a hero of our time-第22章

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？　And　what　is　happiness？　　Satisfied　pride。　　Were　I　to　consider　myself　the　best；　the　most　powerful　man　in　the　world；　I　should　be　happy；　were　all　to　love　me；　I　should　find　within　me　inexhaustible　springs　of　love。　　Evil　begets　evil；　the　first　suffering　gives　us　the　conception　of　the　satis…　faction　of　torturing　another。　　The　idea　of　evil　cannot　enter　the　mind　without　arousing　a　desire　to　put　it　actually　into　practice。　　〃Ideas　are　organic　entities；〃　someone　has　said。　　The　very　fact　of　their　birth　endows　them　with　form；　and　that　form　is　action。　　He　in　whose　brain　the　most　ideas　are　born　accomplishes　the　most。　　From　that　cause　a　genius；　chained　to　an　official　desk；　must　die　or　go　mad；　just　as　it　often　happens　that　a　man　of　powerful　constitution；　and　at　the　same　time　of　sedentary　life　and　simple　habits；　dies　of　an　apoplectic　stroke。

Passions　are　naught　but　ideas　in　their　first　development；　they　are　an　attribute　of　the　youth　of　the　heart；　and　foolish　is　he　who　thinks　that　he　will　be　agitated　by　them　all　his　life。　　Many　quiet　rivers　begin　their　course　as　noisy　waterfalls；　and　there　is　not　a　single　stream　which　will　leap　or　foam　throughout　its　way　to　the　sea。　　That　quiet…　ness；　however；　is　frequently　the　sign　of　great；　though　latent；　strength。　　The　fulness　and　depth　of　feelings　and　thoughts　do　not　admit　of　frenzied　outbursts。　　In　suffering　and　in　enjoyment　the　soul　renders　itself　a　strict　account　of　all　it　experiences　and　convinces　itself　that　such　things　must　be。　　It　knows　that；　but　for　storms；　the　constant　heat　of　the　sun　would　dry　it　up！　　It　imbues　itself　with　its　own　life　　pets　and　punishes　itself　like　a　favourite　child。　　It　is　only　in　that　highest　state　of　self…knowledge　that　a　man　can　appreciate　the　divine　justice。

On　reading　over　this　page；　I　observe　that　I　have　made　a　wide　digression　from　my　subject。　。　。　But　what　matter？　。　。　。　　You　see；　it　is　for　myself　that　I　am　writing　this　diary；　and；　consequently　anything　that　I　jot　down　in　it　will　in　time　be　a　valuable　reminiscence　for　me。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　　　　。　　　　　。　　　　　。　　　　　。

Grushnitski　has　called　to　see　me　to…day。　　He　flung　himself　upon　my　neck；　he　has　been　pro…　moted　to　be　an　officer。　　We　drank　champagne。　Doctor　Werner　came　in　after　him。

〃I　do　not　congratulate　you；〃　he　said　to　Grushnitski。

〃Why　not？〃

〃Because　the　soldier's　cloak　suits　you　very　well；　and　you　must　confess　that　an　infantry　uniform；　made　by　one　of　the　local　tailors；　will　not　add　anything　of　interest　to　you。　。　。　　Do　you　not　see？　　Hitherto；　you　have　been　an　exception；　but　now　you　will　come　under　the　general　rule。〃

〃Talk　away；　doctor；　talk　away！　　You　will　not　prevent　me　from　rejoicing。　　He　does　not　know；〃　added　Grushnitski　in　a　whisper　to　me；　〃how　many　hopes　these　epaulettes　have　lent　me。　。　。　Oh！　。　。　。　　Epaulettes；　epaulettes！　　Your　little　stars　are　guiding　stars！　　No！　　I　am　perfectly　happy　now！〃

〃Are　you　coming　with　us　on　our　walk　to　the　hollow？〃　I　asked　him。

〃I？　　Not　on　any　account　will　I　show　myself　to　Princess　Mary　until　my　uniform　is　finished。〃

〃Would　you　like　me　to　inform　her　of　your　happiness？〃

〃No；　please；　not　a　word。　。　。　　I　want　to　give　her　a　surprise〃　。　。　。

〃Tell　me；　though；　how　are　you　getting　on　with　her？〃

He　became　embarrassed；　and　fell　into　thought；　he　would　gladly　have　bragged　and　told　lies；　but　his　conscience　would　not　let　him；　and；　at　the　same　time；　he　was　ashamed　to　confess　the　truth。

〃What　do　you　think？　　Does　she　love　you？〃　。　。　。

〃Love　me？　　Good　gracious；　Pechorin；　what　ideas　you　do　have！　。　。　。　　How　could　she　possibly　love　me　so　soon？　。　。　。　　And　a　well…bred　woman；　even　if　she　is　in　love；　will　never　say　so〃　。　。　。

〃Very　well！　　And；　I　suppose；　in　your　opinion；　a　well…bred　man　should　also　keep　silence　in　regard　to　his　passion？〃　。　。　。

〃Ah；　my　dear　fellow！　　There　are　ways　of　doing　everything；　often　things　may　remain　unspoken；　but　yet　may　be　guessed〃　。　。　。

〃That　is　true。　。　。　　But　the　love　which　we　read　in　the　eyes　does　not　pledge　a　woman　to　any…　thing；　whilst　words。　。　。　　Have　a　care；　Grush…　nitski；　she　is　befooling　you！〃

〃She？〃　he　answered；　raising　his　eyes　heaven…　ward　and　smiling　complacently。　　〃I　am　sorry　for　you；　Pechorin！〃　。　。　。

He　took　his　departure。

In　the　evening；　a　numerous　company　set　off　to　walk　to　the　hollow。

In　the　opinion　of　the　learned　of　Pyatigorsk；　the　hollow　in　question　is　nothing　more　nor　less　than　an　extinct　crater。　　It　is　situated　on　a　slope　of　Mount　Mashuk；　at　the　distance　of　a　verst　from　the　town；　and　is　approached　by　a　narrow　path　between　brushwood　and　rocks。　　In　climbing　up　the　hill；　I　gave　Princess　Mary　my　arm；　and　she　did　not　leave　it　during　the　whole　excur…　sion。

Our　conversation　commenced　with　slander；　I　proceeded　to　pass　in　review　our　present　and　absent　acquaintances；　at　first　I　exposed　their　ridiculous；　and　then　their　bad；　sides。　　My　choler　rose。　　I　began　in　jest；　and　ended　in　genuine　malice。　　At　first　she　was　amused；　but　afterwards　frightened。

〃You　are　a　dangerous　man！〃　she　said。　　〃I　would　rather　perish　in　the　woods　under　the　knife　of　an　assassin　than　under　your　tongue。　。　。　　In　all　earnestness　I　beg　of　you：　when　it　comes　into　your　mind　to　speak　evil　of　me；　take　a　knife　instead　and　cut　my　throat。　　I　think　you　would　not　find　that　a　very　difficult　matter。〃

〃Am　I　like　an　assassin；　then？〃　。　。　。

〃You　are　worse〃　。　。　。

I　fell　into　thought　for　a　moment；　then；　assuming　a　deeply　moved　air；　I　said：

〃Yes；　such　has　been　my　lot　from　very　child…　hood！　　All　have　read　upon　my　countenance　the　marks　of　bad　qualities；　which　were　not　existent；　but　they　were　assumed　to　exist　　and　they　were　born。　　I　was　modest　　I　was　accused　of　slyness：　I　grew　secretive。　　I　profoundly　felt　both　good　and　evil　　no　one　caressed　me；　all　insulted　me：　I　grew　vindictive。　　I　was　gloomy　　other　children　merry　and　talkative；　I　felt　myself　higher　than　they　　I　was　rated　lower：　I　grew　envious。　　I　was　prepared　to　love　the　whole　world　　no　one　understood　me：　I　learned　to　hate。　　My　colour…　less　youth　flowed　by　in　conflict　with　myself　and　the　world；　fearing　ridicule；　I　buried　my　best　feelings　in　the　depths　of　my　heart；　and　there　they　died。　　I　spoke　the　truth　　I　was　not　believed：　I　began　to　deceive。　　Having　acquired　a　thorough　knowledge　of　the　world　and　the　springs　of　society；　I　grew　skilled　in　the　science　of　life；　and　I　saw　how　others　without　skill　were　happy；　en…　joying　gratuitously　the　advantages　which　I　so　unweariedly　sought。　　Then　despair　was　born　within　my　breast　　not　that　despair　which　is　cured　at　the　muzzle　of　a　pistol；　but　the　cold；　powerless　despair　concealed　beneath　the　mask　of　amiability　and　a　good…natured　smile。　　I　became　a　moral　cripple。　　One　half　of　my　soul　ceased　to　exist；　it　dried　up；　evaporated；　died；　and　I　cut　it　off　and　cast　it　from　me。　　The　other　half　moved　and　lived　　at　the　service　of　all；　but　it　remained　un…　observed；　because　no　one　knew　that　the　half　which　had　perished　had　ever　existed。　　But；　now；　the　memory　of　it　has　been　awakened　within　me　by　you；　and　I　have　read　you　its　epitaph。　　To　many；　epitaphs　in　general　seem　ridiculous；　but　to　me　they　do　not；　especially　when　I　remember　what　reposes　beneath　them。　　I　will　not；　however；　ask　you　to　share　my　opinion。　　If　this　outburst　seems　absurd　to　you；　I　pray　you；　laugh！　　I　fore…　warn　you　that　your　laughter　will　not　cause　me　the　least　chagrin。〃

At　that　moment　I　met　her　eyes：　tears　were　welling　in　them。　　Her　arm；　as　it　leaned　upon　mine；　was　trembling；　her　cheeks　were　aflame；　she　pitied　me！　　Sympathy　　a　feeling　to　which　all　women　yield　so　easily；　had　dug　its　talons　into　her　inexperienced　heart。　　During　the　whole　excursion　she　was　preoccupied；　and　did　not　flirt　with　anyone　　and　that　is　a　great　sign！

We　arrived　at　the　hollow；　the　ladies　left　their　cavaliers；　but　she　did　not　let　go　my　arm。　　The　witticisms　of　the　local　dandies　failed　to　make　her　laugh；　the　steepness　of　the　declivity　beside　which　she　was　standing　caused　her　no　alarm；　although　the　other　ladies　uttered　shrill　cries　and　shut　their　eyes。

On　the　way　back；　I　did　not　renew　our　melan…　choly　conversation；　but　to　my　idle　questions　and　jests　she　gave　short　and　absent…minded　answers。

〃Have　you　ever　been　in　love？〃　I　asked　her　at　length。

She　looked　at　me　intently；　shook　her　head　and　again　fell　into　a　reverie。　　It　was　evident　that　she　was　wishing　to　say　something；　but　did　not　know　how　to　begin。　　Her　breast　heaved。　。　。　　And；　indeed；　that　was　but　natural！　　A　muslin　sleeve　is　a　weak　protection；　and　an　electric　spark　was　running　from　my　arm　to　hers。　　Almost　all　passions　have　their　beginning　in　that　way；　and　frequently　we　are　very　much　deceived　in　thinking　that　a　woman　loves　us　for　our　moral　and　physical　merits；　of　course；　these　prepare　and　predispose　the　heart　for　the　reception　of　the　holy　flame；　but　for　all　that　it　is　the　first　touch　that　decides　the　matter。

〃I　have　been　very　amiable　to…day；　have　I　not？〃　Princess　Mary　said　to　me；　with　a　forced　smile；　when　we　had　returned　from　the　walk。

We　separated。

She　is　dissatisfied　with　herself。　　She　accuses　herself　of　coldness。　。　。　　Oh；　that　is　the　first；　the　chief　triumph！

To…morrow；　she　will　be　feeling　a　desire　to　recompense　me。　　I　know　the　whole　proceeding　by　heart　already　　that　is　what　is　so　tiresome！



CHAPTER　IX

12th　June。

I　HAVE　seen　Vera　to…day。　　She　has　begun　to　plague　me　with　her　jealousy。　　Princess　Mary　has　taken　it　into　her　head；　it　seems；　to　confide　the　secrets　of　her　heart　to　Vera：　a　happy　choice；　it　must　be　confessed！

〃I　can　guess　what　all　this　is　leading　to；〃　said　Vera　to　me。　　〃You　had　better　simply　tell　me　at　once　that　you　are　in　love　with　her。〃

〃But　supposing　I　am　not　in　love　with　her？〃

〃Then　why　run　after　her；　disturb　her；　agitate　her　imagination！　。　。　。　　Oh；　I　know　you　well！　Listen　　if　you　wish　me　to　believe　you；　come　to　Kislovodsk　in　a　week's　time；　we　shall　be　moving　thither　the　day　after　to…morrow。　　Princess　Mary　will　remain　here　longer。　　Engage　lodgings　next　door　to　us。　　We　shall　be　living　in　the　large　house　near　the　spring；　on　the　mezzanine　floor。　　Princess　Ligovski　will　be　below　us；　and　next　door　there　is　a　house　belonging　to　the　same　landlord；　which　has　not　yet　been　taken。　。　。　　Will　you　come？〃　。　。　。

I　gave　my　promise；　and　this　very　same　day　I　have　sent　to　engage　the　lodgings。

Grushnitski　came　to　me　at　six　o'clock　and　announced　that　his　uniform　would　be　ready　to…morrow；　just　in　time　for　him　to　go　to　the　ball　in　it。

〃At　last　I　shall　dance　with　her　the　whole　evening　through。　。　。　　And　then　I　shall　talk　to　my　heart's　content；〃　he　added。

〃When　is　the　ball？〃

〃Why；　to…morrow！　　Do　you　not　know；　then？　A　great　festival　　and　the　local　authorities　have　undertaken　to　organize　it〃　。　。　。

〃Let　us　go　to　the　boulevard〃　。　。　。

〃Not　on　any　account；　in　this　nasty　cloak〃　。　。　。

〃What！　　Have　you　ceased　to　love　it？〃　。　。　。

I　went　out　alone；　and；　meeting　Princess　Mary　I　asked　her　to　keep　the　mazurka　for　me。　She　seemed　surprised　and　delighted。

〃I　thought　that　you　would　only　dance　from　necessity　as　on　the　last　occasion；〃　she　said；　with　a　very　charming　smile。　。　。

She　does　not　seem　to　notice　Grushnitski's　absence　at　all。

〃You　will　be　agreeably　surprised　to…morrow；〃　I　said　to　her。

〃At　what？〃

〃That　is　a　secret。　。　。　　You　will　find　it　out　yourself；　at　the　ball。〃

I　finished　up　the　evening　at　Princess　Ligovski's；　there　were　no　other　guests　present　except