the complete plays-第17章
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And when I come to codify； their rules I mean to modify；
Or Mrs。 Grundy； p'r'aps； may have a word or two to say。
For they hadn't macintoshes or umbrellas or goloshes
And a shower with their dresses must have played the very
deuce；
And it must have been unpleasing when they caught a fit of
sneezing；
For； it seems； of pocket…handkerchiefs they didn't know the
use。
They wore little underclothingscarcely anythingor nothing
And their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent in
design
Well； in fact； in summer weather； something like the 〃altogether〃
And it's there； I rather fancy； I shall have to draw the
line！
（Confidentially to audience。）
And again I wish to mention
That this erudition sham
Is but classical pretension；
The result of steady 〃cram。〃
Yet my classic lore aggressive
（If you'll pardon the possessive）
Is exceedingly impressive
When you're passing an exam。
CHORUS。 Yet his classic lore； etc。
＇Exeunt Chorus。 Manent LUDWIG； JULIA； and LISA。
LUD。 （recit。）。
Yes； Ludwig and his Julia are mated！
For when an obscure comedian； whom the law backs；
To sovereign rank is promptly elevated；
He takes it with its incidental drawbacks！
So Julia and I are duly mated！
（LISA； through this； has expressed intense distress at
having to surrender LUDWIG。）
SONGLISA。
Take care of himhe's much too good to live；
With him you must be very gentle：
Poor fellow； he's so highly sensitive；
And O； so sentimental！
Be sure you never let him sit up late
In chilly open air conversing
Poor darling； he's extremely delicate；
And wants a deal of nursing！
LUD。 I want a deal of nursing！
LISA。 And O； remember this
When he is cross with pain；
A flower and a kiss
A simple flowera tender kiss
Will bring him round again！
His moods you must assiduously watch：
When he succumbs to sorrow tragic；
Some hardbake or a bit of butter…scotch
Will work on him like magic。
To contradict a character so rich
In trusting love were simple blindness
He's one of those exalted natures which
Will only yield to kindness！
LUD。 I only yield to kindness！
LISA。 And O； the bygone bliss！
And O； the present pain！
That flower and that kiss
That simple flowerthat tender kiss
I ne'er shall give again！
＇Exit；
weeping。
JULIA。 And now that everybody has gone； and we're happily
and comfortably married； I want to have a few words with my
new…born husband。
LUD。 （aside）。 Yes； I expect you'll often have a few words
with your new…born husband！ （Aloud。） Well； what is it？
JULIA。 Why； I've been thinking that as you and I have to
play our parts for life； it is most essential that we should come
to a definite understanding as to how they shall be rendered。
Now； I've been considering how I can make the most of the Grand
Duchess。
LUD。 Have you？ Well； if you'll take my advice； you'll
make
a very fine part of it。
JULIA。 Why； that's quite my idea。
LUD。 I shouldn't make it one of your hoity…toity vixenish
viragoes。
JULIA。 You think not？
LUD。 Oh； I'm quite clear about that。 I should make her a
tender； gentle； submissive； affectionate （but not too
affectionate） child…wifetimidly anxious to coil herself into
her husband's heart； but kept in check by an awestruck reverence
for his exalted intellectual qualities and his majestic personal
appearance。
JULIA。 Oh； that is your idea of a good part？
LUD。 Yesa wife who regards her husband's slightest wish
as an inflexible law； and who ventures but rarely into his august
presence； unless （which would happen seldom） he should summon her
to appear before him。 A crushed； despairing violet； whose
blighted existence would culminate （all too soon） in a lonely and
pathetic death…scene！ A fine part； my dear。
JULIA。 Yes。 There's a good deal to be said for your view
of it。 Now there are some actresses whom it would fit like a
glove。
LUD。 （aside）。 I wish I'd married one of 'em！
JULIA。 But； you see； I must consider my temperament。 For
instance； my temperament would demand some strong scenes of
justifiable jealousy。
LUD。 Oh； there's no difficulty about that。 You shall have
them。
JULIA。 With a lovely but detested rival
LUD。 Oh； I'll provide the rival。
JULIA。 Whom I should stabstabstab！
LUD。 Oh； I wouldn't stab her。 It's been done to death。 I
should treat her with a silent and contemptuous disdain； and
delicately withdraw from a position which； to one of your
sensitive nature； would be absolutely untenable。 Dear me； I can
see you delicately withdrawing； up centre and off！
JULIA。 Can you？
LUD。 Yes。 It's a fine situationand in your hands； full
of quiet pathos！
DUETLUDWIG and JULIA。
LUD。 Now Julia； come；
Consider it from
This dainty point of view
A timid tender
Feminine gender；
Prompt to coyly coo
Yet silence seeking；
Seldom speaking
Till she's spoken to
A comfy； cosy；
Rosy…posy
Innocent ingenoo！
The part you're suited to
（To give the deuce her due）
A sweet （O； jiminy！）
Miminy…piminy；
Innocent ingenoo！
ENSEMBLE。
LUD。 JULIA。
The part you're suited to I'm much obliged to you；
（To give the deuce her due） I don't think that would do
A sweet （O； jiminy！） To play （O； jiminy！）
Miminy…piminy； Miminy…piminy；
Innocent ingenoo！ Innocent ingenoo！
JULIA。 You forget my special magic
（In a high dramatic sense）
Lies in situations tragic
Undeniably intense。
As I've justified promotion
In the histrionic art；
I'll submit to you my notion
Of a first…rate part。
LUD。 Well； let us see your notion
Of a first…rate part。
JULIA （dramatically）。
I have a rival！ Frenzy…thrilled；
I find you both together！
My heart stands stillwith horror chilled…
Hard as the millstone nether！
Then softly； slyly； snaily； snaky
Crawly； creepy； quaily； quaky
I track her on her homeward way；
As panther tracks her fated prey！
（Furiously。） I fly at her soft white throat
The lily…white laughing leman！
On her agonized gaze I gloat
With the glee of a dancing demon！
My rival sheI have no doubt of her…
So I hold ontill the breath is out of her！
till the breath is out of her！
And thenRemorse！ Remorse！
O cold unpleasant corse；
Avaunt！ Avaunt！
That lifeless form
I gaze upon
That face； still warm
But weirdly wan
Those eyes of glass
I contemplate
And then； alas！
Too latetoo late！
I find she isyour Aunt！
（Shuddering。） Remorse！ Remorse！
Then； madmadmad！
With fancies wildchimerical
Now sorrowfulsilentsad
Now hullaballoo hysterical！
Ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！
But whether I'm sad or whether I'm glad；
Mad！ mad！ mad！ mad！
This calls for the resources of a high…class art；
And satisfies my notion of a first…rate part！
＇Exit JULIA
Enter all the Chorus； hurriedly； and in great excitement。
CHORUS。
Your Highness； there's a party at the door
Your Highness； at the door there is a party
She says that we expect her；
But we do not recollect her；
For we never saw her countenance before！
With rage and indignation she is rife；
Because our welcome wasn't very hearty
She's as sulky as a super；
And she's swearing like a trooper；
O； you never heard such language in your life！
Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT； in a fury。
BAR。 With fury indescribable I burn！
With rage I'm nearly ready to explode！
There'll be grief and tribulation when I learn
To whom this slight unbearable is owed！
For whatever may be due I'll pay it double
There'll be terror indescribable and trouble！
With a hurly…burly and a hubble…bubble
I'll pay you for this pretty episode！
ALL。 Oh； whatever may be due she'll pay it double！
It's very good of her to take the trouble
But we don't know what she means by 〃hubble…bubble〃
No doubt it's an expression la mode。
BAR。 （to LUDWIG）。
Do you know who I am？
LUD。 （examining her）。 I don't；
Your countenance I can't fix； my dear。
BAR。 This proves I'm not a sham。
（Showing pocket…handkerchief。）
LUD。 （examining it）。 It won't；
It only says 〃Krakenfeldt； Six；〃 my dear。
BAR。 Express your grief profound！
LUD。 I shan't！
This tone I never allow； my love。
BAR。 Rudolph at once produce！
LUD。 I can't；
He isn't at home just now； my love。
BAR。 （astonished）。 He isn't at home just now！
ALL。 He isn't at home just now；
（Dancing derisively。） He has an appointment particular；
very…
You'll find him； I think； in the town cemetery；
And that's how we come to be making so merry；
For he isn't at home just now！
BAR。 But bless my heart and soul alive； it's impuden
