the ways of men-第8章

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ep　poor；　defenceless　　Mrs。　Mouse　out　of　young　Tom　Cat's　claws。

It　is　useless　to　enumerate　instances；　people　have　suffered　too　　severely　at　the　hands　of　careless　and　incompetent　hosts　not　to　　know　pretty　well　what　the　title　of　this　paper　means。　　So　many　　of　us　have　come　away　from　fruitless　evenings；　grinding　our　　teeth；　and　vowing　never　to　enter　those　doors　again　while　life　　lasts；　that　the　time　seems　ripe　for　a　protest。

If　the　color…blind　would　only　refrain　from　painting；　and　the　　tone…deaf　not　insist　on　inviting　one　to　their　concerts；　the　　world　would　be　a　much　more　agreeable　place。　　If　people　would　　only　learn　what　they　can　and　what　they　can't　do；　and　leave　the　　latter　feats　alone；　a　vast　amount　of　unnecessary　annoyance　　would　be　avoided　and　the　tiresome　old　grindstone　turn　to　a　　more　cheerful　tune。




Chapter　8　…　Idling　in　Mid…Ocean


TO　those　fortunate　mortals　from　whom　Poseidon　exacts　no　　tribute　in　crossing　his　broad　domain；　a　transatlantic　voyage　　must　afford　each　year　an　ever　new　delight。　　The　cares　and　　worries　of　existence　fade　away　and　disappear　in　company　with　　the　land；　in　the　deep　bosom　of　the　ocean　buried。　　One　no　　longer　feels　like　the　bored　mortal　who　has　all　winter　turned　　the　millstone　of　work　and　pleasure；　but　seems　to　have　　transmigrated　into　a　new　body；　endowed　with　a　ravenous　　appetite　and　perfectly　fresh　sensations。

Perhaps　it　is　only　the　novelty　of　the　surroundings；　but　as　I　　lie　somnolent　in　my　chair；　tucked　into　a　corner　of　the　white　　deck；　watching　the　jade…colored　water　rush　past　below；　and　the　　sea…gulls　circle　gayly　overhead；　the　SUMMUM　BONUM　of　earthly　　contentment　seems　attained。　　The　book　chosen　with　care　remains　　uncut；　the　sense　of　physical　and　mental　rest　is　too　exquisite　　to　be　broken　by　any　effort；　even　the　reading　of　a　favorite　　author。

Drowsy　lapses　into　unconsciousness　obscure　the　senses；　like　　the　transparent　clouds　that　from　time　to　time　dim　the　　sunlight。　　A　distant　bell　in　the　wheel…house　chimes　the　lazy　　half…hours。　　Groups　of　people　come　and　go　like　figures　on　a　　lantern…slide。　　A　curiously　detached　reeling　makes　the　scene　　and　the　actors　in　it　as　unreal　as　a　painted　ship　manned　by　a　　shadowy　crew。　　The　inevitable　child　tumbles　on　its　face　and　is　　picked　up　shrieking　by　tender　parents；　energetic　youths　　organize　games　of　skill　or　discover　whales　on　the　horizon；　　without　disturbing　one's　philosophic　calm。

I　congratulate　myself　on　having　chosen　a　foreign　line。　　For　a　　week　at　least　no　familiar　name　will　be　spoken；　no　accustomed　　face　appear。　　The　galling　harness　of　routine　is　loosened；　one　　breathes　freely　again　conscious　of　the　unoccupied　hours　in　　perspective。

The　welcome　summons　to　luncheon　comes　as　a　pleasant　shock。　　Is　　it　possible　that　the　morning　has　passed？　　It　seems　to　have　but　　commenced。　　I　rouse　myself　and　descend　to　the　cabin。　　Toward　　the　end　of　the　meal　a　rubicund　Frenchman　opposite　makes　the　　startling　proposition　that　if　I　wish　to　send　a　message　home　he　　will　undertake　to　have　it　delivered。　　It　is　not　until　I　notice　　the　little　square　of　oiled　paper　he　is　holding　out　to　me　that　　I　understand　this　reference　to　the　〃pigeon　post〃　with　which　　the　Compagnie　Transatlantique　is　experimenting。　　At　the　　invitation　of　this　new　acquaintance　I　ascend　to　the　upper　deck　　and　watch　his　birds　depart。

The　tiny　bits　of　paper　on　which　we　have　written　（post…card　　fashion）　message　and　address　are　rolled　two　or　three　together；　　and　inserted　into　a　piece　of　quill　less　than　two　inches　long；　　which；　however；　they　do　not　entirely　fill。　　While　a　pigeon　is　　held　by　one　man；　another　pushes　one　of　the　bird's　tail…　feathers　well　through　the　quill；　which　is　then　fastened　in　its　　place　by　two　minute　wooden　wedges。　　A　moment　later　the　pigeon　　is　tossed　up　into　the　air；　and　we　witness　the　working　of　that　　mysterious　instinct　which　all　our　modern　science　leaves　　unexplained。　　After　a　turn　or　two　far　up　in　the　clear　sky；　the　　bird　gets　its　bearings　and　darts　off　on　its　five…hundred…mile　　journey　across　unknown　seas　to　an　unseen　land　…　a　voyage　that　　no　deviation　or　loitering　will　lengthen；　and　only　fatigue　or　　accident　interrupt；　until　he　alights　at　his　cote。

Five　of　these　willing　messengers　were　started　the　first　day　　out；　and　five　more　will　leave　to…morrow；　poor　little　aerial　　postmen；　almost　predestined　to　destruction　（in　the　latter　　case）；　for　we　shall　then　be　so　far　from　land　that　their　one　　chance　of　life　and　home　must　depend　on　finding　some　friendly　　mast　where　an　hour's　rest　may　be　taken　before　the　bird　starts　　again　on　his　journey。

In　two　or　three　days；　according　to　the　weather；　we　shall　begin　　sending　French　pigeons　on　ahead　of　us　toward　Havre。　　The　　gentleman　in　charge　of　them　tells　me　that　his　wife　received　　all　the　messages　he　sent　to　her　during　his　westward　trip；　the　　birds　appearing　each　morning　at　her　window　（where　she　was　in　　the　habit　feeding　them）　with　their　tidings　from　mid…ocean。　　He　　also　tells　me　that　the　French　fleet　in　the　Mediterranean　　recently　received　messages　from　their　comrades　in　the　Baltic　　on　the　third　day　by　these　feathered　envoys。

It　is　hoped　that　in　future　ocean　steamers　will　be　able　to　keep　　up　communication　with　the　land　at　least　four　out　of　the　seven　　days　of　their　trips；　so　that；　in　case　of　delay　or　accident；　　their　exact　position　and　circumstances　can　be　made　known　at　　headquarters。　　It　is　a　pity；　the　originator　of　the　scheme　　remarked；　that　sea…gulls　are　such　hopeless　vagabonds；　for　they　　can　fly　much　greater　distances　than　pigeons；　and　are　not　　affected　by　dampness；　which　seriously　cripples　the　present　　messengers。

Later　in　the　day　a　compatriot；　inspired　doubtless　by　the　　morning's　experiment；　confided　to　me　that　he　had　hit　on　〃a　　great　scheme；〃　which　he　intends　to　develop　on　arriving。　　His　　idea　is　to　domesticate　families　of　porpoises　at　Havre　and　New　　York；　as　that　fish　passes　for　having　（like　the　pigeon）　the　　homing　instinct。　　Ships　provided　with　the　parent　fish　can　free　　one　every　twenty…four　hours；　charged　with　the　morning's　mail。　　　The　inventor　of　this　luminous　idea　has　already　designed　the　　letter…boxes　that　are　to　be　strapped　on　the　fishes'　backs；　and　　decided　on　a　neat　uniform　for　his　postmen。

It　is　amusing　during　the　first　days　〃out〃　to　watch　the　people　　whom　chance　has　thrown　together　into　such　close　quarters。　　The　　occult　power　that　impels　a　pigeon　to　seek　its　kind　is　feeble　　in　comparison　with　the　faculty　that　travellers　develop　under　　these　circumstances　for　seeking　out　congenial　spirits。　　Twelve　　hours　do　not　pass　before　affinities　draw　together；　what　was　　apparently　a　homogeneous　mass　has　by　that　time　grouped　and　　arranged　itself　into　three　or　four　distinct　circles。

The　〃sporty〃　gentlemen　in　loud　clothes　have　united　in　the　　bonds　of　friendship　with　the　travelling　agents　and　have　chosen　　the　smoking…room　as　their　headquarters。　　No　mellow　sunset　or　　serene　moonlight　will　tempt　these　comrades　from　the　subtleties　　of　poker；　the　pool　on　the　run　is　the　event　of　their　day。

A　portly　prima　donna　is　the　centre　of　another　circle。　　Her　　wraps；　her　dogs；　her　admirers；　and　her　brand…new　husband　（a　　handsome　young　Hungarian　with　a　voice　like　two　Bacian　bulls）　　fill　the　sitting…room；　where　the　piano　gets　but　little　rest。　　　Neither　sunshine　nor　soft　winds　can　draw　them　to　the　deck。　　　Although　too　ill　for　the　regular　meals；　this　group　eat　and　　drink　during　fifteen　out　of　the　twenty…four　hours。

The　deck；　however；　is　not　deserted；　two　fashionable　　dressmakers　revel　there。　　These　sociable　ladies　asked　the　　COMMISSAIRE　at　the　start　〃to　introduce　all　the　young　unmarried　　men　to　them；〃　as　they　wanted　to　be　jolly。　　They　have　a　　numerous　court　around　them；　and　champagne；　like　the　　conversation；　flows　freely。　　These　ladies　have　already　become　　expert　at　shuffleboard；　but　their　〃sea　legs〃　are　not　so　good　　as　might　be　expected；　and　the　dames　require　to　be　caught　and　　supported　by　their　admirers　at　each　moment　to　prevent　them　　from　tripping　…　an　immense　joke；　to　judge　by　the　peals　of　　laughter　that　follow。

The　American　wife　of　a　French　ambassador　sits　on　the　captain's　　right。　　A　turn　of　the　diplomatic　wheel　is　taking　the　lady　to　　Madrid；　where　her　position　will　call　for　supreme　tact　and　　self…restraint。　　One　feels　a　thrill　of　national　pride　on　　looking　at　her　high…bred　young　face　and　listening　as　she　chats　　in　French　and　Spanish；　and　wonders　once　more　at　the　marvellous　　faculty　our　women　have　of　adapting　themselves　so　graciously　　and　so　naturally　to　difficult　positions；　which　the　women　of　　other　nations　rarely　fill　well　unless　born　to　the　purple。　　It　　is　the　high　opinion　I　have　of　my　countrywomen　that　has　made　me　　cavil；　before　now；　on　seeing　them　turned　into　elaborately　　dressed　nullities　by　foolish　and　too　adoring　husbands。

The　voyage　is　wearing　itself　away。　　Sunny　days　are　succeeded　　by　gray　mornings；　as　exquisite　in　their　way；　when　one　can　feel　　the　ship　fight　against　contending　wind　and　wave；　and　shiver　　under　the　blows　received　in　a　struggle　which　dashes　the　salt　　spray　high　over　the　decks。　　There　is　an　aroma　in　the　air　then　　that　breathes　new　life　into　jaded　nerves；　and　stirs　the　drop　　of　old　Norse　blood；　dormant　in　most　American　veins；　into　　quivering　ecstasy。　　One　dreams　of　throwing　off　the　trammels　of　　civilized　existence　and　returning　to　the　free　life　of　older　　days。

But　here　is　Havre　glittering　in　the　distance　against　her　　background　of　chalk　cliffs。　　People　come　on　deck　in　strangely　　conventional　clothes　and　with　demure　citified　airs。　　　Passengers　of　whose　existence　you　were　unaware　suddenly　make　　their　appearance。　　Two　friends　meet　near　me　for　the　first　　time。　　〃Hallo；　Jones！〃　says　one　of　them；　〃are　you　crossing？〃

〃Yes；〃　answers　Jones；　〃are　you？〃

The　company's　tug　has　come　alongside　by　this　time；　bringing　　its　budget　of　letters　and　telegrams。　　The　brief　holiday　is　　over。　　With　a　sigh　one　comes　back　to　the　positive　and　the　　present；　and　patiently　resumes　the　harness　of　life。




Chapter　9　…　〃Climbers〃　in　England


THE　expression　〃Little　Englander；〃　much　used　of　late　to　　designate　an　inhabitant　of　the　Mother　Isle　in　contra…　distinction　to　other　subjects　of　Her　Majesty；　expresses　neatly　　the　feeling　of　our　insular　cousins　not　only　as　regards　　ourselves；　but　also　the　position　affected　toward　their　　colonial　brothers　and　sisters。

Have　you　ever　noticed　that　in　every　circle　there　is　some　　individual　assuming　to　do　things　better　than　his　comrades　…　to　　know　more；　dress　better；　run　faster；　pronounce　more　correctly？　　　Who；　unless　promptly　suppressed；　will　turn　the　conversation　　into　a　monologue　relating　to　his　own　exploits　and　opinions。　　　To　differ　is　to　bring　down　his　contempt　upon　your　devoted　　head！　　To　argue　is　time　wasted！

Human　nature　is；　however；　so　constituted　that　a　man　of　this　　type　mostly　succeeds　in　hypnotizing　his　hearers　into　sharing　　his　estimate　of　himself；　and　impressing　upon　them　the　　conviction　that　he　is　a　rare　being　instead　of　a　commonplace　　mortal。　　He　is　not　a　bad　sort　of　person　at　bottom；　and　ready　　to　do　one　a　friendly　turn　…　if　it　does　not　entail　too　great　　inconvenience。　　In　short；　a　good　fellow；　whose　principal　　defect　is　the　profound　conviction　that　he　was　born　superior　to　　the　rest　of　mankind。

What　this　individual　is　to　his　environment；　Englishmen　are　to　　the　world　at　large