the uncommercial traveller-第29章

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man　of　sleep　brought　him　a　pint　of　hot　tea；　a　small　loaf；　and　a

large　knife　and　fork　and　plate。　　Left　to　himself　in　his　box；　he

stood　the　pudding　on　the　bare　table；　and；　instead　of　cutting　it；

stabbed　it；　overhand；　with　the　knife；　like　a　mortal　enemy；　then

took　the　knife　out；　wiped　it　on　his　sleeve；　tore　the　pudding

asunder　with　his　fingers；　and　ate　it　all　up。　　The　remembrance　of

this　man　with　the　pudding　remains　with　me　as　the　remembrance　of　the

most　spectral　person　my　houselessness　encountered。　　Twice　only　was

I　in　that　establishment；　and　twice　I　saw　him　stalk　in　（as　I　should

say；　just　out　of　bed；　and　presently　going　back　to　bed）；　take　out

his　pudding；　stab　his　pudding；　wipe　the　dagger；　and　eat　his　pudding

all　up。　　He　was　a　man　whose　figure　promised　cadaverousness；　but　who

had　an　excessively　red　face；　though　shaped　like　a　horse's。　　On　the

second　occasion　of　my　seeing　him；　he　said　huskily　to　the　man　of

sleep；　'Am　I　red　to…night？'　　'You　are；'　he　uncompromisingly

answered。　　'My　mother；'　said　the　spectre；　'was　a　red…faced　woman

that　liked　drink；　and　I　looked　at　her　hard　when　she　laid　in　her

coffin；　and　I　took　the　complexion。'　　Somehow；　the　pudding　seemed　an

unwholesome　pudding　after　that；　and　I　put　myself　in　its　way　no

more。



When　there　was　no　market；　or　when　I　wanted　variety；　a　railway

terminus　with　the　morning　mails　coming　in；　was　remunerative

company。　　But　like　most　of　the　company　to　be　had　in　this　world；　it

lasted　only　a　very　short　time。　　The　station　lamps　would　burst　out

ablaze；　the　porters　would　emerge　from　places　of　concealment；　the

cabs　and　trucks　would　rattle　to　their　places　（the　post…office　carts

were　already　in　theirs）；　and；　finally；　the　bell　would　strike　up；

and　the　train　would　come　banging　in。　　But　there　were　few　passengers

and　little　luggage；　and　everything　scuttled　away　with　the　greatest

expedition。　　The　locomotive　post…offices；　with　their　great　nets　…

as　if　they　had　been　dragging　the　country　for　bodies　…　would　fly

open　as　to　their　doors；　and　would　disgorge　a　smell　of　lamp；　an

exhausted　clerk；　a　guard　in　a　red　coat；　and　their　bags　of　letters；

the　engine　would　blow　and　heave　and　perspire；　like　an　engine　wiping

its　forehead　and　saying　what　a　run　it　had　had；　and　within　ten

minutes　the　lamps　were　out；　and　I　was　houseless　and　alone　again。



But　now；　there　were　driven　cattle　on　the　high　road　near；　wanting

（as　cattle　always　do）　to　turn　into　the　midst　of　stone　walls；　and

squeeze　themselves　through　six　inches'　width　of　iron　railing；　and

getting　their　heads　down　（also　as　cattle　always　do）　for　tossing…

purchase　at　quite　imaginary　dogs；　and　giving　themselves　and　every

devoted　creature　associated　with　them　a　most　extraordinary　amount

of　unnecessary　trouble。　　Now；　too；　the　conscious　gas　began　to　grow

pale　with　the　knowledge　that　daylight　was　coming；　and　straggling

workpeople　were　already　in　the　streets；　and；　as　waking　life　had

become　extinguished　with　the　last　pieman's　sparks；　so　it　began　to

be　rekindled　with　the　fires　of　the　first　street…corner　breakfast…

sellers。　　And　so　by　faster　and　faster　degrees；　until　the　last

degrees　were　very　fast；　the　day　came；　and　I　was　tired　and　could

sleep。　　And　it　is　not；　as　I　used　to　think；　going　home　at　such

times；　the　least　wonderful　thing　in　London；　that　in　the　real　desert

region　of　the　night；　the　houseless　wanderer　is　alone　there。　　I　knew

well　enough　where　to　find　Vice　and　Misfortune　of　all　kinds；　if　I

had　chosen；　but　they　were　put　out　of　sight；　and　my　houselessness

had　many　miles　upon　miles　of　streets　in　which　it　could；　and　did；

have　its　own　solitary　way。







CHAPTER　XIV　…　CHAMBERS







Having　occasion　to　transact　some　business　with　a　solicitor　who

occupies　a　highly　suicidal　set　of　chambers　in　Gray's　Inn；　I

afterwards　took　a　turn　in　the　large　square　of　that　stronghold　of

Melancholy；　reviewing；　with　congenial　surroundings；　my　experiences

of　Chambers。



I　began；　as　was　natural；　with　the　Chambers　I　had　just　left。　　They

were　an　upper　set　on　a　rotten　staircase；　with　a　mysterious　bunk　or

bulkhead　on　the　landing　outside　them；　of　a　rather　nautical　and

Screw　Collier…like　appearance　than　otherwise；　and　painted　an

intense　black。　　Many　dusty　years　have　passed　since　the

appropriation　of　this　Davy　Jones's　locker　to　any　purpose；　and

during　the　whole　period　within　the　memory　of　living　man；　it　has

been　hasped　and　padlocked。　　I　cannot　quite　satisfy　my　mind　whether

it　was　originally　meant　for　the　reception　of　coals；　or　bodies；　or

as　a　place　of　temporary　security　for　the　plunder　'looted'　by

laundresses；　but　I　incline　to　the　last　opinion。　　It　is　about　breast

high；　and　usually　serves　as　a　bulk　for　defendants　in　reduced

circumstances　to　lean　against　and　ponder　at；　when　they　come　on　the

hopeful　errand　of　trying　to　make　an　arrangement　without　money　…

under　which　auspicious　circumstances　it　mostly　happens　that　the

legal　gentleman　they　want　to　see；　is　much　engaged；　and　they　pervade

the　staircase　for　a　considerable　period。　　Against　this　opposing

bulk；　in　the　absurdest　manner；　the　tomb…like　outer　door　of　the

solicitor's　chambers　（which　is　also　of　an　intense　black）　stands　in

dark　ambush；　half　open；　and　half　shut；　all　day。　　The　solicitor's

apartments　are　three　in　number；　consisting　of　a　slice；　a　cell；　and

a　wedge。　　The　slice　is　assigned　to　the　two　clerks；　the　cell　is

occupied　by　the　principal；　and　the　wedge　is　devoted　to　stray

papers；　old　game　baskets　from　the　country；　a　washing…stand；　and　a

model　of　a　patent　Ship's　Caboose　which　was　exhibited　in　Chancery　at

the　commencement　of　the　present　century　on　an　application　for　an

injunction　to　restrain　infringement。　　At　about　half…past　nine　on

every　week…day　morning；　the　younger　of　the　two　clerks　（who；　I　have

reason　to　believe；　leads　the　fashion　at　Pentonville　in　the　articles

of　pipes　and　shirts）　may　be　found　knocking　the　dust　out　of　his

official　door…key　on　the　bunk　or　locker　before　mentioned；　and　so

exceedingly　subject　to　dust　is　his　key；　and　so　very　retentive　of

that　superfluity；　that　in　exceptional　summer　weather　when　a　ray　of

sunlight　has　fallen　on　the　locker　in　my　presence；　I　have　noticed

its　inexpressive　countenance　to　be　deeply　marked　by　a　kind　of

Bramah　erysipelas　or　small…pox。



This　set　of　chambers　（as　I　have　gradually　discovered；　when　I　have

had　restless　occasion　to　make　inquiries　or　leave　messages；　after

office　hours）　is　under　the　charge　of　a　lady　named　Sweeney；　in

figure　extremely　like　an　old　family…umbrella：　　whose　dwelling

confronts　a　dead　wall　in　a　court　off　Gray's　Inn…lane；　and　who　is

usually　fetched　into　the　passage　of　that　bower；　when　wanted；　from

some　neighbouring　home　of　industry；　which　has　the　curious　property

of　imparting　an　inflammatory　appearance　to　her　visage。　　Mrs。

Sweeney　is　one　of　the　race　of　professed　laundresses；　and　is　the

compiler　of　a　remarkable　manuscript　volume　entitled　'Mrs。　Sweeney's

Book；'　from　which　much　curious　statistical　information　may　be

gathered　respecting　the　high　prices　and　small　uses　of　soda；　soap；

sand；　firewood；　and　other　such　articles。　　I　have　created　a　legend

in　my　mind　…　and　consequently　I　believe　it　with　the　utmost

pertinacity　…　that　the　late　Mr。　Sweeney　was　a　ticket…porter　under

the　Honourable　Society　of　Gray's　Inn；　and　that；　in　consideration　of

his　long　and　valuable　services；　Mrs。　Sweeney　was　appointed　to　her

present　post。　　For；　though　devoid　of　personal　charms；　I　have

observed　this　lady　to　exercise　a　fascination　over　the　elderly

ticker…porter　mind　（particularly　under　the　gateway；　and　in　corners

and　entries）；　which　I　can　only　refer　to　her　being　one　of　the

fraternity；　yet　not　competing　with　it。　　All　that　need　be　said

concerning　this　set　of　chambers；　is　said；　when　I　have　added　that　it

is　in　a　large　double　house　in　Gray's　Inn…square；　very　much　out　of

repair；　and　that　the　outer　portal　is　ornamented　in　a　hideous　manner

with　certain　stone　remains；　which　have　the　appearance　of　the

dismembered　bust；　torso；　and　limbs　of　a　petrified　bencher。



Indeed；　I　look　upon　Gray's　Inn　generally　as　one　of　the　most

depressing　institutions　in　brick　and　mortar；　known　to　the　children

of　men。　　Can　anything　be　more　dreary　than　its　arid　Square；　Sahara

Desert　of　the　law；　with　the　ugly　old　tiled…topped　tenements；　the

dirty　windows；　the　bills　To　Let；　To　Let；　the　door…posts　inscribed

like　gravestones；　the　crazy　gateway　giving　upon　the　filthy　Lane；

the　scowling；　iron…barred　prison…like　passage　into　Verulam…

buildings；　the　mouldy　red…nosed　ticket…porters　with　little　coffin

plates；　and　why　with　aprons；　the　dry；　hard；　atomy…like　appearance

of　the　whole　dust…heap？　　When　my　uncommercial　travels　tend　to　this

dismal　spot；　my　comfort　is　its　rickety　state。　　Imagination　gloats

over　the　fulness　of　time　when　the　staircases　shall　have　quite

tumbled　down　…　they　are　daily　wearing　into　an　ill…savoured　powder；

but　have　not　quite　tumbled　down　yet　…　when　the　last　old　prolix

bencher　all　of　the　olden　time；　shall　have　been　got　out　of　an　upper

window　by　means　of　a　Fire　Ladder；　and　carried　off　to　the　Holborn

Union；　when　the　last　clerk　shall　have　engrossed　the　last　parchment

behind　the　last　splash　on　the　last　of　the　mud…stained　windows；

which；　all　through　the　miry　year；　are　pilloried　out　of　recognition

in　Gray's　Inn…lane。　　Then；　shall　a　squalid　little　trench；　with　rank

grass　and　a　pump　in　it；　lying　between　the　coffee…house　and　South…

square；　be　wholly　given　up　to　cats　and　rats；　and　not；　as　now；　have

its　empire　divided　between　those　animals　and　a　few　briefless　bipeds

…　surely　called　to　the　Bar　by　voices　of　deceiving　spirits；　seeing

that　they　are　wanted　there　by　no　mortal　…　who　glance　down；　with

eyes　better　glazed　than　their　casements；　from　their　dreary　and

lacklustre　rooms。　　Then　shall　the　way　Nor'　Westward；　now　lying

under　a　short　grim　colonnade　where　in　summer…time　pounce　flies　from

law…stationering　windows　into　the　eyes　of　laymen；　be　choked　with

rubbish　and　happily　become　impassable。　　Then　shall　the　gardens

where　turf；　trees；　and　gravel　wear　a　legal　livery　of　black；　run

rank；　and　pilgrims　go　to　Gorhambury　to　see　Bacon's　effigy　as　he

sat；　and　not　come　here　（which　in　truth　they　seldom　do）　to　see　where

he　walked。　　Then；　in　a　word；　shall　the　old…established　vendor　of

periodicals　sit　alone　in　his　little　crib　of　a　shop　behind　the

Holborn　Gate；　like　that　lumbering　Marius　among　the　ruins　of

Carthage；　who　has　sat　heavy　on　a　thousand　million　of　similes。



At　one　period　of　my　uncommercial　career　I　much　frequented　another

set　of　chambers　in　Gray's　Inn…square。　　They　were　what　is　familiarly

called　'a　top　set；'　and　all　the　eatables　and　drinkables　introduced

into　them　acquired　a　flavour　of　Cockloft。　　I　have　known　an　unopened

Strasbourg　pate　fresh　from　Fortnum　and　Mason's；　to　draw　in　this

cockloft　tone　through　its　crockery　dish；　and　become　penetrated　with

cockloft　to　the　core　of　its　inmost　truffle　in　three…quarters　of　an

hour。　　This；　however；　was　not　the　most　curious　feature　of　those

c