we two-第38章

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when　all　you　care　about　in　life　is　to　comfort　and　help　him；　and　when　your　heart　is　much　occupied　with　your　new　opinions；　a　friend　of　yours　a　secularist　comes　to　you；　and　says：　'A　miserable　life　lies　before　you。　　The　atheists　will　never　thoroughly　take　up　with　you　while　you　live　with　your　father　the　archbishop；　and　of　course　it　is　wretched　for　you　to　be　surrounded　by　those　of　another　creed。　　Come　with　me。　　I　love　you　I　will　make　you　happy；　and　save　you　from　persecution。〃

In　spite　of　himself　Brian　had　smiled　many　times　at　this　putting　of　an　Archbishop　of　Canterbury　into　the　position　of　Luke　Raeburn。　　But　the　conclusion　arrived　at　seemed　to　him　to　admit　of　only　one　answer；　and　left　him　very　grave。

〃You　may　be　right；〃　he　said；　very　sadly。　〃But　to　stand　still　and　watch　her　suffer〃

He　broke　off；　unable　to　finish　his　sentence。

Charles　Osmond　took　it　up。

〃To　stand　still　and　watch　her　suffer　will　be　the　terribly　hard　work　of　a　brave　man　who　takes　a　true；　deep　view。　　To　rush　in　with　offers　of　help　would　be　the　work　of　an　impetuous　man　who　took　a　very　superficial　view。　　If　Erica　were　selfish；　I　would　say　go　and　appeal　to　her　selfishness；　and　marry　her　at　once；　for　selfishness　will　never　do　any　good　in　Guilford　Terrace。　　But　she　is　one　of　the　most　devoted　women　I　know。　　Your　appeal　would　be　rejected。　　I　believe　she　will　feel　herself　in　the　right　place　there；　and；　as　long　as　that　is　the　case；　nothing　will　move　her。〃

〃Father；〃　said　Brian；　rather　desperately；　〃I　would　take　your　opinion　before　any　other　opinion　in　the　world。　　You　know　her　well　far　better　than　I　do。　　Tell　me　honestly　do　you　think　she　could　ever　love　me？〃

〃You　have　given　me　a　hard　task；〃　said　Charles　Osmond。　　〃But　you　have　asked　for　my　honest　opinion；　and　you　must　have　it。　　As　long　as　her　father　lives　I　don't　believe　Erica　will　ever　love　a　man　well　enough　to　marry　him。　　I　remember；　in　my　young　days；　a　beautiful　girl　in　our　neighborhood；　the　belle　of　the　whole　county；　and　years　went　by；　and　she　had　countless　offers；　but　she　rejected　them　all。　　People　used　to　remonstrate　with　her；　and　ask　her　how　it　was。　　'Oh；'　she　used　to　reply；　'that　is　very　easily　explained。。　　I　never　see　a　man　I　think　equal　to　my　own　brothers！'　　Now；　whatever　faults　Raeburn　has；　we　may　be　sure　Erica　sees　far　less　plainly　than　we　see；　and　nobody　can　deny　that　he　is　a　grand　fellow。　　When　one　bears　in　mind　all　that　he　has　had　against　him；　his　nobility　of　character　seems　to　me　marvelous。　　He　puts　us　to　shame。　　And　that　is　why　he　seems　to　me　the　wholesome　though　powerful　medicine　for　this　nineteenth　century　of　ours；　with　its　great　professions　and　its　un…Christlike　lives。〃

〃What　is　the　use　of　patience　what　is　the　use　of　love；〃　exclaimed　Brian；　〃if　I　am　never　to　serve　her？〃

〃Never！　　Who　said　so？〃　said　his　father　smiling。　　〃Why；　you　have　been　serving　her　every　blessed　day　since　you　first　loved　her。　　Is　unspoken　love　worth　nothing？　　Are　prayers　useless？　　Is　it　of　no　service　to　let　your　light　shine？　　But　I　see　how　it　is。　　As　a　doctor；　you　look　upon　pain　as　the　one　great　enemy　to　be　fought　with；　to　be　bound　down；　to　be　conquered。　　You　want　to　shield　Erica　from　pain；　which　she　can't　be　shielded　from；　if　she　is　to　go　on　growing。

〃'Knowledge　by　suffering　entereth！'

No　one　would　so　willingly　indorse　the　truth　of　that　as　she　herself。　　And　it　will　be　so　to　the　end　of　the　chapter。　　You　can't　shut　her　up　in　a　beautiful　casket；　and　keep　her　from　all　pain。　　If　you　could　she　would　no　longer　be　the　Erica　you　love。　　As　for　the　rest；　I　may　be　wrong。　　She　may　have　room　for　wifely　love　even　now。　　I　have　only　told　you　what　I　think。　　And　whether　she　ever　be　your　wife　or　not　and　from　my　heart　I　hope　she　may　be　your　love　will　in　no　case　be　wasted。　　Pure　love　can't　be　wasted；　it's　an　impossibility。〃

Brian　sighed　heavily；　but　made　no　answer。　　Presently　he　took　up　his　hat　and　went　out。　　He　walked　on　and　on　without　the　faintest　idea　of　time　or　place；　occupied　only　with　the　terrible　struggle　which　was　going　on　in　his　heart；　which　seemed　only　endurable　with　the　help　of　rapid　and　mechanical　exercise。　　When　at　length　he　came　to　himself；　he　was　miles　away　from　home；　right　down　at　Shepherd's　Bush；　and　he　heard　the　church　clocks　striking　twelve。　　Then　he　turned　back；　and　walked　home　more　quietly；　his　resolution　made。

If　he　told　Erica　of　his　love；　and　she　refused　him　now；　he　should　not　only　add　to　her　troubles；　but　he　should　inevitably　put　an　end　to　the　comfort　of　the　close　friendship　which　now　existed　between　the　two　families。　　He　would　keep　silence。

Erica　and　her　father　returned　on　the　Saturday；　and　then　began　a　most　trying　time。　　Tom　seemed　to　shrink　from　her　just　as　he　had　done　at　the　time　of　her　mother's　death。　　He　was　shy　and　vexed；　too；　and　kept　as　much　out　of　her　way　as　possible。　　Mrs。　Craigie；　on　the　contrary；　could　not　leave　her　alone。　　In　spite　of　her　brother's　words；　she　tried　every　possible　argument　and　remonstrance　in　the　hope　of　reconvincing　her　niece。　　With　the　best　intentions；　she　was　often　grossly　unfair；　and　Erica；　with　a　naturally　quick　temper；　and　her　Raeburn　inheritance　of　fluency　and　satire；　found　her　patience　sorely　tried。　　Raeburn　was　excessively　busy；　and　they　saw　very　little　of　him；　perhaps　he　thought　it　expedient　that　Erica　should　fight　her　own　battles；　and　fully　realize　the　seriousness　of　the　steps　she　had　taken。

〃Have　you　thought；〃　urged　Mrs。　Craigie；　as　a　last　argument　〃have　you　thought　what　offense　you　will　give　to　our　whole　party？　　What　do　you　think　they　will　slay　when　they　learn　that　you　of　all　people　have　deserted　the　cause？〃

The　tears　started　to　Erica's　eyes；　for　naturally　she　did　feel　this　a　great　deal。　　But　she　answered　bravely；　and　with　a　sort　of　ring　in　her　voice；　which　made　Tom　look　up　from　his　newspaper。

〃They　will　know　that　Luke　Raeburn's　daughter　must　be　true　to　her　convictions　at　whatever　cost。〃

〃Will　you　go　on　writing　in　the　'Idol'？〃　asked　Tom；　for　the　first　time　making　an　observation　to　her　which　was　not　altogether　necessary。

〃No；〃　said　Erica　〃how　can　I？〃

Tom　shrugged　his　shoulders；　and　made　no　further　remark。

〃Then　how　do　you　mean　to　live？　　How　else　can　you　support　yourself？〃　asked　Aunt　Jean。

〃I　don't　know；〃　said　Erica。　　〃I　must　get　some　other　work　somewhere。〃

But　her　heart　failed　her；　though　she　spoke　firmly。　　She　knew　that　to　find　work　in　London　was　no　easy　matter。

〃Offer　yourself　to　the　'Church　Chronicle；'〃　said　Mrs。　Craigie　sarcastically；　〃or；　better　still；　to　the　'Watch　Dog。'　　They　always　make　a　good　deal　of　capital　out　of　a　convert。〃

Erica　colored　and　had　to　bite　her　lip　hard　to　keep　back　the　quick　retort　which　occurred　to　her　all　too　naturally。

By　and　by　Mr。　Masterman　and　another　well…known　secularist　walked　in。　　They　both　knew　of　Erica's　defection。　　Mr。　Masterman　attacked　her　at　once　in　a　sort　of　bantering　way。

〃So　Miss　Raeburn；　now　I　understand　why　some　time　ago　you　walked　out　in　the　middle　of　my　lecture　one　evening。〃

And　then　followed　a　most　irritating　semi…serious　remonstrance；　in　questionable　taste。　　Erica　writhed　under　it。　　A　flippant　canvassing　of　her　most　private　and　sacred　thoughts　was　hard　to　bear；　but　she　held　her　ground；　and；　being　not　without　a　touch　of　her　father's　dignity；　Mr。　Masterman　presently　beat　a　retreat；　not　feeling　quite　so　well　satisfied　with　himself　as　usual。　　His　companion　did　not　allude　directly　to　her　change　of　views；　but　treated　her　with　a　sort　of　pitying　condescension；　as　if　she　had　been　a　mild　lunatic。

There　was　some　sort　of　committee　being　held　in　the　study　that　evening。　　The　next　person　to　arrive　was　Professor　Gosse　and　almost　immediately　after　came　Mr。　Harmston；　a　charming　old　man；　whom　Erica　had　known　from　her　childhood。　　They　came　in　and　had　some　coffee　before　going　into　the　study。　　Mrs。　Craigie　talked　to　Mr。　Harmston。　　Erica；　looking　her　loveliest　waited　on　them。　　Tom　watched　them　all　philosophically　from　the　hearth　rug。

〃I　am　sorry　to　hear　you　have　deserted　your　colors；〃　said　the　professor；　looking　more　grave　than　she　had　ever　seen　him　look　before。　　Then；　his　voice　softening　a　little　as　he　looked　at　her；　〃I　expect　it　all　comes　of　that　illness　of　yours。　　I　believe　religion　is　just　an　outgrowth　of　bad　health　mens　sana　in　corpore　sano；　you　know。　　Never　mind；　you　must　still　come　to　my　workshop；　and　I　shall　see　if　science　won't　reconvert　you。〃

He　moved　away　with　his　good…humored；　shaggy…looking　face；　leaving　Erica　to　old　Mr。　Harmston。

〃I　am　much　grieved　to　hear　this　of　you；　Erica；〃　he　said；　lowering　his　voice；　and　bringing　his　gray　head　near　to　hers　〃as　grieved　as　if　you　were　my　own　child。　　You　will　be　a　sore　loss　to　us　all。〃

Erica　felt　this　keenly；　for　she　was　very　fond　of　the　old　man。

〃Do　you　think　it　does　not　hurt　me　to　grieve　you　all？〃　she　said；　piteously。　　〃But　one　must　be　honest。〃

〃Quite　right；　my　dear；〃　said　the　old　man；　〃but　that　does　not　make　our　loss　the　less　heavy。　　We　had　hoped　great　things　of　you；　Erica。　　It　is　grievous　to　me　that　you　should　have　fallen　back　to　the　miserable　superstitions　against　which　your　father　has　fought　so　bravely。〃

〃Come；　Mr。　Harmston；〃　said　the　professor；　〃we　are　late；　I　fancy。〃

And　before　Erica　could　make　any　reply　Mrs。　Craigie　and　the　two　visitors　had　adjourned　to　the　committee　room；　leaving　her　alone　with　Tom。

Now；　for　two　or　three　days　Erica　had　been　enduring　Tom's　coldness　and　Mrs。　Craigie's　unceasing　remonstrances；　all　the　afternoon　she　had　been　having　a　long　and　painful　discussion　with　her　friend；　Mrs。　MacNaughton；　this　evening　she　had　seen　plainly　enough　what　her　position　would　be　for　the　future　among　all　her　old　acquaintances；　and　an　aching　sense　of　isolation　filled　her　heart。　　She　was　just　going　to　run　upstairs　and　yield　to　her　longing　for　darkness　and　quiet；　when　Tom　called　her　back。　　She　could　not　refuse　to　hear；　for　the　coldness　of　her　old　playmate　had　made　her　very　sad；　but　she　turned　back　rather　reluctantly；　for　her　eyes　were　brimming　with　tears。

〃Don't　go；〃　said　Tom；　quite　in　his　natural　voice。　　〃Have　you　any　coffee　for　me；　or　did　the　old　fogies　finish　it？〃

Erica　went　back　to　the　table　and　poured　him　out　a　cup　of　coffee；　but　her　hand　trembled；　and；　before　she　could　prevent　it；　down　splashed　a　great　tear　into　the　saucer。

〃Come！〃　said　Tom；　cheerfully。　　〃Don't　go　and　spoil　my　coffee　with　salt　water！　　All　very　well　for　David；　in　a　penitential　psalm；　to　drink　tears；　but　in　the　nineteenth　century；　you　know〃

Erica　began　to　laugh　at　this；　a　fatal　proceeding；　for　afterward　came　a　great　sob；　and　the　tears　came　down　in　good　earnest。　　Philosophical　Tom　always　professed　great　contempt　for　tears；　and　he　knew　that　Erica　must　be　very　much　moved　indeed　to　cry　in　his　presence；　or；　indeed；　to　cry　at　all；　for；　as　he　expressed　it：　〃It　was　not　in　her　line。〃　　But　somehow；　when　for　the　first　time　he　saw　her　cry；　he　did　not　feel　contemptuous；　instead；　he　began　to　call　himself　a　〃hard…hearted　brute；〃　and　a　narrow…minded　fool；　and　to　feel　miserable　and　out　of　conceit　with　himself。

〃I　say；　Erica；　don't　cry；〃　he　pleaded。　　〃Don't；　I　say；　I　can't　bear　to　see　you。　　I've　been　a　cold…blooded　wretch　I'm　awfully　sorry！〃

〃It's　very　cowardly　of　me；〃　sobbed　Erica。　　〃Butbut〃with　a　rush　of　tears；　〃you　don't　know　how　I　love　you　all　it's　like　being　killed　by　inches。〃

〃You're　not　cowardly；〃　said　Tom；　warmly。　　〃You've　been　brave　and　plucky；　I