anecdotes of the late samuel johnson-第10章

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　your　fellow…creatures；　dear　lady；　turn　another　way；　that　they　may　not　be　tempted　by　the　luxuries　of　Porridge　Island　to　wish　for　gratifications　they　are　not　able　to　obtain。　　You　are　certainly　not　better　than　all　of　THEM；　give　God　thanks　that　you　are　happier。〃

I　received　on　another　occasion　as　just　a　rebuke　from　Mr。　Johnson；　for　an　offence　of　the　same　nature；　and　hope　I　took　care　never　to　provoke　a　third；　for　after　a　very　long　summer；　particularly　hot　and　dry；　I　was　wishing　naturally　but　thoughtlessly　for　some　rain　to　lay　the　dust　as　we　drove　along　the　Surrey　roads。　　〃I　cannot　bear；〃　replied　he；　with　much　asperity　and　an　altered　look；　〃when　I　know　how　many　poor　families　will　perish　next　winter　for　want　of　that　bread　which　the　present　drought　will　deny　them；　to　hear　ladies　sighing　for　rain；　only　that　their　complexions　may　not　suffer　from　the　heat；　or　their　clothes　be　incommoded　by　the　dust。　　For　shame！　leave　off　such　foppish　lamentations；　and　study　to　relieve　those　whose　distresses　are　real。〃

With　advising　others　to　be　charitable；　however；　Dr。　Johnson　did　not　content　himself。　　He　gave　away　all　he　had；　and　all　he　ever　had　gotten；　except　the　two　thousand　pounds　he　left　behind；　and　the　very　small　portion　of　his　income　which　he　spent　on　himself；　with　all　our　calculation；　we　never　could　make　more　than　seventy；　or　at　most　four…score　pounds　a　year；　and　he　pretended　to　allow　himself　a　hundred。　　He　had　numberless　dependents　out　of　doors　as　well　as　in；　who；　as　he　expressed　it；　〃did　not　like　to　see　him　latterly　unless　he　brought　'em　money。〃　　For　those　people　he　used　frequently　to　raise　contributions　on　his　richer　friends；　　〃and　this；〃　says　he；　〃is　one　of　the　thousand　reasons　which　ought　to　restrain　a　man　from　drony　solitude　and　useless　retirement。　　Solitude；〃　added　he　one　day；　〃is　dangerous　to　reason；　without　being　favourable　to　virtue：　　pleasures　of　some　sort　are　necessary　to　the　intellectual　as　to　the　corporeal　health；　and　those　who　resist　gaiety　will　be　likely　for　the　most　part　to　fall　a　sacrifice　to　appetite；　for　the　solicitations　of　sense　are　always　at　hand；　and　a　dram　to　a　vacant　and　solitary　person　is　a　speedy　and　seducing　relief。　　Remember；〃　concluded　he；　〃that　the　solitary　mortal　is　certainly　luxurious；　probably　superstitious；　and　possibly　mad：　　the　mind　stagnates　for　want　of　employment；　grows　morbid；　and　is　extinguished　like　a　candle　in　foul　air。〃　It　was　on　this　principle　that　Johnson　encouraged　parents　to　carry　their　daughters　early　and　much　into　company：　　〃for　what　harm　can　be　done　before　so　many　witnesses？　　Solitude　is　the　surest　nurse　of　all　prurient　passions；　and　a　girl　in　the　hurry　of　preparation；　or　tumult　of　gaiety；　has　neither　inclination　nor　leisure　to　let　tender　expressions　soften　or　sink　into　her　heart。　　The　ball；　the　show；　are　not　the　dangerous　places：　　no；　it　is　the　private　friend；　the　kind　consoler；　the　companion　of　the　easy；　vacant　hour；　whose　compliance　with　her　opinions　can　flatter　her　vanity；　and　whose　conversation　can　just　soothe；　without　ever　stretching　her　mind；　that　is　the　lover　to　be　feared。　　He　who　buzzes　in　her　ear　at　court　or　at　the　opera　must　be　contented　to　buzz　in　vain。〃　　These　notions　Dr。　Johnson　carried　so　very　far；　that　I　have　heard　him　say；　〃If　you　shut　up　any　man　with　any　woman；　so　as　to　make　them　derive　their　whole　pleasure　from　each　other；　they　would　inevitably　fall　in　love；　as　it　is　called；　with　each　other；　but　at　six　months'　end；　if　you　would　throw　them　both　into　public　life；　where　they　might　change　partners　at　pleasure；　each　would　soon　forget　that　fondness　which　mutual　dependence　and　the　paucity　of　general　amusement　alone　had　caused；　and　each　would　separately　feel　delighted　by　their　release。〃

In　these　opinions　Rousseau　apparently　concurs　with　him　exactly；　and　Mr。　Whitehead's　poem；　called　〃Variety；〃　is　written　solely　to　elucidate　this　simple　proposition。　　Prior　likewise　advises　the　husband　to　send　his　wife　abroad；　and　let　her　see　the　world　as　it　really　stands：

　　　　　〃Powder；　and　pocket…glass；　and　beau。〃

Mr。　Johnson　was　indeed　unjustly　supposed　to　be　a　lover　of　singularity。　　Few　people　had　a　more　settled　reverence　for　the　world　than　he；　or　was　less　captivated　by　new　modes　of　behaviour　introduced；　or　innovations　on　the　long…received　customs　of　common　life。　　He　hated　the　way　of　leaving　a　company　without　taking　notice　to　the　lady　of　the　house　that　he　was　going；　and　did　not　much　like　any　of　the　contrivances　by　which　ease　had　lately　been　introduced　into　society　instead　of　ceremony；　which　had　more　of　his　approbation。　　Cards；　dress；　and　dancing；　however；　all　found　their　advocate　in　Dr。　Johnson；　who　inculcated；　upon　principle；　the　cultivation　of　those　arts　which　many　a　moralist　thinks　himself　bound　to　reject；　and　many　a　Christian　holds　unfit　to　be　practised。　　〃No　person；〃　said　he　one　day；　〃goes　under…dressed　till　he　thinks　himself　of　consequence　enough　to　forbear　carrying　the　badge　of　his　rank　upon　his　back。〃　　And　in　answer　to　the　arguments　urged　by　Puritans；　Quakers；　etc。；　against　showy　decorations　of　the　human　figure；　I　once　heard　him　exclaim；　〃Oh；　let　us　not　be　found；　when　our　Master　calls　us；　ripping　the　lace　off　our　waistcoats；　but　the　spirit　of　contention　from　our　souls　and　tongues！　　Let　us　all　conform　in　outward　customs；　which　are　of　no　consequence；　to　the　manners　of　those　whom　we　live　among；　and　despise　such　paltry　distinctions。　　Alas；　sir！〃　continued　he；　〃a　man　who　cannot　get　to　heaven　in　a　green　coat；　will　not　find　his　way　thither　sooner　in　a　grey　one。〃　　On　an　occasion　of　less　consequence；　when　he　turned　his　back　on　Lord　Bolingbroke　in　the　rooms　at　Brighthelmstone；　he　made　this　excuse；　〃I　am　not　obliged；　sir；〃　said　he　to　Mr。　Thrale；　who　stood　fretting；　〃to　find　reasons　for　respecting　the　rank　of　him　who　will　not　condescend　to　declare　it　by　his　dress　or　some　other　visible　mark。　　What　are　stars　and　other　signs　of　superiority　made　for？〃

The　next　evening；　however；　he　made　us　comical　amends；　by　sitting　by　the　same　nobleman；　and　haranguing　very　loudly　about　the　nature　and　use　and　abuse　of　divorces。　　Many　people　gathered　round　them　to　hear　what　was　said；　and　when　my　husband　called　him　away；　and　told　him　to　whom　he　had　been　talking；　received　an　answer　which　I　will　not　write　down。

Though　no　man；　perhaps；　made　such　rough　replies　as　Dr。　Johnson；　yet　nobody　had　a　more　just　aversion　to　general　satire；　he　always　hated　and　censured　Swift　for　his　unprovoked　bitterness　against　the　professors　of　medicine；　and　used　to　challenge　his　friends；　when　they　lamented　the　exorbitancy　of　physicians'　fees；　to　produce　him　one　instance　of　an　estate　raised　by　physic　in　England。　　When　an　acquaintance；　too；　was　one　day　exclaiming　against　the　tediousness　of　the　law　and　its　partiality：　　〃Let　us　hear；　sir；〃　said　Johnson；　〃no　general　abuse；　the　law　is　the　last　result　of　human　wisdom　acting　upon　human　experience　for　the　benefit　of　the　public。〃

As　the　mind　of　Dr。　Johnson　was　greatly　expanded；　so　his　first　care　was　for　general；　not　particular　or　petty　morality；　and　those　teachers　had　more　of　his　blame　than　praise；　I　think；　who　seek　to　oppress　life　with　unnecessary　scruples。　　〃Scruples　would；〃　as　he　observed；　〃certainly　make　men　miserable；　and　seldom　make　them　good。　　Let　us　ever；〃　he　said；　〃studiously　fly　from　those　instructors　against　whom　our　Saviour　denounces　heavy　judgments；　for　having　bound　up　burdens　grievous　to　be　borne；　and　laid　them　on　the　shoulders　of　mortal　men。〃　　No　one　had；　however；　higher　notions　of　the　hard　task　of　true　Christianity　than　Johnson；　whose　daily　terror　lest　he　had　not　done　enough；　originated　in　piety；　but　ended　in　little　less　than　disease。　Reasonable　with　regard　to　others；　he　had　formed　vain　hopes　of　performing　impossibilities　himself；　and　finding　his　good　works　ever　below　his　desires　and　intent；　filled　his　imagination　with　fears　that　he　should　never　obtain　forgiveness　for　omissions　of　duty　and　criminal　waste　of　time。　　These　ideas　kept　him　in　constant　anxiety　concerning　his　salvation；　and　the　vehement　petitions　he　perpetually　made　for　a　longer　continuance　on　earth；　were　doubtless　the　cause　of　his　so　prolonged　existence：　　for　when　I　carried　Dr。　Pepys　to　him　in　the　year　1782；　it　appeared　wholly　impossible　for　any　skill　of　the　physician　or　any　strength　of　the　patient　to　save　him。　　He　was　saved　that　time；　however；　by　Sir　Lucas's　prescriptions；　and　less　skill　on　one　side；　or　less　strength　on　the　other；　I　am　morally　certain；　would　not　have　been　enough。　　He　had；　however；　possessed　an　athletic　constitution；　as　he　said　the　man　who　dipped　people　in　the　sea　at　Brighthelmstone　acknowledged；　for　seeing　Mr。　Johnson　swim；　in　the　year　1766；　〃Why；　sir；〃　says　the　dipper；　〃you　must　have　been　a　stout…hearted　gentleman　forty　years　ago。〃

Mr。　Thrale　and　he　used　to　laugh　about　that　story　very　often：　　but　Garrick　told　a　better；　for　he　said　that　in　their　young　days；　when　some　strolling　players　came　to　Lichfield；　our　friend　had　fixed　his　place　upon　the　stage；　and　got　himself　a　chair　accordingly；　which　leaving　for　a　few　minutes；　he　found　a　man　in　it　at　his　return；　who　refused　to　give　it　back　at　the　first　entreaty。　　Mr。　Johnson；　however；　who　did　not　think　it　worth　his　while　to　make　a　second；　took　chair　and　man　and　all　together；　and　threw　them　all　at　once　into　the　pit。　　I　asked　the　Doctor　if　this　was　a　fact。　　〃Garrick　has　not　SPOILED　it　in　the　telling；〃　said　he；　〃it　is　very　NEAR　true；　to　be　sure。〃

Mr。　Beauclerc；　too；　related　one　day　how　on　some　occasion　he　ordered　two　large　mastiffs　into　his　parlour；　to　show　a　friend　who　was　conversant　in　canine　beauty　and　excellence　how　the　dogs　quarrelled；　and　fastening　on　each　other；　alarmed　all　the　company　except　Johnson；　who　seizing　one　in　one　hand　by　the　cuff　of　the　neck；　the　other　in　the　other　hand；　said　gravely；　〃Come；　gentlemen！　where's　your　difficulty？　　put　one　dog　out　at　the　door；　and　I　will　show　this　fierce　gentleman　the　way　out　of　the　window：〃　which；　lifting　up　the　mastiff　and　the　sash；　he　contrived　to　do　very　expeditiously；　and　much　to　the　satisfaction　of　the　affrighted　company。　　We　inquired　as　to　the　truth　of　this　curious　recital。　　〃The　dogs　have　been　somewhat　magnified；　I　believe；　sir；〃　was　the　reply：　　〃they　were；　as　I　remember；　two　stout　young　pointers；　but　the　story　has　gained　but　little。〃

One　reason　why　Mr。　Johnson's　memory　was　so　particularly　exact；　might　be　derived　from　his　rigid　attention　to　veracity；　being　always　resolved　to　relate　every　fact　as　it　stood；　he　looked　even　on　the　smaller　parts　of　life　with　minute　attention；　and　remembered　such　passages　as　escape　cursory　and　common　observers。　　〃A　story；〃　says　he；　〃is　a　specimen　of　human　manners；　and　derives　its　sole　value　from　its　truth。　　When　Foote　has　told　me　something；　I　dismiss　it　from　my　mind　like　a　passing　shadow：　　when　Reynolds　tells　me　something；　I　consider　myself　as　possessed　of　an　idea　the　more。〃

Mr。　Johnson　liked　a　frolic　or　a　jest　well　enough；　though　he　had　strange　serious　rules　about　it　too：　　and　very　angry　was　he　if　anybody　offered　to　be　merry　when　he　was　disposed　to　be　grave。　　〃You　have　an　ill…founded　notion；〃　said　he；　〃that　it　is　clever　to　turn　matters　off　with　a　joke　（as　the　phrase　is）；　whereas　nothing　produces　enmity　so　certain　as　one　persons　showing　a　disposition　to　be　merry　when　another　is　inclined　to　be　either　serious　or　displeased。〃

One　may　gather　from　this　how　he　felt　when　his　Irish　friend　Gr