the complete plays-第13章
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his place； whatever it may be； discharges all his functions； and
adopts all his responsibilities。
ERN。 This is all very well； as far as it goes； but it only
protects one of us。 What's to become of the survivor？
LUD。 Yes； that's an interesting point； because I might be
the survivor。
NOT。 The survivor goes at once to the Grand Duke； and； in
a
burst of remorse； denounces the dead man as the moving spirit of
the plot。 He is accepted as King's evidence； and； as a matter of
course； receives a free pardon。 To…morrow； when the law expires；
the dead man will； ipso facto； come to life againthe Revising
Barrister will restore his name to the list of voters； and he
will resume all his obligations as though nothing unusual had
happened。
JULIA。 When he will be at once arrested； tried； and
executed on the evidence of the informer！ Candidly； my friend； I
don't think much of your plot！
NOT。 Dear； dear； dear； the ignorance of the laity！ My
good
young lady； it is a beautiful maxim of our glorious Constitution
that a man can only die once。 Death expunges crime； and when he
comes to life again； it will be with a clean slate。
ERN。 It's really very ingenious。
LUD。 （to NOTARY）。 My dear sir； we owe you our lives！
LISA （aside to LUDWIG）。 May I kiss him？
LUD。 Certainly not： you're a big girl now。 （To ERNEST。）
Well； miscreant； are you prepared to meet me on the field of
honour？
ERN。 At once。 By Jove； what a couple of fire…eaters we
are！
LISA。 Ludwig doesn't know what fear is。
LUD。 Oh； I don't mind this sort of duel！
ERN。 It's not like a duel with swords。 I hate a duel with
swords。 It's not the blade I mindit's the blood。
LUD。 And I hate a duel with pistols。 It's not the ball I
mindit's the bang。
NOT。 Altogether it is a great improvement on the old
method
of giving satisfaction。
QUINTET。
LUDWIG； LISA； NOTARY； ERNEST； JULIA。
Strange the views some people hold！
Two young fellows quarrel
Then they fight； for both are bold
Rage of both is uncontrolled
Both are stretched out； stark and cold！
Prithee； where's the moral？
Ding dong！ Ding dong！
There's an end to further action；
And this barbarous transaction
Is described as 〃satisfaction〃！
Ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ satisfaction！
Ding dong！ Ding dong！
Each is laid in churchyard mould
Strange the views some people hold！
Better than the method old；
Which was coarse and cruel；
Is the plan that we've extolled。
Sing thy virtues manifold
（Better than refined gold）；
Statutory Duel！
Sing song！ Sing song！
Sword or pistol neither uses
Playing card he lightly chooses；
And the loser simply loses！
Ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ simply loses。
Sing song！ Sing song！
Some prefer the churchyard mould！
Strange the views some people hold！
NOT。 （offering a card to ERNEST）。
Now take a card and gaily sing
How little you care for Fortune's rubs
ERN。 （drawing a card）。
Hurrah； hurrah！I've drawn a King：
ALL。 He's drawn a King！
He's drawn a King！
Sing Hearts and Diamonds； Spades and Clubs！
ALL （dancing）。 He's drawn a King！
How strange a thing！
An excellent cardhis chance it aids
Sing Hearts and Diamonds； Spades and Clubs
Sing Diamonds； Hearts and Clubs and Spades！
NOT。 （to LUDWIG）。
Now take a card with heart of grace
（Whatever our fate； let's play our parts）。
LUD。 （drawing card）。
Hurrah； hurrah！I've drawn an Ace！
ALL。 He's drawn an Ace！
He's drawn an Ace！
Sing Clubs and Diamonds； Spades and Hearts！
ALL （dancing）。
He's drawn an Ace！
Observe his face
Such very good fortune falls to few
Sing Clubs and Diamonds； Spades and Hearts
Sing Clubs； Spades； Hearts and Diamonds too！
NOT。 That both these maids may keep their troth；
And never misfortune them befall；
I'll hold 'em as trustee for both
ALL。 He'll hold 'em both！
He'll hold 'em both！
Sing Hearts； Clubs； Diamonds； Spades and all！
ALL （dancing）。 By joint decree
As ｛our/your｝ trustee
This Notary ｛we/you｝ will now instal
In custody let him keep ｛their/our｝ hearts；
Sing Hearts； Clubs； Diamonds； Spades and all！
＇Dance and exeunt LUDWIG； ERNEST； and
NOTARY with the two Girls。
March。 Enter the seven Chamberlains of the
GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH。
CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINS。
The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig；
Though； in his own opinion； very very big；
In point of fact he's nothing but a miserable prig
Is the good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig！
Though quite contemptible； as every one agrees；
We must dissemble if we want our bread and cheese；
So hail him in a chorus； with enthusiasm big；
The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig！
Enter the GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH。 He is meanly and miserably dressed
in old and patched clothes； but blazes with a profusion of
orders and decorations。 He is very weak and ill； from low
living。
SONGRUDOLPH。
A pattern to professors of monarchical autonomy；
I don't indulge in levity or compromising bonhomie；
But dignified formality； consistent with economy；
Above all other virtues I particularly prize。
I never join in merrimentI don't see joke or jape any
I never tolerate familiarity in shape any
This； joined with an extravagant respect for
tuppence…ha'penny；
A keynote to my character sufficiently supplies。
（Speaking。） Observe。 （To Chamberlains。） My snuff…box！
（The snuff…box is passed with much ceremony from the Junior
Chamberlain； through all the others； until it is presented
by the Senior Chamberlain to RUDOLPH； who uses it。）
That incident a keynote to my character supplies。
RUD。 I weigh out tea and sugar with precision mathematical
Instead of beer； a penny eachmy orders are emphatical
（Extravagance unpardonable； any more than that I call）；
But； on the other hand； my Ducal dignity to keep
All Courtly ceremonialto put it comprehensively
I rigidly insist upon （but not； I hope； offensively）
Whenever ceremonial can be practised inexpensively
And； when you come to think of it； it's really very
cheap！
（Speaking。） Observe。 （To Chamberlains。） My handkerchief！
（Handkerchief is handed by Junior Chamberlain to the next in
order； and so on until it reaches RUDOLPH； who is much
inconvenienced by the delay。）
It's sometimes inconvenient； but it's always very cheap！
RUD。 My Lord Chamberlain； as you are aware； my marriage
with the wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt will take place
to…morrow； and you will be good enough to see that the rejoicings
are on a scale of unusual liberality。 Pass that on。 （Chamberlain
whispers to Vice…Chamberlain； who whispers to the next； and so
on。） The sports will begin with a Wedding Breakfast Bee。 The
leading pastry…cooks of the town will be invited to compete； and
the winner will not only enjoy the satisfaction of seeing his
breakfast devoured by the Grand Ducal pair； but he will also be
entitled to have the Arms of Pfennig Halbpfennig tattoo'd between
his shoulder…blades。 The Vice…Chamberlain will see to this。 All
the public fountains of Speisesaal will run with Gingerbierheim
and Currantweinmilch at the public expense。 The Assistant
Vice…Chamberlain will see to this。 At night； everybody will
illuminate； and as I have no desire to tax the public funds
unduly； this will be done at the inhabitants' private expense。
The Deputy Assistant Vice…Chamberlain will see to this。 All my
Grand Ducal subjects will wear new clothes； and the Sub…Deputy
Assistant Vice…Chamberlain will collect the usual commission on
all sales。 Wedding presents （which； on this occasion； should be
on a scale of extraordinary magnificence） will be received at the
Palace at any hour of the twenty…four； and the Temporary
Sub…Deputy Assistant Vice…Chamberlain will sit up all night for
this purpose。 The entire population will be commanded to enjoy
themselves； and with this view the Acting Temporary Sub…Deputy
Assistant Vice…Chamberlain will sing comic songs in the
Market…place from noon to nightfall。 Finally； we have composed a
Wedding Anthem； with which the entire population are required to
provide themselves。 It can be obtained from our Grand Ducal
publishers at the usual discount price； and all the Chamberlains
will be expected to push the sale。 （Chamberlains bow and
exeunt）。 I don't feel at all comfortable。 I hope I'm not doing
a foolish thing in getting married。 After all； it's a poor heart
that never rejoices； and this wedding of mine is the first little
treat I've allowed myself since my christening。 Besides；
Caroline's income is very considerable； and as her ideas of
economy are quite on a par with mine； it ought to turn out well。
Bless her tough old heart； she's a mean little darling！ Oh； here
she is； punctual to her appointment！
Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT。
BAR。 Rudolph！ Why； what's the matter？
RUD。 Why； I'm not quite myself； my pet。 I'm a little
worried and upset。 I want a tonic。 It's the low diet； I think。
I am afraid； after all； I shall have to take the bull by the
horns and have an egg with my breakfast。
BAR。 I shouldn't do anything rash； dear。 Begin with a
jujube。 （Gives him one。）
RUD。 （about to eat it； but changes his mind）。 I'll keep it
for supper。 （He sits by her and tries to put his arm round her
waist。）
BAR。 Rudolph； don't！ What in the world are you thinking
of？
RUD。 I was thinking of embracing you； my sugarplum。 Just
as a little cheap treat。
BAR。 What； here？ In public？ Really； you appear to have
no
sense of delicacy。
RUD。 No sense of delicacy； Bon…bon！
BAR。 No。 I can't make you out。 When you courted me； all
your courting was done publicly in the Marketplace。 When you
proposed to me； you proposed in the Market…place。 And now that
we're engaged you seem to desire that our first tte…
occur in the Marketplace！ Surely you've a room in your
Palacewith blindsthat would do？
RUD。 But；
