anecdotes of the late samuel johnson-第22章

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say　slightly；　I　have　had　enough　of　this　troublesome；　bustling　world；　'tis　time　to　leave　it　now：　'Ah；　dear　sir！'　cries　the　first　old　acquaintance　he　meets；　'I　am　glad　to　find　you　in　this　happy　disposition：　　yes；　dear　friend！　DO　retire　and　think　of　nothing　but　your　own　ease。　　There's　Mr。　William　will　find　it　a　pleasure　to　settle　all　your　accounts　and　relieve　you　from　the　fatigue；　Miss　Dolly　makes　the　charmingest　chicken…broth　in　the　world；　and　the　cheesecakes　we　ate　of　hers　once；　how　good　they　were。　　I　will　be　coming　every　two　or　three　days　myself　to　chat　with　you　in　a　quiet　way；　SO　SNUG！　and　tell　you　how　matters　go　upon　'Change；　or　in　the　House；　or　according　to　the　blockhead's　first　pursuits；　whether　lucrative　or　politic；　which　thus　he　leaves；　and　lays　himself　down　a　voluntary　prey　to　his　own　sensuality　and　sloth；　while　the　ambition　and　avarice　of　the　nephews　and　nieces；　with　their　rascally　adherents　and　coadjutors；　reap　the　advantage；　while　they　fatten　their　fool。'〃

As　the　votaries　of　retirement　had　little　of　Mr。　Johnson's　applause；　unless　that　he　knew　that　the　motives　were　merely　devotional；　and　unless　he　was　convinced　that　their　rituals　were　accompanied　by　a　mortified　state　of　the　body；　the　sole　proof　of　their　sincerity　which　he　would　admit；　as　a　compensation　for　such　fatigue　as　a　worldly　life　of　care　and　activity　requires；　so　of　the　various　states　and　conditions　of　humanity；　he　despised　none　more；　I　think；　than　the　man　who　marries　for　a　maintenance。　　And　of　a　friend　who　made　his　alliance　on　no　higher　principles；　he　said　once；　〃Now　has　that　fellow　（it　was　a　nobleman　of　whom　we　were　speaking）　at　length　obtained　a　certainty　of　three　meals　a　day；　and　for　that　certainty；　like　his　brother　dog　in　the　fable；　he　will　get　his　neck　galled　for　life　with　a　collar。〃

That　poverty　was　an　evil　to　be　avoided　by　all　honest　means；　however；　no　man　was　more　ready　to　avow：　　concealed　poverty　particularly；　which　he　said　was　the　general　corrosive　that　destroyed　the　peace　of　almost　every　family；　to　which　no　evening　perhaps　ever　returned　without　some　new　project　for　hiding　the　sorrows　and　dangers　of　the　next　day。　　〃Want　of　money；〃　says　Dr。　Johnson；　〃is　sometimes　concealed　under　pretended　avarice；　and　sly　hints　of　aversion　to　part　with　it；　sometimes　under　stormy　anger；　and　affectation　of　boundless　rage；　but　oftener　still　under　a　show　of　thoughtless　extravagance　and　gay　neglect；　while　to　a　penetrating　eye　none　of　these　wretched　veils　suffice　to　keep　the　cruel　truth　from　being　seen。　　Poverty　is　hic　et　ubique；〃　says　he；　〃and　if　you　do　shut　the　jade　out　of　the　door；　she　will　always　contrive　in　some　manner　to　poke　her　pale；　lean　face　in　at　the　window。〃

I　have　mentioned　before　that　old　age　had　very　little　of　Mr。　Johnson's　reverence。　　〃A　man　commonly　grew　wickeder　as　he　grew　older；〃　he　said；　〃at　least　he　but　changed　the　vices　of　youth；　headstrong　passion　and　wild　temerity；　for　treacherous　caution；　and　desire　to　circumvent。　　I　am　always；〃　said　he；　〃on　the　young　people's　side；　when　there　is　a　dispute　between　them　and　the　old　ones；　for　you　have　at　least　a　chance　for　virtue　till　age　has　withered　its　very　root。〃　　While　we　were　talking；　my　mother's　spaniel；　whom　he　never　loved；　stole　our　toast　and　butter；　〃Fie；　Belle！〃　said　I；　〃you　used　to　be　upon　honour。〃　　〃Yes；　madam；〃　replies　Johnson；　〃BUT　BELLE　GROWS　OLD。〃　His　reason　for　hating　the　dog　was；　〃because　she　was　a　professed　favourite；〃　he　said；　〃and　because　her　lady　ordered　her　from　time　to　time　to　be　washed　and　combed；　a　foolish　trick；〃　said　he；　〃and　an　assumption　of　superiority　that　every　one's　nature　revolts　at；　so　because　one　must　not　wish　ill　to　the　lady　in　such　cases；〃　continued　he；　〃one　curses　the　cur。〃　　The　truth　is；　Belle　was　not　well　behaved；　and　being　a　large　spaniel；　was　troublesome　enough　at　dinner　with　frequent　solicitations　to　be　fed。　　〃This　animal；〃　said　Dr。　Johnson　one　day；　〃would　have　been　of　extraordinary　merit　and　value　in　the　state　of　Lycurgus；　for　she　condemns　one　to　the　exertion　of　perpetual　vigilance。〃

He　had；　indeed；　that　strong　aversion　felt　by　all　the　lower　ranks　of　people　towards　four…footed　companions　very　completely；　notwithstanding　he　had　for　many　years　a　cat　which　he　called　Hodge；　that　kept　always　in　his　room　at　Fleet　Street；　but　so　exact　was　he　not　to　offend　the　human　species　by　superfluous　attention　to　brutes；　that　when　the　creature　was　grown　sick　and　old；　and　could　eat　nothing　but　oysters；　Mr。　Johnson　always　went　out　himself　to　buy　Hodge's　dinner；　that　Francis　the　black's　delicacy　might　not　be　hurt；　at　seeing　himself　employed　for　the　convenience　of　a　quadruped。

No　one　was；　indeed；　so　attentive　not　to　offend　in　all　such　sort　of　things　as　Dr。　Johnson；　nor　so　careful　to　maintain　the　ceremonies　of　life：　　and　though　he　told　Mr。　Thrale　once　that　he　had　never　sought　to　please　till　past　thirty　years　old；　considering　the　matter　as　hopeless；　he　had　been　always　studious　not　to　make　enemies　by　apparent　preference　of　himself。　　It　happened　very　comically　that　the　moment　this　curious　conversation　passed；　of　which　I　was　a　silent　auditress；　was　in　the　coach；　in　some　distant　province；　either　Shropshire　or　Derbyshire；　I　believe；　and　as　soon　as　it　was　over；　Mr。　Johnson　took　out　of　his　pocket　a　little　book　and　read；　while　a　gentleman　of　no　small　distinction　for　his　birth　and　elegance　suddenly　rode　up　to　the　carriage；　and　paying　us　all　his　proper　compliments；　was　desirous　not　to　neglect　Dr。　Johnson；　but　observing　that　he　did　not　see　him；　tapped　him　gently　on　the　shoulder。　　〃'Tis　Mr。　Ch…lm…ley；〃　says　my　husband。　〃Well；　sir！　and　what　if　it　is　Mr。　Ch…lm…ley！〃　says　the　other；　sternly；　just　lifting　his　eyes　a　moment　from　his　book；　and　returning　to　it　again　with　renewed　avidity。

He　had　sometimes　fits　of　reading　very　violent；　and　when　he　was　in　earnest　about　getting　through　some　particular　pages；　for　I　have　heard　him　say　he　never　read　but　one　book；　which　he　did　not　consider　as　obligatory；　through　in　his　whole　life　（and　〃Lady　Mary　Wortley's　Letters；〃　was　the　book）；　he　would　be　quite　lost　to　the　company；　and　withdraw　all　his　attention　to　what　he　was　reading；　without　the　smallest　knowledge　or　care　about　the　noise　made　round　him。　　His　deafness　made　such　conduct　less　odd　and　less　difficult　to　him　than　it　would　have　been　to　another　man：　　but　his　advising　others　to　take　the　same　method；　and　pull　a　little　book　out　when　they　were　not　entertained　with　what　was　going　forward　in　society；　seemed　more　likely　to　advance　the　growth　of　science　than　of　polished　manners；　for　which　he　always　pretended　extreme　veneration。

Mr。　Johnson；　indeed；　always　measured　other　people's　notions　of　everything　by　his　own；　and　nothing　could　persuade　him　to　believe　that　the　books　which　he　disliked　were　agreeable　to　thousands；　or　that　air　and　exercise　which　he　despised　were　beneficial　to　the　health　of　other　mortals。　　When　poor　Smart；　so　well　known　for　his　wit　and　misfortunes；　was　first　obliged　to　be　put　in　private　lodgings；　a　common　friend　of　both　lamented　in　tender　terms　the　necessity　which　had　torn　so　pleasing　a　companion　from　their　acquaintance。　〃A　madman　must　be　confined；　sir；〃　replies　Dr。　Johnson。　　〃But；〃　says　the　other；　〃I　am　now　apprehensive　for　his　general　health；　he　will　lose　the　benefit　of　exercise。〃　　〃Exercise！〃　returns　the　Doctor；　〃I　never　heard　that　he　used　any：　　he　might；　for　aught　I　know；　walk　TO　the　alehouse；　but　I　believe　he　was　always　CARRIED　home　again。〃

It　was；　however；　unlucky　for　those　who　delighted　to　echo　Johnson's　sentiments；　that　he　would　not　endure　from　them　to…day　what　perhaps　he　had　yesterday；　by　his　own　manner　of　treating　the　subject；　made　them　fond　of　repeating；　and　I　fancy　Mr。　B　has　not　forgotten　that　though　his　friend　one　evening　in　a　gay　humour　talked　in　praise　of　wine　as　one　of　the　blessings　permitted　by　heaven；　when　used　with　moderation；　to　lighten　the　load　of　life；　and　give　men　strength　to　endure　it；　yet；　when　in　consequence　of　such　talk　he　thought　fit　to　make　a　Bacchanalian　discourse　in　its　favour；　Mr。　Johnson　contradicted　him　somewhat　roughly；　as　I　remember；　and　when；　to　assure　himself　of　conquest；　he　added　these　words：　　〃You　must　allow　me；　sir；　at　least　that　it　produces　truth；　in　vino　veritas；　you　know；　sir。〃　　〃That；〃　replied　Mr。　Johnson；　〃would　be　useless　to　a　man　who　knew　he　was　not　a　liar　when　he　was　sober。〃

When　one　talks　of　giving　and　taking　the　lie　familiarly；　it　is　impossible　to　forbear　recollecting　the　transactions　between　the　editor　of　〃Ossian；〃　and　the　author　of　the　〃Journey　to　the　Hebrides。〃　　It　was　most　observable　to　me；　however；　that　Mr。　Johnson　never　bore　his　antagonist　the　slightest　degree　of　ill…will。　　He　always　kept　those　quarrels　which　belonged　to　him　as　a　writer　separate　from　those　which　he　had　to　do　with　as　a　man；　but　I　never　did　hear　him　say　in　private　one　malicious　word　of　a　public　enemy；　and　of　Mr。　Macpherson　I　once　heard　him　speak　respectfully；　though　his　reply　to　the　friend　who　asked　him　if　ANY　MAN　LIVING　could　have　written　such　a　book；　is　well　known；　and　has　been　often　repeated〃Yes；　sir；　many　men；　many　women；　and　many　children。〃

I　inquired　of　him　myself　if　this　story　was　authentic；　and　he　said　it　was。　I　made　the　same　inquiry　concerning　his　account　of　the　state　of　literature　in　Scotland；　which　was　repeated　up　and　down　at　one　time　by　everybody〃How　knowledge　was　divided　among　the　Scots；　like　bread　in　a　besieged　town；　to　every　man　a　mouthful；　to　no　man　a　bellyful。〃　　This　story　he　likewise　acknowledged；　and　said；　besides；　〃that　some　officious　friend　had　carried　it　to　Lord　Bute；　who　only　answered；　'Well；　well！　never　mind　what　he　says；　he　will　have　the　pension　all　one。'〃

Another　famous　reply　to　a　Scotsman　who　commended　the　beauty　and　dignity　of　Glasgow；　till　Mr。　Johnson　stopped　him　by　observing；　〃that　he　probably　had　never　yet　seen　Brentford；〃　was　one　of　the　jokes　he　owned；　and　said　himself　〃that　when　a　gentleman　of　that　country　once　mentioned　the　lovely　prospects　common　in　his　nation；　he　could　not　help　telling　him　that　the　view　of　the　London　road　was　the　prospect　in　which　every　Scotsman　most　naturally　and　most　rationally　delighted。〃

Mrs。　Brooke　received　an　answer　not　unlike　this；　when　expatiating　on　the　accumulation　of　sublime　and　beautiful　objects；　which　form　the　fine　prospect　UP　the　River　St。　Lawrence；　in　North　America。　　〃Come；　madam；〃　says　Dr。　Johnson；　〃confess　that　nothing　ever　equalled　your　pleasure　in　seeing　that　sight　reversed；　and　finding　yourself　looking　at　the　happy　prospect　DOWN　the　River　St。　Lawrence。〃　　The　truth　is；　he　hated　to　hear　about　prospects　and　views；　and　laying　out　ground　and　taste　in　gardening。　　〃That　was　the　best　garden；〃　he　said；　〃which　produced　most　roots　and　fruits；　and　that　water　was　most　to　be　prized　which　contained　most　fish。〃　　He　used　to　laugh　at　Shenstone　most　unmercifully　for　not　caring　whether　there　was　anything　good　to　EAT　in　the　streams　he　was　so　fond　of；　〃as　if；〃　says　Johnson；　〃one　could　fill　one's　belly　with　hearing　soft　murmurs；　or　looking　at　rough　cascades！〃

He　loved　the　sight　of　fine　forest　trees；　however；　and　detested　Brighthelmstone　Downs；　〃because　it　was　a　country　so　truly　desolate；〃　he　said；　〃that　if　one　had　a　mind　to　hang　one's　self　for　desperation　at　being　obliged　to　live　there；　it　would　be　difficult　to　find　a　tree　on　which　to　fasten　the　rope。〃　　Walking　in　a　wood　when　it　rained　was；　I　think；　the　only　rural　image　he　pleased　h