liber amoris-第13章

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e　hour　together；　in　spite　of　all　her　father　could　say　to　her　（what　were　her　motives；　was　best　known　to　herself！）　and　while　we　were　talking　of　her；　she　came　bounding　into　the　room；　smiling　with　smothered　delight　at　the　consummation　of　my　folly　and　her　own　art；　and　I　asked　her　mother　whether　she　thought　she　looked　as　if　she　hated　me；　and　I　took　her　wrinkled；　withered；　cadaverous；　clammy　hand　at　parting；　and　kissed　it。　　Faugh！

I　will　make　an　end　of　this　story；　there　is　something　in　it　discordant　to　honest　ears。　　I　left　the　house　the　next　day；　and　returned　to　Scotland　in　a　state　so　near　to　phrenzy；　that　I　take　it　the　shades　sometimes　ran　into　one　another。　　R　met　me　the　day　after　I　arrived；　and　will　tell　you　the　way　I　was　in。　　I　was　like　a　person　in　a　high　fever；　only　mine　was　in　the　mind　instead　of　the　body。　　It　had　the　same　irritating；　uncomfortable　effect　on　the　bye…standers。　　I　was　incapable　of　any　application；　and　don't　know　what　I　should　have　done；　had　it　not　been　for　the　kindness　of　…。　　I　came　to　see　you；　to　〃bestow　some　of　my　tediousness　upon　you；〃　but　you　were　gone　from　home。　　Everything　went　on　well　as　to　the　law　business；　and　as　it　approached　to　a　conclusion；　I　wrote　to　my　good　friend　P　to　go　to　M；　who　had　married　her　sister；　and　ask　him　if　it　would　be　worth　my　while　to　make　her　a　formal　offer；　as　soon　as　I　was　free；　as；　with　the　least　encouragement；　I　was　ready　to　throw　myself　at　her　feet；　and　to　know；　in　case　of　refusal；　whether　I　might　go　back　there　and　be　treated　as　an　old　friend。　　Not　a　word　of　answer　could　be　got　from　her　on　either　point；　notwithstanding　every　importunity　and　intreaty；　but　it　was　the　opinion　of　M　that　I　might　go　and　try　my　fortune。　　I　did　so　with　joy；　with　something　like　confidence。　　I　thought　her　giving　no　positive　answer　implied　a　chance；　at　least；　of　the　reversion　of　her　favour；　in　case　I　behaved　well。　　All　was　false；　hollow；　insidious。　　The　first　night　after　I　got　home；　I　slept　on　down。　　In　Scotland；　the　flint　had　been　my　pillow。　　But　now　I　slept　under　the　same　roof　with　her。　　What　softness；　what　balmy　repose　in　the　very　thought！　　I　saw　her　that　same　day　and　shook　hands　with　her；　and　told　her　how　glad　I　was　to　see　her；　and　she　was　kind　and　comfortable；　though　still　cold　and　distant。　　Her　manner　was　altered　from　what　it　was　the　last　time。　　She　still　absented　herself　from　the　room；　but　was　mild　and　affable　when　she　did　come。　　She　was　pale；　dejected；　evidently　uneasy　about　something；　and　had　been　ill。　　I　thought　it　was　perhaps　her　reluctance　to　yield　to　my　wishes；　her　pity　for　what　I　suffered；　and　that　in　the　struggle　between　both；　she　did　not　know　what　to　do。　　How　I　worshipped　her　at　these　moments！　　We　had　a　long　interview　the　third　day；　and　I　thought　all　was　doing　well。　　I　found　her　sitting　at　work　in　the　window…seat　of　the　front　parlour；　and　on　my　asking　if　I　might　come　in；　she　made　no　objection。　　I　sat　down　by　her；　she　let　me　take　her　hand；　I　talked　to　her　of　indifferent　things；　and　of　old　times。　　I　asked　her　if　she　would　put　some　new　frills　on　my　shirts？…〃With　the　greatest　pleasure。〃　　If　she　could　get　THE　LITTLE　IMAGE　mended？　　〃It　was　broken　in　three　pieces；　and　the　sword　was　gone；　but　she　would　try。〃　　I　then　asked　her　to　make　up　a　plaid　silk　which　I　had　given　her　in　the　winter；　and　which　she　said　would　make　a　pretty　summer　gown。　　I　so　longed　to　see　her　in　it！〃She　had　little　time　to　spare；　but　perhaps　might！〃　　Think　what　I　felt；　talking　peaceably；　kindly；　tenderly　with　my　love；not　passionately；　not　violently。　　I　tried　to　take　pattern　by　her　patient　meekness；　as　I　thought　it；　and　to　subdue　my　desires　to　her　will。　　I　then　sued　to　her；　but　respectfully；　to　be　admitted　to　her　friendshipshe　must　know　I　was　as　true　a　friend　as　ever　woman　hador　if　there　was　a　bar　to　our　intimacy　from　a　dearer　attachment；　to　let　me　know　it　frankly；　as　I　shewed　her　all　my　heart。　　She　drew　out　her　handkerchief　and　wiped　her　eyes　〃of　tears　which　sacred　pity　had　engendered　there。〃　　Was　it　so　or　not？　　I　cannot　tell。　　But　so　she　stood　（while　I　pleaded　my　cause　to　her　with　all　the　earnestness；　and　fondness　in　the　world）　with　the　tears　trickling　from　her　eye…lashes；　her　head　stooping；　her　attitude　fixed；　with　the　finest　expression　that　ever　was　seen　of　mixed　regret；　pity；　and　stubborn　resolution；　but　without　speaking　a　word；　without　altering　a　feature。　　It　was　like　a　petrifaction　of　a　human　face　in　the　softest　moment　of　passion。　　〃Ah！〃　I　said；　〃how　you　look！　　I　have　prayed　again　and　again　while　I　was　away　from　you；　in　the　agony　of　my　spirit；　that　I　might　but　live　to　see　you　look　so　again；　and　then　breathe　my　last！〃　　I　intreated　her　to　give　me　some　explanation。　　In　vain！　　At　length　she　said　she　must　go；　and　disappeared　like　a　spirit。　　That　week　she　did　all　the　little　trifling　favours　I　had　asked　of　her。　　The　frills　were　put　on；　and　she　sent　up　to　know　if　I　wanted　any　more　done。　　She　got　the　Buonaparte　mended。　　This　was　like　healing　old　wounds　indeed！　　How？　　As　follows；　for　thereby　hangs　the　conclusion　of　my　tale。　　Listen。

I　had　sent　a　message　one　evening　to　speak　to　her　about　some　special　affairs　of　the　house；　and　received　no　answer。　　I　waited　an　hour　expecting　her；　and　then　went　out　in　great　vexation　at　my　disappointment。　　I　complained　to　her　mother　a　day　or　two　after；　saying　I　thought　it　so　unlike　Sarah's　usual　propriety　of　behaviour；　that　she　must　mean　it　as　a　mark　of　disrespect。　　Mrs。　L　said；　〃La！　Sir；　you're　always　fancying　things。　　Why；　she　was　dressing　to　go　out；　and　she　was　only　going　to　get　the　little　image　you're　both　so　fond　of　mended；　and　it's　to　be　done　this　evening。　　She　has　been　to　two　or　three　places　to　see　about　it；　before　she　could　get　anyone　to　undertake　it。〃　　My　heart；　my　poor　fond　heart；　almost　melted　within　me　at　this　news。　　I　answered；　〃Ah！　Madam；　that's　always　the　way　with　the　dear　creature。　　I　am　finding　fault　with　her　and　thinking　the　hardest　things　of　her；　and　at　that　very　time　she's　doing　something　to　shew　the　most　delicate　attention；　and　that　she　has　no　greater　satisfaction　than　in　gratifying　my　wishes！〃　　On　this　we　had　some　farther　talk；　and　I　took　nearly　the　whole　of　the　lodgings　at　a　hundred　guineas　a　year；　that　（as　I　said）　she　might　have　a　little　leisure　to　sit　at　her　needle　of　an　evening；　or　to　read　if　she　chose；　or　to　walk　out　when　it　was　fine。　　She　was　not　in　good　health；　and　it　would　do　her　good　to　be　less　confined。　　I　would　be　the　drudge　and　she　should　no　longer　be　the　slave。　　I　asked　nothing　in　return。　　To　see　her　happy；　to　make　her　so；　was　to　be　so　myself。This　was　agreed　to。　　I　went　over　to　Blackheath　that　evening；　delighted　as　I　could　be　after　all　I　had　suffered；　and　lay　the　whole　of　the　next　morning　on　the　heath　under　the　open　sky；　dreaming　of　my　earthly　Goddess。　　This　was　Sunday。　　That　evening　I　returned；　for　I　could　hardly　bear　to　be　for　a　moment　out　of　the　house　where　she　was；　and　the　next　morning　she　tapped　at　the　doorit　was　openedit　was　sheshe　hesitated　and　then　came　forward：　she　had　got　the　little　image　in　her　hand；　I　took　it；　and　blest　her　from　my　heart。　　She　said　〃They　had　been　obliged　to　put　some　new　pieces　to　it。〃　　I　said　〃I　didn't　care　how　it　was　done；　so　that　I　had　it　restored　to　me　safe；　and　by　her。〃　　I　thanked　her　and　begged　to　shake　hands　with　her。　　She　did　so；　and　as　I　held　the　only　hand　in　the　world　that　I　never　wished　to　let　go；　I　looked　up　in　her　face；　and　said　〃Have　pity　on　me；　have　pity　on　me；　and　save　me　if　you　can！〃　　Not　a　word　of　answer；　but　she　looked　full　in　my　eyes；　as　much　as　to　say；　〃Well；　I'll　think　of　it；　and　if　I　can；　I　will　save　you！〃　　We　talked　about　the　expense　of　repairing　the　figure。　　〃Was　the　man　waiting？〃〃No；　she　had　fetched　it　on　Saturday　evening。〃　　I　said　I'd　give　her　the　money　in　the　course　of　the　day；　and　then　shook　hands　with　her　again　in　token　of　reconciliation；　and　she　went　waving　out　of　the　room；　but　at　the　door　turned　round　and　looked　full　at　me；　as　she　did　the　first　time　she　beguiled　me　of　my　heart。　　This　was　the　last。

All　that　day　I　longed　to　go　down　stairs　to　ask　her　and　her　mother　to　set　out　with　me　for　Scotland　on　Wednesday；　and　on　Saturday　I　would　make　her　my　wife。　　Something　withheld　me。　　In　the　evening；　however；　I　could　not　rest　without　seeing　her；　and　I　said　to　her　younger　sister；　〃Betsey；　if　Sarah　will　come　up　now；　I'll　pay　her　what　she　laid　out　for　me　the　other　day。〃〃My　sister's　gone　out；　Sir；〃　was　the　answer。　　What　again！　thought　I；　That's　somewhat　sudden。　　I　told　P　her　sitting　in　the　window…seat　of　the　front　parlour　boded　me　no　good。　　It　was　not　in　her　old　character。　　She　did　not　use　to　know　there　were　doors　or　windows　in　the　houseand　now　she　goes　out　three　times　in　a　week。　　It　is　to　meet　some　one；　I'll　lay　my　life　on't。　　〃Where　is　she　gone？〃〃To　my　grandmother's；　Sir。〃　　〃Where　does　your　grandmother　live　now？〃〃At　Somers'　Town。〃　　I　immediately　set　out　to　Somers'　Town。　　I　passed　one　or　two　streets；　and　at　last　turned　up　King　Street；　thinking　it　most　likely　she　would　return　that　way　home。　　I　passed　a　house　in　King　Street　where　I　had　once　lived；　and　had　not　proceeded　many　paces；　ruminating　on　chance　and　change　and　old　times；　when　I　saw　her　coming　towards　me。　　I　felt　a　strange　pang　at　the　sight；　but　I　thought　her　alone。　　Some　people　before　me　moved　on；　and　I　saw　another　person　with　her。　　THE　MURDER　WAS　OUT。　　It　was　a　tall；　rather　well…looking　young　man；　but　I　did　not　at　first　recollect　him。　　We　passed　at　the　crossing　of　the　street　without　speaking。　　Will　you　believe　it；　after　all　that　had　past　between　us　for　two　years；　after　what　had　passed　in　the　last　half…year；　after　what　had　passed　that　very　morning；　she　went　by　me　without　even　changing　countenance；　without　expressing　the　slightest　emotion；　without　betraying　either　shame　or　pity　or　remorse　or　any　other　feeling　that　any　other　human　being　but　herself　must　have　shewn　in　the　same　situation。　　She　had　no　time　to　prepare　for　acting　a　part；　to　suppress　her　feelingsthe　truth　is；　she　has　not　one　natural　feeling　in　her　bosom　to　suppress。　　I　turned　and　lookedthey　also　turned　and　looked　and　as　if　by　mutual　consent；　we　both　retrod　our　steps　and　passed　again；　in　the　same　way。　　I　went　home。　　I　was　stifled。　　I　could　not　stay　in　the　house；　walked　into　the　street　and　met　them　coming　towards　home。　　As　soon　as　he　had　left　her　at　the　door　（I　fancy　she　had　prevailed　with　him　to　accompany　her；　dreading　some　violence）　I　returned；　went　up　stairs；　and　requested　an　interview。　　Tell　her；　I　said；　I'm　in　excellent　temper　and　good　spirits；　but　I　must　see　her！　　She　came　smiling；　and　I　said；　〃Come　in；　my　dear　girl；　and　sit　down；　and　tell　me　all　about　it；　how　it　is　and　who　it　is。〃〃　What；〃　she　said；　〃do　you　mean　Mr。　C？〃　　〃Oh；〃　said　I；　〃Then　it　is　he！　　Ah！　you　rogue；　I　always　suspected　there　was　something　between　you；　but　you　know　you　denied　it　lustily：　why　did　you　not　tell　me　all　about　it　at　the　time；　instead　of　letting　me　suffer　as　I　have　done？　　But；　however；　no　reproaches。　　I　only　wish　it　may　all　end　happily　and　honourably　for　you；　and　I　am　satisfied。　　But；〃　I　said；　〃you　know　you　used　to　tell　me；　you　despised　looks。〃〃She　didn't　think　Mr。　C　was　so　particularly　handsome。〃　　〃No；　but　he's　very　well　to　pass；　and　a　well…grown　youth　into　the　bargain。〃　　Pshaw！　let　me　put　an　end　to　the　fulsome　detail。　　I　found　he　had　lived　over　the　way；　that　he　had　been　lured　thence；　no　doubt；　almost　a　year　before；　that　they　had　first　spoken　in　th