confidence-第31章

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〃As　long　as　you　like！〃

Gordon　stood　for　a　moment　again　staring　down　at　the　ground。

〃Very　well；　then；　I　will　take　my　time；〃　he　said。　　〃Good…bye！〃

And　he　turned　away；　as　if　to　walk　off　alone。

〃Where　are　you　going？〃　asked　Bernard；　stopping　him。

〃I　don't　knowto　the　hotel；　anywhere。　　To　try　to　get　used　to　what　you　have　told　me。〃

〃Don't　try　too　hard；　it　will　come　of　itself；〃　said　Bernard。

〃We　shall　see！〃

And　Gordon　turned　away　again。

〃Do　you　prefer　to　go　alone？〃

〃Very　muchif　you　will　excuse　me！〃

〃I　have　asked　you　to　excuse　a　greater　want　of　ceremony！〃　said　Bernard；　smiling。

〃I　have　not　done　so　yet！〃　　Gordon　rejoined；　and　marching　off；　he　mingled　with　the　crowd。

Bernard　watched　him　till　he　lost　sight　of　him；　and　then；　dropping　into　the　first　empty　chair　that　he　saw；　he　sat　and　reflected　that　his　friend　liked　it　quite　as　little　as　he　had　feared。






CHAPTER　XXVI

Bernard　sat　thinking　for　a　long　time；　at　first　with　a　good　deal　of　mortificationat　last　with　a　good　deal　of　bitterness。　He　felt　angry　at　last；　but　he　was　not　angry　with　himself。　He　was　displeased　with　poor　Gordon；　and　with　Gordon's　displeasure。　He　was　uncomfortable；　and　he　was　vexed　at　his　discomfort。　It　formed；　it　seemed　to　him；　no　natural　part　of　his　situation；　he　had　had　no　glimpse　of　it　in　the　book　of　fate　where　he　registered　on　a　fair　blank　page　his　betrothal　to　a　charming　girl。　That　Gordon　should　be　surprised；　and　even　a　little　shocked　and　annoyedthis　was　his　right　and　his　privilege；　Bernard　had　been　prepared　for　that；　and　had　determined　to　make　the　best　of　it。　　But　it　must　not　go　too　far；　there　were　limits　to　the　morsel　of　humble　pie　that　he　was　disposed　to　swallow。　Something　in　Gordon's　air　and　figure；　as　he　went　off　in　a　huff；　looking　vicious　and　dangerousyes；　that　was　positively　his　lookleft　a　sinister　impression　on　Bernard's　mind；　and；　after　a　while；　made　him　glad　to　take　refuge　in　being　angry。　One　would　like　to　know　what　Gordon　expected；　par　exemple！　Did　he　expect　Bernard　to　give　up　Angela　simply　to　save　him　a　shock；　or　to　back　out　of　his　engagement　by　way　of　an　ideal　reparation？　No；　it　was　too　absurd；　and；　if　Gordon　had　a　wife　of　his　own；　why　in　the　name　of　justice　should　not　Bernard　have　one？

Being　angry　was　a　relief；　but　it　was　not　exactly　a　solution；　and　Bernard；　at　last；　leaving　his　place；　where　for　an　hour　or　two　he　had　been　absolutely　unconscious　of　everything　that　went　on　around　him；　wandered　about　for　some　time　in　deep　restlessness　and　irritation。　　At　one　moment　he　thought　of　going　back　to　Gordon's　hotel；　to　see　him；　to　explain。　But　then　he　became　aware　that　he　was　too　angry　for　that　to　say　nothing　of　Gordon's　being　too　angry　also；　and；　moreover；　that　there　was　nothing　to　explain。　　He　was　to　marry　Angela　Vivian；　that　was　a　very　simple　factit　needed　no　explanation。　Was　it　so　wonderful；　so　inconceivable；　an　incident　so　unlikely　to　happen？　　He　went；　as　he　always　did　on　Sunday；　to　dine　with　Mrs。　Vivian；　and　it　seemed　to　him　that　he　perceived　in　the　two　ladies　some　symptoms　of　a　discomposure　which　had　the　same　origin　as　his　own。　　Bernard；　on　this　occasion；　at　dinner；　failed　to　make　himself　particularly　agreeable；　he　ate　fast　as　if　he　had　no　idea　what　he　was　eating；　and　talked　little；　every　now　and　then　his　eyes　rested　for　some　time　upon　Angela；　with　a　strange；　eagerly　excited　expression；　as　if　he　were　looking　her　over　and　trying　to　make　up　his　mind　about　her　afresh。　This　young　lady　bore　his　inscrutable　scrutiny　with　a　deal　of　superficial　composure；　but　she　was　also　silent；　and　she　returned　his　gaze；　from　time　to　time；　with　an　air　of　unusual　anxiety。　She　was　thinking；　of　course；　of　Gordon；　Bernard　said　to　himself；　and　a　woman's　first　meeting；　in　after　years；　with　an　ex…lover　must　always　make　a　certain　impression　upon　her。　　Gordon；　however；　had　never　been　a　lover；　and　if　Bernard　noted　Angela's　gravity　it　was　not　because　he　felt　jealous。　　〃She　is　simply　sorry　for　him；〃　he　said　to　himself；　and　by　the　time　he　had　finished　his　dinner　it　began　to　come　back　to　him　that　he　was　sorry；　too。　　Mrs。　Vivian　was　probably　sorry　as　well；　for　she　had　a　slightly　confused　and　preoccupied　looka　look　from　which；　even　in　the　midst　of　his　chagrin；　Bernard　extracted　some　entertainment。　It　was　Mrs。　Vivian's　intermittent　conscience　that　had　been　reminded　of　one　of　its　lapses；　her　meeting　with　Gordon　Wright　had　recalled　the　least　exemplary　episode　of　her　lifethe　time　when　she　whispered　mercenary　counsel　in　the　ear　of　a　daughter　who　sat；　grave　and　pale；　looking　at　her　with　eyes　that　wondered。　Mrs。　Vivian　blushed　a　little　now；　when　she　met　Bernard's　eyes；　and　to　remind　herself　that　she　was　after　all　a　virtuous　woman；　talked　as　much　as　possible　about　superior　and　harmless　things　the　beauty　of　the　autumn　weather；　the　pleasure　of　seeing　French　papas　walking　about　on　Sunday　with　their　progeny　in　their　hands；　the　peculiarities　of　the　pulpit…oratory　of　the　country　as　exemplified　in　the　discourse　of　a　Protestant　pasteur　whom　she　had　been　to　hear　in　the　morning。

When　they　rose　from　table　and　went　back　into　her　little　drawing…room；　she　left　her　daughter　alone　for　awhile　with　Bernard。　　The　two　were　standing　together　before　the　fire；　Bernard　watched　Mrs。　Vivian　close　the　door　softly　behind　her。　　Then；　looking　for　a　moment　at　his　companion

〃He　is　furious！〃　he　announced　at　last。

〃Furious？〃　said　Angela。　　〃Do　you　mean　Mr。　Wright？〃

〃The　amiable；　reasonable　Gordon。　　He　takes　it　very　hard。〃

〃Do　you　mean　about　me？〃　asked　Angela。

〃It　's　not　with　you　he　's　furious；　of　course；　it　is　with　me。　He　won't　let　me　off　easily。〃

Angela　looked　for　a　moment　at　the　fire。

〃I　am　very　sorry　for　him；〃　she　said；　at　last。

〃It　seems　to　me　I　am　the　one　to　be　pitied；〃　said　Bernard；　〃and　I　don't　see　what　compassion　you；　of　all　people　in　the　world；　owe　him。〃

Angela　again　rested　her　eyes　on　the　fire；　then　presently；　looking　up

〃He　liked　me　very　much；〃　she　remarked。

〃All　the　more　shame　to　him！〃　cried　Bernard。

〃What　do　you　mean？〃　asked　the　girl；　with　her　beautiful　stare。

〃If　he　liked　you；　why　did　he　give　you　up？〃

〃He　did　n't　give　me　up。〃

〃What　do　you　mean；　please？〃　asked　Bernard；　staring　back　at　her。

〃I　sent　him　awayI　refused　him；〃　said　Angela。

〃Yes；　but　you　thought　better　of　it；　and　your　mother　had　persuaded　you　that　if　he　should　ask　you　again；　you　had　better　accept　him。　Then　it　was　that　he　backed　outin　consequence　of　what　I　said　to　him　on　his　return　from　England。〃

She　shook　her　head　slowly；　with　a　strange　smile。

〃My　poor　Bernard；　you　are　talking　very　wildly。　　He　did　ask　me　again。〃

〃That　night？〃　cried　Bernard。

〃The　night　he　came　back　from　Englandthe　last　time　I　saw　him；　until　to…day。〃

〃After　I　had　denounced　you？〃　our　puzzled　hero　exclaimed；　frowning　portentously。

〃I　am　sorry　to　let　you　know　the　small　effect　of　your　words！〃

Bernard　folded　his　hands　togetheralmost　devoutlyand　stood　gazing　at　her　with　a　long；　inarticulate　murmur　of　satisfaction。

〃Ah！　then；　I　did　n't　injure　youI　did　n't　deprive　you　of　a　chance？〃

〃Oh；　sir；　the　intention　on　your　part　was　the　same！〃　　Angela　exclaimed。

〃Then　all　my　uneasiness；　all　my　remorse；　were　wasted？〃　he　went　on。

But　she　kept　the　same　tone；　and　its　tender　archness　only　gave　a　greater　sweetness　to　his　sense　of　relief。

〃It　was　a　very　small　penance　for　you　to　pay。〃

〃You　dismissed　him　definitely；　and　that　was　why　he　vanished？〃　asked　Bernard；　wondering　still。

〃He　gave　me　another　'chance；'　as　you　elegantly　express　it；　and　I　declined　to　take　advantage　of　it。〃

〃Ah；　well；　now；〃　cried　Bernard；　〃I　am　sorry　for　him！〃

〃I　was　very　kindvery　respectful；〃　said　Angela。　　〃I　thanked　him　from　the　bottom　of　my　heart；　I　begged　his　pardon　very　humbly　for　the　wrong　if　wrong　it　wasthat　I　was　doing　him。　　I　did　n't　in　the　least　require　of　him　that　he　should　leave　Baden　at　seven　o'clock　the　next　morning。　I　had　no　idea　that　he　would　do　so；　and　that　was　the　reason　that　I　insisted　to　my　mother　that　we　ourselves　should　go　away。　　When　we　went　I　knew　nothing　about　his　having　gone；　and　I　supposed　he　was　still　there。　I　did　n't　wish　to　meet　him　again。〃

Angela　gave　this　information　slowly；　softly；　with　pauses　between　the　sentences；　as　if　she　were　recalling　the　circumstances　with　a　certain　effort；　and　meanwhile　Bernard；　with　his　transfigured　face　and　his　eyes　fixed　upon　her　lips；　was　moving　excitedly　about　the　room。

〃Well；　he　can't　accuse　me；　then！〃　he　broke　out　again。　〃If　what　I　said　had　no　more　effect　upon　him　than　that；　I　certainly　did　him　no　wrong。〃

〃I　think　you　are　rather　vexed　he　did　n't　believe　you；〃　said　Angela。

〃I　confess　I　don't　understand　it。　　He　had　all　the　air　of　it。　He　certainly　had　not　the　air　of　a　man　who　was　going　to　rush　off　and　give　you　the　last　proof　of　his　confidence。〃

〃It　was　not　a　proof　of　confidence；〃　said　Angela。　　〃It　had　nothing　to　do　with　me。　　It　was　as　between　himself　and　you；　it　was　a　proof　of　independence。　He　did　believe　you；　more　or　less；　and　what　you　said　fell　in　with　his　own　impressionsstrange　impressions　that　they　were；　poor　man！　At　the　same　time；　as　I　say；　he　liked　me；　too；　it　was　out　of　his　liking　me　that　all　his　trouble　came！　　He　caught　himself　in　the　act　of　listening　to　you　too　credulouslyand　that　seemed　to　him　unmanly　and　dishonorable。　The　sensation　brought　with　it　a　reaction；　and　to　prove　to　himself　that　in　such　a　matter　he　could　be　influenced　by　nobody；　he　marched　away；　an　hour　after　he　had　talked　with　you；　and；　in　the　teeth　of　his　perfect　mistrust；　confirmed　by　your　account　of　my　irregularities　heaven　forgive　you　both！again　asked　me　to　be　his　wife。　　But　he　hoped　I　would　refuse！〃

〃Ah；〃　cried　Bernard；　〃the　recreant！　　He　deservedhe　deserved〃

〃That　I　should　accept　him？〃　　Angela　asked；　smiling　still。

Bernard　was　so　much　affected　by　this　revelation；　it　seemed　to　him　to　make　such　a　difference　in　his　own　responsibility　and　to　lift　such　a　weight　off　his　conscience；　that　he　broke　out　again　into　the　liveliest　ejaculations　of　relief。

〃Oh；　I　don't　care　for　anything；　now；　and　I　can　do　what　I　please！　Gordon　may　hate　me；　and　I　shall　be　sorry　for　him；　but　it　's　not　my　fault；　and　I　owe　him　no　reparation。　　No；　no；　I　am　free！〃

〃It　's　only　I　who　am　not；　I　suppose；〃　said　Angela；　〃and　the　reparation　must　come　from　me！　　If　he　is　unhappy；　I　must　take　the　responsibility。〃

〃Ah　yes；　of　course；〃　said　Bernard；　kissing　her。

〃But　why　should　he　be　unhappy？〃　asked　Angela。　　〃If　I　refused　him；　it　was　what　he　wanted。〃

〃He　is　hard　to　please；〃　Bernard　rejoined。　　〃He　has　got　a　wife　of　his　own。〃

〃If　Blanche　does　n't　please　him；　he　is　certainly　difficult；〃　and　Angela　mused　a　little。　　〃But　you　told　me　the　other　day　that　they　were　getting　on　so　well。〃

〃Yes；　I　believe　I　told　you；〃　Bernard　answered；　musing　a　little　too。

〃You　are　not　attending　to　what　I　say。〃

〃No；　I　am　thinking　of　something　elseI　am　thinking　of　what　it　was　that　made　you　refuse　him　that　way；　at　the　last；　after　you　had　let　your　mother　hope。〃　And　Bernard　stood　there；　smiling　at　her。

〃Don't　think　any　more；　you　will　not　find　out；〃　the　girl　declared；　turning　away。

〃Ah；　it　was　cruel　of　you　to　let　me　think　I　was　wrong　all　these　years；〃　he　went　on；　〃and；　at　the　time；　since　you　meant　to　refuse　him；　you　might　have　been　more　frank　with　me。〃

〃I　thought　my　fault　had　been　that　I　was　too　frank。〃

〃I　was