april hopes-第41章

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〃Two？〃　she　repeated　vaguely。

〃Yes；　Mrs。　Frobisher　and　Miss　Wrayne。　　You　can't　give　me　up　to　both　of
them。〃

〃Both？〃　she　repeated　again。　　She　could　not　condescend　to　specify；　it　would
be　ridiculous；　and　as　it　was；　she　felt　her　dignity　hopelessly　shaken。　　The
tears　came　into　her　eyes。

〃Yes。　　And　neither　of　them　wants　methey　haven't　got　any　use　for　me。
Mrs。　Frobisher　is　married　already；　and　Miss　Wrayne　took　the　trouble　last
night　to　let　me　feel　that；　so　far　as　she　was　concerned；　I　hadn't　made　it
all　right；　and　couldn't。　　I　thought　I　had　rather　a　cold　parting　with　you；
Alice；　but　it　was　quite　tropical　to　what　you　left　me　to。〃　　A　faint　smile；
mingled　with　a　blush　of　relenting；　stole　into　her　face；　and　he　hurried　on。
〃I　don't　suppose　I　tried　very　hard　to　thaw　her　out。　　I　wasn't　much
interested。　　If　you　must　give　me　up；　you　must　give　me　up　to　some　one　else；
for　they　don't　want　me；　and　I　don't　want　them。〃　　Alice's　head　dropped
lover；　and　he　could　come　nearer　now　without　her　seeming　to　know　it。　　〃But
why　need　you　give　me　up？　　There's　really　no　occasion　for　it；　I　assure
you。〃

〃I　wished；〃　she　explained；　〃to　show　you　that　I　loved　you　for　something
above　yourself　and　myselffar　above　either〃

She　stopped　and　dropped　the　hand　which　she　had　raised　to　fend　him　off；　and
he　profited　by　the　little　pause　she　made　to　take　her　in　his　arms　without
seeming　to　do　so。　　〃Well；〃　he　said；　〃　I　don't　believe　I　was　formed　to　be
loved　on　a　very　high　plane。　　But　I'm　not　too　proud　to　be　loved　for　my　own
sake；　and　I　don't　think　there's　anything　above　you；　Alice。〃

〃Oh　yes；　there　is！　　I　don't　deserve　to　be　happy；　and　that's　the　reason　why
I'm　not　allowed　to　be　happy　in　any　noble　way。　　I　can't　bear　to　give　you
up；　you　know　I　can't；　but　you　ought　to　give　me　upindeed　you　ought。　I
have　ideals；　but　1　can't　live　up　to　them。　　You　ought　to　go。　　You　ought　to
leave　me。〃　　She　accented　each　little　sentence　by　vividly　pressing　herself
to　his　heart；　and　he　had　the　wisdom　or　the　instinct　to　treat　their
reconciliation　as　nothing　settled；　but　merely　provisional　in　its　nature。

〃Well；　we'll　see　about　that。　　I　don't　want　to　go　till　after　breakfast；
anyway；　your　mother　says　I　may　stay；　and　I'm　awfully　hungry。　　If　I　see
anything　particularly　base　in　you；　perhaps　I　sha'n't　come　back　to　lunch。〃

Dan　would　have　liked　to　turn　it　alt　off　into　a　joke；　now　that　the　worst
was　apparently　over；　but　Alice　freed　herself　from　him；　and　held　him　off
with　her　hand　set　against　his　breast。　　〃Does　mamma　know　about　it？〃　she
demanded　sternly。

〃Well；　she　knows　there's　been　some　misunderstanding；〃　said　Dan；　with　a
laugh　that　was　anxious；　in　view　of　the　clouds　possibly　gathering　again。

〃How　much？〃

〃Well；　I　can't　say　exactly。〃　　He　would　not　say　that　he　did　not　know；　but
he　felt　that　he　could　truly　say　that　he　could　not　say。

She　dropped　her　hand；　and　consented　to　be　deceived。　　Dan　caught　her　again
to　his　breast；　but　he　had　an　odd；　vague　sense　of　doing　it　carefully；　of
using　a　little　of　the　caution　with　which　one　seizes　the　stem　of　a　rose
between　the　thorns。

〃I　can　bear　to　be　ridiculous　with　you；〃　she　whispered；　with　an　implication
which　he　understood。

〃You　haven't　been　ridiculous；　dearest；〃　he　said；　and　his　tension　gave　way
in　a　convulsive　laugh；　which　partially　expressed　his　feeling　of　restored
security；　and　partly　his　amusement　in　realising　how　the　situation　would
have　pleased　Mrs。　Pasmer　if　she　could　have　known　it。

Mrs。　Pasmer　was　seated　behind　her　coffee　biggin　at　the　breakfast…table
when　he　came　into　the　room　with　Alice；　and　she　lifted　an　eye　from　its
glass　bulb　long　enough　to　catch　his　flying　glance　of　exultation　and
admonition。　　Then；　while　she　regarded　the　chemical　struggle　in　the　bulb；
with　the　rapt　eye　of　a　magician　reading　fate　in　his　crystal　ball；　she
questioned　herself　how　much　she　should　know；　and　how　much　she　should
ignore。　　It　was　a　great　moment　for　Mrs。　Pasmer；　full　of　delicious　choice。
〃Do　you　understand　this　process；　Mr。　Mavering？〃　she　said；　glancing　up　at
him　warily　for　farther　instruction。

〃I've　seen　it　done；〃　said　Dan；　〃but　I　never　knew　how　it　was　managed。　　I
always　thought　it　was　going　to　blow　up；　but　it　seemed　to　me　that　if　you
were　good　and　true　and　very　meek；　and　had　a　conscience　void　of　offence；　it
wouldn't。〃

〃Yes；　that's　what　it　seems　to　depend　upon；〃　said　Mrs。　Pasmer；　keeping　her
eye　on　the　bulb。　　She　dodged　suddenly　forward；　and　put　out　the　spirit…
lamp。　　〃Now　have　your　coffee！〃　she　cried；　with　a　great　air　of　relief。　〃You
must　need　it　by　this　time；〃　she　said　with　a　low　cynical　laugh〃　both　of
you！〃

〃Did　you　always　make　coffee　with　a　biggin　in　France；　Mrs。　Pasmer？〃　asked
Dan；　and　he　laughed　out　the　last　burden　that　lurked　in　his　heart。

Mrs。　Pasmer　joined　him。　　〃No；　Mr。　Mavering。　　In　France　you　don't　need　a
biggin。　　I　set　mine　up　when　we　went　to　England。〃

Alice　looked　darkly　from　one　of　these　light　spirits　to　the　other；　and　then
they　all　shrieked　together。

They　went　on　talking　volubly　from　that；　and　they　talked　as　far　away　from
what　they　were　thinking　about　as　possible。　　They　talked　of　Europe；　and
Mrs。　Pasmer　said　where　they　would　live　and　what　they　would　do　when　they
all　got　back　there　together。　　Dan　abetted　her；　and　said　that　they　must
cross　in　June。　　Mrs。　Pasmer　said　that　she　thought　June　was　a　good　month。
He　asked　if　it　were　not　the　month　of　the　marriages　too；　and　she　answered
that　he　must　ask　Alice　about　that。　　Alice　blushed　and　laughed　her　sweet
reluctant　laugh；　and　said　she　did　not　know；　she　had　never　been　married。

It　was　silly；　but　it　was　delicious；　it　made　them　really　one　family。　　Deep
in　his　consciousness　a　compunction　pierced　and　teased　Dan。　　But　he　said　to
himself　that　it　was　all　a　joke　about　their　European　plans；　or　else　his
people　would　consent　to　it　if　he　really　wished　it。




XXXIX。

A　period　of　entire　harmony　and　tenderness　followed　the　episode　which
seemed　to　threaten　the　lovers　with　the　loss　of　each　other。　　Mavering
forbore　to　make　Alice　feel　that　in　attempting　a　sacrifice　which　consulted
only　his　good　and　ignored　his　happiness；　and　then　failing　in　it　so
promptly；　she　had　played　rather　a　silly　part。　　After　one　or　two　tentative
jokes　in　that　direction　he　found　the　ground　unsafe；　and　with　the　instinct
which　served　him　in　place　of　more　premeditated　piety　he　withdrew；　and　was
able　to　treat　the　affair　with　something　like　religious　awe。　　He　was
obliged；　in　fact；　to　steady　Alice's　own　faith　in　it；　and　to　keep　her　from
falling　under　dangerous　self…condemnation　in　that　and　other　excesses　of
uninstructed　self…devotion。　　This　brought　no　fatigue　to　his　robust
affection；　whatever　it　might　have　done　to　a　heart　more　tried　in　such
exercises。　　Love　acquaints　youth　with　many　things　in　character　and
temperament　which　are　none　the　less　interesting　because　it　never　explains
them；　and　Dan　was　of　such　a　make　that　its　revelations　of　Alice　were
charming　to　him　because　they　were　novel。　　He　had　thought　her　a　person　of
such　serene　and　flawless　wisdom　that　it　was　rather　a　relief　to　find　her
subject　to　gusts　of　imprudence；　to　unexpected　passions　and　resentments；　to
foibles　and　errors；　like　other　people。　　Her　power　of　cold　reticence；　which
she　could　employ　at　will；　was　something　that　fascinated　him　almost　as　much
as　that　habit　of　impulsive　concession　which　seemed　to　came　neither　from
her　will　nor　her　reason。　　He　was　a　person　himself　who　was　so　eager　to　give
other　people　pleasure　that　he　quivered　with　impatience　to　see　them　happy
through　his　words　or　acts；　he　could　not　bear　to　think　that　any　one　to　whom
he　was　speaking　was　not　perfectly　comfortable　in　regard　to　him；　and　it　was
for　this　reason　perhaps　that　he　admired　a　girl　who　could　prescribe　herself
a　line　of　social　conduct；　and　follow　it　out　regardless　of　individual
pangswho　could　act　from　ideals　and　principles；　and　not　from　emotions　and
sympathies。　　He　knew　that　she　had　the　emotions　and　sympathies；　for　there
were　times　when　she　lavished　them　on　him；　and　that　she　could　seem　without
them　was　another　proof　of　that　depth　of　nature　which　he　liked　to　imagine
had　first　attracted　him　to　her。　　Dan　Mavering　had　never　been　able　to　snub
any　one　in　his　life；　it　gave　him　a　great　respect　for　Alice　that　it　seemed
not　to　cost　her　an　effort　or　a　regret；　and　it　charmed　him　to　think　that
her　severity　was　part　of　the　unconscious　sham　which　imposed　her　upon　the
world　for　a　person　of　inflexible　design　and　invariable　constancy　to　it。
He　was　not　long　in　seeing　that　she　shared　this　illusion；　if　it　was　an
illusion；　and　that　perhaps　the　only　person　besides　himself　who　was　in　the
joke　was　her　mother。　　Mrs。　Pasmer　and　he　grew　more　and　more　into　each
other's　confidence　in　talking　Alice　over；　and　he　admired　the　intrepidity
of　this　lady；　who　was　not　afraid　of　her　daughter　even　in　the　girl's　most
topping　moments　of　self…abasement。　　For　his　own　part；　these　moods　of　hers
never　failed　to　cause　him　confusion　and　anxiety。　　They　commonly　intimated
themselves　parenthetically　in　the　midst　of　some　blissful　talk　they　were
having；　and　overcast　his　clear　sky　with　retrospective　ideals　of　conduct　or
presentimental　plans　for　contingencies　that　might　never　occur。　　He　found
himself　suddenly　under　condemnation　for　not　having　reproved　her　at　a　given
time　when　she　forced　him　to　admit　she　had　seemed　unkind　or　cold　to　others；
she　made　him　promise　that　even　at　the　risk　of　alienating　her　affections　he
would　make　up　for　her　deficiencies　of　behaviour　in　such　matters　whenever
he　noticed　them。　　She　now　praised　him　for　what　he　had　done　for　Mrs。
Frobisher　and　her　sister　at　Mrs。　Bellingham's　reception；　she　said　it　was
generous；　heroic。　　But　Mavering　rested　satisfied　with　his　achievement　in
that　instance；　and　did　not　attempt　anything　else　of　the　kind。　　He　did　not
reason　from　cause　to　effect　in　regard　to　it：　a　man's　love　is　such　that
while　it　lasts　he　cannot　project　its　object　far　enough　from　him　to　judge
it　reasonable　or　unreasonable；　but　Dan's　instincts　had　been　disciplined
and　his　perceptions　sharpened　by　that　experience。　　Besides；　in　bidding　him
take　this　impartial　and　even　admonitory　course　toward　her；　she　stipulated
that　they　should　maintain　to　the　world　a　perfect　harmony　of　conduct　which
should　be　an　outward　image　of　the　union　of　their　lives。　　She　said　that
anything　less　than　a　continued　self…sacrifice　of　one　to　the　other　was　not
worthy　of　the　name　of　love；　and　that　she　should　not　be　happy　unless　he
required　this　of　her。　　She　said　that　they　ought　each　to　find　out　what　was
the　most　distasteful　thing　which　they　could　mutually　require；　and　then　do
it；　she　asked　him　to　try　to　think　what　she　most　hated；　and　let　her　do　that
for　him；　as　for　her；　she　only　asked　to　ask　nothing　of　him。

Mavering　could　not　worship　enough　this　nobility　of　soul　in　her；　and　he
celebrated　it　to　Boardman　with　the　passionate　need　of　imparting　his
rapture　which　a　lover　feel。　　Boardman　acquiesced　in　silence；　with　a　glance
of　reserved　sarcasm；　or　contented　himself　with　laconic　satire　of　his
friend's　general　condition；　and　avoided　any　comment　that　might
specifically　apply　to　the　points　Dan　made。　　Alice　allowed　him　to　have　this
confidant；　and　did　not　demand　of　him　a　report　of　all　he　said　to　Boardman。
A　main　fact　of　their　love；　she　said；　must　be　their　u