a　coil　of　wire。　　　Eyeglasses　are　not　allowed　to　dangle　aimlessly　about；　as　of　　old；　but　retire　with　a　snap　into　an　oval　box；　after　the　　fashion　of　roller　shades。　　Scarf…pins　have　guards　screwed　on　　from　behind；　and　undergarments　…　but　here　modesty　stops　my　　pen。

Seeing　that　I　was　interested　in　their　make…up；　several　　travelling　agents　on　the　train　got　out　their　boxes　and　showed　　me　the　latest　artifices　that　could　be　attached　to　the　person。　　　One　gentleman　produced　a　collection　of　rings　made　to　go　on　the　　finger　with　a　spring；　like　bracelets；　an　arrangement；　he　　explained；　that　was　particularly　convenient　for　people　　afflicted　with　enlarged　joints！

Another　tempted　me　with　what　he　called　a　〃literary　shirt　　front；〃　…　it　was　in　fact　a　paper　pad；　from　which　for　　cleanliness　a　leaf　could　be　peeled　each　morning；　the　〃wrong〃　　side　of　the　sheet　thus　removed　contained　a　calendar；　much　　useful　information；　and　the　chapters　of　a　〃continued〃　story；　　which　ended　when　the　〃dickey〃　was　used　up。

A　third　traveller　was　〃pushing〃　a　collar…button　that　plied　as　　many　trades　as　Figaro；　combining　the　functions　of　cravat…　holder；　stud；　and　scarf…pin。　　Not　being　successful　in　selling　　me　one　of　these；　he　brought　forward　something　〃without　which；〃　　he　assured　me；　〃no　gentleman's　wardrobe　was　complete〃！　　It　　proved　to　be　an　insidious　arrangement　of　gilt　wire；　which　he　　adjusted　on　his　poor；　overworked　collar…button；　and　then　tied　　his　cravat　through　and　around　it。　　〃No　tie　thus　made；〃　he　　said；　〃would　ever　slip　or　get　crooked。〃　　He　had　been　so　civil　　that　it　was　embarrassing　not　to　buy　something　of　him；　I　　invested　twenty…five　cents　in　the　cravat…holder；　as　it　seemed　　the　least　complicated　of　the　patents　on　exhibition；　not；　　however；　having　graduated　in　a　school　of　mechanics　I　have　　never　been　able　to　make　it　work。　　It　takes　an　hour　to　tie　a　　cravat　with　its　aid；　and　as　long　to　get　it　untied。　　Most　of　　the　men　in　that　car；　I　found；　got　around　the　difficulty　by　　wearing　ready…made　ties　which　fastened　behind　with　a　clasp。

It　has　been　suggested　that　the　reason　our　compatriots　have　　such　a　strained　and　anxious　look　is　because　they　are　all　　trying　to　remember　the　numbers　of　their　streets　and　houses；　　the　floor　their　office　is　on；　and　the　combination　of　their　　safes。　　I　am　inclined　to　think　that　the　hunted　look　we　wear　　comes　from　an　awful　fear　of　forgetting　the　secrets　of　our　　patents　and　being　unable　to　undo　ourselves　in　an　emergency！

Think　for　a　moment　of　the　horror　of　coming　home　tired　and　　sleepy　after　a　convivial　evening；　and　finding　that　some　of　　your　hidden　machinery　had　gone　wrong；　that　by　a　sudden　　movement　you　had　disturbed　the　nice　balance　of　some　lever　　which　in　revenge　refused　to　release　its　prey！　　The　inventors　　of　one　well…known　cuff…holder　claim　that　it　had　a　〃bull…dog　　grip。〃　　Think　of　sitting　dressed　all　night　in　the　embrace　of　　that　mechanical　canine　until　the　inventor　could　be　called　in　　to　set　you　free！

I　never　doubted　that　bravery　was　the　leading　characteristic　of　　the　American　temperament；　since　that　glimpse　into　the　secret　　composition　of　my　compatriots；　admiration　has　been　vastly　　increased。　　The　foolhardy　daring　it　must　require　…　dressed　as　　those　men　were　…　to　go　out　in　a　thunder…storm　makes　one　　shudder：　it　certainly　could　not　be　found　in　any　other　race。　　　The　danger　of　cross…country　hunting　or　bull…fighting　is　as　　nothing　compared　to　the　risk　a　modern　American　takes　when　he　　sits　in　a　trolley…car；　where　the　chances　of　his　machinery　　forming　a　fatal　〃short　circuit〃　must　be　immense。　　The　utter　　impossibility　in　which　he　finds　himself　of　making　a　toilet　　quickly　on　account　of　so　many　time…saving　accessories　must　　increase　his　chances　of　getting　〃left〃　in　an　accident　about　　fifty　per　cent。　　Who　but　one　of　our　people　could　contemplate　　with　equanimity　the　thought　of　attempting　the　adjustment　of　　such　delicate　and　difficult　combinations　while　a　steamer　was　　sinking　and　the　life…boats　being　manned？

Our　grandfathers　contributed　the　wooden　nutmeg　to　　civilization；　and　endowed　a　grateful　universe　with　other　　money…saving　devices。　　To…day　the　inventor　takes　the　American　　baby　from　his　cradle　and　does　not　release　him　even　at　the　　grave。　　What　a　treat　one　of　the　machine…made　men　of　to…day　　will　be　to　the　archeologists　of　the　year　3000；　when　they　　chance　upon　a　well…preserved　specimen；　with　all　his　patents　　thick　upon　I　him！　　With　a　prophetic　eye　one　can　almost　see　the　　kindly　old　gentleman　of　that　day　studying　the　paraphernalia　　found　in　the　tomb　and　attempting　to　account　for　the　different　　pieces。　　Ink　will　flow　and　discussions　rage　between　the　camp　　maintaining　that　cuff…holders　were　tutelar　deities　buried　with　　the　dead　by　pious　relatives　and　the　croup　asserting　that　the　　little　pieces　of　steel　were　a　form　of　pocket　money　in　the　year　　1900。　　Both　will　probably　misquote　Tennyson　and　Kipling　in　　support　of　their　theories。

The　question　has　often　been　raised；　What　side　of　our　　nineteenth…century　civilization　will　be　most　admired　by　future　　generations？　　In　view　of　the　above　facts　there　can　remain　　little　doubt　that　when　the　secrets　of　the　paper　collar　and　the　　trouser…stretcher　have　become　lost　arts；　it　will　be　those　　benefits　that　remote　ages　will　envy　us；　and　rare　specimens　of　　〃ventilated　shoes〃　and　〃reversible　tissue…paper　undergarments〃　　will　form　the　choicest　treasures　of　the　collector。




Chapter　5　…　Parnassus


MANY　years　ago；　a　gentleman　with　whom　I　was　driving　in　a　　distant　quarter　of　Paris　took　me　to　a　house　on　the　rue　　Montparnasse；　where　we　remained　an　hour　or　more；　he　chatting　　with　its　owner；　and　I　listening　to　their　conversation；　and　　wondering　at　the　confusion　of　books　in　the　big　room。　　As　we　　drove　away；　my　companion　turned　to　me　and　said；　〃Don't　forget　　this　afternoon。　　You　have　seen　one　of　the　greatest　writers　our　　century　has　produced；　although　the　world　does　not　yet　realize　　it。　　You　will　learn　to　love　his　works　when　you　are　older；　and　　it　will　be　a　satisfaction　to　remember　that　you