all roads lead to calvary-第38章

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n　hands；　this　time。　How　long　will　they　keep　clean？　　The　people　who　only　live　for　making　money：　　how　long　do　you　think　they　will　remain　silent？　　What　has　been　all　the　talk　of　the　last　ten　years　but　of　capturing　German　trade。　　We　shall　be　told　that　we　owe　it　to　our　dead　to　make　a　profit　out　of　them；　that　otherwise　they　will　have　died　in　vain。　Who　will　care　for　the　people　but　to　use　them　for　killing　one　anotherto　hound　them　on　like　dogs。　　In　every　country　nothing　but　greed　and　hatred　will　be　preached。　　Horrible　men　and　women　will　write　to　the　papers　crying　out　for　more　blood；　more　cruelty。　Everything　that　can　make　for　anger　and　revenge　will　be　screamed　from　every　newspaper。　　Every　plea　for　humanity　will　be　jeered　at　as　'sickly　sentimentality。'　　Every　man　and　woman　who　remembers　the　ideals　with　which　we　started　will　be　shrieked　at　as　a　traitor。　　The　people　who　are　doing　well　out　of　it；　they　will　get　hold　of　the　Press；　appeal　to　the　passions　of　the　mob。　　Nobody　else　will　be　allowed　to　speak。　　It　always　has　been　so　in　war。　　It　always　will　be。　　This　will　be　no　exception　merely　because　it's　bigger。　　Every　country　will　be　given　over　to　savagery。　　There　will　be　no　appeal　against　it。　　The　whole　world　will　sink　back　into　the　beast。〃

She　ended　by　rising　abruptly　and　wishing　them　goodnight。　　Her　outburst　had　silenced　Joan's　impish　drummer；　for　the　time。　　He　appeared　to　be　nervous　and　depressed；　but　bucked　up　again　on　the　way　to　the　bus。　　Greyson　walked　with　her　as　usual。　　They　took　the　long　way　round　by　the　outer　circle。

〃Poor　Mary！〃　he　said。　　〃I　should　not　have　talked　before　her　if　I　had　thought。　　Her　horror　of　war　is　almost　physical。　　She　will　not　even　read　about　them。　　It　has　the　same　effect　upon　her　as　stories　of　cruelty。〃

〃But　there's　truth　in　a　good　deal　that　she　says；〃　he　added。　　〃War　can　bring　out　all　that　is　best　in　a　people；　but　also　it　brings　out　the　worst。　　We　shall　have　to　take　care　that　the　ideals　are　not　lost　sight　of。〃

〃I　wish　this　wretched　business　of　the　paper　hadn't　come　just　at　this　time；〃　said　Joan：　　〃just　when　your　voice　is　most　needed。

〃Couldn't　you　get　enough　money　together　to　start　something　quickly；〃　she　continued；　the　idea　suddenly　coming　to　her。　　〃I　think　I　could　help　you。　　It　wouldn't　matter　its　being　something　small　to　begin　with。　　So　long　as　it　was　entirely　your　own；　and　couldn't　be　taken　away　from　you。　　You'd　soon　work　it　up。〃

〃Thanks；〃　he　answered。　　〃I　may　ask　you　to　later　on。　　But　just　now　〃　　He　paused。

Of　course。　　For　war　you　wanted　men；　to　fight。　　She　had　been　thinking　of　them　in　the　lump：　　hurrying　masses　such　as　one　sees　on　cinema　screens；　blurred　but　picturesque。　　Of　course；　when　you　came　to　think　of　it；　they　would　have　to　be　made　up　of　individuals　gallant…hearted；　boyish　sort　of　men　who　would　pass　through　doors；　one　at　a　time；　into　little　rooms；　give　their　name　and　address　to　a　soldier　man　seated　at　a　big　deal　table。　　Later　on；　one　would　say　good…bye　to　them　on　crowded　platforms；　wave　a　handkerchief。　　Not　all　of　them　would　come　back。　　〃You　can't　make　omelettes　without　breaking　eggs；〃　she　told　herself。

It　annoyed　her；　that　silly　saying　having　come　into　her　mind。　　She　could　see　them　lying　there；　with　their　white　faces　to　the　night。　Surely　she　might　have　thought　of　some　remark　less　idiotic　to　make　to　herself；　at　such　a　time。

He　was　explaining　to　her　things　about　the　air　service。　　It　seemed　he　had　had　experience　in　flyingsome　relation　of　his　with　whom　he　had　spent　a　holiday　last　summer。

It　would　mean　his　getting　out　quickly。　　He　seemed　quite　eager　to　be　gone。

〃Isn't　it　rather　dangerous　work？〃　she　asked。　　She　felt　it　was　a　footling　question　even　as　she　asked　it。　　Her　brain　had　become　stodgy。

〃Nothing　like　as　dangerous　as　being　in　the　Infantry；〃　he　answered。　〃And　that　would　be　my　only　other　alternative。　　Besides　I　get　out　of　the　drilling。〃　　He　laughed。　　〃I　should　hate　being　shouted　at　and　ordered　about　by　a　husky　old　sergeant。〃

They　neither　spoke　again　till　they　came　to　the　bridge；　from　the　other　side　of　which　the　busses　started。

〃I　may　not　see　you　again　before　I　go；〃　he　said。　　〃Look　after　Mary。　I　shall　try　to　persuade　her　to　go　down　to　her　aunt　in　Hampshire。　It's　rather　a　bit　of　luck；　as　it　turns　out；　the　paper　being　finished　with。　　I　shouldn't　have　quite　known　what　to　do。〃

He　had　stopped　at　the　corner。　　They　were　still　beneath　the　shadow　of　the　trees。　　Quite　unconsciously　she　put　her　face　up；　and　as　if　it　had　always　been　the　custom　at　their　partings；　he　drew　her　to　him　and　kissed　her；　though　it　really　was　for　the　first　time。

She　walked　home　instead　of　taking　the　bus。　　She　wanted　to　think。　　A　day　or　two　would　decide　the　question。　　She　determined　that　if　the　miracle　did　not　happen；　she　would　go　down　to　Liverpool。　　Her　father　was　on　the　committee　of　one　of　the　great　hospitals；　and　she　knew　one　or　two　of　the　matrons。　　She　would　want　to　be　doing　something　to　get　out　to　the　front；　if　possible。　　Maybe；　her　desire　to　serve　was　not　altogether　free　from　curiosityfrom　the　craving　for　adventure。　　There's　a　spice　of　the　man　even　in　the　best　of　women。

Her　conscience　plagued　her　when　she　thought　of　Mrs。　Denton。　　For　some　time　now；　they　had　been　very　close　together；　and　the　old　lady　had　come　to　depend　upon　her。　　She　waited　till　all　doubt　was　ended　before　calling　to　say　good…bye。　　Mrs。　Denton　was　seated　before　an　old　bureau　that　had　long　stood　locked　in　a　corner　of　the　library。　The　drawers　were　open　and　books　and　papers　were　scattered　about。

Joan　told　her　plans。　　〃You'll　be　able　to　get　along　without　me　for　a　little　while？〃　she　asked　doubtfully。

Mrs。　Denton　laughed。　　〃I　haven't　much　more　to　do；〃　she　answered。　〃Just　tidying　up；　as　you　see；　and　two　or　three　half…finished　things　I　shall　try　to　complete。　　After　that；　I'll　perhaps　take　a　rest。〃

She　took　from　among　the　litter　a　faded　photograph　and　handed　it　to　Joan。　　〃Odd；〃　she　said。　　〃I've　just　turned　it　out。〃

It　represented　a　long；　thin　line　of　eminently　respectable　ladies　and　gentlemen　in　early　Victorian　costume。　　The　men　in　peg…top　trousers　and　silk　stocks；　the　women　in　crinolines　and　poke　bonnets。　Among　them；　holding　the　hand　of　a　benevolent…looking；　stoutish　gentleman；　was　a　mere　girl。　　The　terminating　frills　of　a　white　unmentionable　garment　showed　beneath　her　skirts。　　She　wore　a　porkpie　hat　with　a　feather　in　it。

〃My　first　public　appearance；〃　explained　Mrs。　Denton。　　〃I　teased　my　father　into　taking　me　with　him。　　We　represented　Great　Britain　and　Ireland。　　I　suppose　I'm　the　only　one　left。〃

〃I　shouldn't　have　recognized　you；〃　laughed　Joan。　　〃What　was　the　occasion？〃

〃The　great　International　Peace　Congress　at　Paris；〃　explained　Mrs。　Denton；　〃just　after　the　Crimean　war。　　It　made　quite　a　stir　at　the　time。　　The　Emperor　opened　our　proceedings　in　person；　and　the　Pope　and　the　Archbishop　of　Canterbury　both　sent　us　their　blessing。　　We　had　a　copy　of　the　speeches　presented　to　us　on　leaving；　in　every　known　language　in　Europe；　bound　in　vellum。　　I'm　hoping　to　find　it。　And　the　Press　was　enthusiastic。　　There　were　to　be　Acts　of　Parliament；　Courts　of　Arbitration；　International　Laws；　Diplomatic　Treaties。　　A　Sub…Committee　was　appointed　to　prepare　a　special　set　of　prayers　and　a　Palace　of　Peace　was　to　be　erected。　　There　was　only　one　thing　we　forgot；　and　that　was　the　foundation。〃

〃I　may　not　be　here；〃　she　continued；　〃when　the　new　plans　are　submitted。　　Tell　them　not　to　forget　the　foundation　this　time。　　Tell　them　to　teach　the　children。〃

Joan　dined　at　a　popular　restaurant　that　evening。　　She　fancied　it　might　cheer　her　up。　　But　the　noisy　patriotism　of　the　over…fed　crowd　only　irritated　her。　　These　elderly；　flabby　men；　these　fleshy　women；　who　would　form　the　spectators；　who　would　loll　on　their　cushioned　seats　protected　from　the　sun；　munching　contentedly　from　their　well…　provided　baskets　while　listening　to　the　dying　groans　rising　upwards　from　the　drenched　arena。　　She　glanced　from　one　podgy　thumb　to　another　and　a　feeling　of　nausea　crept　over　her。

Suddenly　the　band　struck　up　〃God　Save　the　King。〃　　Three　commonplace　enough　young　men；　seated　at　a　table　near　to　her；　laid　down　their　napkins　and　stood　up。　　Yes；　there　was　something　to　be　said　for　war；　she　felt；　as　she　looked　at　their　boyish　faces；　transfigured。　　Not　for　them　Business　as　usual；　the　Capture　of　German　Trade。　　Other　visions　those　young　eyes　were　seeing。　　The　little　imp　within　her　brain　had　seized　his　drum　again。　　〃Follow　me〃so　he　seemed　to　beat〃I　teach　men　courage；　duty；　the　laying　down　of　self。　　I　open　the　gates　of　honour。　　I　make　heroes　out　of　dust。　　Isn't　it　worth　my　price？〃

A　figure　was　loitering　the　other　side　of　the　street　when　she　reached　home。　　She　thought　she　somehow　recognized　it；　and　crossed　over。　　It　was　McKean；　smoking　his　everlasting　pipe。　　Success　having　demanded　some　such　change；　he　had　migrated　to　〃The　Albany；〃　and　she　had　not　seen　him　for　some　time。　　He　had　come　to　have　a　last　look　at　the　housein　case　it　might　happen　to　be　the　last。　　He　was　off　to　Scotland　the　next　morning；　where　he　intended　to　〃join　up。〃

〃But　are　you　sure　it's　your　particular　duty？〃　suggested　Joan。　　〃I'm　told　you've　become　a　household　word　both　in　Germany　and　France。　　If　we　really　are　out　to　end　war　and　establish　the　brotherhood　of　nations；　the　work　you　are　doing　is　of　more　importance　than　even　the　killing　of　Germans。　　It　isn't　as　if　there　wouldn't　be　enough　without　you。〃

〃To　tell　the　truth；〃　he　answered；　〃that's　exactly　what　I've　been　saying　to　myself。　　I　shan't　be　any　good。　　I　don't　see　myself　sticking　a　bayonet　into　even　a　German。　　Unless　he　happened　to　be　abnormally　clumsy。　　I　tried　to　shoot　a　rabbit　once。　　I　might　have　done　it　if　the　little　beggar；　instead　of　running　away；　hadn't　turned　and　looked　at　me。〃

〃I　should　keep　out　of　it　if　I　were　you；〃　laughed　Joan。

〃I　can't；〃　he　answered。　　〃I'm　too　great　a　coward。〃

〃An　odd　reason　for　enlisting；〃　thought　Joan。

〃I　couldn't　face　it；〃　he　went　on；　〃the　way　people　would　be　looking　at　me　in　trains　and　omnibuses；　the　things　people　would　say　of　me；　the　things　I　should　imagine　they　were　saying；　what　my　valet　would　be　thinking　of　me。　　Oh；　I'm　ashamed　enough　of　myself。　　It's　the　artistic　temperament；　I　suppose。　　We　must　always　be　admired；　praised。　　We're　not　the　stuff　that　martyrs　are　made　of。　　We　must　for　ever　be　kow…towing　to　the　cackling　geese　around　us。　　We're　so　terrified　lest　they　should　hiss　us。〃

The　street　was　empty。　　They　were　pacing　it　slowly；　up　and　down。

〃I've　always　been　a　coward；〃　he　continued。　　〃I　fell　in　love　with　you　the　first　day　I　met　you　on　the　stairs。　　But　I　dared　not　tell　you。〃

〃You　didn't　give　me　that　impression；〃　answered　Joan。

She　had　always　found　it　difficult　to　know　when　to　take　him　seriously　and　when　not。

〃I　was　so　afraid　you　would　find　it　out；〃　he　explained。

〃You　thought　I　would　take　advantage　of　it；〃　she　suggested。

〃One　can　never　be　sure　of　a　woman；〃　he　answered。　　〃And　it　would　have　been　so　difficult。　　There　was　a　girl　down　in　Scotland；　one　of　the　village　girls。　　It　wasn't　anything　really。　　We　had　just　been　children　together。　　But　they　all　thought　I　had　gone　away　to　make　my　fortune　so　as　to　come　back　and　marry　hereven　my　mother。　　It　would　have　looked　so　mean　if　after　getting　on　I　had　married　a　fine　London　lady。　　I　could　never　have　gone　home　again。〃

〃But　you　haven't　married　heror　have　you？〃　asked　Joan。