the kite runner-第63章

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　I　want　you　to　go　to　KabuL　I　want　you　to　bring　Sohrab　here；　　he　said。
I　struggled　to　find　the　right　words。　I　d　barely　had　time　to　deal　with　the　fact　that　Hassan　was　dead。
　Please　hear　me。　I　know　an　American　pair　here　in　Peshawar；　a　husband　and　wife　named　Thomas　and　Betty　Caldwell。　They　are　Christians　and　they　run　a　small　charity　organization　that　they　manage　with　private　donations。　Mostly　they　house　and　feed　Afghan　children　who　have　lost　their　parents。　I　have　seen　the　place。　It　s　clean　and　safe；　the　children　are　well　cared　for；　and　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Caldwell　are　kind　people。　They　have　already　told　me　that　Sohrab　would　be　wele　to　their　home　and……　
　Rahim　Khan；　you　can　t　be　serious。　
　Children　are　fragile；　Amir　Jan。　Kabul　is　already　full　of　broken　children　and　I　don　t　want　Sohrab　to　bee　another。　
　Rahim　Khan；　I　don　t　want　to　go　to　Kabul。　I　can　t！　　I　said。
　Sohrab　is　a　gifted　little　boy。　We　can　give　him　a　new　life　here；　new　hope；　with　people　who　would　love　him。　Thomas　agha　is　a
good　man　and　Betty　khanum　is　so　kind；　you　should　see　how　she　treats　those　orphans。　
　Why　me？　Why　can　t　you　pay　someone　here　to　go？　I　ll　pay　for　it　if　it　s　a　matter　of　money。　
　It　isn　t　about　money；　Amir！　　Rahim　Khan　roared。　　I　m　a　dying　man　and　I　will　not　be　insulted！　It　has　never　been　about　money　with　me；　you　know　that。　And　why　you？　I　think　we　both　know　why　it　has　to　be　you；　don　t　we？　
I　didn　t　want　to　understand　that　ment；　but　I　did。　I　understood　it　all　too　well。　　I　have　a　wife　in　America；　a　home；　a　career；　and　a　family。　Kabul　is　a　dangerous　place；　you　know　that；　and　you　d　have　me　risk　everything　for。。。　　I　stopped。
　You　know；　　Rahim　Khan　said；　　one　time；　when　you　weren　t　around；　your　father　and　I　were　talking。　And　you　know　how　he　always　worried　about　you　in　those　days。　I　remember　he　said　to　me；　　Rahim；　a　boy　who　won　t　stand　up　for　himself　bees　a　man　who　can　t　stand　up　to　anything。　　I　wonder；　is　that　what　you　ve　bee？　
I　dropped　my　eyes。
　What　I　m　asking　from　you　is　to　grant　an　old　man　his　dying　wish；　　he　said　gravely。
He　had　gambled　whh　that　ment。　Played　his　best　card。　Or　so　I　thought　then。　His　words　hung　in　limbo　between　us；　but　at　least　he　d　known　what　to　say。　I　was　still　searching　for　the　right　words；　and　I　was　the　writer　in　the　room。　Finally；　I　settled　for　this：
　Maybe　Baba　was　right。　
　I　m　sorry　you　think　that；　Amir。　
I　couldn　t　look　at　him。　　And　you　don　t？　
　If　I　did；　I　would　not　have　asked　you　to　e　here。　
I　toyed　with　my　wedding　ring。　　You　ve　always　thought　too　highly　of　me；　Rahim　Khan。　
　And　you　ve　always　been　far　too　hard　on　yourself。　　He　hesitated。　　But　there　s　something　else。　Something　you　don　t　know。　
　Please；　Rahim　Khan……　
　Sanaubar　wasn　t　Ali　s　first　wife。　
Now　I　looked　up。
　He　was　married　once　before；　to　a　Hazara　woman　from　the　Jaghori　area。　This　was　long　before　you　were　born。　They　were　married　for　three　years。　
　What　does　this　have　to　do　with　anything？　
　She　left　him　childless　after　three　years　and　married　a　man　in　Khost。　She　bore　him　three　daughters。　That　s　what　I　am　trying　to　tell　you。　
I　began　to　see　where　he　was　going。　But　I　didn　t　want　to　hear　the　rest　of　it。　I　had　a　good　life　in　California；　pretty　Victorian　home　with　a　peaked　roof；　a　good　marriage；　a　promising　writing　career；　in…laws　who　loved　me。　I　didn　t　need　any　of　this　shit。
　Ali　was　sterile；　　Rahim　Khan　said。
　No　he　wasn　t。　He　and　Sanaubar　had　Hassan；　didn　t　they？　They　had　Hassan……　
　No　they　didn　t；　　Rahim　Khan　said。
　Yes　they　did！　
　No　they　didn　t；　Amir。　
　Then　who……　
　I　think　you　know　who。　
I　felt　like　a　man　sliding　down　a　steep　cliff；　clutching　at　shrubs　and　tangles　of　brambles　and　ing　up　empty…handed。　The　room　was　swooping　up　and　down；　swaying　side　to　side。　　Did　Hassan　know？　　I　said　through　lips　that　didn　t　feel　like　my　own。　Rahim　Khan　closed　his　eyes。　Shook　his　head。
　You　bastards；　　I　muttered。　Stood　up。　　You　goddamn　bastards！　　I　screamed。　　All　of　you；　you　bunch　of　lying　goddamn　bastards！　
　Please　sit　down；　　Rahim　Khan　said。
　How　could　you　hide　this　from　me？　From　him？　　I　bellowed。　　Please　think；　Amir　Jan。　It　was　a　shameful　situation。　People　would　talk。　All　that　a　man　had　back　then；　all　that　he　was；　was　his　honor；　his　name；　and　if　people　talked。。。　We　couldn　t　tell　anyone；　surely　you　can　see　that。　　He　reached　for　me；　but　I　shed　his　hand。　Headed　for　the　door。
　Amir　jan；　please　don　t　leave。　
I　opened　the　door　and　turned　to　him。　　Why？　What　can　you　possibly　say　to　me？　I　m　thirty…eight　years　old　and　I　ve　Just　found　out　my　whole　life　is　one　big　fucking　lie！　What　can　you　possibly　say　to　make　things　better？　Nothing。　Not　a　goddamn　thing！　
And　with　that；　I　stormed　out　of　the　apartment。
EIGHTEEN
The　sun　had　almost　set　and　left　the　sky　swathed　in　smothers　of　purple　and　red。　I　walked　down　the　busy；　narrow　street　that　led　away　from　Rahim　Khan　s　building。　The　street　was　a　noisy　lane　in　a　maze　of　alleyways　choked　with　pedestrians；　bicycles；　and　rickshaws。　Billboards　hung　at　its　corners；　advertising　Coca…Cola　and　cigarettes；　Hollywood　movie　posters　displayed　sultry　actresses　dancing　with　handsome；　brown…skinned　men　in　fields　of　marigolds。
I　walked　into　a　smoky　little　samovar　house　and　ordered　a　cup　of　tea。　I　tilted　back　on　the　folding　chair　s　rear　legs　and　rubbed　my　face。　That　feeling　of　sliding　toward　a　fall　was　fading。　But　in　its　stead；　I　felt　like　a　man　who　awakens　in　his　own　house　and　finds　all　the　furniture　rearranged；　so　that　every　familiar　nook　and　cranny　looks　foreign　now。　Disoriented；　he　has　to　reevaluate　his　surroundings；　reorient　himself。
How　could　I　have　been　so　blind？　The　signs　had　been　there　for　me　to　see　all　along；　they　came　flying　back　at　me　now：　Baba　hiring　Dr。　Kumar　to　fix　Hassan　s　ha