the garden of allah-第92章

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meant？　He　moved　away　and　began　to　walk　up　and　down　near　to　the　two
tents。　He　did　not　know　where　Domini　was。　At　a　little　distance　he　saw
the　servants　busy　preparing　the　evening　meal。　Smoke　rose　up　before　the
cook's　tent；　curling　away　stealthily　among　a　group　of　palm　trees；
beneath　which　some　Arab　boys　were　huddled；　staring　with　wide　eyes　at
the　unusual　sight　of　travellers。　They　came　from　a　tiny　village　at　a
short　distance　off；　half　hidden　among　palm　gardens。　The　camels　were
feeding。　A　mule　was　rolling　voluptuously　in　the　sand。　At　a　well　a
shepherd　was　watering　his　flocks；　which　crowded　about　him　baaing
expectantly。　The　air　seemed　to　breathe　out　a　subtle　aroma　of　peace　and
of　liberty。　And　this　apparent　presence　of　peace；　this　vision　of　the
calm　of　others；　human　beings　and　animals；　added　to　the　torture　of
Androvsky。　As　he　walked　to　and　fro　he　felt　as　if　he　were　being
devoured　by　his　passions；　as　if　he　were　losing　the　last　vestiges　of
self…control。　Never　in　the　monastery；　never　even　in　the　night　when　he
left　it；　had　he　been　tormented　like　this。　For　now　he　had　a　terrible
companion　whom；　at　that　time；　he　had　not　known。　Memory　walked　with　him
before　the　tents；　the　memory　of　his　body；　recalling　and　calling　for
the　past。

He　had　destroyed　that　past　himself。　But　for　him　it　might　have　been
also　the　present；　the　future。　It　might　have　lasted　for　years；　perhaps
till　death　took　him　or　Domini。　Why　not？　He　had　only　had　to　keep
silence；　to　insist　on　remaining　in　the　desert；　far　from　the　busy　ways
of　men。　They　could　have　lived　as　certain　others　lived；　who　loved　the
free；　the　solitary　life；　in　an　oasis　of　their　own；　tending　their
gardens　of　palms。　Life　would　have　gone　like　a　sunlit　dream。　And　death？
At　that　thought　he　shuddered。　Deathwhat　would　that　have　been　to　him？
What　would　it　be　now　when　it　came？　He　put　the　thought　from　him　with
force；　as　a　man　thrusts　away　from　him　the　filthy　hand　of　a　clamouring
stranger　assailing　him　in　the　street。

This　evening　he　had　no　time　to　think　of　death。　Life　was　enough；　life
with　this　terror　which　he　had　deliberately　placed　in　it。

He　thought　of　himself　as　a　madman　for　having　spoken　to　Domini。　He
cursed　himself　as　a　madman。　For　he　knew；　although　he　strove　furiously
not　to　know；　how　irrevocable　was　his　act；　in　consequence　of　the　great
strength　of　her　nature。　He　knew　that　though　she　had　been　to　him　a
woman　of　fire　she　might　be　to　him　a　woman　of　ironeven　to　him　whom
she　loved。

How　she　had　loved　him！

He　walked　faster　before　the　tents；　to　and　fro。

How　she　had　loved　him！　How　she　loved　him　still；　at　this　moment　after
she　knew　what　he　was；　what　he　had　done　to　her。　He　had　no　doubt　of　her
love　as　he　walked　there。　He　felt　it；　like　a　tender　hand　upon　him。　But
that　hand　was　inflexible　too。　In　its　softness　there　was　firmness
firmness　that　would　never　yield　to　any　strength　in　him。

Those　two　tents　told　him　the　story　of　her　strength。　As　he　looked　at
them　he　was　looking　into　her　soul。　And　her　soul　was　in　direct　conflict
with　his。　That　was　what　he　felt。　She　had　thought；　she　had　made　up　her
mind。　Quietly；　silently　she　had　acted。　By　that　action；　without　a　word；
she　had　spoken　to　him；　told　him　a　tremendous　thing。　And　the　manthe
passionate　man　who　had　left　the　monasteryloose　in　him　now　was　aflame
with　an　impotent　desire　that　was　like　a　heat　of　fury　against　her；
while　the　monk；　hidden　far　down　in　him；　was　secretly　worshipping　her
cleanliness　of　spirit。

But　the　man　who　had　left　the　monastery　was　in　the　ascendant　in　him；
and　at　last　drove　him　to　a　determination　that　the　monk　secretly　knew
to　be　utterly　vain。　He　made　up　his　mind　to　enter　into　conflict　with
Domini's　strength。　He　felt　that　he　must；　that　he　could　not　quietly；
without　a　word；　accept　this　sudden　new　life　of　separation　symbolised
for　him　by　the　two　tents　standing　apart。

He　stood　still。　In　the　distance；　under　the　palms；　he　saw　Batouch
laughing　with　Ouardi。　Near　them　Ali　was　reposing　on　a　mat；　moving　his
head　from　side　to　side；　smiling　with　half…shut；　vacant　eyes；　and
singing　a　languid　song。

This　music　maddened　him。

〃Batouch！〃　he　called　out　sharply。　〃Batouch！〃

Batouch　stopped　laughing；　glanced　round；　then　came　towards　him　with　a
large　pace；　swinging　from　his　hips。

〃Monsieur？〃

〃Batouch！〃　Androvsky　said。

But　he　could　not　go　on。　He　could　not　say　anything　about　the　two　tents
to　a　servant。

〃Wherewhere　is　Madame？〃　he　said　almost　stammering。

〃Out　there；　Monsieur。〃

With　a　sweeping　arm　the　poet　pointed　towards　a　hump　of　sand　crowned　by
a　few　palms。　Domini　was　sitting　there；　surrounded　by　Arab　children；　to
whom　she　was　giving　sweets　out　of　a　box。　As　Androvsky　saw　her　the
anger　in　him　burnt　up　more　fiercely。　This　action　of　Domini's；　simple；
natural　though　it　was；　seemed　to　him　in　his　present　condition　cruelly
heartless。　He　thought　of　her　giving　the　order　about　the　tents　and　then
going　calmly　to　play　with　these　children；　while　hewhile　he

〃You　can　go；　Batouch；〃　he　said。　〃Go　away。〃

The　poet　stared　at　him　with　a　superb　surprise；　then　moved　slowly
towards　Ouardi；　holding　his　burnous　with　his　large　hands。

Androvsky　looked　again　at　the　two　tents　as　a　man　looks　at　two　enemies。
Then；　walking　quickly；　he　went　towards　the　hump　of　sand。　As　he
approached　it　Domini　had　her　side　face　turned　towards　him。　She　did　not
see　him。　The　little　Arabs　were　dancing　round　her　on　their　naked　feet；
laughing；　showing　their　white　teeth　and　opening　their　mouths　wide　for
the　sugar…plumsgaiety　incarnate。　Androvsky　gazed　at　the　woman　who
was　causing　this　childish　joy；　and　he　saw　a　profound　sadness。　Never
had　he　seen　Domini's　face　look　like　this。　It　was　always　white；　but　now
its　whiteness　was　like　a　whiteness　of　marble。　She　moved　her　head；
turning　to　feed　one　of　the　little　gaping　mouths；　and　he　saw　her　eyes；
tearless；　but　sadder　than　if　they　had　been　full　of　tears。　She　was
looking　at　these　children　as　a　mother　looks　at　her　children　who　are
fatherless。　He　did　nothow　could　he？understand　the　look；　but　it
went　to　his　heart。　He　stopped；　watching。　One　of　the　children　saw　him；
shrieked；　pointed。　Domini　glanced　round。　As　she　saw　him　she　smiled；
threw　the　last　sugar…plums　and　came　towards　him。

〃Do　you　want　me？〃　she　said；　coming　up　to　him。

His　lips　trembled。

〃Yes；〃　he　said；　〃I　want　you。〃

Something　in　his　voice　seemed　to　startle　her；　but　she　said　nothing
more；　only　stood　looking　at　him。　The　children；　who　had　followed　her；
crowded　round　them；　touching　their　clothes　curiously。

〃Send　them　away；〃　he　said。

She　made　the　children　go；　pushing　them　gently；　pointing　to　the
village；　and　showing　the　empty　box　to　them。　Reluctantly　at　last　they
went　towards　the　village；　turning　their　heads　to　stare　at　her　till
they　were　a　long　way　off；　then　holding　up　their　skirts　and　racing　for
the　houses。

〃DominiDomini；〃　he　said。　〃You　canyou　can　play　with　children
to…day。〃

〃I　wanted　to　feel　I　could　give　a　little　happiness　to…day；〃　she
answered〃even　to…day。〃

〃To…day　whenwhen　to　meto　meyou　are　giving〃

But　before　her　steady　gaze　all　the　words　he　had　meant　to　say；　all　the
words　of　furious　protest；　died　on　his　lips。

〃To　meto　me〃　he　repeated。

Then　he　was　silent。

〃Boris；〃　she　said；　〃I　want　to　give　you　one　thing；　the　thing　that　you
have　lost。　I　want　to　give　you　back　peace。〃

〃You　never　can。〃

〃I　must　try。　Even　if　I　cannot　I　shall　know　that　I　have　tried。〃

〃You　are　giving　meyou　are　giving　me　not　peace；　but　a　sword；〃　he
said。

She　understood　that　he　had　seen　the　two　tents。

〃Sometimes　a　sword　can　give　peace。〃

〃The　peace　of　death。〃

〃Borismy　dear　onethere　are　many　kinds　of　deaths。　Try　to　trust　me。
Leave　me　to　act　as　I　must　act。　Let　me　try　to　be　guidedonly　let　me
try。〃

He　did　not　say　another　word。

That　night　they　slept　apart　for　the　first　time　since　their　marriage。

〃Domini；　where　are　you　taking　me？　Where　are　we　going？〃

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The　camp　was　struck　once　more　and　they　were　riding　through　the　desert。
Domini　hesitated　to　answer　his　question。　It　had　been　put　with　a　sort
of　terror。

〃I　know　nothing；〃　he　continued。　〃I　am　in　your　hands　like　a　child。　It
cannot　be　always　so。　I　must　know；　I　must　understand。　What　is　our　life
to　be？　What　is　our　future？　A　man　cannot〃

He　paused。　Then　he　said：

〃I　feel　that　you　have　come　to　some　resolve。　I　feel　it　perpetually。　It
is　as　if　you　were　in　light　and　I　in　darkness；　you　in　knowledge　and　I
in　ignorance。　Youyou　must　tell　me。　I　have　told　you　all　now。　You　must
tell　me。〃

But　she　hesitated。

〃Not　now；〃　she　answered。　〃Not　yet。〃

〃We　are　to　journey　on　day　by　day　like　this；　and　I　am　not　to　know　where
we　are　going！　I　cannot；　DominiI　will　not。〃

〃Boris；　I　shall　tell　you。〃

〃When？〃

〃Will　you　trust　me；　Boris；　completely？　Can　you？〃

〃How？〃

〃Boris；　I　have　prayed　so　much　for　you　that　at　last　I　feel　that　I　can
act　for　you。　Don't　think　me　presumptuous。　If　you　could　see　into　my
heart　you　would　see　thatindeed；　I　don't　think　it　would　be　possible
to　feel　more　humble　than　I　do　in　regard　to　you。〃

〃Humbleyou；　Domini！　You　can　feel　humble　when　you　think　of　me；　when
you　are　with　me。〃

〃Yes。　You　have　suffered　so　terribly。　God　has　led　you。　I　feel　that　He
has　beenoh；　I　don't　know　how　to　say　it　quite　naturally；　quite　as　I
feel　itthat　He　has　been　more　intent　on　you　than　on　anyone　I　have
ever　known。　I　feel　that　His　meaning　in　regarding　to　you　is　intense；
Boris；　as　if　He　would　not　let　you　go。〃

〃He　let　me　go　when　I　left　the　monastery。〃

〃Does　one　never　return？〃

Again　a　sensation　almost　of　terror　assailed　him。　He　felt　as　if　he　were
fighting　in　darkness　something　that　he　could　not　see。

〃Return！〃　he　said。　〃What　do　you　mean？〃

She　saw　the　expression　of　almost　angry　fear　in　his　face。　It　warned　her
not　to　give　the　reins　to　her　natural　impulse；　which　was　always　towards
a　great　frankness。

〃Boris；　you　fled　from　God；　but　do　you　not　think　it　possible　that　you
could　ever　return　to　Him？　Have　you　not　taken　the　first　step？　Have　you
not　prayed？〃　His　face　changed；　grew　slightly　calmer。

〃You　told　me　I　could　pray；〃　he　answered；　almost　like　a　child。
〃Otherwise　II　should　not　have　dared　to。　I　should　have　felt　that　I
was　insulting　God。〃

〃If　you　trusted　me　in　such　a　thing；　can　you　not　trust　me　now？〃

〃But〃he　said　uneasily〃but　this　is　different；　a　worldly　matter；　a
matter　of　daily　life。　I　shall　have　to　know。〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Then　why　should　I　not　know　now？　At　any　moment　I　could　ask　Batouch。〃

〃Batouch　only　knows　from　day　to　day。　I　have　a　map　of　the　desert。　I　got
it　before　we　left　Beni…Mora。〃

Somethingperhaps　a　very　slight　hesitation　in　her　voice　just　before
she　said　the　last　wordsstartled　him。　He　turned　on　his　horse　and
looked　at　her　hard。

〃Domini；〃　he　said；　〃are　wewe　are　not　going　back　to　Beni…Mora？〃

〃I　will　tell　you　to…night；〃　she　replied　in　a　low　voice。　〃Let　me　tell
you　tonight。〃

He　said　no　more；　but　he　gazed　at　her　for　a　long　time　as　if　striving
passionately　to　read　her　thoughts。　But　he　could　not。　Her　white　face
was　calm；　and　she　rode　looking　straight　before　her；　as　one　that　looked
towards　some　distant　goal　to　which　all　her　soul　was　journeying　with
her　body。　There　was　something　mystical　in　her　face；　in　that　straight；
far…seeing　glance；　that　surely　pierced　beyond　the　blue　horizon　line
and　reached　a　fa