beasts and superbeasts-第29章

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vicar's　wife；　〃and　not　at　all　the　mouse…in…the…back…

ground　sort　of　person　that　governesses　are　usually　

supposed　to　be。　　In　fact；　next　to　Teresa；　she's　about　the　

most　assertive　and　combative　personality　in　the　

neighbourhood。　　She's　pointed　out　to　my　husband　all　sorts　

of　errors　in　his　sermons；　and　she　gave　Sir　Laurence　a　

public　lecture　on　how　he　ought　to　handle　the　hounds。　　You　

know　how　sensitive　Sir　Laurence　is　about　any　criticism　of　

his　Mastership；　and　to　have　a　governess　laying　down　the　

law　to　him　nearly　drove　him　into　a　fit。　　She's　behaved　

like　that　to　every　one；　except；　of　course；　Teresa；　and　

every　one　has　been　defensively　rude　to　her　in　return。　　

The　Bickelbys　are　simply　too　afraid　of　her　to　get　rid　of　

her。　　Now　isn't　that　exactly　the　sort　of　woman　whom　

Teresa　would　take　a　delight　in　installing　as　her　

successor？　　Imagine　the　discomfort　and　awkwardness　in　the　

county　if　we　suddenly　found　that　she　was　to　be　the　future　

hostess　at　the　Hall。　　Teresa's　only　regret　will　be　that　

she　won't　be　alive　to　see　it。〃



〃But；〃　objected　Mrs。　Yonelet；　〃surely　Bertie　hasn't　

shown　the　least　sign　of　being　attracted　in　that　quarter？〃



〃Oh；　she's　quite　nice…looking　in　a　way；　and　dresses　

well；　and　plays　a　good　game　of　tennis。　　She　often　comes　

across　the　park　with　messages　from　the　Bickelby　mansion；　

and　one　of　these　days　Bertie　will　rescue　her　from　the　

elk；　which　has　become　almost　a　habit　with　him；　and　Teresa　

will　say　that　Fate　has　consecrated　them　to　one　another。　　

Bertie　might　not　be　disposed　to　pay　much　attention　to　the　

consecrations　of　Fate；　but　he　would　not　dream　of　opposing　

his　grandmother。〃



The　vicar's　wife　spoke　with　the　quiet　authority　of　

one　who　has　intuitive　knowledge；　and　in　her　heart　of　

hearts　Mrs。　Yonelet　believed　her。



Six　months　later　the　elk　had　to　be　destroyed。　　In　a　

fit　of　exceptional　moroseness　it　had　killed　the　

Bickelbys'　German　governess。　　It　was　an　irony　of　its　fate　

that　it　should　achieve　popularity　in　the　last　moments　of　

its　career；　at　any　rate；　it　established；　the　record　of　

being　the　only　living　thing　that　had　permanently　thwarted　

Teresa　Thropplestance's　plans。



Dora　Yonelet　broke　off　her　engagement　with　an　Indian　

civilian；　and　married　Bertie　three　months　after　his　

grandmother's　death　…　Teresa　did　not　long　survive　the　

German　governess　fiasco。　　At　Christmas　time　every　year　

young　Mrs。　Thropplestance　hangs　an　extra　large　festoon　of　

evergreens　on　the　elk　horns　that　decorate　the　hall。



〃It　was　a　fearsome　beast；〃　she　observes　to　Bertie；　

〃but　I　always　feel　that　it　was　instrumental　in　bringing　

us　together。〃



Which；　of　course；　was　true。





〃DOWN　PENS〃





〃HAVE　you　written　to　thank　the　Froplinsons　for　what　

they　sent　us？〃　asked　Egbert。



〃No；〃　said　Janetta；　with　a　note　of　tired　defiance　in　

her　voice；　〃I've　written　eleven　letters　to…day　expressing　

surprise　and　gratitude　for　sundry　unmerited　gifts；　but　I　

haven't　written　to　the　Froplinsons。〃



〃Some　one　will　have　to　write　to　them；〃　said　Egbert。



〃I　don't　dispute　the　necessity；　but　I　don't　think　

the　some　one　should　be　me；〃　said　Janetta。　　〃I　wouldn't　

mind　writing　a　letter　of　angry　recrimination　or　heartless　

satire　to　some　suitable　recipient；　in　fact；　I　should　

rather　enjoy　it；　but　I've　come　to　the　end　of　my　capacity　

for　expressing　servile　amiability。　　Eleven　letters　to…day　

and　nine　yesterday；　all　couched　in　the　same　strain　of　

ecstatic　thankfulness：　really；　you　can't　expect　me　to　sit　

down　to　another。　　There　is　such　a　thing　as　writing　

oneself　out。〃



〃I've　written　nearly　as　many；〃　said　Egbert；　〃and　

I've　had　my　usual　business　correspondence　to　get　through；　

too。　　Besides；　I　don't　know　what　it　was　that　the　

Froplinsons　sent　us。〃



〃A　William　the　Conqueror　calendar；〃　said　Janetta；　

〃with　a　quotation　of　one　of　his　great　thoughts　for　every　

day　in　the　year。〃



〃Impossible；〃　said　Egbert；　〃he　didn't　have　three　

hundred　and　sixty…five　thoughts　in　the　whole　of　his　life；　

or；　if　he　did；　he　kept　them　to　himself。　　He　was　a　man　of　

action；　not　of　introspection。〃



〃Well；　it　was　William　Wordsworth；　then；〃　said　

Janetta；　〃I　know　William　came　into　it　somewhere。〃



〃That　sounds　more　probable；〃　said　Egbert；　〃well；　

let's　collaborate　on　this　letter　of　thanks　and　get　it　

done。　　I'll　dictate；　and　you　can　scribble　it　down。　　'Dear　

Mrs。　Froplinson　…　thank　you　and　your　husband　so　much　for　

the　very　pretty　calendar　you　sent　us。　　It　was　very　good　

of　you　to　think　of　us。'　〃



〃You　can't　possibly　say　that；〃　said　Janetta；　laying　

down　her　pen。



〃It's　what　I　always　do　say；　and　what　every　one　says　

to　me；〃　protested　Egbert。



〃We　sent　them　something　on　the　twenty…second；〃　said　

Janetta；　〃so　they　simply　HAD　to　think　of　us。　　There　was　

no　getting　away　from　it。〃



〃What　did　we　send　them？〃　asked　Egbert　gloomily。



〃Bridge…markers；〃　said　Janetta；　〃in　a　cardboard　

case；　with　some　inanity　about　'digging　for　fortune　with　a　

royal　spade'　emblazoned　on　the　cover。　　The　moment　I　saw　

it　in　the　shop　I　said　to　myself　'Froplinsons'　and　to　the　

attendant　'How　much？'　　When　he　said　'Ninepence；'　I　gave　

him　their　address；　jabbed　our　card　in；　paid　tenpence　or　

elevenpence　to　cover　the　postage；　and　thanked　heaven。　　

With　less　sincerity　and　infinitely　more　trouble　they　

eventually　thanked　me。〃



〃The　Froplinsons　don't　play　bridge；〃　said　Egbert。



〃One　is　not　supposed　to　notice　social　deformities　of　

that　sort；〃　said　Janetta；　〃it　wouldn't　be　polite。　　

Besides；　what　trouble　did　they　take　to　find　out　whether　

we　read　Wordsworth　with　gladness？　　　For　all　they　knew　or　

cared　we　might　be　frantically　embedded　in　the　belief　that　

all　poetry　begins　and　ends　with　John　Masefield；　and　it　

might　infuriate　or　depress　us　to　have　a　daily　sample　of　

Wordsworthian　products　flung　at　us。〃



〃Well；　let's　get　on　with　the　letter　of　thanks；〃　said　

Egbert。



〃Proceed；〃　said　Janetta。



〃　'How　clever　of　you　to　guess　that　Wordsworth　is　our　

favourite　poet；'　〃　dictated　Egbert。



Again　Janetta　laid　down　her　pen。



〃Do　you　realise　what　that　means？〃　she　asked；　〃a　

Wordsworth　booklet　next　Christmas；　and　another　calendar　

the　Christmas　after；　with　the　same　problem　of　having　to　

write　suitable　letters　of　thankfulness。　　No；　the　best　

thing　to　do　is　to　drop　all　further　allusion　to　the　

calendar　and　switch　off　on　to　some　other　topic。〃



〃But　what　other　topic？〃



〃Oh；　something　like　this：　'What　do　you　think　of　the　

New　Year　Honours　List？　　A　friend　of　ours　made　such　a　

clever　remark　when　he　read　it。'　　Then　you　can　stick　in　

any　remark　that　comes　into　your　head；　it　needn't　be　

clever。　　The　Froplinsons　won't　know　whether　it　is　or　

isn't。〃



〃We　don't　even　know　on　which　side　they　are　in　

politics；〃　objected　Egbert；　〃and　anyhow　you　can't　

suddenly　dismiss　the　subject　of　the　calendar。　　Surely　

there　must　be　some　intelligent　remark　that　can　be　made　

about　it。〃



〃Well；　we　can't　think　of　one；〃　said　Janetta　wearily；　

〃the　fact　is；　we've　both　written　ourselves　out。　　Heavens！　　

I've　just　remembered　Mrs。　Stephen　Ludberry。　　I　haven't　

thanked　her　for　what　she　sent。〃



〃What　did　she　send？〃



〃I　forget；　I　think　it　was　a　calendar。〃



There　was　a　long　silence；　the　forlorn　silence　of　

those　who　are　bereft　of　hope　and　have　almost　ceased　to　

care。



Presently　Egbert　started　from　his　seat　with　an　air　

of　resolution。　　The　light　of　battle　was　in　his　eyes。



〃Let　me　come　to　the　writing…table；〃　he　exclaimed。



〃Gladly；〃　said　Janetta。　　〃Are　you　going　to　write　to　

Mrs。　Ludberry　or　the　Froplinsons？〃



〃To　neither；〃　said　Egbert；　drawing　a　stack　of　

notepaper　towards　him；　〃I'm　going　to　write　to　the　editor　

of　every　enlightened　and　influential　newspaper　in　the　

Kingdom；　I'm　going　to　suggest　that　there　should　be　a　sort　

of　epistolary　Truce　of　God　during　the　festivities　of　

Christmas　and　New　Year。　　From　the　twenty…fourth　of　

December　to　the　third　or　fourth　of　January　it　shall　be　

considered　an　offence　against　good　sense　and　good　feeling　

to　write　or　expect　any　letter　or　communication　that　does　

not　deal　with　the　necessary　events　of　the　moment。　　

Answers　to　invitations；　arrangements　about　trains；　

renewal　of　club　subscriptions；　and；　of　course；　all　the　

ordinary　everyday　affairs　of　business；　sickness；　engaging　

new　cooks；　and　so　forth；　these　will　be　dealt　with　in　the　

usual　manner　as　something　inevitable；　a　legitimate　part　

of　our　daily　life。　　But　all　the　devastating　accretions　of　

correspondence；　incident　to　the　festive　season；　these　

should　be　swept　away　to　give　the　season　a　chance　of　being　

really　festive；　a　time　of　untroubled；　unpunctuated　peace　

and　good　will。〃



〃But　you　would　have　to　make　some　acknowledgment　of　

presents　received；〃　objected　Janetta；　〃otherwise　people　

would　never　know　whether　they　had　arrived　safely。〃



〃Of　course；　I　have　thought　of　that；〃　said　Egbert；　

〃every　present　that　was　sent　off　would　be　accompanied　by　

a　ticket　bearing　the　date　of　dispatch　and　the　signature　

of　the　sender；　and　some　conventional　hieroglyphic　to　show　

that　it　was　intended　to　be　a　Christmas　or　New　Year　gift；　

there　would　be　a　counterfoil　with　space　for　the　

recipient's　name　and　the　date　of　arrival；　and　all　you　

would　have　to　do　would　be　to　sign　and　date　the　

counterfoil；　add　a　conventional　hieroglyphic　indicating　

heartfelt　thanks　and　gratified　surprise；　put　the　thing　

into　an　envelope　and　post　it。〃



〃It　sounds　delightfully　simple；〃　said　Janetta　

wistfully；　〃but　people　would　consider　it　too　cut…and…

dried；　too　perfunctory。〃



〃It　is　not　a　bit　more　perfunctory　than　the　present　

system；〃　said　Egbert；　〃I　have　only　the　same　conventional　

language　of　gratitude　at　my　disposal　with　which　to　thank　

dear　old　Colonel　Chuttle　for　his　perfectly　delicious　

Stilton；　which　we　shall　devour　to　the　last　morsel；　and　

the　Froplinsons　for　their　calendar；　which　we　shall　never　

look　at。　　Colonel　Chuttle　knows　that　we　are　grateful　for　

the　Stilton；　without　having　to　be　told　so；　and　the　

Froplinsons　know　that　we　are　bored　with　their　calendar；　

whatever　we　may　say　to　the　contrary；　just　as　we　know　that　

they　are　bored　with　the　bridge…markers　in　spite　of　their　

written　assurance　that　they　thanked　us　for　our　charming　

little　gift。　　What　is　more；　the　Colonel　knows　that　even　

if　we　had　taken　a　sudden　aversion　to　Stilton　or　been　

forbidden　it　by　the　doctor；　we　should　still　have　written　

a　letter　of　hearty　thanks　around　it。　　So　you　see　the　

present　system　of　acknowledgment　is　just　as　perfunctory　

and　conventional　as　the　counterfoil　business　would　be；　

only　ten　times　more　tiresome　and　brain…racking。〃



〃Your　plan　would　certainly　bring　the　ideal　of　a　

Happy　Christmas　a　step　nearer　realisation；〃　said　Janetta。



〃There　are　exceptions；　of　course；〃　said　Egbert；　

〃people　who　really　try　to　infuse　a　breath