liber amoris-第4章
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e called？ Do not send any letters that come。 I should like you and your mother （if agreeable） to go and see Mr。 Kean in Othello； and Miss Stephens in Love in a Village。 If you will； I will write to Mr。 T； to send you tickets。 Has Mr。 P called？ I think I must send to him for the picture to kiss and talk to。 Kiss me； my best beloved。 Ah！ if you can never be mine； still let me be your proud and happy slave。
H。
TO THE SAME
March； I822。
You will be glad to learn I have done my worka volume in less than a month。 This is one reason why I am better than when I came； and another is； I have had two letters from Sarah。 I am pleased I have got through this job； as I was afraid I might lose reputation by it （which I can little afford to lose）and besides； I am more anxious to do well now； as I wish you to hear me well spoken of。 I walk out of an afternoon； and hear the birds sing as I told you； and think； if I had you hanging on my arm； and that for life； how happy I should behappier than I ever hoped to be； or had any conception of till I knew you。 〃But that can never be〃I hear you answer in a soft； low murmur。 Well； let me dream of it sometimesI am not happy too often； except when that favourite note； the harbinger of spring； recalling the hopes of my youth； whispers thy name and peace together in my ear。 I was reading something about Mr。 Macready to…day； and this put me in mind of that delicious night； when I went with your mother and you to see Romeo and Juliet。 Can I forget it for a momentyour sweet modest looks； your infinite propriety of behaviour； all your sweet winning waysyour hesitating about taking my arm as we came out till your mother didyour laughing about nearly losing your cloakyour stepping into the coach without my being able to make the slightest discoveryand oh！ my sitting down beside you there； you whom I had loved so long； so well； and your assuring me I had not lessened your pleasure at the play by being with you； and giving me your dear hand to press in mine！ I thought I was in heaventhat slender exquisitely…turned form contained my all of heaven upon earth； and as I folded youyes； you； my own best Sarah； to my bosom； there was； as you say； A TIE BETWEEN USyou did seem to me； for those few short moments； to be mine in all truth and honour and sacrednessOh！ that we could be always soDo not mock me； for I am a very child in love。 I ought to beg pardon for behaving so ill afterwards； but I hope THE LITTLE IMAGE made it up between us； &c。
＇To this letter I have received no answer； not a line。 The rolling years of eternity will never fill up that blank。 Where shall I be？ What am I？ Or where have I been？＇
WRITTEN IN A BLANK LEAF OF ENDYMION
I want a hand to guide me； an eye to cheer me； a bosom to repose on； all which I shall never have； but shall stagger into my grave； old before my time； unloved and unlovely； unless S。 L。 keeps her faith with me。
* * * * * * * * * * *
But by her dove's eyes and serpent…shape； I think she does not hate me； by her smooth forehead and her crested hair； I own I love her； by her soft looks and queen…like grace （which men might fall down and worship） I swear to live and die for her！
A PROPOSAL OF LOVE
（Given to her in our early acquaintance）
〃Oh！ if I thought it could be in a woman （As； if it can； I will presume in you） To feed for aye her lamp and flames of love； To keep her constancy in plight and youth； Outliving beauties outward with a mind That doth renew swifter than blood decays： Or that persuasion could but thus convince me； That my integrity and truth to you Might be confronted with the match and weight Of such a winnowed purity in love How were I then uplifted！ But； alas； I am as true as truth's simplicity； And simpler than the infancy of truth。〃
TROILUS AND CRESSIDA。
PART II
LETTERS TO C。 P； ESQ。
Bees…Inn。
My good friend； Here I am in Scotland （and shall have been here three weeks； next Monday） as I may say； ON MY PROBATION。 This is a lone inn； but on a great scale； thirty miles from Edinburgh。 It is situated on a rising ground （a mark for all the winds； which blow here incessantly）there is a woody hill opposite； with a winding valley below； and the London road stretches out on either side。 You may guess which way I oftenest walk。 I have written two letters to S。 L。 and got one cold； prudish answer； beginning SIR； and ending FROM YOURS TRULY； with BEST RESPECTS FROM HERSELF AND RELATIONS。 I was going to give in； but have returned an answer； which I think is a touch…stone。 I send it you on the other side to keep as a curiosity； in case she kills me by her exquisite rejoinder。 I am convinced from the profound contemplations I have had on the subject here and coming along； that I am on a wrong scent。 We had a famous parting…scene； a complete quarrel and then a reconciliation； in which she did beguile me of my tears； but the deuce a one did she shed。 What do you think？ She cajoled me out of my little Buonaparte as cleverly as possible； in manner and form following。 She was shy the Saturday and Sunday （the day of my departure） so I got in dudgeon； and began to rip up grievances。 I asked her how she came to admit me to such extreme familiarities； the first week I entered the house。 〃If she had no particular regard for me； she must do so （or more） with everyone： if she had a liking to me from the first； why refuse me with scorn and wilfulness？〃 If you had seen how she flounced； and looked； and went to the door； saying 〃She was obliged to me for letting her know the opinion I had always entertained of her〃then I said； 〃Sarah！〃 and she came back and took my hand； and fixed her eyes on the mantelpiece（she must have been invoking her idol thenif I thought so； I could devour her； the darlingbut I doubt her）So I said 〃There is one thing that has occurred to me sometimes as possible； to account for your conduct to me at firstthere wasn't a likeness； was there； to your old friend？〃 She answered 〃No； nonebut there was a likeness！〃 I asked； to what？ She said 〃to that little image！〃 I said； 〃Do you mean Buonaparte？〃She said 〃Yes； all but the nose。〃〃And the figure？〃〃He was taller。〃I could not stand this。 So I got up and took it； and gave it her； and after some reluctance； she consented to 〃keep it for me。〃 What will you bet me that it wasn't all a trick？ I'll tell you why I suspect it； besides being fairly out of my wits about her。 I had told her mother half an hour before； that I should take this image and leave it at Mrs。 B。's； for that I didn't wish to leave anything behind me that must bring me back again。 Then up she comes and starts a likeness to her lover： she knew I should give it her on the spot〃No； she would keep it for me！〃 So I must come back for it。 Whether art or nature； it is sublime。 I told her I should write and tell you so； and that I parted from her； confiding； adoring！She is beyond me； that's certain。 Do go and see her； and desire her not to give my present address to a single soul； and learn if the lodging is let； and to whom。 My letter to her is as follows。 If she shews the least remorse at it； I'll be hanged； though it might move a stone； I modestly think。 （See before； Part I。 first letter。）
N。B。I have begun a book of our conversations （I mean mine and the statue's） which I call LIBER AMORIS。 I was detained at Stamford and found myself dull； and could hit upon no other way of employing my time so agreeably。
LETTER II
Dear P； Here； without loss of time； in order that I may have your opinion upon it； is little Yes and No's answer to my last。
〃Sir； I should not have disregarded your injunction not to send you any more letters that might come to you； had I not promised the Gentleman who left the enclosed to forward it the earliest opportunity； as he said it was of consequence。 Mr。 P called the day after you left town。 My mother and myself are much obliged by your kind offer of tickets to the play； but must decline accepting it。 My family send their best respects； in which they are joined by
Yours； truly；
S。 L。
The deuce a bit more is there of it。 If you can make anything out of it （or any body else） I'll be hanged。 You are to understand； this comes in a frank； the second I have received from her； with a name I can't make out； and she won't tell me； though I asked her； where she got franks； as also whether the lodgings were let； to neither of which a word of answer。 * * * * is the name on the frank： see if you can decypher it by a Red…book。 I suspect her grievously of being an arrant jilt； to say no moreyet I love her dearly。 Do you know I'm going to write to that sweet rogue presently； having a whole evening to myself in advance of my work？ Now mark； before you set about your exposition of the new Apocalypse of the new Calypso； the only thing to be endured in the above letter is the date。 It was written the very day after she received mine。 By this she seems willing to lose no time in receiving these letters 〃of such sweet breath composed。〃 If I thought sobut I wait for your reply。 After all； what is there in her but a pretty figure； and that you can't get a word out of her？ Hers is the Fabian method of making love and conquests。 What do you suppose she said the night before I left her？
〃H。 Could you not come and live with me as a friend？
〃S。 I don't know： and yet it would be of no use if I did； you would always be hankering after what could never be！〃
I asked her if she would do so at oncethe very next day？ And what do you guess was her answer〃Do you think it would be prudent？〃 As I didn't proceed to extremities on the spot； she began to look grave； and declare off。 〃Would she live with me in her own houseto be with me all day as dear friends； if nothing more； to sit and read and talk with me？〃〃She would make no promises； but I should find her the same。〃〃Would she go to the play with me sometimes； and let it be understood that I was paying my addresses to her？〃〃She could not； as a habither father was rather strict； and would object。〃Now what am I to think of all this？ Am I mad or a fool？ Answer me to that； Master Brook！ You are a philosopher。
LETTER III
Dear Friend； I ought to have written to you before； but since I received your letter； I have been in a sort of purgatory； and what is worse； I see no prospect of getting out of it。 I would put an end to my torments at once； but I am as great a coward as I have been a dupe。 Do you know I have not had a word of answer from her since！ What can be the reason？ Is she offended at my letting you know she wrote to me； or is it some new affair？ I wrote to her in the tenderest； most respectful manner； poured my soul at her feet； and this is the return she makes me！ Can you account for it； except on the admission of my worst doubts concerning her？ Oh God！ can I bear after all to think of her so； or that I am scorned and made a sport of by the creature to whom I had given my whole heart？ Thus has it been with me all my life； and so will it be to the end of it！If you should learn anything； good or bad； tell me； I conjure you： I can bear anything but this cruel suspense。 If
