all roads lead to calvary-第29章

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〃That's　not　bringing　me　up　well；〃　suggested　Joan：　　〃putting　those　ideas　into　my　head。〃

〃Oh；　well；　one　can't　help　one's　thoughts；〃　explained　Flossie。　　〃It　would　be　a　blessing　all　round。〃

They　had　risen。　　Joan　folded　her　hands。　　〃Thank　you　for　your　scolding；　ma'am；〃　she　said。　　〃Shall　I　write　out　a　hundred　lines　of　Greek？　　Or　do　you　think　it　will　be　sufficient　if　I　promise　never　to　do　it　again？〃

〃You　mean　it？〃　said　Flossie。　　〃Of　course　you　will　go　on　seeing　him…　…visiting　them；　and　all　that。　　But　you　won't　go　gadding　about；　so　that　people　can　talk？〃

〃Only　through　the　bars；　in　future；〃　she　promised。　　〃With　the　gaoler　between　us。〃　　She　put　her　arms　round　Flossie　and　bent　her　head；　so　that　her　face　was　hidden。

Flossie　still　seemed　troubled。　　She　held　on　to　Joan。

〃You　are　sure　of　yourself？〃　she　asked。　　〃We're　only　the　female　of　the　species。　　We　get　hungry　and　thirsty；　too。　　You　know　that；　kiddy；　don't　you？〃

Joan　laughed　without　raising　her　face。　　〃Yes；　ma'am；　I　know　that；〃　she　answered。　　〃I'll　be　good。〃

She　sat　in　the　dusk　after　Flossie　had　gone；　and　the　laboured　breathing　of　the　tired　city　came　to　her　through　the　open　window。　She　had　rather　fancied　that　martyr's　crown。　　It　had　not　looked　so　very　heavy；　the　thorns　not　so　very　alarmingas　seen　through　the　window。　　She　would　wear　it　bravely。　　It　would　rather　become　her。

Facing　the　mirror　of　the　days　to　come；　she　tried　it　on。　　It　was　going　to　hurt。　　There　was　no　doubt　of　that。　　She　saw　the　fatuous；　approving　face　of　the　eternal　Mrs。　Phillips；　thrust　ever　between　them；　against　the　background　of　that　hideous　furniture；　of　those　bilious　wall　papersthe　loneliness　that　would　ever　walk　with　her；　sit　down　beside　her　in　the　crowded　restaurant；　steal　up　the　staircase　with　her；　creep　step　by　step　with　her　from　room　to　room　the　ever　unsatisfied　yearning　for　a　tender　word；　a　kindly　touch。　Yes；　it　was　going　to　hurt。

Poor　Robert！　　It　would　be　hard　on　him；　too。　　She　could　not　help　feeling　consolation　in　the　thought　that　he　also　would　be　wearing　that　invisible　crown。

She　must　write　to　him。　　The　sooner　it　was　done；　the　better。　　Half　a　dozen　contradictory　moods　passed　over　her　during　the　composing　of　that　letter；　but　to　her　they　seemed　but　the　unfolding　of　a　single　thought。　　On　one　page　it　might　have　been　his　mother　writing　to　him；　an　experienced；　sagacious　lady；　quite　aware；　in　spite　of　her　affection　for　him；　of　his　faults　and　weaknesses；　solicitous　that　he　should　avoid　the　dangers　of　an　embarrassing　entanglement；　his　happiness　being　the　only　consideration　of　importance。　　On　others　it　might　have　been　a　queen　laying　her　immutable　commands　upon　some　loyal　subject；　sworn　to　her　service。　　Part　of　it　might　have　been　written　by　a　laughing　philosopher　who　had　learnt　the　folly　of　taking　life　too　seriously；　knowing　that　all　things　pass：　　that　the　tears　of　to…day　will　be　remembered　with　a　smile。　　And　a　part　of　it　was　the　unconsidered　language　of　a　loving　woman。　　And　those　were　the　pages　that　he　kissed。

His　letter　in　answer　was　much　shorter。　　Of　course　he　would　obey　her　wishes。　　He　had　been　selfish；　thinking　only　of　himself。　　As　for　his　political　career；　he　did　not　see　how　that　was　going　to　suffer　by　his　being　occasionally　seen　in　company　with　one　of　the　most　brilliantly　intellectual　women　in　London；　known　to　share　his　views。　And　he　didn't　care　if　it　did。　　But　inasmuch　as　she　valued　it；　all　things　should　be　sacrificed　to　it。　　It　was　hers　to　do　what　she　would　with。　　It　was　the　only　thing　he　had　to　offer　her。

Their　meetings　became　confined；　as　before；　to　the　little　house　in　North　Street。　　But　it　really　seemed　as　if　the　gods；　appeased　by　their　submission；　had　decided　to　be　kind。　　Hilda　was　home　for　the　holidays；　and　her　piercing　eyes　took　in　the　situation　at　a　flash。　She　appeared　to　have　returned　with　a　new…born　and　exacting　affection　for　her　mother；　that　astonished　almost　as　much　as　it　delighted　the　poor　lady。　　Feeling　sudden　desire　for　a　walk　or　a　bus　ride；　or　to　be　taken　to　an　entertainment；　no　one　was　of　any　use　to　Hilda　but　her　mother。　　Daddy　had　his　silly　politics　to　think　and　talk　about。　　He　must　worry　them　out　alone；　or　with　the　assistance　of　Miss　Allway。　　That　was　what　she　was　there　for。　　Mrs。　Phillips；　torn　between　her　sense　of　duty　and　fear　of　losing　this　new　happiness；　would　yield　to　the　child's　coaxing。　　Often　they　would　be　left　alone　to　discuss　the　nation's　needs　uninterrupted。　Conscientiously　they　would　apply　themselves　to　the　task。　　Always　to　find　that；　sooner　or　later；　they　were　looking　at　one　another；　in　silence。

One　day　Phillips　burst　into　a　curious　laugh。　　They　had　been　discussing　the　problem　of　the　smallholder。　　Joan　had　put　a　question　to　him；　and　with　a　slight　start　he　had　asked　her　to　repeat　it。　　But　it　seemed　she　had　forgotten　it。

〃I　had　to　see　our　solicitor　one　morning；〃　he　explained；　〃when　I　was　secretary　to　a　miners'　union　up　north。　　A　point　had　arisen　concerning　the　legality　of　certain　payments。　　It　was　a　matter　of　vast　importance　to　us；　but　he　didn't　seem　to　be　taking　any　interest；　and　suddenly　he　jumped　up。　　'I'm　sorry；　Phillips；'　he　said；　'but　I've　got　a　big　trouble　of　my　own　on　at　homeI　guess　you　know　whatand　I　don't　seem　to　care　a　damn　about　yours。　　You'd　better　see　Delauny；　if　you're　in　a　hurry。'　　And　I　did。〃

He　turned　and　leant　over　his　desk。　　〃I　guess　they'll　have　to　find　another　leader　if　they're　in　a　hurry；〃　he　added。　　〃I　don't　seem　able　to　think　about　turnips　and　cows。〃

〃Don't　make　me　feel　I've　interfered　with　your　work　only　to　spoil　it；〃　　said　Joan。

〃I　guess　I'm　spoiling　yours；　too；〃　he　answered。　　〃I'm　not　worth　it。　I　might　have　done　something　to　win　you　and　keep　you。　　I'm　not　going　to　do　much　without　you。〃

〃You　mean　my　friendship　is　going　to　be　of　no　use　to　you？〃　asked　Joan。

He　raised　his　eyes　and　fixed　them　on　her　with　a　pleading；　dog…like　look。

〃For　God's　sake　don't　take　even　that　away　from　me；〃　he　said。　〃Unless　you　want　me　to　go　to　pieces　altogether。　　A　crust　does　just　keep　one　alive。　　One　can't　help　thinking　what　a　fine；　strong　chap　one　might　be　if　one　wasn't　always　hungry。〃

She　felt　so　sorry　for　him。　　He　looked　such　a　boy；　with　the　angry　tears　in　his　clear　blue　eyes；　and　that　little　childish　quivering　of　the　kind；　strong；　sulky　mouth。

She　rose　and　took　his　head　between　her　hands　and　turned　his　face　towards　her。　　She　had　meant　to　scold　him；　but　changed　her　mind　and　laid　his　head　against　her　breast　and　held　it　there。

He　clung　to　her；　as　a　troubled　child　might；　with　his　arms　clasped　round　her；　and　his　head　against　her　breast。　　And　a　mist　rose　up　before　her；　and　strange；　commanding　voices　seemed　calling　to　her。

He　could　not　see　her　face。　　She　watched　it　herself　with　dim　half　consciousness　as　it　changed　before　her　in　the　tawdry　mirror　above　the　mantelpiece；　half　longing　that　he　might　look　up　and　see　it；　half　terrified　lest　he　should。

With　an　effort　that　seemed　to　turn　her　into　stone；　she　regained　command　over　herself。

〃I　must　go　now；〃　she　said　in　a　harsh　voice；　and　he　released　her。

〃I'm　afraid　I'm　an　awful　nuisance　to　you；〃　he　said。　　〃I　get　these　moods　at　times。　　You're　not　angry　with　me？〃

〃No；〃　she　answered　with　a　smile。　　〃But　it　will　hurt　me　if　you　fail。　Remember　that。〃

She　turned　down　the　Embankment　after　leaving　the　house。　　She　always　found　the　river　strong　and　restful。　　So　it　was　not　only　bad　women　that　needed　to　be　afraid　of　themselveseven　to　the　most　high…class　young　woman；　with　letters　after　her　name；　and　altruistic　interests：　even　to　her；　also；　the　longing　for　the　lover's　clasp。　　Flossie　had　been　right。　　Mother　Nature　was　not　to　be　flouted　of　her　children　not　even　of　her　new　daughters；　to　them；　likewise；　the　family　trait。

She　would　have　run　away　if　she　could；　leaving　him　to　guess　at　her　real　reasonif　he　were　smart　enough。　　But　that　would　have　meant　excuses　and　explanations　all　round。　　She　was　writing　a　daily　column　of　notes　for　Greyson　now；　in　addition　to　the　weekly　letter　from　Clorinda；　and　Mrs。　Denton；　having　compromised　with　her　first　dreams；　was　delegating　to　Joan　more　and　more　of　her　work。　　She　wrote　to　Mrs。　Phillips　that　she　was　feeling　unwell　and　would　be　unable　to　lunch　with　them　on　the　Sunday；　as　had　been　arranged。　Mrs。　Phillips；　much　disappointed；　suggested　Wednesday；　but　it　seemed　on　Wednesday　she　was　no　better。　　And　so　it　drifted　on　for　about　a　fortnight；　without　her　finding　the　courage　to　come　to　any　decision；　and　then　one　morning；　turning　the　corner　into　Abingdon　Street；　she　felt　a　slight　pull　at　her　sleeve；　and　Hilda　was　beside　her。　　The　child　had　shown　an　uncanny　intuition　in　not　knocking　at　the　door。　　Joan　had　been　fearing　that；　and　would　have　sent　down　word　that　she　was　out。　　But　it　had　to　be　faced。

〃Are　you　never　coming　again？〃　asked　the　child。

〃Of　course；〃　answered　Joan；　〃when　I'm　better。　　I'm　not　very　well　just　now。　　It's　the　weather；　I　suppose。〃

The　child　turned　her　head　as　they　walked　and　looked　at　her。　　Joan　felt　herself　smarting　under　that　look；　but　persisted。

〃I'm　very　much　run　down；〃　she　said。　　〃I　may　have　to　go　away。〃

〃You　promised　to　help　him；〃　said　the　child。

〃I　can't　if　I'm　ill；〃　retorted　Joan。　　〃Besides；　I　am　helping　him。　There　are　other　ways　of　helping　people　than　by　wasting　their　time　talking　to　them。〃

〃He　wants　you；〃　said　the　child。　　〃It's　your　being　there　that　helps　him。〃

Joan　stopped　and　turned。　　〃Did　he　send　you？〃　she　asked。

〃No；〃　the　child　answered。　　〃Mama　had　a　headache　this　morning；　and　I　slipped　out。　　You're　not　keeping　your　promise。〃

Palace　Yard；　save　for　a　statuesque　policeman；　was　empty。

〃How　do　you　know　that　my　being　with　him　helps　him？〃　asked　Joan。

〃You　know　things　when　you　love　anybody；〃　explained　the　child。　　〃You　feel　them。　　You　will　come　again；　soon？〃

Joan　did　not　answer。

〃You're　frightened；〃　the　child　continued　in　a　passionate；　low　voice。　　〃You　think　that　people　will　talk　about　you　and　look　down　upon　you。　　You　oughtn't　to　think　about　yourself。　　You　ought　to　think　only　about　him　and　his　work。　　Nothing　else　matters。〃

〃I　am　thinking　about　him　and　his　work；〃　Joan　answered。　　Her　hand　sought　Hilda's　and　held　it。　　〃There　are　things　you　don't　understand。　　Men　and　women　can't　help　each　other　in　the　way　you　think。　　They　may　try　to；　and　mean　no　harm　in　the　beginning；　but　the　harm　comes；　and　then　not　only　the　woman　but　the　man　also　suffers；　and　his　work　is　spoilt　and　his　life　ruined。〃

The　small；　hot　hand　clasped　Joan's　convulsively。

〃But　he　won't　be　able　to　do　his　work　if　you　keep　away　and　never　come　back　to　him；〃　she　persisted。　　〃Oh；　I　know　it。　　It　all　depends　upon　you。　　He　wants　you。〃

〃And　I　want　him；　if　that's　any　consolation　to　you；〃　Joan　answered　with　a　short　laugh。　　It　wasn't　much　of　a　confession。　　The　child　was　cute　enough　to　have　found　that　out　for　herself。　　〃Only　you　see　I　can't　have　him。　　And　there's　an　end　of　it。〃

They　had　reached　the　Abbey。　　Joan　turned　and　they　retraced　their　steps　slowly。

〃I　shall　be　going　away　soon；　for　a　little　while；〃　she　said。　　The　talk　had　helped　her　to　decision。　　〃When　I　come　back　I　will　come　and　see　you　all。　　And　you　must　all　come　and　see　me；　now　and　then。　　I　expect　I　shall　have　a　flat　of　my　own。　　My　father　may　be　coming　to　live　with　me。　　Good…bye。　　Do　all　you　can　to　help　him。〃

She　stooped　and　kissed　the　child；　straining　her　to　her　almost　fiercely。　　But　the