the uncommercial traveller-第44章

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the　eldest　of　her　numerous　family；　who　held　her　pocket…handkerchief

to　her　bosom　in　a　majestic　manner；　and　spoke　to　all　of　us　（none　of

us　had　ever　seen　her　before）；　in　pious　and　condoning　tones；　of　all

the　quarrels　that　had　taken　place　in　the　family；　from　her　infancy　…

which　must　have　been　a　long　time　ago　…　down　to　that　hour。　　The

Long…lost　did　not　appear。　　Dinner；　half　an　hour　later　than　usual；

was　announced；　and　still　no　Long…lost。　　We　sat　down　to　table。　　The

knife　and　fork　of　the　Long…lost　made　a　vacuum　in　Nature；　and　when

the　champagne　came　round　for　the　first　time；　Flipfield　gave　him　up

for　the　day；　and　had　them　removed。　　It　was　then　that　the　Long…lost

gained　the　height　of　his　popularity　with　the　company；　for　my　own

part；　I　felt　convinced　that　I　loved　him　dearly。　　Flipfield's

dinners　are　perfect；　and　he　is　the　easiest　and　best　of

entertainers。　　Dinner　went　on　brilliantly；　and　the　more　the　Long…

lost　didn't　come；　the　more　comfortable　we　grew；　and　the　more　highly

we　thought　of　him。　　Flipfield's　own　man　（who　has　a　regard　for　me）

was　in　the　act　of　struggling　with　an　ignorant　stipendiary；　to　wrest

from　him　the　wooden　leg　of　a　Guinea…fowl　which　he　was　pressing　on

my　acceptance；　and　to　substitute　a　slice　of　the　breast；　when　a

ringing　at　the　door…bell　suspended　the　strife。　　I　looked　round　me；

and　perceived　the　sudden　pallor　which　I　knew　my　own　visage

revealed；　reflected　in　the　faces　of　the　company。　　Flipfield

hurriedly　excused　himself；　went　out；　was　absent　for　about　a　minute

or　two；　and　then　re…entered　with　the　Long…lost。



I　beg　to　say　distinctly　that　if　the　stranger　had　brought　Mont　Blanc

with　him；　or　had　come　attended　by　a　retinue　of　eternal　snows；　he

could　not　have　chilled　the　circle　to　the　marrow　in　a　more　efficient

manner。　　Embodied　Failure　sat　enthroned　upon　the　Long…lost's　brow；

and　pervaded　him　to　his　Long…lost　boots。　　In　vain　Mrs。　Flipfield

senior；　opening　her　arms；　exclaimed；　'My　Tom！'　and　pressed　his　nose

against　the　counterfeit　presentment　of　his　other　parent。　　In　vain

Miss　Flipfield；　in　the　first　transports　of　this　re…union；　showed

him　a　dint　upon　her　maidenly　cheek；　and　asked　him　if　he　remembered

when　he　did　that　with　the　bellows？　　We；　the　bystanders；　were

overcome；　but　overcome　by　the　palpable；　undisguisable；　utter；　and

total　break…down　of　the　Long…lost。　　Nothing　he　could　have　done

would　have　set　him　right　with　us　but　his　instant　return　to　the

Ganges。　　In　the　very　same　moments　it　became　established　that　the

feeling　was　reciprocal；　and　that　the　Long…lost　detested　us。　　When　a

friend　of　the　family　（not　myself；　upon　my　honour）；　wishing　to　set

things　going　again；　asked　him；　while　he　partook　of　soup　…　asked　him

with　an　amiability　of　intention　beyond　all　praise；　but　with　a

weakness　of　execution　open　to　defeat　…　what　kind　of　river　he

considered　the　Ganges；　the　Long…lost；　scowling　at　the　friend　of　the

family　over　his　spoon；　as　one　of　an　abhorrent　race；　replied；　'Why；

a　river　of　water；　I　suppose；'　and　spooned　his　soup　into　himself

with　a　malignancy　of　hand　and　eye　that　blighted　the　amiable

questioner。　　Not　an　opinion　could　be　elicited　from　the　Long…lost；

in　unison　with　the　sentiments　of　any　individual　present。　　He

contradicted　Flipfield　dead；　before　he　had　eaten　his　salmon。　　He

had　no　idea　…　or　affected　to　have　no　idea　…　that　it　was　his

brother's　birthday；　and　on　the　communication　of　that　interesting

fact　to　him；　merely　wanted　to　make　him　out　four　years　older　than　he

was。　　He　was　an　antipathetical　being；　with　a　peculiar　power　and

gift　of　treading　on　everybody's　tenderest　place。　　They　talk　in

America　of　a　man's　'Platform。'　　I　should　describe　the　Platform　of

the　Long…lost　as　a　Platform　composed　of　other　people's　corns；　on

which　he　had　stumped　his　way；　with　all　his　might　and　main；　to　his

present　position。　　It　is　needless　to　add　that　Flipfield's　great

birthday　went　by　the　board；　and　that　he　was　a　wreck　when　I

pretended　at　parting　to　wish　him　many　happy　returns　of　it。



There　is　another　class　of　birthdays　at　which　I　have　so　frequently

assisted；　that　I　may　assume　such　birthdays　to　be　pretty　well　known

to　the　human　race。　　My　friend　Mayday's　birthday　is　an　example。　　The

guests　have　no　knowledge　of　one　another　except　on　that　one　day　in

the　year；　and　are　annually　terrified　for　a　week　by　the　prospect　of

meeting　one　another　again。　　There　is　a　fiction　among　us　that　we

have　uncommon　reasons　for　being　particularly　lively　and　spirited　on

the　occasion；　whereas　deep　despondency　is　no　phrase　for　the

expression　of　our　feelings。　　But　the　wonderful　feature　of　the　case

is；　that　we　are　in　tacit　accordance　to　avoid　the　subject　…　to　keep

it　as　far　off　as　possible；　as　long　as　possible　…　and　to　talk　about

anything　else；　rather　than　the　joyful　event。　　I　may　even　go　so　far

as　to　assert　that　there　is　a　dumb　compact　among　us　that　we　will

pretend　that　it　is　NOT　Mayday's　birthday。　　A　mysterious　and　gloomy

Being；　who　is　said　to　have　gone　to　school　with　Mayday；　and　who　is

so　lank　and　lean　that　he　seriously　impugns　the　Dietary　of　the

establishment　at　which　they　were　jointly　educated；　always　leads　us；

as　I　may　say；　to　the　block；　by　laying　his　grisly　hand　on　a　decanter

and　begging　us　to　fill　our　glasses。　　The　devices　and　pretences　that

I　have　seen　put　in　practice　to　defer　the　fatal　moment；　and　to

interpose　between　this　man　and　his　purpose；　are　innumerable。　　I

have　known　desperate　guests；　when　they　saw　the　grisly　hand

approaching　the　decanter；　wildly　to　begin；　without　any　antecedent

whatsoever；　'That　reminds　me　…　'　and　to　plunge　into　long　stories。

When　at　last　the　hand　and　the　decanter　come　together；　a　shudder；　a

palpable　perceptible　shudder；　goes　round　the　table。　　We　receive　the

reminder　that　it　is　Mayday's　birthday；　as　if　it　were　the

anniversary　of　some　profound　disgrace　he　had　undergone；　and　we

sought　to　comfort　him。　　And　when　we　have　drunk　Mayday's　health；　and

wished　him　many　happy　returns；　we　are　seized　for　some　moments　with

a　ghastly　blitheness；　an　unnatural　levity；　as　if　we　were　in　the

first　flushed　reaction　of　having　undergone　a　surgical　operation。



Birthdays　of　this　species　have　a　public　as　well　as　a　private　phase。

My　'boyhood's　home；'　Dullborough；　presents　a　case　in　point。　　An

Immortal　Somebody　was　wanted　in　Dullborough；　to　dimple　for　a　day

the　stagnant　face　of　the　waters；　he　was　rather　wanted　by

Dullborough　generally；　and　much　wanted　by　the　principal　hotel…

keeper。　　The　County　history　was　looked　up　for　a　locally　Immortal

Somebody；　but　the　registered　Dullborough　worthies　were　all

Nobodies。　　In　this　state　of　things；　it　is　hardly　necessary　to

record　that　Dullborough　did　what　every　man　does　when　he　wants　to

write　a　book　or　deliver　a　lecture；　and　is　provided　with　all　the

materials　except　a　subject。　　It　fell　back　upon　Shakespeare。



No　sooner　was　it　resolved　to　celebrate　Shakespeare's　birthday　in

Dullborough；　than　the　popularity　of　the　immortal　bard　became

surprising。　　You　might　have　supposed　the　first　edition　of　his　works

to　have　been　published　last　week；　and　enthusiastic　Dullborough　to

have　got　half　through　them。　　（I　doubt；　by　the　way；　whether　it　had

ever　done　half　that；　but　that　is　a　private　opinion。）　　A　young

gentleman　with　a　sonnet；　the　retention　of　which　for　two　years　had

enfeebled　his　mind　and　undermined　his　knees；　got　the　sonnet　into

the　Dullborough　Warden；　and　gained　flesh。　　Portraits　of　Shakespeare

broke　out　in　the　bookshop　windows；　and　our　principal　artist　painted

a　large　original　portrait　in　oils　for　the　decoration　of　the　dining…

room。　　It　was　not　in　the　least　like　any　of　the　other　Portraits；　and

was　exceedingly　admired；　the　head　being　much　swollen。　　At　the

Institution；　the　Debating　Society　discussed　the　new　question；　Was

there　sufficient　ground　for　supposing　that　the　Immortal　Shakespeare

ever　stole　deer？　　This　was　indignantly　decided　by　an　overwhelming

majority　in　the　negative；　indeed；　there　was　but　one　vote　on　the

Poaching　side；　and　that　was　the　vote　of　the　orator　who　had

undertaken　to　advocate　it；　and　who　became　quite　an　obnoxious

character　…　particularly　to　the　Dullborough　'roughs；'　who　were

about　as　well　informed　on　the　matter　as　most　other　people。

Distinguished　speakers　were　invited　down；　and　very　nearly　came　（but

not　quite）。　　Subscriptions　were　opened；　and　committees　sat；　and　it

would　have　been　far　from　a　popular　measure　in　the　height　of　the

excitement；　to　have　told　Dullborough　that　it　wasn't　Stratford…upon…

Avon。　　Yet；　after　all　these　preparations；　when　the　great　festivity

took　place；　and　the　portrait；　elevated　aloft；　surveyed　the　company

as　if　it　were　in　danger　of　springing　a　mine　of　intellect　and

blowing　itself　up；　it　did　undoubtedly　happen；　according　to　the

inscrutable　mysteries　of　things；　that　nobody　could　be　induced；　not

to　say　to　touch　upon　Shakespeare；　but　to　come　within　a　mile　of　him；

until　the　crack　speaker　of　Dullborough　rose　to　propose　the　immortal

memory。　　Which　he　did　with　the　perplexing　and　astonishing　result

that　before　he　had　repeated　the　great　name　half…a…dozen　times；　or

had　been　upon　his　legs　as　many　minutes；　he　was　assailed　with　a

general　shout　of　'Question。'







CHAPTER　XXI　…　THE　SHORT…TIMERS







'Within　so　many　yards　of　this　Covent…garden　lodging　of　mine；　as

within　so　many　yards　of　Westminster　Abbey；　Saint　Paul's　Cathedral；

the　Houses　of　Parliament；　the　Prisons；　the　Courts　of　Justice；　all

the　Institutions　that　govern　the　land；　I　can　find　…　MUST　find；

whether　I　will　or　no　…　in　the　open　streets；　shameful　instances　of

neglect　of　children；　intolerable　toleration　of　the　engenderment　of

paupers；　idlers；　thieves；　races　of　wretched　and　destructive

cripples　both　in　body　and　mind；　a　misery　to　themselves；　a　misery　to

the　community；　a　disgrace　to　civilisation；　and　an　outrage　on

Christianity。　…　I　know　it　to　be　a　fact　as　easy　of　demonstration　as

any　sum　in　any　of　the　elementary　rules　of　arithmetic；　that　if　the

State　would　begin　its　work　and　duty　at　the　beginning；　and　would

with　the　strong　hand　take　those　children　out　of　the　streets；　while

they　are　yet　children；　and　wisely　train　them；　it　would　make　them　a

part　of　England's　glory；　not　its　shame　…　of　England's　strength；　not

its　weakness　…　would　raise　good　soldiers　and　sailors；　and　good

citizens；　and　many　great　men；　out　of　the　seeds　of　its　criminal

population。　　Yet　I　go　on　bearing　with　the　enormity　as　if　it　were

nothing；　and　I　go　on　reading　the　Parliamentary　Debates　as　if　they

were　something；　and　I　concern　myself　far　more　about　one　railway…

bridge　across　a　public　thoroughfare；　than　about　a　dozen　generations

of　scrofula；　ignorance；　wickedness；　prostitution；　poverty；　and

felony。　　I　can　slip　out　at　my　door；　in　the　small　hours　after　any

midnight；　and；　in　one　circuit　of　the　purlieus　of　Covent…garden

Market；　can　behold　a　state　of　infancy　and　youth；　as　vile　as　if　a

Bourbon　sat　upon　the　English　throne；　a　great　police　force　looking

on　with　authority　to　do　no　more　than　worry　and　hunt　the　dreadful