april hopes-第46章

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wretched　and　wicked　together。〃

〃What　did　you　say　to　him；　Alice？〃　asked　her　mother；　unshaken　by　her
rhetoric。

〃I　told　him　he　was　a　faithless　person。〃

〃Then　you　were　a　cruel　girl；〃　cried　Mrs。　Pasmer；　with　sudden　indignation；
〃and　if　you　were　not　my　daughter　I　could　be　glad　he　had　escaped　you。　　I
don't　know　where　you　got　all　those　silly；　romantic　notions　of　yours　about
these　things。　　You　certainly　didn't　get　them　from　me；〃　she　continued；　with
undeniable　truth；　〃and　I　don't　believe　you　get　them　from　your　Church；
It's　just　as　Miss　Anderson　said：　your　Church　makes　allowance　for　human
nature；　but　you　make　none。〃

〃I　shouldn't　go　to　Julia　Anderson　for　instruction　in　such　matters；〃　said
the　girl；　with　cold　resentment。

〃I　wish　you　would　go　to　her　for　a　little　commonsenseor　somebody；〃　said
Mrs。　Pasmer。　　〃Do　you　know　what　talk　this　will　make？〃

〃I　don't　care　for　the　talk。　　It　would　be　worse　than　talk　to　marry　a　man
whom　I　couldn't　trustwho　wanted　to　please　me　so　much　that　he　had　to
deceive　me；　and　was　too　much　afraid　of　me　to　tell　me　the　truth。〃

〃You　headstrong　girl！〃　said　her　mother　impartially；　admiring　at　the　same
time　the　girl's　haughty　beauty。

There　was　an　argument　in　reserve　in　Mrs。　Pasmer's　mind　which　perhaps　none
but　an　American　mother　would　have　hesitated　to　urge；　but　it　is　so　wholly
our　tradition　to　treat　the　important　business　of　marriage　as　a　romantic
episode　that　even　she　could　not　bring　herself　to　insist　that　her　daughter
should　not　throw　away　a　chance　so　advantageous　from　every　worldly　point　of
view。　　She　could　only　ask；　〃If　you　break　this　engagement；　what　do　you
expect　to　do？〃

〃The　engagement　is　broken。　　I　shall　go　into　a　sisterhood。〃

〃You　will　do　nothing　of　the　kind；　with　my　consent；〃　said　Mrs。　Pasmer。
〃I　will　have　no　such　nonsense。　　Don't　flatter　yourself　that　I　will。　　Even
if　I　approved　of　such　a　thing；　I　should　think　it　wicked　to　let　you　do　it。
You're　always　fancying　yourself　doing　something　very　devoted；　but　I've
never　seen　you　ready　to　give　up　your　own　will；　or　your　own　comfort　even；
in　the　slightest　degree。　　And　Dan　Mavering；　if　he　were　twice　as
temporising　and　circuitous〃the　word　came　to　her　from　her　talk　with　him
〃would　be　twice　too　good　for　you。　　I'm　going　to　breakfast。〃




XLIV。

The　difficulty　in　life　is　to　bring　experience　to　the　level　of　expectation；
to　match　our　real　emotions　in　view　of　any　great　occasion　with　the　ideal
emotions　which　we　have　taught　ourselves　that　we　ought　to　feel。　　This　is
all　the　truer　when　the　occasion　is　tragical：　we　surprise　ourselves　in　a
helplessness　to　which　the　great　event；　death；　ruin；　lost　love；　reveals
itself　slowly；　and　at　first　wears　the　aspect　of　an　unbroken　continuance　of
what　has　been；　or　at　most　of　another　incident　in　the　habitual　sequence。

Dan　Mavering　came　out　into　the　bright　winter　morning　knowing　that　his
engagement　was　broken；　but　feeling　it　so　little　that　he　could　not　believe
it。　　He　failed　to　realise　it；　to　seize　it　for　a　fact；　and　he　could　not　let
it　remain　that　dumb　and　formless　wretchedness；　without　proportion　or
dimensions；　which　it　now　seemed　to　be；　weighing　his　life　down。　　To　verify
it；　to　begin　to　outlive　it；　he　must　instantly　impart　it；　he　must　tell　it；
he　must　see　it　with　others'　eyes。　　This　was　the　necessity　of　his　youth　and
of　his　sympathy；　which　included　himself　as　well　as　the　rest　of　the　race　in
its　activity。　　He　had　the　usual　environment　of　a　young　man　who　has　money。
He　belonged　to　clubs；　and　he　had　a　large　acquaintance　among　men　of　his　own
age；　who　lived　a　life　of　greater　leisure；　or　were　more　absorbed　in
business；　but　whom　he　met　constantly　in　society。　　For　one　reason　or
another；　or　for　no　other　reason　than　that　he　was　Dan　Mavering　and　liked
every　one；　he　liked　them　all。　　He　thought　himself　great　friends　with　them；
he　dined　and　lunched　with　them；　and　they　knew　the　Pasmers；　and　all　about
his　engagement。　　But　he　did　not　go　to　any　of　them　now；　with　the　need　he
felt　to　impart　his　calamity；　to　get　the　support　of　come　other's　credence
and　opinion　of　it。　　He　went　to　a　friend　whom；　in　the　way　of　his　world；　he
met　very　seldom；　but　whom　he　always　found；　as　he　said；　just　where　he　had
left　him。

Boardman　never　made　any　sign　of　suspecting　that　he　was　put　on　and　off；
according　to　Dan's　necessity　or　desire　for　comfort　or　congratulation；　but
it　was　part　of　their　joke　that　Dan's　coming　to　him　always　meant　something
decisive　in　his　experiences。　　The　reporter　was　at　his　late　breakfast；
which　his　landlady　furnished　him　in　his　room；　though；　as　Mrs。　Mash　said；
she　never　gave　meals；　but　a　cup　of　coffee　and　an　egg　or　two；　yes。

〃Well？〃　he　said；　without　looking　up。

〃Well；　I'm　done　for！〃　cried　Dan。

〃Again？〃　asked　Boardman。

〃Again！　　The　other　time　was　nothing；　BoardmanI　knew　it　wasn't　anything；
but　thisthis　is　final。〃

〃Go　on；〃　said　Boardman；　looking　about　for　his　individual　salt…cellar；
which　he　found　under　the　edge　of　his　plate；　and　Mavering　laid　the　whole
case　before　him。　　As　he　made　no　comment　on　it　for　a　while；　Dan　was　obliged
to　ask　him　what　he　thought　of　it。　　〃Well；〃　he　said；　with　the　smile　that
showed　the　evenness　of　his　pretty　teeth；　〃there's　a　kind　of　wild　justice
in　it。〃　　He　admitted　this；　with　the　object　of　meeting　Dan's　views　in　an
opinion。

〃So　you　think　I'm　a　faithless　man　too；　do　you？〃　demanded　Mavering
stormily。

〃Not　from　your　point　of　view；〃　said　Boardman；　who　kept　on　quietly　eating
and　drinking。

Mavering　was　too　amiable　not　to　feel　Boardman's　innocence　of　offence　in
his　unperturbed　behaviour。　　〃There　was　no　faithlessness　about　it；　and　you
know　it；〃　he　went　on；　half　laughing；　half　crying；　in　his　excitement；　and
making　Boardman　the　avenue　of　an　appeal　really　addressed　to　Alice。　　〃I　was
ready　to　do　what　either　side　decided。〃

〃Or　both；〃　suggested　Boardman。

〃Yes；　or　both；〃　said　Dan；　boldly　accepting　the　suggestion。　　〃It　wouldn't
have　cost　me　a　pang　to　give　up　if　I'd　been　in　the　place　of　either。〃

〃I　guess　that's　what　she　could　never　understand；〃　Boardman　mused　aloud。

〃And　I　could　never　understand　how　any　one　could　fail　to　see　that　that　was
what　I　intendedexpected：　that　it　would　all　come　out　right　of　itself
naturally。〃　　Dan　was　still　addressing　Alice　in　this　belated　reasoning。
〃But　to　be　accused　of　bad　faithof　trying　to　deceive　any　one〃

〃Pretty　rough；〃　said　Boardman。

〃Rough？　　It's　more　than　I　can　stand！〃

〃Well；　you　don't　seem　to　be　asked　to　stand　it；〃　said　Boardman；　and
Mavering　laughed　forlornly　with　him　at　his　joke；　and　then　walked　away　and
looked　out　of　Boardman's　dormer…window　on　the　roofs　below；　with　their
dirty；　smoke…stained　February　snow。　　He　pulled　out　his　handkerchief；　and
wiped　his　face　with　it。　　When　he　turned　round；　Boardman　looked　keenly　at
him；　and　asked；　with　an　air　of　caution；　〃And　so　it's　all　up？〃

〃Yes；　it's　all　up；〃　said　Dan　hoarsely。

〃No　danger　of　a　relapse？〃

〃What　do　you　mean？〃

〃No　danger　of　having　my　sympathy　handed　over　later　to　Miss　Pasmer　for
examination？〃

〃I　guess　you　can　speak　up　freely；　Boardman；〃　said　Dan；　〃if　that's　what　you
mean。　　Miss　Pasmer　and　I　are　quits。〃

〃Well；　then；　I'm　glad　of　it。　　She　wasn't　the　one　for　you。　　She　isn't　fit
for　you。〃

　What's　the　reason　she　isn't？〃　cried　Dan。　　〃She's　the　most　beautiful　and
noble　girl　in　the　world；　and　the　most　conscientious；　and　the　bestif　she
is　unjust　to　me。〃

〃No　doubt　of　that。　　I'm　not　attacking　her；　and　I'm　not　defending　you。〃

〃What　are　you　doing　then？〃〃

〃Simply　saying　that　I　don't　believe　you　two　would　ever　understand　each
other。　　You　haven't　got　the　same　point　of　view；　and　you　couldn't　make　it
go。　　Both　out　of　a　scrape。〃

〃I　don't　know　what　you　mean　by　a　scrape；〃　said　Dan；　resenting　the　word
more　than　the　idea。　　Boardman　tacitly　refused　to　modify　or　withdraw　it；
and　Dan　said；　after　a　sulky　silence；　in　which　he　began　to　dramatise　a
meeting　with　his　family：　〃I'm　going　home；　I　can't　stand　it　here。　　What's
the　reason　you　can't　come　with　me；　Boardman？〃

〃Do　you　mean　to　your　rooms？〃

〃No；　to　the　Falls。〃

〃Thanks。　　Guess　not。〃

〃Why　not？〃

〃Don't　care　about　being　a　fifth　wheel。〃

〃Oh；　pshaw；　now；　Boardman！　　Look　here；　you　must　go。　　I　want　you　to　go。
II　want　your　support。　　That's　it。　　I'm　all　broken　up；　and　I　couldn't
stand　that　three　hours'　pull　alone。　　They'll　be　glad　to　see　youall　of
them。　　Don't　you　suppose　they'll　be　glad　to　see　you？　　They're　always　glad；
and　they'll　understand。〃

〃I　don't　believe　you　want　me　to　go　yourself。　　You　just　think　you　do。〃

〃No。　　I　really　do　want　you；　Boardman。　　I　want　to　talk　it　over　with　you。　　I
do　want　you。　　I'm　not　fooling。〃

〃Don't　think　I　could　get　away。〃　　Yet　he　seemed　to　be　pleased　with　the
notion　of　the　Falls；　it　made　him　smile。

〃Well；　see；〃　said　Mavering　disconsolately。　　〃I'm　going　round　to　my　rooms
now；　and　I'll　be　there　till　two　o'clock；　train's　at　2。30。〃　　He　went
towards　the　door；　where　he　faced　about。　　〃And　you　don't　think　it　would　be
of　any　use？〃

〃Any　usewhat？〃

〃Trying　tototo　make　it　up。〃

〃How　should　I　know？〃

〃No；　no；　of　course　you　couldn't；〃　said　Dan；　miserably　downcast。　　All　the
resentment　which　Alice's　injustice　had　roused　in　him　had　died　out；　he　was
suffering　as　helplessly　and　hopelessly　as　a　child。　　〃Well；〃　he　sighed；　as
he　swung　out　of　the　door。

Boardman　found　him　seated　at　his　writing…desk　in　his　smoking…jacket　when
he　came　to　him；　rather　early；　and　on　the　desk　were　laid　out　the　properties
of　the　little　play　which　had　come　to　a　tragic　close。　　There　were　some
small　bits　of　jewellery；　among　the　rest　a　ring　of　hers　which　Alice　had
been　letting　him　wear；　a　lock　of　her　hair　which　he　had　kept；　for　the
greater　convenience　of　kissing；　in　the　original　parcel；　tied　with　crimson
ribbon；　a　succession　of　flowers　which　she　had　worn；　more　and　more　dry　and
brown　with　age；　one　of　her　gloves；　which　he　had　found　and　kept　from　the
day　they　first　met　in　Cambridge；　a　bunch　of　withered　bluebells　tied　with
sweet…grass；　whose　odour　filled　the　room；　from　the　picnic　at　Campobello；
scraps　of　paper　with　her　writing　on　them；　and　cards；　several　photographs
of　her；　and　piles　of　notes　and　letters。

〃Look　here；〃　said　Dan；　knowing　it　was　Boardman　without　turning　round；
〃what　am　I　to　do　about　these　things？〃

Boardman　respectfully　examined　them　over　his　shoulder。　　〃Don't　know　what
the　usual　ceremony　is；〃　he　said；　he　ventured　to　add；　referring　to　the
heaps　of　letters；　〃Seems　to　have　been　rather　epistolary；　doesn't　she？〃

〃Oh；　don't　talk　of　her　as　if　she　were　dead！〃　cried　Dan。　　〃I've　been
feeling　as　if　she　were。〃　　All　at　once　he　dropped　his　head　among　these
witnesses　of　his　loss；　and　sobbed。

Boardman　appeared　shocked；　and　yet　somewhat　amused；　he　made　a　soft　low
sibilation　between　his　teeth。

Dan　lifted　his　head。　　〃Boardman；　if　you　ever　give　me　away！〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　suppose　it's　very　hilarious；〃　said　Boardman；　with　vague
kindness。　　〃Packed　yet？〃　he　asked；　getting　away　from　the　subject　as
something　he　did　not　feel　himself　fitted　to　deal　with　consecutively。

〃I'm　only　going　to　take　a　bag；〃　said　Mavering；　going　to　get　some　clothes
down　from　a　closet　where　his　words　had　a　sepulchral　reverberation。

〃Can't　I　help？〃　asked　Boardman；　keeping　away　from　the　sad　memorials　of
Dan's　love　strewn　about　on　the　desk；　and　yet　not　able　to