the garden of allah-第94章

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ever　know。　Youmust　not　makemake　things　impossible　for　me。　I　am
tryingvery　hardtoI'myou　must　not　touch　me　to…night；　Boris。〃

She　drew　a　little　farther　away　from　him。　A　faint　breath　of　air　made
the　leaves　of　the　palm　trees　rustle　slightly；　made　the　reeds　move　for
an　instant　by　the　pool。　He　laid　his　hand　again　on　the　wall　from　which
he　had　lifted　it。　There　was　a　pleading　sound　in　her　voice　which　made
him　feel　as　if　it　were　speaking　close　against　his　heart。

〃I　said　I　would　tell　you　to…night　where　we　are　going。〃

〃Tell　me　now。〃

〃We　are　going　back　to　Beni…Mora。　We　are　not　very　far　off　from　Beni…
Mora　to…nightnot　very　far。〃

〃We　are　going　to　Beni…Mora！〃　he　repeated　in　a　dull　voice。　〃We　are〃

He　sat　up　on　the　wall；　looking　straight　into　her　face。

〃Why？〃　he　said。　His　voice　was　sharp　now；　sharp　with　fear。

〃Boris；　do　you　want　to　be　at　peace；　not　with　me；　but　with　God？　Do　you
want　to　get　rid　of　your　burden　of　misery；　which　increasesI　know　it
day　by　day？〃

〃How　can　I？〃　he　said　hopelessly。

〃Isn't　expiation　the　only　way？　I　think　it　is。〃

〃Expiation！　Howhow　canI　can　never　expiate　my　sin。〃

〃There's　no　sin　that　cannot　be　expiated。　God　isn't　merciless。　Come
back　with　me　to　Beni…Mora。　That　little　churchwhere　you　married　me
come　back　to　it　with　me。　You　could　not　confess　to　theto　Father
Beret。　I　feel　as　if　I　knew　why。　Where　you　married　me　you　willyou
mustmake　your　confession。〃

〃To　the　priest　whoto　Father　Roubier！〃

There　was　fierce　protest　in　his　voice。

〃It　does　not　matter　who　is　the　priest　who　will　receive　your
confession。　Only　make　it　theremake　it　in　the　church　at　Beni…Mora
where　you　married　me。〃

〃That　was　your　purpose！　That　is　where　you　are　taking　me！　I　can't　go；　I
won't！　Domini；　think　what　you　are　doing！　You　are　asking　too　much〃

〃I　feel　that　God　is　asking　that　of　you。　Don't　refuse　Him。〃

〃I　cannot　goat　Beni…Mora　where　wewhere　everything　will　remind
us〃

〃Ah；　don't　you　think　I　shall　feel　it　too？　Don't　you　think　I　shall
suffer？〃

He　felt　horribly　ashamed　when　she　said　that；　bowed　down　with　an
overwhelming　weight　of　shame。

〃But　our　lives〃he　stammered〃butif　I　goafterwardsif　I　make　my
confessionafterwardsafterwards？〃

〃Isn't　it　enough　to　think　of　that　one　thing？　Isn't　it　better　to　put
everything　else；　every　other　thought；　away？　It　seems　so　clear　to　me
that　we　should　go　to　Beni…Mora。　I　feel　as　if　I　had　been　toldas　a
child　is　told　to　do　something　by　its　father。〃

She　looked　up　into　the　clear　sky。

〃I　am　sure　I　have　been　told；〃　she　added。　〃I　know　I　have。〃

There　was　a　long　silence　between　them。　Androvsky　felt　that　he　did　not
dare　to　break　it。　Something　in　Domini's　face　and　voice　cast　out　from
him　the　instinct　of　revolt；　of　protest。　He　began　to　feel　exhausted；
without　power；　like　a　sick　man　who　is　being　carried　by　bearers　in　a
litter；　and　who　looks　at　the　landscape　through　which　he　is　passing
with　listless　eyes；　and　who　scarcely　has　the　force　to　care　whither　he
is　being　borne。

〃Domini；〃　he　said　at　last；　and　his　voice　sounded　very　tired；　〃if　you
say　I　must　go　to　Beni…Mora　I　will　go。　I　have　done　you　a　great　wrong
andand〃

〃Don't　think　of　me　any　more；〃　she　said。　〃Thinkthink　as　I　doof
of　What　am　I？　I　have　loved　you；　I　shall　always　love　you；　but　I　am
as　you　are；　here　for　a　little　while；　elsewhere　for　all　eternity。　You
told　himthat　man　in　the　monasterythat　we　are　shadows　set　in　a
world　of　shadows。〃

〃That　was　a　lie；〃　he　interrupted；　and　the　weariness　had　gone　out　of
his　voice。　〃When　I　said　that　I　had　never　loved；　I　had　never　loved
you。〃

〃Or　was　it　a　half…truth？　Aren't　we；　perhaps；　shadow　now　in　comparison
comparison　to　what　we　shall　be？　Isn't　this　world；　even　thisthis
desert；　this　pool　with　the　light　on　it；　this　silence　of　the　night
around　usisn't　all　this　a　shadow　in　comparison　to　the　world　where　we
are　going；　you　and　I？　Boris；　I　think　if　we　are　brave　now　we　shall　be
together　in　that　world。　But　if　we　are　cowards　now；　I　think；　I　am　sure；
that　in　that　worldthe　real　worldwe　shall　be　separated　for　ever。
You　and　I；　whatever　we　may　be；　whatever　we　may　have　done；　at　least　are
one　thingwe　are　believers。　We　don't　think　this　is　all。　If　we　did　it
would　be　different。　But　we　can't　change　the　truth　that　is　in　our
souls；　and　as　we　can't　change　it　we　must　live　by　it；　we　must　act　by
it。　We　can't　do　anything　else。　I　can'tand　you？　Don't　you　feel；　don't
you　know；　that　you　can't？〃

〃To…night；〃　he　said；　〃I　feel　that　I　know　nothingnothing　except　that
I　am　suffering。〃

His　voice　broke　on　the　last　words。　Tears　were　shining　in　his　eyes。
After　a　long　silence　he　said：

〃Domini；　take　me　where　you　will。　If　it　is　to　Beni…Mora　I　will　go。　But
butafterwards？〃

〃Afterwards〃　she　said。

Then　she　stopped。

The　little　note　of　the　frog　sounded　again　and　again　by　the　still　water
among　the　reeds。　The　moon　was　higher　in　the　sky。　〃Don't　let　us　think
of　afterwards；　Boris；〃　she　said　at　length。　〃That　song　we　have　heard
together；　that　song　we　love'No　one　but　God　and　I　knows　what　is　in　my
heart。'　I　hear　it　now　so　often；　always　almost。　It　seems　to　gather
meaning；　it　seems　toGod　knows　what　is　in　your　heart　and　mine。　He
will　take　care　of　theafterwards。　Perhaps　in　our　hearts　already　He
has　put　a　secret　knowledge　of　the　end。〃

〃Has　Hehas　He　put　itthat　knowledgeinto　yours？〃

〃Hush！〃　she　said。

They　spoke　no　more　that　night。



CHAPTER　XXIX

The　caravan　of　Domini　and　Androvsky　was　leaving　Arba。

Already　the　tents　and　the　attendants；　with　the　camels　and　the　mules；
were　winding　slowly　along　the　plain　through　the　scrub　in　the　direction
of　the　mountains；　and　the　dark　shadow　which　indicated　the　oasis　of
Beni…Mora。　Batouch　was　with　them。　Domini　and　Androvsky　were　going　to
be　alone　on　this　last　stage　of　their　desert　journey。　They　had　mounted
their　horses　before　the　great　door　of　the　bordj；　said　goodbye　to　the
Sheikh　of　Arba；　scattered　some　money　among　the　ragged　Arabs　gathered
to　watch　them　go；　and　cast　one　last　look　behind　them。

In　that　mutual；　instinctive　look　back　they　were　both　bidding　a　silent
farewell　to　the　desert；　that　had　sheltered　their　passion；　surely　taken
part　in　the　joy　of　their　love；　watched　the　sorrow　and　the　terror　grow
in　it　to　the　climax　at　Amara；　and　was　now　whispering　to　them　a　faint
and　mysterious　farewell。

To　Domini　the　desert　had　always　been　as　a　great　and　significant
personality；　a　personality　that　had　called　her　persistently　to　come　to
it。　Now；　as　she　turned　on　her　horse；　she　felt　as　if　it　were　calling
her　no　longer；　as　if　its　mission　to　her　were　accomplished；　as　if　its
voice　had　sunk　into　a　deep　and　breathless　silence。　She　wondered　if
Androvsky　felt　this　too；　but　she　did　not　ask　him。　His　face　was　pale
and　severe。　His　eyes　stared　into　the　distance。　His　hands　lay　on　his
horse's　neck　like　tired　things　with　no　more　power　to　grip　and　hold。
His　lips　were　slightly　parted；　and　she　heard　the　sound　of　his　breath
coming　and　going　like　the　breath　of　a　man　who　is　struggling。　This
sound　warned　her　not　to　try　his　strength　or　hers。

〃Come；　Boris；〃　she　said；　and　her　voice　held　none　of　the　passionate
regret　that　was　in　her　heart；　〃we　mustn't　linger；　or　it　will　be　night
before　we　reach　Beni…Mora。〃

〃Let　it　be　night；〃　he　said。　〃Dark　night！〃

The　horses　moved　slowly　on；　descending　the　hill　on　which　stood　the
bordj。

〃Darkdark　night！〃　he　said　again。

She　said　nothing。　They　rode　into　the　plain。　When　they　were　there　he
said：

〃Domini；　do　you　understanddo　you　realise？〃

〃What；　Boris？〃　she　asked　quietly。

〃All　that　we　are　leaving　to…day？〃

〃Yes；　I　understand。〃

〃Are　weare　we　leaving　it　for　ever？〃

〃We　must　not　think　of　that。〃

〃How　can　we　help　it？　What　else　can　we　think　of？　Can　one　govern　the
mind？〃

〃Surely；　if　we　can　govern　the　heart。〃

〃Sometimes；〃　he　said；　〃sometimes　I　wonder〃

He　looked　at　her。　Something　in　her　face　made　it　impossible　for　him　to
go　on；　to　say　what　he　had　been　going　to　say。　But　she　understood　the
unfinished　sentence。

〃If　you　can　wonder；　Boris；〃　she　said；　〃you　don't　know　me；　you　don't
know　me　at　all！〃

〃Domini；〃　he　said；　〃I　don't　wonder。　But　sometimes　I　understand　your
strength；　and　sometimes　it　seems　to　me　scarcely　human；　scarcely　the
strength　of　a　woman。〃

She　lifted　her　whip　and　pointed　to　the　dark　shadow　far　away。

〃I　can　just　see　the　tower；〃　she　said。　〃Can't　you？〃

〃I　will　not　look；〃　he　said。　〃I　cannot。　If　you　can；　you　are　stronger
than　I。　When　I　remember　that　it　was　on　that　tower　you　first　spoke　to
meoh；　Domini；　if　we　could　only　go　back！　It　is　in　our　power。　We　have
only　to　draw　a　rein　andand〃

〃I　look　at　the　tower；〃　she　said；　〃as　once　I　looked　at　the　desert。　It
calls　us；　the　shadow　of　the　palm　trees　calls　us；　as　once　the　desert
did。〃

〃But　the　voicewhat　a　different　voice！　Can　you　listen　to　it？〃

〃I　have　been　listening　to　it　ever　since　we　left　Amara。　Yes；　it　is　a
different　voice；　but　we　must　obey　it　as　we　obeyed　the　voice　of　the
desert。　Don't　you　feel　that？〃

〃If　I　do　it　is　because　you　tell　me　to　feel　it；　you　tell　me　that　I　must
feel　it。〃

His　words　seemed　to　hurt　her。　An　expression　of　pain　came　into　her
face。

〃Boris；〃　she　said；　〃don't　make　me　regret　too　terribly　that　I　ever　came
into　your　life。　When　you　speak　like　that　I　feel　almost　as　if　you　were
putting　me　in　the　place　ofofI　feel　as　if　you　were　depending　upon
me　for　everything　that　you　are　doing；　as　if　you　were　letting　your　own
will　fall　asleep。　The　desert　brings　dreams。　I　know　that。　But　we；　you
and　I；　we　must　not　dream　any　more。〃

〃A　dream；　you　call　itthe　life　we　have　lived　together；　our　desert
life？〃

〃Boris；　I　only　mean　that　we　must　live　strongly　now；　act　strongly　now；
that　we　must　be　brave。　I　have　always　felt　that　there　was　strength　in
you。〃

〃Strength！〃　he　said　bitterly。

〃Yes。　Otherwise　I　could　never　have　loved　you。　Don't　ever　prove　to　me
that　I　was　utterly　wrong。　I　can　bear　a　great　deal。　But　thatI　don't
feel　as　if　I　could　bear　that。〃

After　a　moment　he　answered：

〃I　will　try　to　give　you　nothing　more　to　bear　for　me。〃

And　he　lifted　his　eyes　and　fixed　them　upon　the　tower　with　a　sort　of
stern　intentness；　as　a　man　looks　at　something　cruel；　terrible。

She　saw　him　do　this。

〃Let　us　ride　quicker；〃　she　said。　〃To…night　we　must　be　in　Beni…Mora。〃

He　said　nothing；　but　he　touched　his　horse　with　his　heel。　His　eyes　were
always　fixed　upon　the　tower；　as　if　they　feared　to　look　at　the　desert
any　more。　She　understood　that　when　he　had　said　〃I　will　try　to　give　you
nothing　more　to　bear　for　me；〃　he　had　not　spoken　idly。　He　had　waked　up
from　the　egoism　of　his　despair。　He　had　been　able　to　see　more　clearly
into　her　heart；　to　feel　more　rightly　what　she　was　feeling　than　he　had
before。　As　she　watched　him　watching　the　tower；　she　had　a　sensation
that　a　bond；　a　new　bond　between　them；　was　chaining　them　together　in　a
new　way。　Was　it　not　a　bond　that　would　be　strong　and　lasting；　that　the
future；　whatever　it　held；　would　not　be　able　to　break？　Ties；　sacred
ties；　that　had　bound　them　together　might；　must；　be　snapped　asunder。
And　the　end　was　not　yet。　She　saw；　as　she　gazed　at　the　darkness　of　the
palms　of　Beni…Mora；　a　greater　darkness　approaching；　deeper　than　any
darkness　of　palms；　than　any　darkness　of　night。　But　now　she　saw　also　a
ray　of　light　in　the　gloom；　the　light　of　the　dawning　strength；　the
dawnin