april hopes-第44章

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Their　mutual　forgiveness　was　very　sweet　to　them；　and　they　went　on　praising
each　other。　　Alice　suddenly　broke　away　from　this　weakening　exchange　of
worship；　and　said；　with　that　air　of　coming　to　business　which　he　lad
learned　to　recognise　and　dread　a　little；　〃Dan；　don't　you　think　I　ought　to
write　to　your　mother？〃

〃Write　to　my　mother？〃　　Why；　you　have　written　to　her。　　You　wrote　as　soon　as
you　got　back；　and　she　answered　you。〃

〃Yes；　but　write　regularly？Show　that　I　think　of　her　all　the　time？〃　　When
I　really　think　I'm　going　to　take　you　from　her；　I　seem　so　cruel　and
heartless！〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　look　at　it　in　that　light；　Alice。〃

〃Don't　joke！　　And　when　I　think　that　we're　going　away　to　leave　her；　for
several　years；　perhaps；　as　soon　as　we're　married；　I　can't　make　it　seem
right。　　I　know　how　she　depends　upon　your　being　near　her；　and　seeing　her
every　now　and　then；　and　to　go　off　to　Europe　for　years；　perhapsOf　course
you　can　be　of　use　to　your　father　there；　but　do　you　think　it's　right　toward
your　mother？　　I　want　you　to　think。〃

Dan　thought；　but　his　thinking　was　mainly　to　the　effect　that　he　did　not
know　what　she　was　driving　at。　　Had　she　got　any　inkling　of　that　plan　of　his
mother's　for　them　to　come　and　stay　a　year　or　two　at　the　Falls　after　their
marriage？　　He　always　expected　to　be　able　to　reconcile　that　plan　with　the
Pasmer　plan　of　going　at　once；　to　his　optimism　the　two　were　not　really
incompatible；　but　he　did　not　wish　them　prematurely　confronted　in　Alice's
mind。　　Was　this　her　way　of　letting　him　know　that　she　knew　what　his　mother
wished；　and　that　she　was　willing　to　make　the　sacrifice？　　Or　was　it　just
some　vague　longing　to　please　him　by　a　show　of　affection　toward　his　family；
an　unmeditated　impulse　of　reparation？　　He　had　an　impulse　himself　to　be
frank　with　Alice；　to　take　her　at　her　word；　and　to　allow　that　he　did　not
like　the　notion　of　going　abroad。　　This　was　Dan's　notion　of　being　frank；　he
could　still　reserve　the　fact　that　he　had　given　his　mother　a　tacit　promise
to　bring　Alice　home　to　live；　but　he　postponed　even　this。　　He　said：　〃Oh；　I
guess　that'll　be　all　right；　Alice。　　At　any　rate；　there's　no　need　to　think
about　it　yet　awhile。　　That　can　be　arranged。〃

〃Yes；〃　said　Alice；　〃but　don't　you　think　I'd　better　get　into　the　habit　of
writing　regularly　to　your　mother　now；　so　that　there　needn't　be　any　break
when　we　go　abroad？〃　　He　could　see　now　that　she　had　no　idea　of　giving　that
plan　up；　and　he　was　glad　that　he　had　not　said　anything。　　〃I　think；〃　she
continued；　〃that　I　shall　write　to　her　once　a　week；　and　give　her　a　full
account　of　our　life　from　day　to　day；　it'll　be　more　like　a　diary；　and　then；
when　we　get　over　there；　I　can　keep　it　up　without　any　effort；　and　she　won't
feel　so　much　that　you've　gone。〃

She　seemed　to　refer　the　plan　to　him；　and　he　said　it　was　capital。　　In　fact；
he　did　like　the　notion　of　a　diary；　that　sort　of　historical　view　would
involve　less　danger　of　precipitating　a　discussion　of　the　two　schemes　of
life　for　the　future。　　〃It's　awfully　kind　of　you；　Alice；　to　propose　such　a
thing；　and　you　mustn't　make　it　a　burden。　　Any　sort　of　little　sketchy
record　will　do；　mother　can　read　between　the　lines；　you　know。〃

〃It　won't　be　a　burden；〃　said　the　girl　tenderly。　　〃I　shall　seem　to　be　doing
it　for　your　mother；　but　I　know　I　shall　be　doing　it　for　you。　　I　do
everything　for　you。　　Do　you　think　it's　right？〃

〃Oh；　it　must　be；〃　said　Dan；　laughing。　　〃It's　so　pleasant。〃

〃Oh；〃　said　the　girl　gloomily；　〃that's　what　makes　me　doubt　it。〃




XLII。

Eunice　Mavering　acknowledged　Alice's　first　letter。　　She　said　that　her
mother　read　it　aloud　to　them　all；　and　had　been　delighted　with　the　good
account　she　gave　of　Dan；　and　fascinated　with　all　the　story　of　their　daily
doings　and　sayings。　　She　wished　Eunice　to　tell　Alice　how　fully　she
appreciated　her　thoughtfulness　of　a　sick　old　woman；　and　that　she　was　going
to　write　herself　and　thank　her。　　But　Eunice　added　that　Alice　must　not　be
surprised　if　her　mother　was　not　very　prompt　in　this；　and　she　sent　messages
from　all　the　family；　affectionate　for　Alice；　and　polite　for　her　father　and
mother。

Alice　showed　Dan　the　letter；　and　he　seemed　to　find　nothing　noticeable　in
it。　　〃She　says　your　mother　will　write　later；〃　Alice　suggested。

〃Yes。　　You　ought　to　feel　very　much　complimented　by　that。　　Mother's
autographs　are　pretty　uncommon；〃　he　said；　smiling。

〃Why；　doesn't　she　write？　　Can't　she？　　Does　it　tire　her？〃　asked　Alice。

〃Oh　yes；　she　can　write；　but　she　hates　to。　　She　gets　Eunice　or　Minnie　to
write　usually。〃

〃Dan；〃　cried　Alice　intensely；　〃why　didn't　you　tell　me？〃

〃Why；　I　thought　you　knew　it；〃　he　explained　easily。　　〃She　likes　to　read；
and　likes　to　talk；　but　it　bores　her　to　write。　　I　don't　suppose　I　get　more
than　two　or　three　pencil　scratches　from　her　in　the　course　of　a　year。　　She
makes　the　girls　write。　　But　you　needn't　mind　her　not　writing。　　You　may　be
sure　she's　glad　of　your　letters。〃

〃It　makes　me　seem　very　presumptuous　to　be　writing　to　her　when　there's　no
chance　of　her　answering；〃　Alice　grieved。　　〃It's　as　if　I　had　passed　over
your　sisters'　heads。　　I　ought　to　have　written　to　them。〃

〃Oh；　well；　you　can　do　that　now；〃　said　Dan　soothingly。

〃No。　　No；　I　can't　do　it　now。　　It　would　be　ridiculous。〃　　She　was　silent；
and　presently　she　asked；　〃Is　there　anything　else　about　your　mother　that　I
ought　to　know？〃　　She　looked　at　him　with　a　sort　of　impending　discipline　in
her　eyes　which　he　had　learned　to　dread；　it　meant　such　a　long　course　of
things；　such　a　very　great　variety　of　atonement　and　expiation　for　him；　that
he　could　not　bring　himself　to　confront　it　steadily。

His　heart　gave　a　feeble　leap；　he　would　have　gladly　told　her　all　that　was
in　it；　and　he　meant　to　do　so　at　the　right　time；　but　this　did　not　seem　the
moment。　　〃I　can't　say　that　there　is；〃　he　answered　coldly。

In　that　need　of　consecrating　her　happiness　which　Alice　felt；　she　went　a
great　deal　to　church　in　those　days。　　Sometimes　she　felt　the　need　almost　of
defence　against　her　happiness；　and　a　vague　apprehension　mixed　with　it。
Could　it　be　right　to　let　it　claim　her　whole　being；　as　it　seemed　to　do？
Than　was　the　question　which　she　once　asked　Dan；　and　it　made　him　laugh；　and
catch　her　to　him　in　a　rapture　that　served　for　the　time；　and　then　left　her
to　more　morbid　doubts。　　Evidently　he　could　not　follow　her　in　them；　he
could　not　even　imagine　them；　and　while　he　was　with　her　they　seemed　to　have
no　verity　or　value。　　But　she　talked　them　over　very　hypothetically　and
impersonally　with　Miss　Cotton；　in　whose　sympathy　they　resumed　all　their
import；　and　gained　something　more。　　In　the　idealisation　which　the　girl
underwent　in　this　atmosphere　all　her　thoughts　and　purposes　had　a
significance　which　she　would　not　of　herself；　perhaps；　have　attached　to
them。　　They　discussed　them　and　analysed　them　with　a　satisfaction　in　the
result　which　could　not　be　represented　without　an　effect　of　caricature。
They　measured　Alice's　romance　together；　and　evolved　from　it　a　sublimation
of　responsibility；　of　duty；　of　devotion；　which　Alice　found　it　impossible
to　submit　to　Dan　when　he　came　with　his　simple…hearted；　single…minded
purpose　of　getting　Mrs。　Pasmer　out　of　the　room；　and　sitting　down　with　his
arm　around　Alice's　waist。　　When　he　had　accomplished　this　it　seemed
sufficient　in　itself；　and　she　had　to　think；　to　struggle　to　recall　things
beyond　it；　above　it。　　He　could　not　be　made　to　see　at　such　times　how　their
lives　could　be　more　in　unison　than　they　were。　　When　she　proposed　doing
something　for　him　which　he　knew　was　disagreeable　to　her；　he　would　not　let
her；　and　when　she　hinted　at　anything　she　wished　him　to　do　for　her　because
she　knew　it　was　disagreeable　to　him；　he　consented　so　promptly；　so
joyously；　that　she　perceived　he　could　not　have　given　the　least　thought　to
it。

She　felt　every　day　that　they　were　alien　in　their　tastes　and　aims；　their
pleasures　were　not　the　same；　and　though　it　was　sweet；　though　it　was
charming；　to　have　him　give　up　so　willingly　all　his　preferences；　she　felt；
without　knowing　that　the　time　must　come　when　this　could　not　be　so；　that　it
was　all　wrong。

〃But　these　very　differences；　these　antagonisms；　if　you　wish　to　call　them
so；〃　suggested　Miss　Cotton；　in　talking　Alice's　misgivings　over　with　her；
〃aren't　they　just　what　will　draw　you　together　more　and　more？　　Isn't　it
what　attracted　you　to　each　other？　　The　very　fact　that　you　are　such　perfect
counterparts〃

〃Yes；〃　the　girl　assented；　〃that's　what　we're　taught　to　believe。〃　　She
meant　by　the　novels；　to　which　we　all　trust　our　instruction　in　such
matters；　and　her　doubt　doubly　rankled　after　she　had　put　it　to　silence。

She　kept　on　writing　to　Dan's　mother；　though　more　and　more　perfunctorily；
and　now　Eunice　and　now　Minnie　Mavering　acknowledged　her　letters。　　She　knew
that　they　must　think　she　was　silly；　but　having　entered　by　Dan's　connivance
upon　her　folly；　she　was　too　proud　to　abandon　it。

At　last；　after　she　had　ceased　to　expect　it；　came　a　letter　from　his　mother；
not　a　brief　note；　but　a　letter　which　the　invalid　had　evidently　tasked
herself　to　make　long　and　full；　in　recognition　of　Alice's　kindness　in
writing　to　her　so　much。　　The　girl　opened　it；　and；　after　a　verifying　glance
at　the　signature；　began　to　read　it　with　a　thrill　of　tender　triumph；　and
the　fond　prevision　of　the　greater　pleasure　of　reading　it　again　with　Dan。

But　after　reading　it　once　through；　she　did　not　wait　for　him　before　reading
it　again　and　again。　　She　did　this　with　bewilderment；　intershot　with
flashes　of　conviction；　and　then　doubts　of　this　conviction。　　When　she　could
misunderstand　no　longer；　she　rose　quietly　and　folded　the　letter；　and　put
it　carefully　back　into　its　envelope　and　into　her　writing　desk；　where　she
sat　down　and　wrote；　in　her　clearest　and　firmest　hand；　this　note　to
Mavering

〃I　wish　to　see　you　immediately。

〃ALICE　PASMER。〃




XLIII

Dan　had　learned；　with　a　lover's　keenness；　to　read　Alice's　moods　in　the
most　colourless　wording　of　her　notes。　　She　was　rather　apt　to　write　him
notes；　taking　back　or　reaffirming　the　effect　of　something　that　had　just
passed　between　them。　　Her　note　were　tempered　to　varying　degrees　of　heat
and　cold；　so　fine　that　no　one　else　would　have　felt　the　difference；　but
sensible　to　him　in　their　subtlest　intention。

Perhaps　a　mere　witness　of　the　fact　would　have　been　alarmed　by　a　note　which
began　without　an　address；　except　that　on　the　envelope；　and　ended　its
peremptory　brevity　with　the　writer's　name　signed　in　full。　　Dan　read
calamity　in　it；　and　he　had　all　the　more　trouble　to　pull　himself　together
to　meet　it　because　he　had　parted　with　unusual　tenderness　from　Alice　the
night　before；　after　an　evening　in　which　it　seemed　to　him　that　their　ideals
had　been　completely　reconciled。

The　note　came；　as　her　notes　were　apt　to　come；　while　Dan　was　at　breakfast；
which　he　was　rather　luxurious　about　for　so　young　a　man；　and　he　felt
formlessly　glad　afterward　that　he　had　drunk　his　first　cup　of　coffee　before
he　opened　it；　for　it　chilled　the　second　cup；　and　seemed　to　take　all
character　out　of　the　omelet。

He　obeyed　it；　wondering　what　the　doom　menaced　in　it　might　be；　but　knowing
that　it　was　doom；　and　leaving　his　breakfast　half…finished；　with　a　dull
sense　of　the　tragedy　of　doing　so。

He　would　have　liked　to　ask　for　Mrs。　Pasmer　first；　and　interpose　a　moment
of　her　c