liber amoris-第3章

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u　merely　bring　in　the　tea…things；　as　if　you　were　advancing　to　the　altar。　　You　move　in　minuet…time：　you　measure　every　step；　as　if　you　were　afraid　of　offending　in　the　smallest　things。　　I　never　hear　your　approach　on　the　stairs；　but　by　a　sort　of　hushed　silence。　　When　you　enter　the　room；　the　Graces　wait　on　you；　and　Love　waves　round　your　person　in　gentle　undulations；　breathing　balm　into　the　soul！　　By　Heaven；　you　are　an　angel！　　You　look　like　one　at　this　instant！　　Do　I　not　adore　youand　have　I　merited　this　return？

S。　　I　have　repeatedly　answered　that　question。　　You　sit　and　fancy　things　out　of　your　own　head；　and　then　lay　them　to　my　charge。　　There　is　not　a　word　of　truth　in　your　suspicions。

H。　　Did　I　not　overhear　the　conversation　down…stairs　last　night；　to　which　you　were　a　party？　　Shall　I　repeat　it？

S。　　I　had　rather　not　hear　it！

H。　　Or　what　am　I　to　think　of　this　story　of　the　footman？

S。　　It　is　false；　Sir；　I　never　did　anything　of　the　sort。

H。　　Nay；　when　I　told　your　mother　I　wished　she　wouldn't　*　*　*　*　*　*　*　*　*　（as　I　heard　she　did）　she　said　〃Oh；　there's　nothing　in　that；　for　Sarah　very　often　*　*　*　*　*　*；〃　and　your　doing　so　before　company；　is　only　a　trifling　addition　to　the　sport。

S。　　I'll　call　my　mother；　Sir；　and　she　shall　contradict　you。

H。　　Then　she'll　contradict　herself。　　But　did　not　you　boast　you　were　〃very　persevering　in　your　resistance　to　gay　young　men；〃　and　had　been　〃several　times　obliged　to　ring　the　bell？〃　　Did　you　always　ring　it？　　Or　did　you　get　into　these　dilemmas　that　made　it　necessary；　merely　by　the　demureness　of　your　looks　and　ways？　　Or　had　nothing　else　passed？　　Or　have　you　two　characters；　one　that　you　palm　off　upon　me；　and　another；　your　natural　one；　that　you　resume　when　you　get　out　of　the　room；　like　an　actress　who　throws　aside　her　artificial　part　behind　the　scenes？　　Did　you　not；　when　I　was　courting　you　on　the　staircase　the　first　night　Mr。　C　came；　beg　me　to　desist；　for　if　the　new　lodger　heard　us；　he'd　take　you　for　a　light　character？　　Was　that　all？　　Were　you　only　afraid　of　being　TAKEN　for　a　light　character？　　Oh！　Sarah！

S。　　I'll　stay　and　hear　this　no　longer。

H。　　Yes；　one　word　more。　　Did　you　not　love　another？

S。　　Yes；　and　ever　shall　most　sincerely。

H。　　Then；　THAT　is　my　only　hope。　　If　you　could　feel　this　sentiment　for　him；　you　cannot　be　what　you　seem　to　me　of　late。　　But　there　is　another　thing　I　had　to　saybe　what　you　will；　I　love　you　to　distraction！　　You　are　the　only　woman　that　ever　made　me　think　she　loved　me；　and　that　feeling　was　so　new　to　me；　and　so　delicious；　that　it　〃will　never　from　my　heart。〃　　Thou　wert　to　me　a　little　tender　flower；　blooming　in　the　wilderness　of　my　life；　and　though　thou　should'st　turn　out　a　weed；　I'll　not　fling　thee　from　me；　while　I　can　help　it。　　Wert　thou　all　that　I　dread　to　thinkwert　thou　a　wretched　wanderer　in　the　street；　covered　with　rags；　disease；　and　infamy；　I'd　clasp　thee　to　my　bosom；　and　live　and　die　with　thee；　my　love。　　Kiss　me；　thou　little　sorceress！

S。　　NEVER。

H。　　Then　go：　but　remember　I　cannot　live　without　younor　I　will　not。



THE　RECONCILIATION





H。　　I　have　then　lost　your　friendship？

S。　　Nothing　tends　more　to　alienate　friendship　than　insult。

H。　　The　words　I　uttered　hurt　me　more　than　they　did　you。

S。　　It　was　not　words　merely；　but　actions　as　well。

H。　　Nothing　I　can　say　or　do　can　ever　alter　my　fondness　for　youAh；　Sarah！　　I　am　unworthy　of　your　love：　I　hardly　dare　ask　for　your　pity；　but　oh！　save　mesave　me　from　your　scorn：　I　cannot　bear　itit　withers　me　like　lightning。

S。　　I　bear　no　malice；　Sir；　but　my　brother；　who　would　scorn　to　tell　a　lie　for　his　sister；　can　bear　witness　for　me　that　there　was　no　truth　in　what　you　were　told。

H。　　I　believe　it；　or　there　is　no　truth　in　woman。　　It　is　enough　for　me　to　know　that　you　do　not　return　my　regard；　it　would　be　too　much　for　me　to　think　that　you　did　not　deserve　it。　　But　cannot　you　forgive　the　agony　of　the　moment？

S。　　I　can　forgive；　but　it　is　not　easy　to　forget　some　things！

H。　　Nay；　my　sweet　Sarah　（frown　if　you　will；　I　can　bear　your　resentment　for　my　ill　behaviour；　it　is　only　your　scorn　and　indifference　that　harrow　up　my　soul）but　I　was　going　to　ask；　if　you　had　been　engaged　to　be　married　to　any　one；　and　the　day　was　fixed；　and　he　had　heard　what　I　did；　whether　he　could　have　felt　any　true　regard　for　the　character　of　his　bride；　his　wife；　if　he　had　not　been　hurt　and　alarmed　as　I　was？

S。　　I　believe；　actual　contracts　of　marriage　have　sometimes　been　broken　off　by　unjust　suspicions。

H。　　Or　had　it　been　your　old　friend；　what　do　you　think　he　would　have　said　in　my　case？

S。　　He　would　never　have　listened　to　anything　of　the　sort。

H。　　He　had　greater　reasons　for　confidence　than　I　have。　　But　it　is　your　repeated　cruel　rejection　of　me　that　drives　me　almost　to　madness。　　Tell　me；　love；　is　there　not；　besides　your　attachment　to　him；　a　repugnance　to　me？

S。　　No；　none　whatever。

H。　　I　fear　there　is　an　original　dislike；　which　no　efforts　of　mine　can　overcome。

S。　　It　is　not　youit　is　my　feelings　with　respect　to　another；　which　are　unalterable。

H。　　And　yet　you　have　no　hope　of　ever　being　his？　　And　yet　you　accuse　me　of　being　romantic　in　my　sentiments。

S。　　I　have　indeed　long　ceased　to　hope；　but　yet　I　sometimes　hope　against　hope。

H。　　My　love！　were　it　in　my　power；　thy　hopes　should　be　fulfilled　to…morrow。　　Next　to　my　own；　there　is　nothing　that　could　give　me　so　much　satisfaction　as　to　see　thine　realized！　　Do　I　not　love　thee；　when　I　can　feel　such　an　interest　in　thy　love　for　another？　　It　was　that　which　first　wedded　my　very　soul　to　you。　　I　would　give　worlds　for　a　share　in　a　heart　so　rich　in　pure　affection！

S。　　And　yet　I　did　not　tell　you　of　the　circumstance　to　raise　myself　in　your　opinion。

H。　　You　are　a　sublime　little　thing！　　And　yet；　as　you　have　no　prospects　there；　I　cannot　help　thinking；　the　best　thing　would　be　to　do　as　I　have　said。

S。　　I　would　never　marry　a　man　I　did　not　love　beyond　all　the　world。

H。　　I　should　be　satisfied　with　less　than　thatwith　the　love；　or　regard；　or　whatever　you　call　it；　you　have　shown　me　before　marriage；　if　that　has　only　been　sincere。　　You　would　hardly　like　me　less　afterwards。

S。　　Endearments　would；　I　should　think；　increase　regard；　where　there　was　love　beforehand；　but　that　is　not　exactly　my　case。

H。　　But　I　think　you　would　be　happier　than　you　are　at　present。　　You　take　pleasure　in　my　conversation；　and　you　say　you　have　an　esteem　for　me；　and　it　is　upon　this；　after　the　honeymoon；　that　marriage　chiefly　turns。

S。　　Do　you　think　there　is　no　pleasure　in　a　single　life？

H。　　Do　you　mean　on　account　of　its　liberty？

S。　　No；　but　I　feel　that　forced　duty　is　no　duty。　　I　have　high　ideas　of　the　married　state！

H。　　Higher　than　of　the　maiden　state？

S。　　I　understand　you；　Sir。

H。　　I　meant　nothing；　but　you　have　sometimes　spoken　of　any　serious　attachment　as　a　tie　upon　you。　　It　is　not　that　you　prefer　flirting　with　〃gay　young　men〃　to　becoming　a　mere　dull　domestic　wife？

S。　　You　have　no　right　to　throw　out　such　insinuations：　for　though　I　am　but　a　tradesman's　daughter；　I　have　as　nice　a　sense　of　honour　as　anyone　can　have。

H。　　Talk　of　a　tradesman's　daughter！　you　would　ennoble　any　family；　thou　glorious　girl；　by　true　nobility　of　mind。

S。　　Oh！　Sir；　you　flatter　me。　　I　know　my　own　inferiority　to　most。

H。　　To　none；　there　is　no　one　above　thee；　man　nor　woman　either。　　You　are　above　your　situation；　which　is　not　fit　for　you。

S。　　I　am　contented　with　my　lot；　and　do　my　duty　as　cheerfully　as　I　can。

H。　　Have　you　not　told　me　your　spirits　grow　worse　every　year？

S。　　Not　on　that　account：　but　some　disappointments　are　hard　to　bear　up　against。

H。　　If　you　talk　about　that；　you'll　unman　me。　　But　tell　me；　my　love；I　have　thought　of　it　as　something　that　might　account　for　some　circumstances；　that　is；　as　a　mere　possibility。　　But　tell　me；　there　was　not　a　likeness　between　me　and　your　old　lover　that　struck　you　at　first　sight？　　Was　there？

S。　　No；　Sir；　none。

H。　　Well；　I　didn't　think　it　likely　there　should。

S。　　But　there　was　a　likeness。

H。　　To　whom？

S。　　To　that　little　image！　（looking　intently　on　a　small　bronze　figure　of　Buonaparte　on　the　mantelpiece）。

H。　　What；　do　you　mean　to　Buonaparte？

S。　　Yes；　all　but　the　nose　was　just　like。

H。　　And　was　his　figure　the　same？

S。　　He　was　taller！

＇I　got　up　and　gave　her　the　image；　and　told　her　it　was　hers　by　every　right　that　was　sacred。　　She　refused　at　first　to　take　so　valuable　a　curiosity；　and　said　she　would　keep　it　for　me。　　But　I　pressed　it　eagerly；　and　she　look　it。　　She　immediately　came　and　sat　down；　and　put　her　arm　round　my　neck；　and　kissed　me；　and　I　said；　〃Is　it　not　plain　we　are　the　best　friends　in　the　world；　since　we　are　always　so　glad　to　make　it　up？〃　　And　then　I　added　〃How　odd　it　was　that　the　God　of　my　idolatry　should　turn　out　to　be　like　her　Idol；　and　said　it　was　no　wonder　that　the　same　face　which　awed　the　world　should　conquer　the　sweetest　creature　in　it！〃　　How　I　loved　her　at　that　moment！　　Is　it　possible　that　the　wretch　who　writes　this　could　ever　have　been　so　blest！　　Heavenly　delicious　creature！　　Can　I　live　without　her？　　Oh！　nonevernever。

〃What　is　this　world？　　What　asken　men　to　have；　Now　with　his　love；　now　in　the　cold　grave；　Alone；　withouten　any　compagnie！〃

Let　me　but　see　her　again！　　She　cannot　hate　the　man　who　loves　her　as　I　do。＇



LETTERS　TO　THE　SAME





Feb。；　I822。


You　will　scold　me　for　this；　and　ask　me　if　this　is　keeping　my　promise　to　mind　my　work。　　One　half　of　it　was　to　think　of　Sarah：　and　besides；　I　do　not　neglect　my　work　either；　I　assure　you。　　I　regularly　do　ten　pages　a　day；　which　mounts　up　to　thirty　guineas'　worth　a　week；　so　that　you　see　I　should　grow　rich　at　this　rate；　if　I　could　keep　on　so；　AND　I　COULD　KEEP　ON　SO；　if　I　had　you　with　me　to　encourage　me　with　your　sweet　smiles；　and　share　my　lot。　　The　Berwick　smacks　sail　twice　a　week；　and　the　wind　sits　fair。　　When　I　think　of　the　thousand　endearing　caresses　that　have　passed　between　us；　I　do　not　wonder　at　the　strong　attachment　that　draws　me　to　you；　but　I　am　sorry　for　my　own　want　of　power　to　please。　　I　hear　the　wind　sigh　through　the　lattice；　and　keep　repeating　over　and　over　to　myself　two　lines　of　Lord　Byron's　Tragedy

〃So　shalt　thou　find　me　ever　at　thy　side　Here　and　hereafter；　if　the　last　may　be。〃

applying　them　to　thee；　my　love；　and　thinking　whether　I　shall　ever　see　thee　again。　　Perhaps　notfor　some　years　at　leasttill　both　thou　and　I　are　oldand　then；　when　all　else　have　forsaken　thee；　I　will　creep　to　thee；　and　die　in　thine　arms。　　You　once　made　me　believe　I　was　not　hated　by　her　I　loved；　and　for　that　sensation；　so　delicious　was　it；　though　but　a　mockery　and　a　dream；　I　owe　you　more　than　I　can　ever　pay。　　I　thought　to　have　dried　up　my　tears　for　ever；　the　day　I　left　you；　but　as　I　write　this；　they　stream　again。　　If　they　did　not；　I　think　my　heart　would　burst。　　I　walk　out　here　of　an　afternoon；　and　hear　the　notes　of　the　thrush；　that　come　up　from　a　sheltered　valley　below；　welcome　in　the　spring；　but　they　do　not　melt　my　heart　as　they　used：　it　is　grown　cold　and　dead。　　As　you　say；　it　will　one　day　be　colder。Forgive　what　I　have　written　above；　I　did　not　intend　it：　but　you　were　once　my　little　all；　and　I　cannot　bear　the　thought　of　having　lost　you　for　ever；　I　fear　through　my　own　fault。　　Has　any　one　called？　　Do　not　send　any　letters　that　come。　　I　should　like　you　and　your　mother　（if　agreeable）　to　g