the complete plays-第76章
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What can we do to gain attention。
When night and noon with vulgar glaring
A great big moon is always flaring。
＇During chorus； enter Diana； an elderly goddess。 She is carefully
wrapped up in cloaks； shawls； etc。 A hood is over her head； a
respirator in her mouth； and galoshes on her feet。 During the
chorus； she takes these things off and discovers herself dressed
in the usual costume of the Lunar Diana； the goddess of the moon。
DIA。 ＇shuddering＇ Ugh。 How cold the nights are。 I don't know how
it is； but I seem to feel the night air a good deal more than I
used to。 But it is time for the sun to be rising。 ＇Calls＇ Apollo。
AP。 ＇within＇ Hollo。
DIA。 I've come off dutyit's time for you to be getting up。
＇Enter Apollo。 He is an elderly 〃buck〃 with an air of assumed
juvenility and is dressed in dressing gown and smoking cap。
AP。 ＇yawning＇ I shan't go out today。 I was out yesterday and the
day before and I want a little rest。 I don't know how it is；but I
seem to feel my work a great deal more than I used to。
DIA。 I am sure these short days can't hurt you。 Why you don't
rise til six and you're in bed again by five； you should have a
turn at my work and see how you like thatout all night。
AP。 My dear sister； I don't envy youthough I remember when I
didbut that was when I was a younger sun。 I don't think I'm
quite well。 Perhaps a little change of air will do me good。 I've
a mind to show myself in London this winter。 They'll be very glad
to see me。 No。 I shan't go out today。 I shall send them this
fine； thick wholesome fog and they won't miss me。 It's the best
substitute for a blazing sunand like most substitutes； nothing
at all like the real thing。
＇Fog clears away and discovers the scene described。 Hurried
music。 Mercury shoots up from behind precipice at the back of
stage。 He carries several parcels afterwards described。 He sits
down； very much fatigued。＇
MER。 Home at last。 A nice time I've had of it。
DIA。 You young scamp you've been out all night again。 This is the
third time you've been out this week。
MER。 Well you're a nice one to blow me up for that。
DIA。 I can't help being out all night。
MER。 And I can't help being down all night。 The nature of Mercury
requires that he should go down when the sun sets； and rise again
when the sun rises。
DIA。 And what have you been doing？
MER。 Stealing on commission。 There's a set of false teeth and a
box of Life Pills for Jupiteran invisible peruke and a bottle
of hair dyethat's for Apolloa respirator and a pair of
galoshesthat's for Cupida full bottomed chignon； some
auricomous fluid； a box of pearl…powder； a pot of rouge； and a
hare's footthat's for Venus。
DIA。 Stealing。 You ought to be ashamed of yourself。
MER。 Oh； as the god of thieves I must do something to justify my
position。
DIA。and AP。 ＇contemptuously＇ Your position。
MER。 Oh； I know it's nothing to boast of even on earth。 Up here；
it's simply contemptible。 Now that you gods are too old for your
work； you've made me the miserable drudge of Olympusgroom；
valet； postman； butler； commissionaire； maid of all work； parish
beadle； and original dustman。
AP。 Your Christmas boxes ought to be something considerable。
MER。 They ought to be but they're not。 I'm treated abominably。
I make everybody and I'm nobody。 I go everywhere and I'm
nowhere。 I do everything and I'm nothing。 I've made thunder for
Jupiter； odes for Apollo； battles for Mars； and love for Venus。
I've married couples for Humen and six weeks afterwards； I've
divorced them for Cupid； and in return I get all the kicks while
they pocket the halfpence。 And in compensation for robbing me of
the halfpence in question； what have they done for me。
AP。 Why they'veha。ha。ha。 they've made you the god of thieves。
MER。 Very self denying of them。 There isn't one of them who
hasn't a better claim to the distinction than I have。
Oh； I'm the celestial drudge；
For morning to night I must stop at it。
On errands all day I must trudge；
And stick to my work til I drop at it。
In summer I get up at one。
（As a good…natured donkey I'm ranked for it。）
then I go and I light up the sun。
And Phoebus Apollo gets thanked for it。
Well； well； it's the way of the world。
And will be through all its futurity。
Though noodles are baroned and earled；
There's nothing for clever obscurity。
I'm the slave of the Gods； neck and heels；
And I'm bound to obey； though I rate at 'em。
And I not only order their meals；
But I cook 'em and serve'em and wait at 'em。
Then I make all their nectar； I do。
（What a terrible liquor to rack us is。）
And whenever I mix them a brew；
Why all the thanksgivings are Bacchus's。
Well； well； it's the way of the world； etc。。。。。
The reading and writing I teach。
And spelling…books many I've edited。
And for bringing those arts within reach；
That donkey Minerva gets credited。
Then I scrape at the stars with a knife；
And plate…powder the moon （on the days for it）。
And I hear all the world and his wife
Awarding Diana the praise for it。
Well； well； it's the way of the world； etc。。。。
＇After songvery loud and majestic music is heard＇
DIA and MER ＇looking off＇ Why； who's this？ Jupiter； by Jove。
＇Enter Jupiter； an extremely old man； very decrepit； with very
thin straggling white beard； he wears a long braided dressing
gown； handsomely trimmed； and a silk night…cap on his head。
Mercury falls back respectfully as he enters。＇
JUP。 Good day； Diana。 Ah； Apollo。 Well； well； well； what's the
matter？ What's the matter？
DIA。 Why that young scamp Mercury says that we do nothing； and
leave all the duties of Olympus to him。 Will you believe it； he
actually says that our influence on earth is dropping down to
nil。
JUP。 Well； well。 Don't be hard on the lad。 To tell you the
truth； I'm not sure that he's far wrong。 Don't let it go any
further； but； between ourselves； the sacrifices and votive
offerings have fallen off terribly of late。 Why； I can remember
the time when people offered us human sacrifices； no mistake
about it； human sacrifices。 Think of that。
DIA。 Ah。 Those good old days。
JUP。 Then it fell off to oxen； pigs； and sheep。
AP。 Well； there are worse things than oxen； pigs and sheep。
JUP。 So I've found to my cost。 My dear sir； between ourselves；
it's dropped off from one thing to another until it has
positively dwindled down to preserved Australian beef。 What do
you think of that？
AP。 I don't like it at all。
JUP。 You won't mention it。 It might go further。
DIA。 It couldn't fare worse。
JUP。 In short； matters have come to such a crisis that there's no
mistake about itsomething must be done to restore our
influence； the only question is； what？
MER。 ＇Coming forward in great alarm。 Enter Mars＇
Oh incident unprecedented。
I hardly can believe it's true。
MARS。 Why； bless the boy； he's quite demented。
Why； what's the matter； sir； with you？
AP。 Speak quickly； or you'll get a warming。
MER。 Why； mortals up the mount are swarming
Our temple on Olympus storming；
In hundredsaye in thousands； too。
ALL。 Goodness gracious
How audacious
Earth is spacious
Why come here？
Our impeding
Their proceeding
Were good breeding
That is clear。
DIA。 Jupiter； hear my plea。
Upon the mount if they light。
There'll be an end of me。
I won't be seen by daylight。
AP。 Tartarus is the place
These scoundrels you should send to
Should they behold my face。
My influence there's an end to。
JUP。 ＇looking over precipice＇
What fools to give themselves
so much exertion
DIA。 A government survey I'll make assertion。
AP。 Perhaps the Alpine clubs their diversion。
MER。 They seem to be more like a 〃Cook's〃 excursion。
ALL。 Goodness gracious； etc。
AP。 If； mighty Jove； you value your existence；
Send them a thunderbolt with your regards。
JUP。 My thunderbolts； though valid at a distance；
Are not effective at a hundred yards。
MER。 Let the moon's rays； Diana； strike 'em flighty；
Make 'em all lunatics in various styles。
DIA。 My lunar rays unhappily are mighty
Only at many hundred thousand miles。
ALL。 Goodness gracious； etc。。。
＇Exeunt Jupiter； Apollo； Diana； and Mercury into ruined temple＇
＇Enter Sparkeion and Nicemis climbing mountain at back。＇
SPAR。 Here we are at last on the very summit； and we've left the
others ever so far behind。 Why； what's this？
NICE。 A ruined palace。 A palace on the top of a mountain。 I
wonder who lives here？ Some mighty kind； I dare say； with wealth
beyond all counting who came to live up here
SPAR。 To avoid his creditors。 It's a lovely situation for a
country house though it's very much out of repair。
NICE。 Very inconvenient situation。
SPAR。 Inconvenient。
NICE。 Yes； how are you to get butter； milk； and eggs up here？ No
pigs； no poultry； no postman。 Why； I should go mad。
SPAR。 What a dear little practical mind it is。 What a wife you
will make。
NICE。 Don't be too surewe are only partly marriedthe marriage
ceremony lasts all day。
SPAR。 I have no doubt at all about it。 We shall be as happy as a
king and queen； though we are only a strolling actor and actress。
NICE。 It's very nice of Thespis to celebrate our marriage day by
giving the company a picnic on this lovely mountain。
SPAR。 And still more kind to allow us to get so much ahead of all
the others。 Discreet Thespis。 ＇kissing her＇
NICE；。 There now； get away； do。 Remember the marriage ceremony
is not yet completed。
SPAR。 But it would be ungrateful to Thespis's discretion not to
take advantage of it by improving the opportunity。
NICE。 Certainly not； get away。
SPAR。 On second thought the opportunity's so good it don't admit
of improvement。 There。 ＇kisses her＇
NICE。 How dare you kiss me before we are quite married？
SPAR。 Attribute it to the intoxicating influence of the mountain
air。
NICE。 Then we had better do down again。 It is not right to
expose ourselves to influences over which we have no control。
SPAR。 Here far away from all the world；
Dissension and derision；
With Nature's wonders all unfurled
To our delighted vision；
With no one here
（At least in sight）
To interfere
With our delight；
And two fond lovers sever；
Oh do not free；
Thine hand from mine；
I swear to thee
My love is ever thine
For ever and for ever。
