april hopes-第43章

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〃That　was　what　vexed　me　with　you　there　at　Campobello；　when　youasked　me　〃

〃Yes；　I　know。〃

〃You　ought　to　have　understood　me　better。　　You　ought　to　know　now　that　I
don't　wish　you　to　do　anything　on　my　account；　but　because　it's　something　we
owe　to　others。〃

〃Oh；　excuse　me！　　I'd　much　rather　do　it　for　you；〃　cried　Dan；　but　Alice
looked　so　grave；　so　hurt；　that　he　hastened　on：　〃How　in　the　world　does　it
concern　others　whether　we　are　devoted　or　not；　whether　we're　harmonious　and
two…souls…with…but…a…single…thought；　and　all　that？〃　　He　could　not　help
being　light　about　it。

〃How？〃　Alice　repeated。　　〃Won't　it　give　them　an　idea　of　whatwhatof　how
muchhow　trulyif　we　care　for　each　otherhow　people　ought　to　care？　　We
don't　do　it　for　ourselves。　　That　would　be　selfish　and　disgusting。　　We　do
it　because　it's　something　that　we　owe　to　the　idea　of　being　engagedof
having　devoted　our　lives　to　each　other；　and　would　showwould　teach〃

〃Oh　yes！　　I　know　what　you　mean；〃　said　Dan；　and　he　gave　way　in　a　sputtering
laugh。　　〃But　they　wouldn't　understand。　　They'd　only　think　we　were　spoons
on　each　other；　and　if　they　noticed　that　I　cooled　off　toward　people　I'd
liked；　and　warmed　up　toward　those　you　liked；　they'd　say　you　made　me。〃

〃Should　you　care？〃　asked　Alice　sublimely；　withdrawing　a　little　from　his
arm。

〃Oh　no！　only　on　your　account；〃　he　answered；　checking　his　laugh。

〃You　needn't　on　my　account；〃　she　returned。　　〃If　we　sacrifice　some　little
preferences　to　each　other；　isn't　that　right？　　I　shall　be　glad　to　sacrifice
all　of　mine　to　you。　　Isn't　ourmarriage　to　be　full　of　such　sacrifices？　　I
expect　to　give　up　everything　to　you。〃　　She　looked　at　him　with　a　sad
severity。

He　began　to　laugh　again。　　〃Oh　no；　Alice！　　Don't　do　that！　　I　couldn't　stand
it。　　I　want　some　little　chance　at　the　renunciations　myself。〃

She　withdrew　still　further　from　his　side；　and　said；　with　a　cold　anger；
〃It's　that　detestable　Mrs。　Brinkley。〃

〃Mrs。　Brinkley！〃　shouted　Dan。

〃Yes；　with　her　pessimism。　　I　have　heard　her　talk。　　She　influences　you。
Nothing　is　sacred　to　her。　　It　was　she　who　took　up　with　those　army　women
that　night。〃

〃Well；　Alice；　I　must　say　you　can　give　things　as　ugly　names　as　the　next
one。　　I　haven't　seen　Mrs。　Brinkley　the　whole　winter；　except　in　your
company。　　But　she　has　more　sense　than　all　the　other　women　I　know。〃

〃Oh；　thank　you！〃

〃You　know　I　don't　mean　you；〃　he　pushed　on。　　〃And　she　isn't　a　pessimist。
She's　very　kindhearted；　and　that　night　she　was　very　polite　and　good　to
those　army　women；　as　you　call　them；　when　you　had　refused　to　say　a　word　or
do　anything　for　them。〃

〃I　knew　it　had　been　rankling　in　your　mind　all　along；〃　said　the　girl　〃I
expected　it　to　coma　out　sooner　or　later。　　And　you　talk　about　renunciation！
You　never　forget　nor　forgive　the　slightest　thing。　　But　I　don't　ask　your
forgiveness。〃

〃Alice！〃

〃No。　　You　are　as　hard　as　iron。　　You　have　that　pleasant　outside　manner　that
makes　people　think　you're　very　gentle　and　yielding；　but　all　the　time
you're　like　adamant。　　I　would　rather　die　than　ask　your　forgiveness　for
anything；　and　you'd　rather　let　me　than　give　it。〃

〃Well；　then；　I　ask　your　forgiveness；　Alice；　and　I'm　sure　you　won't　let　me
die　without　it。〃

They　regarded　each　other　a　moment。　　Then　the　tenderness　gushed　up　in　their
hearts；　a　passionate　tide；　and　swept　them　into　each　other's　arms。

〃O　Dan；〃　she　cried；　〃how　sweet　you　are！　how　good！　how　lovely！　　Oh；　how
wonderful　it　is！　　I　wanted　to　hate　you；　but　I　couldn't。　　I　couldn't　do
anything　but　love　you。　　Yes；　now　I　understand　what　love　is；　and　how　it　can
do　everything；　and　last　for　ever。〃




XLI。

Mavering　came　to　lunch　the　next　day；　and　had　a　word　with　Mrs。　Pasmer
before　Alice　came　in。　　Mr。　Pasmer　usually　lunched　at　the　club。

〃We　don't　see　much　of　Mrs。　Saintsbury　nowadays；〃　he　suggested。

〃No；　it's　a　great　way　to　Cambridge；〃　said　Mrs。　Pasmer；　stifling；　in　a
little　sigh　of　apparent　regret　for　the　separation；　the　curiosity　she　felt
as　to　Dan's　motive　in　mentioning　Mrs。　Saintsbury。　　She　was　very　patient
with　him　when　he　went　on。

〃Yes；　it　is　a　great　way。　　And　a　strange　thing　about　it　is　that　when　you're
living　here　it's　a　good　deal　further　from　Boston　to　Cambridge　than　it　is
from　Cambridge　to　Boston。〃

〃Yes；〃　said　Mrs。　Pasmer；　〃every　one　notices　that。〃

Dan　sat　absently　silent　for　a　time　before　he　said；　〃Yes；　I　guess　I　must　go
out　and　see　Mrs。　Saintsbury。〃

〃Yes；　you　ought。　　She's　very　fond　of　you。　　You　and　Alice　ought　both　to
go。〃

〃Does　Mrs。　Saintsbury　like　me？〃　asked　Dan。　　〃Well；　she's　awfully　nice。
Don't　you　think　she's　awfully　fond　of　formulating　people？〃

〃Oh；　everybody　in　Cambridge　does　that。　　They　don't　gossip；　they　merely
accumulate　materials　for　the　formulation　of　character。〃

〃And　they　get　there　just　the　same！〃　cried　Dan。　　〃Mrs。　Saintsbury　used　to
think　she　had　got　me　down　pretty　fine；〃　he　suggested。

〃Yes！〃　said　Mrs。　Pasmer；　with　an　indifference　which　they　both　knew　she　did
not　feel。

〃Yes。　　She　used　to　accuse　me　of　preferring　to　tack；　even　in　a　fair　wind。〃

He　looked　inquiringly　at　Mrs。　Pasmer；　and　she　said；　〃How　ridiculous！〃

〃Yes；　it　was。　　Well；　I　suppose　I　am　rather　circuitous　about　some　things。〃

〃Oh；　not　at　all！〃

〃And　I　suppose　I'm　rather　a　trial　to　Alice　in　that　way。〃

He　looked　at　Mrs。　Pasmer　again；　and　she　said：　　〃I　don't　believe　you　are；
in　the　least。　　You　can't　tell　what　is　trying　to　a　girl。〃

〃No；〃　said　Dan　pensively；　〃I　can't。〃　　Mrs。　Pasmer　tried　to　render　the
interest　in　her　face　less　vivid。　　〃I　can't　tell　where　she's　going　to　bring
up。　　Talk　about　tacking！〃

〃Do　you　mean　the　abstract　girl；　or　Alice？〃

〃Oh；　the　abstract　girl；〃　said　Dan；　and　they　laughed　together。　　〃You　think
Alice　is　very　straightforward；　don't　you？〃

〃Very；〃　said　Mrs。　Pasmer；　looking　down　with　a　smile〃for　a　girl。〃

〃Yes；　that's　what　I　mean。　　And　don't　you　think　the　most　circuitous　kind　of
fellow　would　be　pretty　direct　compared　with　the　straight…forwardest　kind
of　girl？〃

There　was　a　rueful　defeat　and　bewilderment　in　Dan's　face　that　made　Mrs。
Pasmer　laugh。　　〃What　has　she　been　doing　now？〃　she　asked。

〃Mrs。　Pasmer；〃　said　Dan；　〃you　and　I　are　the　only　frank　and　open　people　I
know。　　Well；　she　began　to　talk　last　night　about　influencethe　influence
of　other　people　on　us；　and　she　killed　off　nearly　all　the　people　I　like
before　I　knew　what　she　was　up　to；　and　she　finished　with　Mrs。　Brinkley。
I'm　glad　she　didn't　happen　to　think　of　you；　Mrs。　Pasmer；　or　I　shouldn't　be
associating　with　you　at　the　present　moment。〃　　This　idea　seemed　to　give
Mrs。　Pasmer　inexpressible　pleasure。　　Dan　went　on：　〃Do　you　quite　see　the
connection　between　our　being　entirely　devoted　to　each　other　and　my
dropping　Mrs。　Brinkley？〃

〃I　don't　know；〃　said　Mrs。　Pasmer。　　〃Alice　doesn't　like　satirical　people。〃

〃Well；　of　course　not。　　But　Mrs。　Brinkley　is　such　an　admirer　of　hers。〃

〃I　dare　say　she　tells　you　so。〃

〃Oh；　but　she　is！〃

〃I　don't　deny　it；〃　said　Mrs。　Pasmer。　　〃But　if　Alice　feels　something
inimicalantipaticoin　her　atmosphere；　it's　no　use　talking。〃

〃Oh　no；　it's　no　use　talking；　and　I　don't　know　that　I　want　to　talk。〃　　After
a　pause；　Mavering　asked；　〃Mrs。　Pasmer；　don't　you　think　that　where　two
people　are　going　to　be　entirely　devoted　to　each　other；　and　self…
sacrificing　to　each　other；　they　ought　to　divide；　and　one　do　all　the
devotion；　and　the　other　all　the　self…sacrifice？〃

Mrs。　Pasmer　was　amused　by　the　droll　look　in　Dan's　eyes。　　〃I　think　they
ought　to　be　willing　to　share　evenly；〃　she　said。

〃Yes；　that's　what　I　sayshare　and　share　alike。　　I'm　not　selfish　about
those　little　things。〃　　He　blew　off　a　long　sighing　breath。　　〃Mrs。　Pasmer；
don't　you　think　we　ought　to　have　an　ideal　of　conduct？〃

Mrs。　Pasmer　abandoned　herself　to　laughter。　　〃O　Dan！　Dan！　　You　will　be　the
death　of　me。〃

〃We　will　die　together；　then；　Mrs。　Pasmer。　　Alice　will　kill　me。〃　　He
regarded　her　with　a　sad　sympathy　in　his　eye　as　she　laughed　and　laughed
with　delicious　intelligence　of　the　case。　　The　intelligence　was　perfect；
from　their　point　of　view；　but　whether　it　fathomed　the　girl's　whole
intention　or　aspiration　is　another　matter。　　Perhaps　this　was　not　very
clear　to　herself。　　At　any　rate；　Mavering　did　not　go　any　more　to　see　Mrs。
Brinkley；　whose　house　he　had　liked　to　drop　into。　　Alice　went　several
times；　to　show；　she　said；　that　she　had　no　feeling　in　the　matter；　and　Mrs。
Brinkley；　when　she　met　Dan；　forbore　to　embarrass　him　with　questions　or
reproaches；　she　only　praised　Alice　to　him。

There　were　not　many　other　influences　that　Alice　cut　him　off　from；　she　even
exposed　him　to　some　influences　that　might　have　been　thought　deleterious。
She　made　him　go　and　call　alone　upon　certain　young　ladies　whom　she
specified；　and　she　praised　several　others　to　him；　though　she　did　not
praise　them　for　the　same　things　that　he　did。　　One　of　them　was　a　girl　to
whom　Alice　had　taken　a　great　fancy；　such　as　often　buds　into　a　romantic
passion　between　women；　she　was　very　gentle　and　mild；　and　she　had　none　of
that　strength　of　will　which　she　admired　in　Alice。　　One　night　there　was　a
sleighing　party　to　a　hotel　in　the　suburbs；　where　they　had　dancing　and　then
supper。　　After　the　supper　they　danced　〃Little　Sally　Waters〃　for　a　finale；
instead　of　the　Virginia　Reel；　and　Alice　would　not　go　on　the　floor　with
Dan；　she　said　she　disliked　that　dance；　but　she　told　him　to　dance　with　Miss
Langham。　　It　became　a　gale　of　fun；　and　in　the　height　of　it　Dan　slipped　and
fell　with　his　partner。　　They　laughed　it　off；　with　the　rest；　but　after　a
while　the　girl　began　to　cry；　she　had　received　a　painful　bruise。　　All　the
way　home；　while　the　others　laughed　and　sang　and　chattered；　Dan　was
troubled　about　this　poor　girl；　his　anxiety　became　a　joke　with　the　whole
sleighful　of　people。

When　he　parted　with　Alice　at　her　door；　he　said；　〃I'm　afraid　I　hurt　Miss
Langham；　I　feel　awfully　about　it。〃

〃Yes；　there's　no　doubt　of　that。　　Good　night！〃

She　left　him　to　go　off　to　his　lodging；　hot　and　tingling　with　indignation
at　her　injustice。　　But　kindlier　thoughts　came　to　him　before　he　slept；　and
he　fell　asleep　with　a　smile　of　tenderness　for　her　on　his　lips。　　He　could
see　how　he　was　wrong　to　go　out　with　any　one　else　when　Alice　said　she
disliked　the　dance；　he　ought　not　to　have　taken　advantage　of　her　generosity
in　appointing　him　a　partner；　it　was　trying　for　her　to　see　him　make　that
ludicrous　tumble；　of　course；　and　perhaps　he　had　overdone　the　attentive
sympathy　on　the　way　home。　　It　flattered　him　that　she　could　not　help
showing　her　jealousythat　is　flattering；　at　first；　and　Dan　was　able　to　go
and　confess　all　but　this　to　Alice。　　She　received　his　submission
magnanimously；　and　said　that　she　was　glad　it　had　happened；　because　his
saying　this　showed　that　now　they　understood　each　other　perfectly。　　Then
she　fixed　her　eyes　on　his；　and　said；　〃I've　just　been　round　to　see　Lilly；
and　she's　as　well　as　ever；　it　was　only　a　nervous　shock。〃

Whether　Mavering　was　really　indifferent　to　Miss　Langham's　condition；　or
whether　the　education　of　his　perceptions　had　gone　so　far　that　he
consciously　ignored　her；　he　answered；　〃That　was　splendid　of　you；　Alice。〃

〃No；〃　she　said；　〃it's　you　that　are　splendid；　and　you　always　are。　　Oh；　I
wonder　if　I　can　ever　be　worthy　of　you！〃

Their　mutual　forgiveness　was　very　sweet　to　them；　and　they　went　on　praising