april hopes-第22章

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in；　and　let　his　misery　rollover　him。　　He　felt　as　if　there　were　a　flood　of
it；　and　it　washed　him　to　and　fro；　one　gall　of　shame；　of　self…accusal；　of
bitterness；　from　head　to　foot。　　But　in　it　all　he　felt　no　resentment
toward　Alice；　no　wish　to　wreak　any　smallest　part　of　his　suffering　upon
her。　　Even　while　he　had　hoped　for　her　love；　it　seemed　to　him　that　he　had
not　seen　her　in　all　that　perfection　which　she　now　had　in　irreparable
loss。　　His　soul　bowed　itself　fondly　over　the　thought　of　her；　and；　stung
as　he　was　by　that　last　cruel　word　of　hers；　he　could　not　upbraid　her。
That　humility　which　is　love　casting　out　selfishness；　the　most　egotistic
of　the　passions　triumphing　over　itselfMavering　experienced　it　to　the
full。　　He　took　all　the　blame。　　He　could　not　see　that　she　had　ever
encouraged　him　to　hope　for　her　love；　which　now　appeared　a　treasure
heavenfar　beyond　his　scope；　he　could　only　call　himself　fool；　and　fool；
and　fool；　and　wonder　that　he　could　have　met　her　in　the　remoteness　of　that
morning　with　the　belief　that　but　for　the　follies　of　last　night　she　might
have　answered　him　differently。　　He　believed　now　that；　whatever　had　gone
before；　she　must　still　have　rejected　him。　　She　had　treated　his
presumption　very　leniently；　she　had　really　spared　him。

It　went　on；　over　and　over。　　Sometimes　it　varied　a　little；　as　when　he
thought　of　how；　when　she　should　tell　her　mother；　Mrs。　Pasmer　must　laugh。
He　pictured　them　both　laughing　at　him；　and　then　Mr。　Pasmerhe　had
scarcely　passed　a　dozen　words　with　him…coming　in　and　asking　what　they
were　laughing　at；　and　their　saying；　and　his　laughing　too。

At　other　times　he　figured　them　as　incensed　at　his　temerity；　which　must
seem　to　them　greater　and　greater；　as　now　it　seemed　to　him。　　He　had　never
thought　meanly　of　himself；　and　the　world　so　far　had　seemed　to　think　well
of　him；　but　because　Alice　Pasmer　was　impossible　to　him；　he　felt　that　it
was　an　unpardonable　boldness　in　him　to　have　dreamed　of　her。　　What　must
they　be　saying　of　his　having　passed　from　the　ground　of　society
compliments　and　light　flirtation　to　actually　telling　Alice　that　he　loved
her？

He　wondered　what　Mrs。　Pasmer　had　thought　of　his　telling　her　that　he　had
come　to　Campobello　to　consider　the　question　whether　he　should　study　law
or　go　into　business；　and　what　motive　she　had　supposed　he　had　in　telling
her　that。　　He　asked　himself　what　motive　he　had；　and　tried　to　pretend　that
he　had　none。　　He　dramatised　conversations　with　Mrs。　Pasmer　in　which　he
laughed　it　off。

Ho　tried　to　remember　all　that　had　passed　the　day　before　at　the　picnic；
and　whether　Alice　had　done　or　said　anything　to　encourage　him；　and　he
could　not　find　that　she　had。　　All　her　trust　and　freedom　was　because　she
felt　perfectly　safe　with　him　from　any　such　disgusting　absurdity　as　he　had
been　guilty　of。　　The　ride　home　through　the　mist；　with　its　sweet　intimacy；
that　parting　which　had　seemed　so　full　of　tender　intelligence；　were　parts
of　the　same　illusion。　　There　had　been　nothing　of　it　on　her　side　from　the
beginning　but　a　kindliness　which　he　had　now　flung　away　for　ever。

He　went　back　to　the　beginning；　and　tried　to　remember　the　point　where　he
had　started　in　this　fatal　labyrinth　of　error。　　She　had　never　misled　him；
but　he　had　misled　himself　from　the　first　glimpse　of　her。

Whatever　was　best　in　his　light　nature；　whatever　was　generous　and　self…
denying；　came　out　in　this　humiliation。　　From　the　vision　of　her　derision
he　passed　to　a　picture　of　her　suffering　from　pity　for　him；　and　wrung　with
a　sense　of　the　pain　she　had　given　him。　　He　promised　himself　to　write　to
her；　and　beg　her　not　to　care　for　him；　because　he　was　not　worthy　of　that。
He　framed　a　letter　in　his　mind；　in　which　he　posed　in　some　noble
attitudes；　and　brought　tears　into　his　eyes　by　his　magnanimous　appeal　to
her　not　to　suffer　for　the　sake　of　one　so　unworthy　of　her　serious　thought。
He　pictured　her　greatly　moved　by　some　of　the　phrases；　and　he　composed　for
her　a　reply；　which　led　to　another　letter　from　him；　and　so　to　a
correspondence　and　a　long　and　tender　friendship。　　In　the　end　he　died
suddenly；　and　then　she　discovered　that　she　had　always　loved　him。　　He
discovered　that　he　was　playing　the　fool　again；　and　he　rose　from　the　berth
where　he　had　tumbled　himself。　　The　state…room　had　that　smell　of　parboiled
paint　which　state…rooms　have；　and　reminded　him　of　the　steamer　in　which　he
had　gone　to　Europe　when　a　boy；　with　the　family；　just　after　his　mother's
health　began　to　fail。

He　went　down　on　the　deck　near　the　ladies'　saloon；　where　the　second…class
passengers　were　gathered　listening　to　the　same　band　of　plantation　negroes
who　had　amused　him　so　much　on　the　eastward　trip。　　The　passengers　were
mostly　pock　marked　Provincials；　and　many　of　them　were　women；　they　lounged
on　the　barrels　of　apples　neatly　piled　up；　and　listened　to　the　music
without　smiling。　　One　of　the　negroes　was　singing　to　the　banjo；　and
another　began　to　do　the　rheumatic　uncle's　breakdown。　　Mavering　said　to
himself：　〃I　can't　stand　that。　　Oh；　what　a　fool　I　am！　　Alice；　I　love　you。
O　merciful　heavens！　　O　infernal　jackass！　　Ow！　　Gaw！〃

At　the　bow　of　the　boat　he　found　a　gang　of　Italian　labourers　returning　to
the　States　after　some　job　in　the　Provinces。　　They　smoked　their　pipes　and
whined　their　Neapolitan　dialect　together。　　It　made　Mavering　think　of
Dante；　of　the　Inferno；　to　which　he　passed　naturally　from　his　self…
denunciation　for　having　been　an　infernal　jackass。　　The　inscription　on　the
gate　of　hell　ran　through　his　mind。　　He　thought　he　would　make　his　life
his　desolate；　broken　lifea　perpetual　exile；　like　Dante's。　　At　the　same
time　he　ground　his　teeth；　and　muttered：　〃Oh；　what　a　fool　I　am！　　Oh；
idiot！　beast！　　Oh！　oh！〃　　The　pipes　reminded　him　to　smoke；　and　he　took　out
his　cigarette　case。　　The　Italians　looked　at　him；　he　gave　all　the
cigarettes　among　them；　without　keeping　any　for　himself。　　He　determined　to
spend　the　miserable　remnant　of　his　life　in　going　about　doing　good　and
bestowing　alms。

He　groaned　aloud；　so　that　the　Italians　noticed　it；　and　doubtless　spoke　of
it　among　themselves。　　He　could　not　understand　their　dialect；　but　he
feigned　them　saying　respectfully　compassionate　things。　　Then　he　gnashed
his　teeth　again；　and　cursed　his　folly。　　When　the　bell　rang　for　supper　he
found　himself　very　hungry；　and　ate　heavily。　　After　that　he　went　out　in
front　of　the　cabin；　and　walked　up　and　down；　thinking；　and　trying　not　to
think。　　The　turmoil　in　his　mind　tired　him　like　a　prodigious　physical
exertion。

Toward　ten　o'clock　the　night　grew　rougher。　　The　sea　was　so　phosphorescent
that　it　broke　in　sheets　and　flakes　of　pale　bluish　flame　from　the　bows　and
wheel…houses；　and　out　in　the　dark　the　waves　revealed　themselves　in
flashes　and　long　gleams　of　fire。　　One　of　the　officers　of　the　boat　came
and　hung　with　Mavering　over　the　guard。　　The　weird　light　from　the　water
was　reflected　on　their　faces；　and　showed　them　to　each　other。

〃Well；　I　never　saw　anything　like　this　before。　　Looks　like　hell；　don't
it？〃　said　the　officer。

〃Yes；〃　said　Mavering。　　〃Is　it　uncommon？〃

〃Well；　I　should　say　so。　　I　guess　we're　going　to　have　a　picnic。〃

Mavering　thought　of　blueberries；　but　he　did　not　say　anything。

〃I　guess　it's　going　to　be　a　regular　circus。〃

Mavering　did　not　care。　　He　asked　incuriously；　〃How　do　you　find　your
course　in　such　weather？〃

〃Well；　we　guess　where　we　are；　and　then　give　her　so　many　turns　of　the
wheel。〃　　The　officer　laughed；　and　Mavering　laughed　too。　　He　was　struck　by
the　hollow　note　in　his　laugh；　it　seemed　to　him　pathetic；　he　wondered　if
he　should　now　always　laugh　so；　and　if　people　would　remark　it。　　He　tried
another　laugh；　it　sounded　mechanical。

He　went　to　bed；　and　was　so　worn　out　that　he　fell　asleep　and　began　to
dream。　　A　face　came　up　out　of　the　sea；　and　brooded　over　the　waters；　as　in
that　picture　of　Vedder's　which　he　calls　〃Memory；〃　but　the　hair　was　not
blond；　it　was　the　colour　of　those　phosphorescent　flames；　and　the　eyes
were　like　it。　　〃Horrible！　horrible！〃　he　tried　to　shriek；　but　he　cried；
〃Alice；　I　love　you。〃　　There　was　a　burglar　in　the　room；　and　he　was　running
after　Miss　Pasmer。　　Mavering　caught　him；　and　tried　to　beat　him；　his　fists
fell　like　bolls　of　cotton；　the　burglar　drew　his　breath　in　with　a　long；
washing　sound　like　water。

Mavering　woke　deathly　sick；　and　heard　the　sweep　of　the　waves。　　The　boat
was　pitching　frightfully。　　He　struggled　out　into　the　saloon；　and　saw　that
it　was　five　o'clock。　　In　five　hours　more　it　would　be　a　day　since　he　told
Alice　that　he　loved　her；　it　now　seemed　very　improbable。　　There　were　a
good　many　half…dressed　people　in　the　saloon；　and　a　woman　came　running　out
of　her　state…room　straight　to　Mavering。　　She　was　in　her　stocking　feet；
and　her　hair　hung　down　her　back。

〃Oh！　are　we　going　down？〃　she　implored　him。　　〃Have　we　struck？　　Oughtn't　we
to　praysomebody？　　Shall　I　wake　the　children？〃

〃Mavering　reassured　her；　and　told　her　there　was　no　danger。

〃Well；　then；〃　she　said；　〃I'll　go　back　for　my　shoes。〃

〃Yes；　better　get　your　shoes。〃

The　saloon　rose　round　him　and　sank。　　He　controlled　his　sickness　by
planting　a　chair　in　the　centre　and　sitting　in　it　with　his　eyes　shut。　　As
he　grew　more　comfortable　he　reflected　how　he　had　calmed　that　woman；　and
he　resolved　again　to　spend　his　life　in　doing　good。　　〃Yes；　that's　the　only
ticket；〃　he　said　to　himself；　with　involuntary　frivolity。　　He　thought　of
what　the　officer　had　said；　and　he　helplessly　added；　〃Circus　ticket
reserved　seat。〃　　Then　he　began　again；　and　loaded　himself　with　execration。

The　boat　got　into　Portland　at　nine　o'clock；　and　Mavering　left　her；　taking
his　hand…bag　with　him；　and　letting　his　trunk　go　on　to　Boston。

The　officer　who　received　his　ticket　at　the　gangplank　noticed　the
destination　on　it；　and　said；　〃Got　enough？〃

〃Yes；　for　one　while。〃　　Mavering　recognised　his　acquaintance　of　the　night
before。

〃Don't　like　picnics　very　much。〃

〃No；〃　said　Mavering；　with　abysmal　gloom。　　〃They　don't　agree　with　me。
Never　did。〃　　He　was　aware　of　trying　to　make　his　laugh　bitter。　　The
officer　did　not　notice。

Mavering　was　surprised；　after　the　chill　of　the　storm　at　sea；　to　find　it
rather　a　warm；　close　morning　in　Portland。　　The　restaurant　to　which　the
hackman　took　him　as　the　best　in　town　was　full　of　flies；　they　bit　him
awake　out　of　the　dreary　reveries　he　fell　into　while　waiting　for　his
breakfast。　　In　a　mirror　opposite　he　saw　his　face。　　It　did　not　look
haggard；　it　looked　very　much　as　it　always　did。　　He　fancied　playing　a　part
through　lifehiding　a　broken　heart　under　a　smile。　　〃0　you　incorrigible
ass！〃　he　said　to　himself；　and　was　afraid　he　had　said　it　to　the　young　lady
who　brought　him　his　breakfast；　and　looked　haughtily　at　him　from　under　her
bang。　　She　was　very　thin；　and　wore　a　black　jersey。

He　tried　to　find　out　whether　he　had　spoken　aloud　by　addressing　her
pleasantly。　　〃It's　pretty　cold　this　morning。〃

〃What　say？〃

〃Pretty　cool。〃

〃Oh　yes。　　But　it's　pretty　clo…ose；〃　she　replied；　in　her　Yankee
cantillation。　　She　went　away　and　left　him　to　the　bacon　and　eggs　he　had
ordered　at　random。　　There　was　a　fly　under　one　of　the　slices　of　bacon；　and
Mavering　confined　himself　to　the　coffee。

A　man　came　up　in　a　white　cap　and　jacket　from　a　basement　in　the　front　of
the　restaurant；　where　confectionery　was　sold；　and　threw　down　a　mass　of
malleable　candy　on