eugene pickering-第3章

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through　the　veil　of　his　personal　diffidence。



〃I　have　not　sailed　round　the　world；　as　you　suppose；〃　I　said；　〃but　I

confess　I　envy　you　the　novelties　you　are　going　to　behold。　　Coming　to

Homburg　you　have　plunged　in　medias　res。〃



He　glanced　at　me　to　see　if　my　remark　contained　an　allusion；　and

hesitated　a　moment。　　〃Yes；　I　know　it。　　I　came　to　Bremen　in　the

steamer　with　a　very　friendly　German；　who　undertook　to　initiate　me

into　the　glories　and　mysteries　of　the　Fatherland。　　At　this　season；　he

said；　I　must　begin　with　Homburg。　　I　landed　but　a　fortnight　ago；　and

here　I　am。〃　　Again　he　hesitated；　as　if　he　were　going　to　add　something

about　the　scene　at　the　Kursaal　but　suddenly；　nervously；　he　took　up

the　letter　which　was　lying　beside　him；　looked　hard　at　the　seal　with　a

troubled　frown；　and　then　flung　it　back　on　the　grass　with　a　sigh。



〃How　long　do　you　expect　to　be　in　Europe？〃　I　asked。



〃Six　months　I　supposed　when　I　came。　　But　not　so　longnow！〃　　And　he

let　his　eyes　wander　to　the　letter　again。



〃And　where　shall　you　gowhat　shall　you　do？〃



〃Everywhere；　everything；　I　should　have　said　yesterday。　　But　now　it　is

different。〃



I　glanced　at　the　letterinterrogatively；　and　he　gravely　picked　it　up

and　put　it　into　his　pocket。　　We　talked　for　a　while　longer；　but　I　saw

that　he　had　suddenly　become　preoccupied；　that　he　was　apparently

weighing　an　impulse　to　break　some　last　barrier　of　reserve。　　At　last

he　suddenly　laid　his　hand　on　my　arm；　looked　at　me　a　moment

appealingly；　and　cried；　〃Upon　my　word；　I　should　like　to　tell　you

everything！〃



〃Tell　me　everything；　by　all　means；〃　I　answered；　smiling。　〃I　desire

nothing　better　than　to　lie　here　in　the　shade　and　hear　everything。〃



〃Ah；　but　the　question　is；　will　you　understand　it？　　No　matter；　you

think　me　a　queer　fellow　already。　　It's　not　easy；　either；　to　tell　you

what　I　feelnot　easy　for　so　queer　a　fellow　as　I　to　tell　you　in　how

many　ways　he　is　queer！〃　　He　got　up　and　walked　away　a　moment；　passing

his　hand　over　his　eyes；　then　came　back　rapidly　and　flung　himself　on

the　grass　again。　　〃I　said　just　now　I　always　supposed　I　was　happy；

it's　true；　but　now　that　my　eyes　are　open；　I　see　I　was　only

stultified。　　I　was　like　a　poodle…dog　that　is　led　about　by　a　blue

ribbon；　and　scoured　and　combed　and　fed　on　slops。　　It　was　not　life；

life　is　learning　to　know　one's　self；　and　in　that　sense　I　have　lived

more　in　the　past　six　weeks　than　in　all　the　years　that　preceded　them。

I　am　filled　with　this　feverish　sense　of　liberation；　it　keeps　rising

to　my　head　like　the　fumes　of　strong　wine。　　I　find　I　am　an　active；

sentient；　intelligent　creature；　with　desires；　with　passions；　with

possible　convictionseven　with　what　I　never　dreamed　of；　a　possible

will　of　my　own！　　I　find　there　is　a　world　to　know；　a　life　to　lead；　men

and　women　to　form　a　thousand　relations　with。　　It　all　lies　there　like

a　great　surging　sea；　where　we　must　plunge　and　dive　and　feel　the

breeze　and　breast　the　waves。　　I　stand　shivering　here　on　the　brink；

staring；　longing；　wondering；　charmed　by　the　smell　of　the　brine　and

yet　afraid　of　the　water。　　The　world　beckons　and　smiles　and　calls；　but

a　nameless　influence　from　the　past；　that　I　can　neither　wholly　obey

nor　wholly　resist；　seems　to　hold　me　back。　　I　am　full　of　impulses；

but；　somehow；　I　am　not　full　of　strength。　　Life　seems　inspiring　at

certain　moments；　but　it　seems　terrible　and　unsafe；　and　I　ask　myself

why　I　should　wantonly　measure　myself　with　merciless　forces；　when　I

have　learned　so　well　how　to　stand　aside　and　let　them　pass。　　Why

shouldn't　I　turn　my　back　upon　it　all　and　go　home　towhat　awaits　me？…

…to　that　sightless；　soundless　country　life；　and　long　days　spent　among

old　books？　　But　if　a　man　IS　weak；　he　doesn't　want　to　assent

beforehand　to　his　weakness；　he　wants　to　taste　whatever　sweetness

there　may　be　in　paying　for　the　knowledge。　　So　it　is　that　it　comes

backthis　irresistible　impulse　to　take　my　plungeto　let　myself

swing；　to　go　where　liberty　leads　me。〃　　He　paused　a　moment；　fixing　me

with　his　excited　eyes；　and　perhaps　perceived　in　my　own　an

irrepressible　smile　at　his　perplexity。　　〃'Swing　ahead；　in　Heaven's

name；'　you　want　to　say；　'and　much　good　may　it　do　you。'　　I　don't　know

whether　you　are　laughing　at　my　scruples　or　at　what　possibly　strikes

you　as　my　depravity。　　I　doubt；〃　he　went　on　gravely；　〃whether　I　have

an　inclination　toward　wrong…doing；　if　I　have；　I　am　sure　I　shall　not

prosper　in　it。　　I　honestly　believe　I　may　safely　take　out　a　license　to

amuse　myself。　　But　it　isn't　that　I　think　of；　any　more　than　I　dream

of；　playing　with　suffering。　　Pleasure　and　pain　are　empty　words　to　me；

what　I　long　for　is　knowledgesome　other　knowledge　than　comes　to　us

in　formal；　colourless；　impersonal　precept。　　You　would　understand　all

this　better　if　you　could　breathe　for　an　hour　the　musty　in…door

atmosphere　in　which　I　have　always　lived。　　To　break　a　window　and　let

in　light　and　airI　feel　as　if　at　last　I　must　ACT！〃



〃Act；　by　all　means；　now　and　always；　when　you　have　a　chance；〃　I

answered。　　〃But　don't　take　things　too　hard；　now　or　ever。　　Your　long

confinement　makes　you　think　the　world　better　worth　knowing　than　you

are　likely　to　find　it。　　A　man　with　as　good　a　head　and　heart　as　yours

has　a　very　ample　world　within　himself；　and　I　am　no　believer　in　art

for　art；　nor　in　what's　called　'life'　for　life's　sake。　　Nevertheless；

take　your　plunge；　and　come　and　tell　me　whether　you　have　found　the

pearl　of　wisdom。〃　　He　frowned　a　little；　as　if　he　thought　my　sympathy

a　trifle　meagre。　　I　shook　him　by　the　hand　and　laughed。　　〃The　pearl　of

wisdom；〃　I　cried；　〃is　love；　honest　love　in　the　most　convenient

concentration　of　experience！　　I　advise　you　to　fall　in　love。〃　　He　gave

me　no　smile　in　response；　but　drew　from　his　pocket　the　letter　of　which

I　have　spoken；　held　it　up；　and　shook　it　solemnly。　　〃What　is　it？〃　I

asked。



〃It　is　my　sentence！〃



〃Not　of　death；　I　hope！〃



〃Of　marriage。〃



〃With　whom？〃



〃With　a　person　I　don't　love。〃



This　was　serious。　　I　stopped　smiling；　and　begged　him　to　explain。



〃It　is　the　singular　part　of　my　story；〃　he　said　at　last。　　〃It　will

remind　you　of　an　old…fashioned　romance。　　Such　as　I　sit　here；　talking

in　this　wild　way；　and　tossing　off　provocations　to　destiny；　my　destiny

is　settled　and　sealed。　　I　am　engaged；　I　am　given　in　marriage。　　It's　a

bequest　of　the　pastthe　past　I　had　no　hand　in！　　The　marriage　was

arranged　by　my　father；　years　ago；　when　I　was　a　boy。　　The　young　girl's

father　was　his　particular　friend；　he　was　also　a　widower；　and　was

bringing　up　his　daughter；　on　his　side；　in　the　same　severe　seclusion

in　which　I　was　spending　my　days。　　To　this　day　I　am　unacquainted　with

the　origin　of　the　bond　of　union　between　our　respective　progenitors。

Mr。　Vernor　was　largely　engaged　in　business；　and　I　imagine　that　once

upon　a　time　he　found　himself　in　a　financial　strait　and　was　helped

through　it　by　my　father's　coming　forward　with　a　heavy　loan；　on　which；

in　his　situation；　he　could　offer　no　security　but　his　word。　　Of　this

my　father　was　quite　capable。　　He　was　a　man　of　dogmas；　and　he　was　sure

to　have　a　rule　of　lifeas　clear　as　if　it　had　been　written　out　in　his

beautiful　copper…plate　handadapted　to　the　conduct　of　a　gentleman

toward　a　friend　in　pecuniary　embarrassment。　　What　is　more；　he　was

sure　to　adhere　to　it。　　Mr。　Vernor；　I　believe；　got　on　his　feet；　paid

his　debt；　and　vowed　my　father　an　eternal　gratitude。　　His　little

daughter　was　the　apple　of　his　eye；　and　he　pledged　himself　to　bring

her　up　to　be　the　wife　of　his　benefactor's　son。　　So　our　fate　was

fixed；　parentally；　and　we　have　been　educated　for　each　other。　　I　have

not　seen　my　betrothed　since　she　was　a　very　plain…faced　little　girl　in

a　sticky　pinafore；　hugging　a　one…armed　dollof　the　male　sex；　I

believeas　big　as　herself。　　Mr。　Vernor　is　in　what　is　called　the

Eastern　trade；　and　has　been　living　these　many　years　at　Smyrna。

Isabel　has　grown　up　there　in　a　white…walled　garden；　in　an　orange

grove；　between　her　father　and　her　governess。　　She　is　a　good　deal　my

junior；　six　months　ago　she　was　seventeen；　when　she　is　eighteen　we　are

to　marry。〃



He　related　all　this　calmly　enough；　without　the　accent　of　complaint；

drily　rather　and　doggedly；　as　if　he　were　weary　of　thinking　of　it。

〃It's　a　romance；　indeed；　for　these　dull　days；〃　I　said；　〃and　I

heartily　congratulate　you。　　It's　not　every　young　man　who　finds；　on

reaching　the　marrying　age；　a　wife　kept　in　a　box　of　rose…leaves　for

him。　　A　thousand　to　one　Miss　Vernor　is　charming；　I　wonder　you　don't

post　off　to　Smyrna。〃



〃You　are　joking；〃　he　answered；　with　a　wounded　air；　〃and　I　am　terribly

serious。　　Let　me　tell　you　the　rest。　　I　never　suspected　this　superior

conspiracy　till　something　less　than　a　year　ago。　　My　father；　wishing

to　provide　against　his　death；　informed　me　of　it　very　solemnly。　　I　was

neither　elated　nor　depressed；　I　received　it；　as　I　remember；　with　a

sort　of　emotion　which　varied　only　in　degree　from　that　with　which　I

could　have　hailed　the　announcement　that　he　had　ordered　me　a　set　of

new　shirts。　　I　supposed　that　was　the　way　that　all　marriages　were

made；　I　had　heard　of　their　being　made　in　heaven；　and　what　was　my

father　but　a　divinity？　　Novels　and　poems；　indeed；　talked　about

falling　in　love；　but　novels　and　poems　were　one　thing　and　life　was

another。　　A　short　time　afterwards　he　introduced　me　to　a　photograph　of

my　predestined；　who　has　a　pretty；　but　an　extremely　inanimate；　face。

After　this　his　health　failed　rapidly。　　One　night　I　was　sitting；　as　I

habitually　sat　for　hours；　in　his　dimly…lighted　room；　near　his　bed；　to

which　he　had　been　confined　for　a　week。　　He　had　not　spoken　for　some

time；　and　I　supposed　he　was　asleep；　but　happening　to　look　at　him　I

saw　his　eyes　wide　open；　and　fixed　on　me　strangely。　　He　was　smiling

benignantly；　intensely；　and　in　a　moment　he　beckoned　to　me。　　Then；　on

my　going　to　him'I　feel　that　I　shall　not　last　long；'　he　said；　'but　I

am　willing　to　die　when　I　think　how　comfortably　I　have　arranged　your

future。'　　He　was　talking　of　death；　and　anything　but　grief　at　that

moment　was　doubtless　impious　and　monstrous；　but　there　came　into　my

heart　for　the　first　time　a　throbbing　sense　of　being　over…governed。　　I

said　nothing；　and　he　thought　my　silence　was　all　sorrow。　　'I　shall　not

live　to　see　you　married；'　he　went　on；　'but　since　the　foundation　is

laid；　that　little　signifies；　it　would　be　a　selfish　pleasure；　and　I

have　never　thought　of　myself　but　in　you。　　To　foresee　your　future；　in

its　main　outline；　to　know　to　a　certainty　that　you　will　be　safely

domiciled　here；　with　a　wife　approved　by　my　judgment；　cultivating　the

moral　fruit　of　which　I　have　sown　the　seedthis　will　content　me。

But；　my　son；　I　wish　to　clear　this　bright　vision　from　the　shadow　of　a

doubt。　　I　believe　in　your　docility；　I　believe　I　may　trust　the

salutary　force　of　your　respect　for　my　memory。　　But　I　must　remember

that　when　I　am　removed　you　will　stand　here　alone；　face　to　face　with　a

hundred　nameless　temptations　to　perversity。　　The　fumes　of　unrighteous

pride　may　rise　i