idle thoughts of an idle fellow-第12章

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etch　out　our　arms　and　gather　all　the　toiling　men　and　women　and　the　little　children　to　our　breast　and　love　them　allall。　　Ah！　they　were　grand　days；　those　deep；　full　days；　when　our　coming　life；　like　an　unseen　organ；　pealed　strange；　yearnful　music　in　our　ears；　and　our　young　blood　cried　out　like　a　war…horse　for　the　battle。　　Ah；　our　pulse　beats　slow　and　steady　now；　and　our　old　joints　are　rheumatic；　and　we　love　our　easy…chair　and　pipe　and　sneer　at　boys'　enthusiasm。　　But　oh　for　one　brief　moment　of　that　god…like　life　again！



ON　BEING　SHY。

All　great　literary　men　are　shy。　　I　am　myself；　though　I　am　told　it　is　hardly　noticeable。

I　am　glad　it　is　not。　　It　used　to　be　extremely　prominent　at　one　time；　and　was　the　cause　of　much　misery　to　myself　and　discomfort　to　every　one　about　memy　lady　friends　especially　complained　most　bitterly　about　it。

A　shy　man's　lot　is　not　a　happy　one。　　The　men　dislike　him；　the　women　despise　him；　and　he　dislikes　and　despises　himself。　　Use　brings　him　no　relief；　and　there　is　no　cure　for　him　except　time；　though　I　once　came　across　a　delicious　recipe　for　overcoming　the　misfortune。　　It　appeared　among　the　〃answers　to　correspondents〃　in　a　small　weekly　journal　and　ran　as　followsI　have　never　forgotten　it：　　〃Adopt　an　easy　and　pleasing　manner；　especially　toward　ladies。〃

Poor　wretch！　　I　can　imagine　the　grin　with　which　he　must　have　read　that　advice。　　〃Adopt　an　easy　and　pleasing　manner；　especially　toward　ladies；〃　forsooth！　　Don't　you　adopt　anything　of　the　kind；　my　dear　young　shy　friend。　　Your　attempt　to　put　on　any　other　disposition　than　your　own　will　infallibly　result　in　your　becoming　ridiculously　gushing　and　offensively　familiar。　　Be　your　own　natural　self；　and　then　you　will　only　be　thought　to　be　surly　and　stupid。

The　shy　man　does　have　some　slight　revenge　upon　society　for　the　torture　it　inflicts　upon　him。　　He　is　able；　to　a　certain　extent；　to　communicate　his　misery。　　He　frightens　other　people　as　much　as　they　frighten　him。　He　acts　like　a　damper　upon　the　whole　room；　and　the　most　jovial　spirits　become　in　his　presence　depressed　and　nervous。

This　is　a　good　deal　brought　about　by　misunderstanding。　　Many　people　mistake　the　shy　man's　timidity　for　overbearing　arrogance　and　are　awed　and　insulted　by　it。　　His　awkwardness　is　resented　as　insolent　carelessness；　and　when；　terror…stricken　at　the　first　word　addressed　to　him；　the　blood　rushes　to　his　head　and　the　power　of　speech　completely　fails　him；　he　is　regarded　as　an　awful　example　of　the　evil　effects　of　giving　way　to　passion。

But；　indeed；　to　be　misunderstood　is　the　shy　man's　fate　on　every　occasion；　and　whatever　impression　he　endeavors　to　create；　he　is　sure　to　convey　its　opposite。　　When　he　makes　a　joke；　it　is　looked　upon　as　a　pretended　relation　of　fact　and　his　want　of　veracity　much　condemned。　His　sarcasm　is　accepted　as　his　literal　opinion　and　gains　for　him　the　reputation　of　being　an　ass；　while　if；　on　the　other　hand；　wishing　to　ingratiate　himself；　he　ventures　upon　a　little　bit　of　flattery；　it　is　taken　for　satire　and　he　is　hated　ever　afterward。

These　and　the　rest　of　a　shy　man's　troubles　are　always　very　amusing　to　other　people；　and　have　afforded　material　for　comic　writing　from　time　immemorial。　　But　if　we　look　a　little　deeper　we　shall　find　there　is　a　pathetic；　one　might　almost　say　a　tragic；　side　to　the　picture。　　A　shy　man　means　a　lonely　mana　man　cut　off　from　all　companionship；　all　sociability。　　He　moves　about　the　world；　but　does　not　mix　with　it。　Between　him　and　his　fellow…men　there　runs　ever　an　impassable　barriera　strong；　invisible　wall　that；　trying　in　vain　to　scale；　he　but　bruises　himself　against。　　He　sees　the　pleasant　faces　and　hears　the　pleasant　voices　on　the　other　side；　but　he　cannot　stretch　his　hand　across　to　grasp　another　hand。　　He　stands　watching　the　merry　groups；　and　he　longs　to　speak　and　to　claim　kindred　with　them。　　But　they　pass　him　by；　chatting　gayly　to　one　another；　and　he　cannot　stay　them。　　He　tries　to　reach　them；　but　his　prison　walls　move　with　him　and　hem　him　in　on　every　side。　　In　the　busy　street；　in　the　crowded　room；　in　the　grind　of　work；　in　the　whirl　of　pleasure；　amid　the　many　or　amid　the　fewwherever　men　congregate　together；　wherever　the　music　of　human　speech　is　heard　and　human　thought　is　flashed　from　human　eyes；　there；　shunned　and　solitary；　the　shy　man；　like　a　leper；　stands　apart。　　His　soul　is　full　of　love　and　longing；　but　the　world　knows　it　not。　　The　iron　mask　of　shyness　is　riveted　before　his　face；　and　the　man　beneath　is　never　seen。　　Genial　words　and　hearty　greetings　are　ever　rising　to　his　lips；　but　they　die　away　in　unheard　whispers　behind　the　steel　clamps。　　His　heart　aches　for　the　weary　brother；　but　his　sympathy　is　dumb。　　Contempt　and　indignation　against　wrong　choke　up　his　throat；　and　finding　no　safety…valve　whence　in　passionate　utterance　they　may　burst　forth；　they　only　turn　in　again　and　harm　him。　　All　the　hate　and　scorn　and　love　of　a　deep　nature　such　as　the　shy　man　is　ever　cursed　by　fester　and　corrupt　within；　instead　of　spending　themselves　abroad；　and　sour　him　into　a　misanthrope　and　cynic。

Yes；　shy　men；　like　ugly　women；　have　a　bad　time　of　it　in　this　world；　to　go　through　which　with　any　comfort　needs　the　hide　of　a　rhinoceros。　Thick　skin　is；　indeed；　our　moral　clothes；　and　without　it　we　are　not　fit　to　be　seen　about　in　civilized　society。　　A　poor　gasping；　blushing　creature；　with　trembling　knees　and　twitching　hands；　is　a　painful　sight　to　every　one；　and　if　it　cannot　cure　itself；　the　sooner　it　goes　and　hangs　itself　the　better。

The　disease　can　be　cured。　　For　the　comfort　of　the　shy；　I　can　assure　them　of　that　from　personal　experience。　　I　do　not　like　speaking　about　myself；　as　may　have　been　noticed；　but　in　the　cause　of　humanity　I　on　this　occasion　will　do　so；　and　will　confess　that　at　one　time　I　was；　as　the　young　man　in　the　Bab　Ballad　says；　〃the　shyest　of　the　shy；〃　and　〃whenever　I　was　introduced　to　any　pretty　maid；　my　knees　they　knocked　together　just　as　if　I　was　afraid。〃　　Now；　I　wouldnay；　haveon　this　very　day　before　yesterday　I　did　the　deed。　　Alone　and　entirely　by　myself　（as　the　school…boy　said　in　translating　the　〃Bellum　Gallicum〃）　did　I　beard　a　railway　refreshment…room　young　lady　in　her　own　lair。　　I　rebuked　her　in　terms　of　mingled　bitterness　and　sorrow　for　her　callousness　and　want　of　condescension。　　I　insisted；　courteously　but　firmly；　on　being　accorded　that　deference　and　attention　that　was　the　right　of　the　traveling　Briton；　and　at　the　end　I　looked　her　full　in　the　face。　　Need　I　say　more？

True；　immediately　after　doing　so　I　left　the　room　with　what　may　possibly　have　appeared　to　be　precipitation　and　without　waiting　for　any　refreshment。　　But　that　was　because　I　had　changed　my　mind；　not　because　I　was　frightened；　you　understand。

One　consolation　that　shy　folk　can　take　unto　themselves　is　that　shyness　is　certainly　no　sign　of　stupidity。　　It　is　easy　enough　for　bull…headed　clowns　to　sneer　at　nerves；　but　the　highest　natures　are　not　necessarily　those　containing　the　greatest　amount　of　moral　brass。　　The　horse　is　not　an　inferior　animal　to　the　cock…sparrow；　nor　the　deer　of　the　forest　to　the　pig。　　Shyness　simply　means　extreme　sensibility；　and　has　nothing　whatever　to　do　with　self…consciousness　or　with　conceit；　though　its　relationship　to　both　is　continually　insisted　upon　by　the　poll…parrot　school　of　philosophy。

Conceit；　indeed；　is　the　quickest　cure　for　it。　　When　it　once　begins　to　dawn　upon　you　that　you　are　a　good　deal　cleverer　than　any　one　else　in　this　world；　bashfulness　becomes　shocked　　and　　leaves　you。　　When　you　can　look　round　a　roomful　of　people　and　think　that　each　one　is　a　mere　child　in　intellect　compared　with　yourself　you　feel　no　more　shy　of　them　than　you　would　of　a　select　company　of　magpies　or　orang…outangs。

Conceit　is　the　finest　armor　that　a　man　can　wear。　　Upon　its　smooth；　impenetrable　surface　the　puny　dagger…thrusts　of　spite　and　envy　glance　harmlessly　aside。　　Without　that　breast…plate　the　sword　of　talent　cannot　force　its　way　through　the　battle　of　life；　for　blows　have　to　be　borne　as　well　as　dealt。　　I　do　not；　of　course；　speak　of　the　conceit　that　displays　itself　in　an　elevated　nose　and　a　falsetto　voice。　　That　is　not　real　conceitthat　is　only　playing　at　being　conceited；　like　children　play　at　being　kings　and　queens　and　go　strutting　about　with　feathers　and　long　trains。　　Genuine　conceit　does　not　make　a　man　objectionable。　　On　the　contrary；　it　tends　to　make　him　genial；　kind…hearted；　and　simple。　　He　has　no　need　of　affectationhe　is　far　too　well　satisfied　with　his　own　character；　and　his　pride　is　too　deep…seated　to　appear　at　all　on　the　outside。　　Careless　alike　of　praise　or　blame；　he　can　afford　to　be　truthful。　　Too　far；　in　fancy；　above　the　rest　of　mankind　to　trouble　about　their　petty　distinctions；　he　is　equally　at　home　with　duke　or　costermonger。　　And　valuing　no　one's　standard　but　his　own；　he　is　never　tempted　to　practice　that　miserable　pretense　that　less　self…reliant　people　offer　up　as　an　hourly　sacrifice　to　the　god　of　their　neighbor's　opinion。

The　shy　man；　on　the　other　hand；　is　humblemodest　of　his　own　judgment　and　over…anxious　concerning　that　of　others。　　But　this　in　the　case　of　a　young　man　is　surely　right　enough。　　His　character　is　unformed。　　It　is　slowly　evolving　itself　out　of　a　chaos　of　doubt　and　disbelief。　　Before　the　growing　insight　and　experience　the　diffidence　recedes。　　A　man　rarely　carries　his　shyness　past　the　hobbledehoy　period。　　Even　if　his　own　inward　strength　does　not　throw　it　off；　the　rubbings　of　the　world　generally　smooth　it　down。　　You　scarcely　ever　meet　a　really　shy　manexcept　in　novels　or　on　the　stage；　where；　by　the　bye；　he　is　much　admired；　especially　by　the　women。

There；　in　that　supernatural　land；　he　appears　as　a　fair…haired　and　saintlike　young　manfair　hair　and　goodness　always　go　together　on　the　stage。　　No　respectable　audience　would　believe　in　one　without　the　other。　　I　knew　an　actor　who　mislaid　his　wig　once　and　had　to　rush　on　to　play　the　hero　in　his　own　hair；　which　was　jet…black；　and　the　gallery　howled　at　all　his　noble　sentiments　under　the　impression　that　he　was　the　villain。　　Hethe　shy　young　manloves　the　heroine；　oh　so　devotedly　（but　only　in　asides；　for　he　dare　not　tell　her　of　it）；　and　he　is　so　noble　and　unselfish；　and　speaks　in　such　a　low　voice；　and　is　so　good　to　his　mother；　and　the　bad　people　in　the　play；　they　laugh　at　him　and　jeer　at　him；　but　he　takes　it　all　so　gently；　and　in　the　end　it　transpires　that　he　is　such　a　clever　man；　though　nobody　knew　it；　and　then　the　heroine　tells　him　she　loves　him；　and　he　is　so　surprised；　and　oh；　so　happy！　and　everybody　loves　him　and　asks　him　to　forgive　them；　which　he　does　in　a　few　well…chosen　and　sarcastic　words；　and　blesses　them；　and　he　seems　to　have　generally　such　a　good　time　of　it　that　all　the　young　fellows　who　are　not　shy　long　to　be　shy。　　But　the　really　shy　man　knows　better。　　He　knows　that　it　is　not　quite　so　pleasant　in　reality。　　He　is　not　quite　so　interesting　there　as　in　the　fiction。　　He　is　a　little　more　clumsy　and　stupid　and　a　little　less　devoted　and　gentle；　and　his　hair　is　much　darker；　which；　taken　altogether；　considerably　alters　the　aspect　of　the　case。

The　point　where　he　does　resemble　his　ideal　is　in　his　faithfulness。　　I　am　fully　prepared　to　allow　the　shy　young　man　that　virtue：　　he　is　constant　in　his　love。　　But　the　reason　is　not　far　to　seek。　　The　fact　is　it　exhausts　all　his　stock　of　courage　to　look　one　woman　in　the　face；　and　it　would　be　simply　i