the notch on the ax and on being found out-第63章

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Ay；　I　will　kill　him；　and　have　done　with　it。　　Why　should　I　pause　any
longer？　　The　knife　drags　my　hand　back　for　the　stroke。　　Only　the
dream　surrounds　me；　the　pure　man's　face　is　there；　white；
beseeching；　and　God's　voice　rings　in　my　heart

〃To　him　that　overcometh。〃

But　I　cannot　overcome。　　Evil　has　governed　my　life；　and　evil　is
stronger　than　I　am。　　What　shall　I　do？　what　shall　I　do？　　God；　if
Thou　art　stronger　than　evil；　fight　for　me。

〃The　victory　of　the　Cross　is　ours。〃

Yes；　I　know　it。　　It　is　true；　it　is　true。　　But　the　knife？　　I　cannot
loose　the　knife　if　I　would。　　How　to　wrench　it　from　my　own　hold？
Thou　God　of　Victory　be　with　me！　　Christ　help　me！

I　seize　the　blade　with　my　left　hand；　the　two…edged　steel　slides
through　my　grasp；　a　sharp　pain　in　fingers　and　palm；　and　then
nothing。　。　。　。

　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。


VI


When　I　again　became　conscious；　I　found　myself　half　kneeling；　half
lying　across　the　bed；　my　arms　stretched　out　in　front　of　me；　my　face
buried　in　the　clothes。　　Body　and　mind　were　alike　numbed。　　A
smarting　pain　in　my　left　hand；　a　dreadful　terror　in　my　heart；　were
at　first　the　only　sensations　of　which　I　was　aware。　　Slowly；　very
slowly；　sense　and　memory　returned　to　me；　and　with　them　a　more　vivid
intensity　of　mental　anguish；　as　detail　by　detail　I　recalled　the
weird　horror　of　the　night。　　Had　it　really　happened；was　the　thing
still　there；or　was　it　all　a　ghastly　nightmare？　　It　was　some
minutes　before　I　dared　either　to　move　or　look　up；　and　then
fearfully　I　raised　my　head。　　Before　me　stretched　the　smooth　white
coverlet；　faintly　bright　with　yellow　sunshine。　　Weak　and　giddy；　I
struggled　to　my　feet；　and；　steadying　myself　against　the　foot　of　the
bed；　with　clenched　teeth　and　bursting　heart；　forced　my　gaze　round
to　the　other　end。　　The　pillow　lay　there；　bare　and　unmarked　save　for
what　might　well　have　been　the　pressure　of　my　own　head。　　My　breath
came　more　freely；　and　I　turned　to　the　window。　　The　sun　had　just
risen；　the　golden　tree…tops　were　touched　with　light；　faint　threads
of　mist　hung　here　and　there　across　the　sky；　and　the　twittering　of
birds　sounded　clearly　through　the　crisp　autumn　air。

It　was　nothing　but　a　bad　dream　then；　after　all；　this　horror　which
still　hung　round　me；　leaving　me　incapable　of　effort；　almost　of
thought。　　I　remembered　the　cabinet；　and　looked　swiftly　in　that
direction。　　There　it　stood；　closed　as　usual；　closed　as　it　had　been
the　evening　before；　as　it　had　been　for　the　last　three　hundred
years；　except　in　my　dreams。

Yes；　that　was　it；　nothing　but　a　dream；a　gruesome；　haunting　dream。
With　an　instinct　of　wiping　out　the　dreadful　memory；　I　raised　my
hand　wearily　to　my　forehead。　　As　I　did　so；　I　became　conscious　again
of　how　it　hurt　me。　　I　looked　at　it。　　It　was　covered　with　half…dried
blood；　and　two　straight　clean　cuts　appeared；　one　across　the　palm
and　one　across　the　inside　of　the　fingers　just　below　the　knuckles。
I　looked　again　towards　the　bed；　and；　in　the　place　where　my　hand　had
rested　during　my　faint；　a　small　patch　of　red　blood　was　to　be　seen。

Then　it　was　true！　　Then　it　had　all　happened！　　With　a　low　shuddering
sob　I　threw　myself　down　upon　the　couch　at　the　foot　of　the　bed；　and
lay　there　for　some　minutes；　my　limbs　trembling；　and　my　soul
shrinking　within　me。　　A　mist　of　evil；　fearful　and　loathsome；　had
descended　upon　my　girlhood's　life；　sullying　its　ignorant　innocence；
saddening　its　brightness；　as　I　felt；　for　ever。　　I　lay　there　till　my
teeth　began　to　chatter；　and　I　realized　that　I　was　bitterly　cold。
To　return　to　that　accursed　bed　was　impossible；　so　I　pulled　a　rug
which　hung　at　one　end　of　the　sofa　over　me；　and；　utterly　worn　out　in
mind　and　body；　fell　uneasily　asleep。

I　was　roused　by　the　entrance　of　my　maid。　　I　stopped　her
exclamations　and　questions　by　shortly　stating　that　I　had　had　a　bad
night；　had　been　unable　to　rest　in　bed；　and　had　had　an　accident　with
my　hand；without　further　specifying　of　what　description。

〃I　didn't　know　that　you　had　been　feeling　unwell　when　you　went　to
bed　last　night；　miss；〃　she　said。

〃When　I　went　to　bed　last　night？　　Unwell？　　What　do　you　mean？〃

〃Only　Mr。　Alan　has　just　asked　me　to　let　him　know　how　you　find
yourself　this　morning；〃　she　answered。

Then　he　expected　something；　dreaded　something。　　Ah！　why　had　he
yielded　and　allowed　me　to　sleep　here；　I　asked　myself　bitterly；　as
the　incidents　of　the　day　before　flashed　through　my　mind。

〃Tell　him；〃　I　said；　〃what　I　have　told　you；　and　say　that　I　wish　to
speak　to　him　directly　after　breakfast。〃　　I　could　not　confide　my
story　to　any　one　else；　but　speak　of　it　I　must　to　some　one　or　go
mad。

Every　moment　passed　in　that　place　was　an　added　misery。　　Much　to　my
maid's　surprise　I　said　that　I　would　dress　in　her　roomthe　little
one　which；　as　I　have　said；　was　close　to　my　own。　　I　felt　better
there；　but　my　utter　fatigue　and　my　wounded　hand　combined　to　make　my
toilet　slow；　and　I　found　that　most　of　the　party　had　finished
breakfast　when　I　reached　the　dining…room。　　I　was　glad　of　this；　for
even　as　it　was　I　found　it　difficult　enough　to　give　coherent　answers
to　the　questions　which　my　white　face　and　bandaged　hand　called
forth。　　Alan　helped　me　by　giving　a　resolute　turn　to　the
conversation。　　Once　only　our　eyes　met　across　the　table。　　He　looked
as　haggard　and　worn　as　I　did：　I　learned　afterwards　that　he　had
passed　most　of　that　fearful　night　pacing　the　passage　outside　my
door；　though　he　listened　in　vain　for　any　indication　of　what　was
going　on　within　the　room。

The　moment　I　had　finished　breakfast　he　was　by　my　side。　　〃You　wish
to　speak　to　me？　now？〃　he　asked　in　a　low　tone。

〃Yes；　now；〃　I　answered；　breathlessly；　and　without　raising　my　eyes
from　the　ground。

〃Where　shall　we　go？　　Outside？　　It　is　a　bright　day；　and　we　shall　be
freer　there　from　interruption。〃

I　assented；　and　then　looking　up　at　him　appealingly；　〃Will　you　fetch
my　things　for　me？　　I　CANNOT　go　up　to　that　room　again。〃

He　seemed　to　understand　me；　nodded；　and　was　gone。　　A　few　minutes
later　we　left　the　house；　and　made　our　way　in　silence　towards　a
grassy　spot　on　the　side　of　the　ravine　where　we　had　already　indulged
in　more　than　one　friendly　talk。

As　we　went；　the　Dead　Stone　came　for　a　moment　into　view。　　I　seized
Alan's　arm　in　an　almost　convulsive　grip。　　〃Tell　me；〃　I　whispered；
〃you　refused　to　tell　me　yesterday；　but　you　must　now；who　is　buried
beneath　that　rock？〃

There　was　now　neither　timidity　nor　embarrassment　in　my　tone。　　The
horrors　of　that　house　had　become　part　of　my　life　for　ever；　and
their　secrets　were　mine　by　right。　　Alan；　after　a　moment's　pause；　a
questioning　glance　at　my　face；　tacitly　accepted　the　position。

〃I　told　you　the　truth；〃　he　replied；　〃when　I　said　that　I　did　not
know；　but　I　can　tell　you　the　popular　tradition　on　the　subject；　if
you　like。　　They　say　that　Margaret　Mervyn；　the　woman　who　murdered
her　husband；　is　buried　there；　and　that　Dame　Alice　had　the　rock
placed　over　her　grave；whether　to　save　it　from　insult　or　to　mark
it　out　for　opprobrium；　I　never　heard。　　The　poor　people　about　here
do　not　care　to　go　near　the　place　after　dark；　and　among　the　older
ones　there　are　still　some；　I　believe；　who　spit　at　the　suicide's
grave　as　they　pass。〃

〃Poor　woman；　poor　woman！〃　I　exclaimed；　in　a　burst　of　uncontrollable
compassion。

〃Why　should　you　pity　her？〃　demanded　he　with　sudden　sternness；　〃she
WAS　a　suicide　and　a　murderess　too。　　It　would　be　better　for　the
public　conscience；　I　believe；　if　such　were　still　hung　in　chains；　or
buried　at　the　cross…roads　with　a　stake　through　their　bodies。〃

〃Hush；　Alan；　hush！〃　I　cried　hysterically；　as　I　clung　to　him；　〃don't
speak　harshly　of　her：　you　do　not　know；　you　cannot　tell；　how
terribly　she　was　tempted。　　How　can　you？〃

He　looked　down　at　me　in　bewildered　surprise。　　〃How　can　I？〃　he
repeated。　　〃You　speak　as　if　YOU　could。　　What　do　you　mean？〃

〃Don't　ask　me；〃　I　answered；　turning　towards　him　my　face；white；
quivering；　tear…stained。　　〃Don't　ask　me。　　Not　now。　　You　must　answer
my　questions　first；　and　after　that　I　will　tell　you。　　But　I　cannot
talk　of　it　now。　　Not　yet。〃

We　had　reached　the　place　we　were　in　search　of　as　I　spoke。　　There；
where　the　spreading　roots　of　a　great　beech…tree　formed　a　natural
resting　place　upon　the　steep　side　of　the　ravine；　I　took　my　seat；
and　Alan　stretched　himself　upon　the　grass　beside　me。　　Then　looking
up　at　me〃I　do　not　know　what　questions　you　would　ask；〃　he　said；
quietly；　〃but　I　will　answer　them；　whatever　they　may　be。〃

But　I　did　not　ask　them　yet。　　I　sat　instead　with　my　hands　clasping
my　knee；　looking　opposite　at　the　glory　of　harmonious　color；　or　down
the　glen　at　the　vista　of　far…off；　dream…like　loveliness；　on　which
it　opened　out。　　The　yellow　autumn　sunshine　made　everything　golden；
the　fresh　autumn　breezes　filled　the　air　with　life；　but　to　me　a
loathsome　shadow　seemed　to　rest　upon　all；　and　to　stretch　itself　out
far　beyond　where　my　eyes　could　reach；　befouling　the　beauty　of　the
whole　wide　world。　　At　last　I　spoke。　　〃You　have　known　of　it　all；　I
suppose；　of　this　curse　that　is　in　the　world；sin　and　suffering；
and　what　such　words　mean。〃

〃Yes；〃　he　said；　looking　at　me　with　wondering　pity；　〃I　am　afraid
so。〃

〃But　have　you　known　them　as　they　are　known　to　some；agonized；
hopeless　suffering；　and　sin　that　is　all　but　inevitable？　　Some　time
in　your　life　probably　you　have　realized　that　such　things　are：　it
has　come　home　to　you；　and　to　every　one　else；　no　doubt；　except　a　few
ignorant　girls　such　as　I　was　yesterday。　　But　there　are　some；yes；
thousands　and　thousands；who　even　now；　at　this　moment；　are　feeling
sorrow　like　that；　are　sinking　deep；　deeper　into　the　bottomless　pit
of　their　soul's　degradation。　　And　yet　men　who　know　this；　who　have
seen　it；　laugh；　talk；　are　happy；　amuse　themselveshow　can　they；
how　can　they？〃　　I　stopped　with　a　catch　in　my　voice；　and　then
stretching　out　my　arms　in　front　of　me〃And　it　is　not　only　men。
Look　how　beautiful　the　earth　is；　and　God　has　made　it；　and　lets　the
sun　crown　it　every　day　with　a　new　glory；　while　this　horror　of　evil
broods　over　and　poisons　it　all。　　Oh；　why　is　it　so？　　I　cannot
understand　it。〃

My　arms　drooped　again　as　I　finished；　and　my　eyes　sought　Alan's。
His　were　full　of　tears；　but　there　was　almost　a　smile　quivering　at
the　corners　of　his　lips　as　he　replied：　〃When　you　have　found　an
answer　to　that　question；　Evie；　come　and　tell　me　and　mankind　at
large：　it　will　be　news　to　us　all。〃　　Then　he　continued〃But；　after
all；　the　earth　is　beautiful；　and　the　sun　does　shine：　we　have　our
own　happiness　to　rejoice　in；　our　own　sorrows　to　bear；　the　suffering
that　is　near　to　us　to　grapple　with。　　For　the　rest；　for　this
blackness　of　evil　which　surrounds　us；　and　which　we　can　do　nothing
to　lighten；　it　will　soon；　thank　God；　become　vague　and　far　off　to
you　as　it　is　to　others：　your　feeling　of　it　will　be　dulled；　and；
except　at　moments；　you　too　will　forget。〃

〃But　that　is　horrible；〃　I　exclaimed；　passionately；　〃the　evil　will
be　there　all　the　same；　whether　I　feel　it　or　not。　　Men　and　women
will　be　struggling　in　their　misery　and　sin；　only　I　shall　be　too
selfish　to　care。〃

〃We　cannot　go　outside　the　limits　of　our　own　nature；〃　he　replied；
〃our　knowledge　is　shallow　and　our　spiritual　insight　dark；　and　God
in　His　mercy　has　made　our　hearts　shallow　too；　and　our　imagination
dull。　　If；　knowing　and　trusting　o