the red cross girl-第21章

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a　drowning　man　myself！〃

Helen　shook　her　head　firmly　and　reprovingly。　〃Men　get　over　THAT
kind　of　drowning；〃　she　said。

〃Not　THIS　kind　of　man　doesn't！〃　said　Latimer。　〃And　don't　tell
me；〃　he　cried　indignantly；　〃that　that's　ANOTHER　thing　they　all
say。〃

〃If　one　could　only　be　sure！〃　sighed　Helen。　〃If　one　could　only　be
sure　that　youthat　the　right　man　would　keep　on　caring　after　you
marry　him　the　way　he　says　he　cares　before　you　marry　him。　If　you
could　know　that；　it　would　help　you　a　lot　in　making　up　your　mind。〃

〃There　is　only　one　way　to　find　that　out；〃　said　Latimer；　〃that　is
to　marry　him。　I　mean；　of　course；〃　he　corrected　hastily；　〃to　marry
me。〃

One　day；　when　on　their　way　to　the　cliff　at　the　end　of　the　wood
road；　the　man　who　makes　the　Nantucket　sailor　and　peddles　him
passed　through　the　village；　and　Latimer　bought　the　sailorman　and
carried　him　to　their　hiding…place。　There　he　fastened　him　to　the
lowest　limb　of　one　of　the　ancient　pine…trees　that　helped　to
screen　their　hiding…place　from　the　world。　The　limb　reached　out
free　of　the　other　branches；　and　the　wind　caught　the　sailorman
fairly　and　spun　him　like　a　dancing　dervish。　Then　it　tired　of　him；
and　went　off　to　try　to　drown　the　Chapman　boy；　leaving　the
sailorman　motionless　with　his　arms　outstretched；　balancing　in
each　hand　a　tiny　oar　and　smiling　happily。

〃He　has　a　friendly　smile；〃　said　Helen；　〃I　think　he　likes　us。〃

〃He　is　on　guard；〃　Latimer　explained。　〃I　put　him　there　to　warn　us
if　any　one　approaches；　and　when　we　are　not　here；　he　is　to
frighten　away　trespassers。　Do　you　understand？〃　he　demanded　of　the
sailorman。　〃Your　duty　is　to　protect　this　beautiful　lady。　So　long
as　I　love　her　you　must　guard　this　place。　It　is　a　life　sentence。
You　are　always　on　watch。　You　never　sleep。　You　are　her　slave。　She
says　you　have　a　friendly　smile。　She　wrongs　you。　It　is　a
beseeching；　abject；　worshipping　smile。　I　am　sure　when　I　look　at
her　mine　is　equally　idiotic。　In　fact；　we　are　in　many　ways　alike。
I　also　am　her　slave。　I　also　am　devoted　only　to　her　service。　And　I
never　sleep；　at　least　not　since　I　met　her。〃

From　her　throne　among　the　pine　needles　Helen　looked　up　at　the
sailorman　and　frowned。

〃It　is　not　a　happy　simile；〃　she　objected。　〃For　one　thing；　a
sailorman　has　a　sweetheart　in　every　port。〃

〃Wait　and　see；〃　said　Latimer。

〃And；〃　continued　the　girl　with　some　asperity；　〃if　there　is
anything　on　earth　that　changes　its　mind　as　often　as　a
weather…vane；　that　is　less　CERTAIN；　less　CONSTANT〃

〃Constant？〃　Latimer　laughed　at　her　in　open　scorn。　〃You　come　back
here；〃　he　challenged；　〃months　from　now；　years　from　now；　when　the
winds　have　beaten　him；　and　the　sun　blistered　him；　and　the　snow
frozen　him；　and　you　will　find　him　smiling　at　you　just　as　he　is
now；　just　as　confidently；　proudly；　joyously；　devotedly。　Because
those　who　are　your　slaves；　those　who　love　YOU；　cannot　come　to　any
harm；　only　if　you　disown　them；　only　if　you　drive　them　away！

The　sailorman；　delighted　at　such　beautiful　language；　threw
himself　about　in　a　delirium　of　joy。　His　arms　spun　in　their
sockets　like　Indian　clubs；　his　oars　flashed　in　the　sun；　and　his
eyes　and　lips　were　fixed　in　one　blissful；　long…drawn…out；
unalterable　smile。

When　the　golden…rod　turned　gray；　and　the　leaves　red　and　yellow；
and　it　was　time　for　Latimer　to　return　to　his　work　in　the　West；　he
came　to　say　good…by。　But　the　best　Helen　could　do　to　keep　hope
alive　in　him　was　to　say　that　she　was　glad　he　cared。　She　added　it
was　very　helpful　to　think　that　a　man　such　as　he　believed　you　were
so　fine　a　person；　and　during　the　coming　winter　she　would　try　to
be　like　the　fine　person　he　believed　her　to　be；　but　which；　she
assured　him；　she　was　not。

Then　he　told　her　again　she　was　the　most　wonderful　being　in　the
world；　to　which　she　said：　〃Oh；　indeed　no！〃　and　then；　as　though　he
were　giving　her　a　cue；　he　said：　〃Good…by！〃　But　she　did　not　take
up　his　cue；　and　they　shook　hands。　He　waited；　hardly　daring　to
breathe。

〃Surely；　now　that　the　parting　has　come；〃　he　assured　himself；　〃she
will　make　some　sign；　she　will　give　me　a　word；　a　look　that　will
write　'total'　under　the　hours　we　have　spent　together；　that　will
help　to　carry　me　through　the　long　winter。〃

But　he　held　her　hand　so　long　and　looked　at　her　so　hungrily　that
he　really　forced　her　to　say：　〃Don't　miss　your　train；〃　which　kind
consideration　for　his　comfort　did　not　delight　him　as　it　should。
Nor；　indeed；　later　did　she　herself　recall　the　remark　with
satisfaction。

With　Latimer　out　of　the　way　the　other　two　hundred　and　forty…nine
suitor　attacked　with　renewed　hope。　Among　other　advantages　they
had　over　Latimer　was　that　they　were　on　the　ground。　They　saw　Helen
daily；　at　dinners；　dances；　at　the　country　clubs；　in　her　own
drawing…room。　Like　any　sailor　from　the　Charlestown　Navy　Yard　and
his　sweetheart；　they　could　walk　beside　her　in　the　park　and　throw
peanuts　to　the　pigeons；　and　scratch　dates　and　initials　on　the
green　benches；　they　could　walk　with　her　up　one　side　of
Commonwealth　Avenue　and　down　the　south　bank　of　the　Charles；　when
the　sun　was　gilding　the　dome　of　the　State　House；　when　the　bridges
were　beginning　to　deck　themselves　with　necklaces　of　lights。　They
had　known　her　since　they　wore　knickerbockers；　and　they　shared
many　interests　and　friends　in　common；　they　talked　the　same
language。　Latimer　could　talk　to　her　only　in　letters；　for　with　her
he　shared　no　friends　or　interests；　and　he　was　forced　to　choose
between　telling　her　of　his　lawsuits　and　his　efforts　in　politics
or　of　his　love。　To　write　to　her　of　his　affairs　seemed　wasteful
and　impertinent；　and　of　his　love　for　her；　after　she　had　received
what　he　told　of　it　in　silence；　he　was　too　proud　to　speak。　So　he
wrote　but　seldom；　and　then　only　to　say：　〃You　know　what　I　send
you。〃　Had　he　known　it；　his　best　letters　were　those　he　did　not
send。　When　in　the　morning　mail　Helen　found　his　familiar
handwriting；　that　seemed　to　stand　out　like　the　face　of　a　friend
in　a　crowd；　she　would　pounce　upon　the　letter；　read　it；　and；
assured　of　his　love；　would　go　on　her　way　rejoicing。　But　when　in
the　morning　there　was　no　letter；　she　wondered　why；　and　all　day
she　wondered　why。　And　the　next　morning　when　again　she　was
disappointed；　her　thoughts　of　Latimer　and　her　doubts　and
speculations　concerning　him　shut　out　every　other　interest。　He
became　a　perplexing；　insistent　problem。　He　was　never　out　of　her
mind。　And　then　he　would　spoil　it　all　by　writing　her　that　he　loved
her　and　that　of　all　the　women　in　the　world　she　was　the　only　one。
And；　reassured　upon　that　point；　Helen　happily　and　promptly　would
forget　all　about　him。

But　when　she　remembered　him；　although　months　had　passed　since　she
had　seen　him；　she　remembered　him　much　more　distinctly；　much　more
gratefully；　than　that　one　of　the　two　hundred　and　fifty　with　whom
she　had　walked　that　same　afternoon。　Latimer　could　not　know　it；
but　of　that　anxious　multitude　he　was　first；　and　there　was　no
second。　At　least　Helen　hoped；　when　she　was　ready　to　marry；　she
would　love　Latimer　enough　to　want　to　marry　him。　But　as　yet　she
assured　herself　she　did　not　want　to　marry　any　one。　As　she　was；
life　was　very　satisfactory。　Everybody　loved　her；　everybody
invited　her　to　be　of　his　party；　or　invited　himself　to　join　hers；
and　the　object　of　each　seemed　to　be　to　see　that　she　enjoyed　every
hour　of　every　day。　Her　nature　was　such　that　to　make　her　happy　was
not　difficult。　Some　of　her　devotees　could　do　it　by　giving　her　a
dance　and　letting　her　invite　half　of　Boston；　and　her　kid　brother
could　do　it　by　taking　her　to　Cambridge　to　watch　the　team　at
practice。

She　thought　she　was　happy　because　she　was　free。　As　a　matter　of
fact；　she　was　happy　because　she　loved　some　one　and　that
particular　some　one　loved　her。　Her　being　〃free〃　was　only　her
mistaken　way　of　putting　it。　Had　she　thought　she　had　lost　Latimer
and　his　love；　she　would　have　discovered　that；　so　far　from　being
free；　she　was　bound　hand　and　foot　and　heart　and　soul。

But　she　did　not　know　that；　and　Latimer　did　not　know　that。

Meanwhile；　from　the　branch　of　the　tree　in　the　sheltered；　secret
hiding…place　that　overlooked　the　ocean；　the　sailorman　kept　watch。
The　sun　had　blistered　him；　the　storms　had　buffeted　him；　the　snow
had　frozen　upon　his　shoulders。　But　his　loyalty　never　relaxed。　He
spun　to　the　north；　he　spun　to　the　south；　and　so　rapidly　did　he
scan　the　surrounding　landscape　that　no　one　could　hope　to　creep
upon　him　unawares。　Nor；　indeed；　did　any　one　attempt　to　do　so。
Once　a　fox　stole　into　the　secret　hiding…place；　but　the　sailorman
flapped　his　oars　and　frightened　him　away。　He　was　always
triumphant。　To　birds；　to　squirrels；　to　trespassing　rabbits　he　was
a　thing　of　terror。　Once；　when　the　air　was　still；　an　impertinent
crow　perched　on　the　very　limb　on　which　he　stood；　and　with
scornful；　disapproving　eyes　surveyed　his　white　trousers；　his　blue
reefer；　his　red　cheeks。　But　when　the　wind　suddenly　drove　past
them　the　sailorman　sprang　into　action　and　the　crow　screamed　in
alarm　and　darted　away。　So；　alone　and　with　no　one　to　come　to　his
relief；　the　sailorman　stood　his　watch。　About　him　the　branches
bent　with　the　snow；　the　icicles　froze　him　into　immobility；　and　in
the　tree…tops　strange　groanings　filled　him　with　alarms。　But
undaunted；　month　after　month；　alert　and　smiling；　he　waited　the
return　of　the　beautiful　lady　and　of　the　tall　young　man　who　had
devoured　her　with　such　beseeching；　unhappy　eyes。

Latimer　found　that　to　love　a　woman　like　Helen　Page　as　he　loved
her　was　the　best　thing　that　could　come　into　his　life。　But　to　sit
down　and　lament　over　the　fact　that　she　did　not　love　him　did　not；
to　use　his　favorite　expression；　〃tend　toward　efficiency。〃　He
removed　from　his　sight　the　three　pictures　of　her　he　had　cut　from
illustrated　papers；　and　ceased　to　write　to　her。

In　his　last　letter　he　said：　〃I　have　told　you　how　it　is；　and　that
is　how　it　is　always　going　to　be。　There　never　has　been；　there
never　can　be　any　one　but　you。　But　my　love　is　too　precious；　too
sacred　to　be　brought　out　every　week　in　a　letter　and　dangled
before　your　eyes　like　an　advertisement　of　a　motor…car。　It　is　too
wonderful　a　thing　to　be　cheapened；　to　be　subjected　to　slights　and
silence。　If　ever　you　should　want　it；　it　is　yours。　It　is　here
waiting。　But　you　must　tell　me　so。　I　have　done　everything　a　man
can　do　to　make　you　understand。　But　you　do　not　want　me　or　my　love。
And　my　love　says　to　me：　'Don't　send　me　there　again　to　have　the
door　shut　in　my　face。　Keep　me　with　you　to　be　your　inspiration；　to
help　you　to　live　worthily。'　And　so　it　shall　be。〃

When　Helen　read　that　letter　she　did　not　know　what　to　do。　She　did
not　know　how　to　answer　it。　Her　first　impression　was　that　suddenly
she　had　grown　very　old；　and　that　some　one　had　turned　off　the　sun；
and　that　in　consequence　the　world　had　naturally　grown　cold　and
dark。　She　could　not　see　why　the　two　hundred　and　forty…nine
expected　her　to　keep　on　doing　exactly　the　same　things　she　had
been　doing　with　delight　for　six　months；　and　indeed　for　the　last
six　years。　Why　could　they　not　see　that　no　longer　was　there　any
pleasure　in　them？　She　would　have　written　and　told　Latimer　that
she　found　she　loved　him　very　dearly　if　in　her　mind　there　had　not
arisen　a　fearful　doubt。　Suppose　his　letter　was　not　quite　honest？
He　said　that　he　would　always　love　her；　but　how　could　she　now　know
that？　Why　might　n