the uncommercial traveller-第43章

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very　alarming。　　Then　the　planets　and　stars　began。　　Sometimes　they

wouldn't　come　on；　sometimes　they　wouldn't　go　off；　sometimes　they

had　holes　in　them；　and　mostly　they　didn't　seem　to　be　good

likenesses。　　All　this　time　the　gentleman　with　the　wand　was　going　on

in　the　dark　（tapping　away　at　the　heavenly　bodies　between　whiles；

like　a　wearisome　woodpecker）；　about　a　sphere　revolving　on　its　own

axis　eight　hundred　and　ninety…seven　thousand　millions　of　times　…　or

miles　…　in　two　hundred　and　sixty…three　thousand　five　hundred　and

twenty…four　millions　of　something　elses；　until　I　thought　if　this

was　a　birthday　it　were　better　never　to　have　been　born。　　Olympia；

also；　became　much　depressed；　and　we　both　slumbered　and　woke　cross；

and　still　the　gentleman　was　going　on　in　the　dark　…　whether　up　in

the　stars；　or　down　on　the　stage；　it　would　have　been　hard　to　make

out；　if　it　had　been　worth　trying　…　cyphering　away　about　planes　of

orbits；　to　such　an　infamous　extent　that　Olympia；　stung　to　madness；

actually　kicked　me。　　A　pretty　birthday　spectacle；　when　the　lights

were　turned　up　again；　and　all　the　schools　in　the　town　（including

the　National；　who　had　come　in　for　nothing；　and　serve　them　right；

for　they　were　always　throwing　stones）　were　discovered　with

exhausted　countenances；　screwing　their　knuckles　into　their　eyes；　or

clutching　their　heads　of　hair。　　A　pretty　birthday　speech　when　Dr。

Sleek　of　the　City…Free　bobbed　up　his　powdered　head　in　the　stage…

box；　and　said　that　before　this　assembly　dispersed　he　really　must

beg　to　express　his　entire　approval　of　a　lecture　as　improving；　as

informing；　as　devoid　of　anything　that　could　call　a　blush　into　the

cheek　of　youth；　as　any　it　had　ever　been　his　lot　to　hear　delivered。

A　pretty　birthday　altogether；　when　Astronomy　couldn't　leave　poor

Small　Olympia　Squires　and　me　alone；　but　must　put　an　end　to　our

loves！　　For；　we　never　got　over　it；　the　threadbare　Orrery　outwore

our　mutual　tenderness；　the　man　with　the　wand　was　too　much　for　the

boy　with　the　bow。



When　shall　I　disconnect　the　combined　smells　of　oranges；　brown

paper；　and　straw；　from　those　other　birthdays　at　school；　when　the

coming　hamper　casts　its　shadow　before；　and　when　a　week　of　social

harmony　…　shall　I　add　of　admiring　and　affectionate　popularity　…　led

up　to　that　Institution？　　What　noble　sentiments　were　expressed　to　me

in　the　days　before　the　hamper；　what　vows　of　friendship　were　sworn

to　me；　what　exceedingly　old　knives　were　given　me；　what　generous

avowals　of　having　been　in　the　wrong　emanated　from　else　obstinate

spirits　once　enrolled　among　my　enemies！　　The　birthday　of　the　potted

game　and　guava　jelly；　is　still　made　special　to　me　by　the　noble

conduct　of　Bully　Globson。　　Letters　from　home　had　mysteriously

inquired　whether　I　should　be　much　surprised　and　disappointed　if

among　the　treasures　in　the　coming　hamper　I　discovered　potted　game；

and　guava　jelly　from　the　Western　Indies。　　I　had　mentioned　those

hints　in　confidence　to　a　few　friends；　and　had　promised　to　give

away；　as　I　now　see　reason　to　believe；　a　handsome　covey　of

partridges　potted；　and　about　a　hundredweight　of　guava　jelly。　　It

was　now　that　Globson；　Bully　no　more；　sought　me　out　in　the

playground。　　He　was　a　big　fat　boy；　with　a　big　fat　head　and　a　big

fat　fist；　and　at　the　beginning　of　that　Half　had　raised　such　a　bump

on　my　forehead　that　I　couldn't　get　my　hat　of　state　on；　to　go　to

church。　　He　said　that　after　an　interval　of　cool　reflection　（four

months）　he　now　felt　this　blow　to　have　been　an　error　of　judgment；

and　that　he　wished　to　apologise　for　the　same。　　Not　only　that；　but

holding　down　his　big　head　between　his　two　big　hands　in　order　that　I

might　reach　it　conveniently；　he　requested　me；　as　an　act　of　justice

which　would　appease　his　awakened　conscience；　to　raise　a　retributive

bump　upon　it；　in　the　presence　of　witnesses。　　This　handsome　proposal

I　modestly　declined；　and　he　then　embraced　me；　and　we　walked　away

conversing。　　We　conversed　respecting　the　West　India　Islands；　and；

in　the　pursuit　of　knowledge　he　asked　me　with　much　interest　whether

in　the　course　of　my　reading　I　had　met　with　any　reliable　description

of　the　mode　of　manufacturing　guava　jelly；　or　whether　I　had　ever

happened　to　taste　that　conserve；　which　he　had　been　given　to

understand　was　of　rare　excellence。



Seventeen；　eighteen；　nineteen；　twenty；　and　then　with　the　waning

months　came　an　ever　augmenting　sense　of　the　dignity　of　twenty…one。

Heaven　knows　I　had　nothing　to　'come　into；'　save　the　bare　birthday；

and　yet　I　esteemed　it　as　a　great　possession。　　I　now　and　then　paved

the　way　to　my　state　of　dignity；　by　beginning　a　proposition　with　the

casual　words；　'say　that　a　man　of　twenty…one；'　or　by　the　incidental

assumption　of　a　fact　that　could　not　sanely　be　disputed；　as；　'for

when　a　fellow　comes　to　be　a　man　of　twenty…one。'　　I　gave　a　party　on

the　occasion。　　She　was　there。　　It　is　unnecessary　to　name　Her；　more

particularly；　She　was　older　than　I；　and　had　pervaded　every　chink

and　crevice　of　my　mind　for　three　or　four　years。　　I　had　held　volumes

of　Imaginary　Conversations　with　her　mother　on　the　subject　of　our

union；　and　I　had　written　letters　more　in　number　than　Horace

Walpole's；　to　that　discreet　woman；　soliciting　her　daughter's　hand

in　marriage。　　I　had　never　had　the　remotest　intention　of　sending　any

of　those　letters；　but　to　write　them；　and　after　a　few　days　tear　them

up；　had　been　a　sublime　occupation。　　Sometimes；　I　had　begun

'Honoured　Madam。　　I　think　that　a　lady　gifted　with　those　powers　of

observation　which　I　know　you　to　possess；　and　endowed　with　those

womanly　sympathies　with　the　young　and　ardent　which　it　were　more

than　heresy　to　doubt；　can　scarcely　have　failed　to　discover　that　I

love　your　adorable　daughter；　deeply；　devotedly。'　　In　less　buoyant

states　of　mind　I　had　begun；　'Bear　with　me；　Dear　Madam；　bear　with　a

daring　wretch　who　is　about　to　make　a　surprising　confession　to　you；

wholly　unanticipated　by　yourself；　and　which　he　beseeches　you　to

commit　to　the　flames　as　soon　as　you　have　become　aware　to　what　a

towering　height　his　mad　ambition　soars。'　　At　other　times　…　periods

of　profound　mental　depression；　when　She　had　gone　out　to　balls　where

I　was　not　…　the　draft　took　the　affecting　form　of　a　paper　to　be　left

on　my　table　after　my　departure　to　the　confines　of　the　globe。　　As

thus：　　'For　Mrs。　Onowenever；　these　lines　when　the　hand　that　traces

them　shall　be　far　away。　　I　could　not　bear　the　daily　torture　of

hopelessly　loving　the　dear　one　whom　I　will　not　name。　　Broiling　on

the　coast　of　Africa；　or　congealing　on　the　shores　of　Greenland；　I　am

far　far　better　there　than　here。'　　（In　this　sentiment　my　cooler

judgment　perceives　that　the　family　of　the　beloved　object　would　have

most　completely　concurred。）　　'If　I　ever　emerge　from　obscurity；　and

my　name　is　ever　heralded　by　Fame；　it　will　be　for　her　dear　sake。　　If

I　ever　amass　Gold；　it　will　be　to　pour　it　at　her　feet。　　Should　I　on

the　other　hand　become　the　prey　of　Ravens　…　'　　I　doubt　if　I　ever

quite　made　up　my　mind　what　was　to　be　done　in　that　affecting　case；　I

tried　'then　it　is　better　so；'　but　not　feeling　convinced　that　it

would　be　better　so；　I　vacillated　between　leaving　all　else　blank；

which　looked　expressive　and　bleak；　or　winding　up　with　'Farewell！'



This　fictitious　correspondence　of　mine　is　to　blame　for　the

foregoing　digression。　　I　was　about　to　pursue　the　statement　that　on

my　twenty…first　birthday　I　gave　a　party；　and　She　was　there。　　It　was

a　beautiful　party。　　There　was　not　a　single　animate　or　inanimate

object　connected　with　it　（except　the　company　and　myself）　that　I　had

ever　seen　before。　　Everything　was　hired；　and　the　mercenaries　in

attendance　were　profound　strangers　to　me。　　Behind　a　door；　in　the

crumby　part　of　the　night　when　wine…glasses　were　to　be　found　in

unexpected　spots；　I　spoke　to　Her　…　spoke　out　to　Her。　　What　passed；

I　cannot　as　a　man　of　honour　reveal。　　She　was　all　angelical

gentleness；　but　a　word　was　mentioned　…　a　short　and　dreadful　word　of

three　letters；　beginning　with　a　B…　which；　as　I　remarked　at　the

moment；　'scorched　my　brain。'　　She　went　away　soon　afterwards；　and

when　the　hollow　throng　（though　to　be　sure　it　was　no　fault　of

theirs）　dispersed；　I　issued　forth；　with　a　dissipated　scorner；　and；

as　I　mentioned　expressly　to　him；　'sought　oblivion。'　　It　was　found；

with　a　dreadful　headache　in　it；　but　it　didn't　last；　for；　in　the

shaming　light　of　next　day's　noon；　I　raised　my　heavy　head　in　bed；

looking　back　to　the　birthdays　behind　me；　and　tracking　the　circle　by

which　I　had　got　round；　after　all；　to　the　bitter　powder　and　the

wretchedness　again。



This　reactionary　powder　（taken　so　largely　by　the　human　race　I　am

inclined　to　regard　it　as　the　Universal　Medicine　once　sought　for　in

Laboratories）　is　capable　of　being　made　up　in　another　form　for

birthday　use。　　Anybody's　long…lost　brother　will　do　ill　to　turn　up

on　a　birthday。　　If　I　had　a　long…lost　brother　I　should　know

beforehand　that　he　would　prove　a　tremendous　fraternal　failure　if　he

appointed　to　rush　into　my　arms　on　my　birthday。　　The　first　Magic

Lantern　I　ever　saw；　was　secretly　and　elaborately　planned　to　be　the

great　effect　of　a　very　juvenile　birthday；　but　it　wouldn't　act；　and

its　images　were　dim。　　My　experience　of　adult　birthday　Magic

Lanterns　may　possibly　have　been　unfortunate；　but　has　certainly　been

similar。　　I　have　an　illustrative　birthday　in　my　eye：　　a　birthday　of

my　friend　Flipfield；　whose　birthdays　had　long　been　remarkable　as

social　successes。　　There　had　been　nothing　set　or　formal　about　them；

Flipfield　having　been　accustomed　merely　to　say；　two　or　three　days

before；　'Don't　forget　to　come　and　dine；　old　boy；　according　to

custom；'　…　I　don't　know　what　he　said　to　the　ladies　he　invited；　but

I　may　safely　assume　it　NOT　to　have　been　'old　girl。'　　Those　were

delightful　gatherings；　and　were　enjoyed　by　all　participators。　　In

an　evil　hour；　a　long…lost　brother　of　Flipfield's　came　to　light　in

foreign　parts。　　Where　he　had　been　hidden；　or　what　he　had　been

doing；　I　don't　know；　for　Flipfield　vaguely　informed　me　that　he　had

turned　up　'on　the　banks　of　the　Ganges'　…　speaking　of　him　as　if　he

had　been　washed　ashore。　　The　Long…lost　was　coming　home；　and

Flipfield　made　an　unfortunate　calculation；　based　on　the　well…known

regularity　of　the　P。　and　O。　Steamers；　that　matters　might　be　so

contrived　as　that　the　Long…lost　should　appear　in　the　nick　of　time

on　his　（Flipfield's）　birthday。　　Delicacy　commanded　that　I　should

repress　the　gloomy　anticipations　with　which　my　soul　became　fraught

when　I　heard　of　this　plan。　　The　fatal　day　arrived；　and　we　assembled

in　force。　　Mrs。　Flipfield　senior　formed　an　interesting　feature　in

the　group；　with　a　blue…veined　miniature　of　the　late　Mr。　Flipfield

round　her　neck；　in　an　oval；　resembling　a　tart　from　the

pastrycook's：　　his　hair　powdered；　and　the　bright　buttons　on　his

coat；　evidently　very　like。　　She　was　accompanied　by　Miss　Flipfield；

the　eldest　of　her　numerous　family；　who　held　her　pocket…handkerchief

to　her　bosom　in　a　majestic　manner；　and　spoke　to　all　of　us　（none　of

us