liber amoris-第7章
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aces and the purest kisses； as if she had been 〃made my wedded wife yestreen；〃 or was to become so to…morrow （for that was always my feeling with respect to her）I did not proceed to gratify them； or to follow up my advantage by any action which should declare； 〃I think you a common adventurer； and will see whether you are so or not！〃 Yet any one but a credulous fool like me would have made the experiment； with whatever violence to himself； as a matter of life and death； for I had every reason to distrust appearances。 Her conduct has been of a piece from the beginning。 In the midst of her closest and falsest endearments； she has always （with one or two exceptions） disclaimed the natural inference to be drawn from them； and made a verbal reservation； by which she might lead me on in a Fool's Paradise； and make me the tool of her levity； her avarice； and her love of intrigue as long as she liked； and dismiss me whenever it suited her。 This； you see； she has done； because my intentions grew serious； and if complied with； would deprive her of THE PLEASURES OF A SINGLE LIFE！ Offer marriage to this 〃tradesman's daughter； who has as nice a sense of honour as any one can have；〃 and like Lady Bellaston in Tom Jones； she CUTS you immediately in a fit of abhorrence and alarm。 Yet she seemed to be of a different mind formerly； when struggling from me in the height of our first intimacy； she exclaimed〃However I might agree to my own ruin； I never will consent to bring disgrace upon my family！〃 That I should have spared the traitress after expressions like this； astonishes me when I look back upon it。 Yet if it were all to do over again； I know I should act just the same part。 Such is her power over me！ I cannot run the least risk of offending herI love her so。 When I look in her face； I cannot doubt her truth！ Wretched being that I am！ I have thrown away my heart and soul upon an unfeeling girl； and my life （that might have been so happy； had she been what I thought her） will soon follow either voluntarily； or by the force of grief； remorse； and disappointment。 I cannot get rid of the reflection for an instant； nor even seek relief from its galling pressure。 Ah！ what a heart she has lost！ All the love and affection of my whole life were centred in her； who alone； I thought； of all women had found out my true character； and knew how to value my tenderness。 Alas！ alas！ that this； the only hope； joy； or comfort I ever had； should turn to a mockery； and hang like an ugly film over the remainder of my days！I was at Roslin Castle yesterday。 It lies low in a rude； but sheltered valley； hid from the vulgar gaze； and powerfully reminds one of the old song。 The straggling fragments of the russet ruins； suspended smiling and graceful in the air as if they would linger out another century to please the curious beholder； the green larch…trees trembling between with the blue sky and white silver clouds； the wild mountain plants starting out here and there； the date of the year on an old low door…way； but still more； the beds of flowers in orderly decay； that seem to have no hand to tend them； but keep up a sort of traditional remembrance of civilization in former ages； present altogether a delightful and amiable subject for contemplation。 The exquisite beauty of the scene； with the thought of what I should feel； should I ever be restored to her； and have to lead her through such places as my adored； my angelwife； almost drove me beside myself。 For this picture； this ecstatic vision； what have I of late instead as the image of the reality？ Demoniacal possessions。 I see the young witch seated in another's lap； twining her serpent arms round him； her eye glancing and her cheeks on firewhy does not the hideous thought choke me？ Or why do I not go and find out the truth at once？ The moonlight streams over the silver waters： the bark is in the bay that might waft me to her； almost with a wish。 The mountain…breeze sighs out her name： old ocean with a world of tears murmurs back my woes！ Does not my heart yearn to be with her； and shall I not follow its bidding？ No； I must wait till I am free； and then I will take my Freedom （a glad prize） and lay it at her feet and tell her my proud love of her that would not brook a rival in her dishonour； and that would have her all or none； and gain her or lose myself for ever！
You see by this letter the way I am in； and I hope you will excuse it as the picture of a half…disordered mind。 The least respite from my uneasiness （such as I had yesterday） only brings the contrary reflection back upon me； like a flood； and by letting me see the happiness I have lost； makes me feel； by contrast； more acutely what I am doomed to bear。
LETTER X
Dear Friend； Here I am at St。 Bees once more； amid the scenes which I greeted in their barrenness in winter； but which have now put on their full green attire that shews luxuriant to the eye； but speaks a tale of sadness to this heart widowed of its last； its dearest； its only hope！ Oh！ lovely Bees…Inn！ here I composed a volume of law…cases； here I wrote my enamoured follies to her； thinking her human； and that 〃all below was not the fiend's〃here I got two cold； sullen answers from the little witch； and here I was … and I was damned。 I thought the revisiting the old haunts would have soothed me for a time； but it only brings back the sense of what I have suffered for her and of her unkindness the more strongly； till I cannot endure the recollection。 I eye the Heavens in dumb despair； or vent my sorrows in the desart air。 〃To the winds； to the waves； to the rocks I complain〃you may suppose with what effect！ I fear I shall be obliged to return。 I am tossed about （backwards and forwards） by my passion； so as to become ridiculous。 I can now understand how it is that mad people never remain in the same placethey are moving on for ever； FROM THEMSELVES！
Do you know； you would have been delighted with the effect of the Northern twilight on this romantic country as I rode along last night？ The hills and groves and herds of cattle were seen reposing in the grey dawn of midnight； as in a moonlight without shadow。 The whole wide canopy of Heaven shed its reflex light upon them； like a pure crystal mirror。 No sharp points； no petty details； no hard contrastsevery object was seen softened yet distinct； in its simple outline and natural tones； transparent with an inward light； breathing its own mild lustre。 The landscape altogether was like an airy piece of mosaic…work； or like one of Poussin's broad massy landscapes or Titian's lovely pastoral scenes。 Is it not so； that poets see nature； veiled to the sight； but revealed to the soul in visionary grace and grandeur！ I confess the sight touched me； and might have removed all sadness except mine。 So （I thought） the light of her celestial face once shone into my soul； and wrapt me in a heavenly trance。 The sense I have of beauty raises me for a moment above myself； but depresses me the more afterwards； when I recollect how it is thrown away in vain admiration； and that it only makes me more susceptible of pain from the mortifications I meet with。 Would I had never seen her！ I might then not indeed have been happy； but at least I might have passed my life in peace； and have sunk into forgetfulness without a pang。The noble scenery in this country mixes with my passion； and refines； but does not relieve it。 I was at Stirling Castle not long ago。 It gave me no pleasure。 The declivity seemed to me abrupt； not sublime； for in truth I did not shrink back from it with terror。 The weather…beaten towers were stiff and formal： the air was damp and chill： the river winded its dull； slimy way like a snake along the marshy grounds： and the dim misty tops of Ben Leddi； and the lovely Highlands （woven fantastically of thin air） mocked my embraces and tempted my longing eyes like her； the sole queen and mistress of my thoughts！ I never found my contemplations on this subject so subtilised and at the same time so desponding as on that occasion。 I wept myself almost blind； and I gazed at the broad golden sunset through my tears that fell in showers。 As I trod the green mountain turf； oh！ how I wished to be laid beneath itin one grave with herthat I might sleep with her in that cold bed； my hand in hers； and my heart for ever stillwhile worms should taste her sweet body； that I had never tasted！ There was a time when I could bear solitude； but it is too much for me at present。 Now I am no sooner left to myself than I am lost in infinite space； and look round me in vain for suppose or comfort。 She was my stay； my hope： without her hand to cling to； I stagger like an infant on the edge of a precipice。 The universe without her is one wide； hollow abyss； in which my harassed thoughts can find no resting…place。 I must break off here； for the hysterica passio comes upon me； and threatens to unhinge my reason。
LETTER XI
My dear and good Friend； I am afraid I trouble you with my querulous epistles； but this is probably the last。 To…morrow or the next day decides my fate with respect to the divorce； when I expect to be a free man。 In vain！ Was it not for her and to lay my freedom at her feet； that I consented to this step which has cost me infinite perplexity； and now to be discarded for the first pretender that came in her way！ If so； I hardly think I can survive it。 You who have been a favourite with women； do not know what it is to be deprived of one's only hope； and to have it turned to shame and disappointment。 There is nothing in the world left that can afford me one drop of comfortTHIS I feel more and more。 Everything is to me a mockery of pleasure； like her love。 The breeze does not cool me： the blue sky does not cheer me。 I gaze only on her face averted from mealas！ the only face that ever was turned fondly to me！ And why am I thus treated？ Because I wanted her to be mine for ever in love or friendship； and did not push my gross familiarities as far as I might。 〃Why can you not go on as we have done； and say nothing about the word； FOREVER？〃 Was it not plain from this that she even then meditated an escape from me to some less sentimental lover？ 〃Do you allow anyone else to do so？〃 I said to her once； as I was toying with her。 〃No； not now！〃 was her answer； that is； because there was nobody else in the house to take freedoms with her。 I was very well as a stopgap； but I was to be nothing more。 While the coast was clear； I had it all my own way： but the instant C came； she flung herself at his head in the most barefaced way； ran breathless up stairs before him； blushed when his foot was heard； watched for him in the passage； and was sure to be in close conference with him when he went down again。 It was then my mad proceedings commenced。 No wonder。 Had I not reason to be jealous of every appearance of familiarity with others； knowing how easy she had been with me at first； and that she only grew shy when I did not take farther liberties？ What has her character to rest upon but her attachment to me； which she now denies； not modestly； but impudently？ Will you yourself say that if she had all along no particular regard for me； she will not do as much or more with other more likely me
