the magic skin-第16章

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lover　of　the　woman　I　dreamed　of　possessing。　Have　we　not　all　of　us；

more　or　less；　believed　in　the　reality　of　a　thing　because　we　wished　it？

I　would　never　have　a　young　man　for　my　friend　who　did　not　place　himself

in　dreams　upon　a　pedestal；　weave　crowns　for　his　head；　and　have

complaisant　mistresses。　I　myself　would　often　be　a　general；　nay；

emperor；　I　have　been　a　Byron；　and　then　a　nobody。　After　this　sport　on

these　pinnacles　of　human　achievement；　I　became　aware　that　all　the

difficulties　and　steeps　of　life　were　yet　to　face。　My　exuberant　self…

esteem　came　to　my　aid；　I　had　that　intense　belief　in　my　destiny；　which

perhaps　amounts　to　genius　in　those　who　will　not　permit　themselves　to

be　distracted　by　contact　with　the　world；　as　sheep　that　leave　their

wool　on　the　briars　of　every　thicket　they　pass　by。　I　meant　to　cover

myself　with　glory；　and　to　work　in　silence　for　the　mistress　I　hoped　to

have　one　day。　Women　for　me　were　resumed　into　a　single　type；　and　this

woman　I　looked　to　meet　in　the　first　that　met　my　eyes；　but　in　each　and

all　I　saw　a　queen；　and　as　queens　must　make　the　first　advances　to　their

lovers；　they　must　draw　near　to　meto　me；　so　sickly；　shy；　and　poor。

For　her；　who　should　take　pity　on　me；　my　heart　held　in　store　such

gratitude　over　and　beyond　love；　that　I　had　worshiped　her　her　whole

life　long。　Later；　my　observations　have　taught　me　bitter　truths。



〃In　this　way；　dear　Emile；　I　ran　the　risk　of　remaining　companionless

for　good。　The　incomprehensible　bent　of　women's　minds　appears　to　lead

them　to　see　nothing　but　the　weak　points　in　a　clever　man；　and　the

strong　points　of　a　fool。　They　feel　the　liveliest　sympathy　with　the

fool's　good　qualities；　which　perpetually　flatter　their　own　defects；

while　they　find　the　man　of　talent　hardly　agreeable　enough　to

compensate　for　his　shortcomings。　All　capacity　is　a　sort　of

intermittent　fever；　and　no　woman　is　anxious　to　share　in　its

discomforts　only；　they　look　to　find　in　their　lovers　the　wherewithal　to

gratify　their　own　vanity。　It　is　themselves　that　they　love　in　us！　But

the　artist；　poor　and　proud；　along　with　his　endowment　of　creative

power；　is　furnished　with　an　aggressive　egotism！　Everything　about　him

is　involved　in　I　know　not　what　whirlpool　of　his　ideas；　and　even　his

mistress　must　gyrate　along　with　them。　How　is　a　woman；　spoilt　with

praise；　to　believe　in　the　love　of　a　man　like　that？　Will　she　go　to　seek

him　out？　That　sort　of　lover　has　not　the　leisure　to　sit　beside　a　sofa

and　give　himself　up　to　the　sentimental　simperings　that　women　are　so

fond　of；　and　on　which　the　false　and　unfeeling　pride　themselves。　He

cannot　spare　the　time　from　his　work；　and　how　can　he　afford　to　humble

himself　and　go　a…masquerading！　I　was　ready　to　give　my　life　once　and

for　all；　but　I　could　not　degrade　it　in　detail。　Besides；　there　is

something　indescribably　paltry　in　a　stockbroker's　tactics；　who　runs　on

errands　for　some　insipid　affected　woman；　all　this　disgusts　an　artist。

Love　in　the　abstract　is　not　enough　for　a　great　man　in　poverty；　he　has

need　of　its　utmost　devotion。　The　frivolous　creatures　who　spend　their

lives　in　trying　on　cashmeres；　or　make　themselves　into　clothes…pegs　to

hang　the　fashions　from；　exact　the　devotion　which　is　not　theirs　to

give；　for　them；　love　means　the　pleasure　of　ruling　and　not　of　obeying。

She　who　is　really　a　wife；　one　in　heart；　flesh；　and　bone；　must　follow

wherever　he　leads；　in　whom　her　life；　her　strength；　her　pride；　and

happiness　are　centered。　Ambitious　men　need　those　Oriental　women　whose

whole　thought　is　given　to　the　study　of　their　requirements；　for

unhappiness　means　for　them　the　incompatibility　of　their　means　with

their　desires。　But　I；　who　took　myself　for　a　man　of　genius；　must　needs

feel　attracted　by　these　very　she…coxcombs。　So；　as　I　cherished　ideas　so

different　from　those　generally　received；　as　I　wished　to　scale　the

heavens　without　a　ladder；　was　possessed　of　wealth　that　could　not

circulate；　and　of　knowledge　so　wide　and　so　imperfectly　arranged　and

digested　that　it　overtaxed　my　memory；　as　I　had　neither　relations　nor

friends　in　the　midst　of　this　lonely　and　ghastly　desert；　a　desert　of

paving　stones；　full　of　animation；　life；　and　thought；　wherein　every　one

is　worse　than　inimical；　indifferent　to　wit；　I　made　a　very　natural　if

foolish　resolve；　which　required　such　unknown　impossibilities；　that　my

spirits　rose。　It　was　as　if　I　had　laid　a　wager　with　myself；　for　I　was

at　once　the　player　and　the　cards。



〃This　was　my　plan。　The　eleven　hundred　francs　must　keep　life　in　me　for

three　yearsthe　time　I　allowed　myself　in　which　to　bring　to　light　a

work　which　should　draw　attention　to　me；　and　make　me　either　a　name　or　a

fortune。　I　exulted　at　the　thought　of　living　on　bread　and　milk；　like　a

hermit　in　the　Thebaid；　while　I　plunged　into　the　world　of　books　and

ideas；　and　so　reached　a　lofty　sphere　beyond　the　tumult　of　Paris；　a

sphere　of　silent　labor　where　I　would　entomb　myself　like　a　chrysalis　to

await　a　brilliant　and　splendid　new　birth。　I　imperiled　my　life　in　order

to　live。　By　reducing　my　requirements　to　real　needs　and　the　barest

necessaries；　I　found　that　three　hundred　and　sixty…five　francs　sufficed

for　a　year　of　penury；　and；　in　fact；　I　managed　to　exist　on　that　slender

sum；　so　long　as　I　submitted　to　my　own　claustral　discipline。〃



〃Impossible！〃　cried　Emile。



〃I　lived　for　nearly　three　years　in　that　way；〃　Raphael　answered；　with　a

kind　of　pride。　〃Let　us　reckon　it　out。　Three　sous　for　bread；　two　for

milk；　and　three　for　cold　meat；　kept　me　from　dying　of　hunger；　and　my

mind　in　a　state　of　peculiar　lucidity。　I　have　observed；　as　you　know；

the　wonderful　effects　produced　by　diet　upon　the　imagination。　My

lodgings　cost　me　three　sous　daily；　I　burnt　three　sous　more　in　oil　at

night；　I　did　my　own　housework；　and　wore　flannel　shirts　so　as　to　reduce

the　laundress'　bill　to　two　sous　per　day。　The　money　I　spent　yearly　in

coal；　if　divided　up；　never　cost　more　than　two　sous　for　each　day。　I　had

three　years'　supply　of　clothing；　and　I　only　dressed　when　going　out　to

some　library　or　public　lecture。　These　expenses；　all　told；　only

amounted　to　eighteen　sous；　so　two　were　left　over　for　emergencies。　I

cannot　recollect；　during　that　long　period　of　toil；　either　crossing　the

Pont　des　Arts；　or　paying　for　water；　I　went　out　to　fetch　it　every

morning　from　the　fountain　in　the　Place　Saint　Michel；　at　the　corner　of

the　Rue　de　Gres。　Oh；　I　wore　my　poverty　proudly。　A　man　urged　on　towards

a　fair　future　walks　through　life　like　an　innocent　person　to　his　death；

he　feels　no　shame　about　it。



〃I　would　not　think　of　illness。　Like　Aquilina；　I　faced　the　hospital

without　terror。　I　had　not　a　moment's　doubt　of　my　health；　and　besides；

the　poor　can　only　take　to　their　beds　to　die。　I　cut　my　own　hair　till

the　day　when　an　angel　of　love　and　kindness　。　。　。　But　I　do　not　want　to

anticipate　the　state　of　things　that　I　shall　reach　later。　You　must

simply　know　that　I　lived　with　one　grand　thought　for　a　mistress；　a

dream；　an　illusion　which　deceives　us　all　more　or　less　at　first。　To…day

I　laugh　at　myself；　at　that　self；　holy　perhaps　and　heroic；　which　is　now

no　more。　I　have　since　had　a　closer　view　of　society　and　the　world；　of

our　manners　and　customs；　and　seen　the　dangers　of　my　innocent　credulity

and　the　superfluous　nature　of　my　fervent　toil。　Stores　of　that　sort　are

quite　useless　to　aspirants　for　fame。　Light　should　be　the　baggage　of

seekers　after　fortune！



〃Ambitious　men　spend　their　youth　in　rendering　themselves　worthy　of

patronage；　it　is　their　great　mistake。　While　the　foolish　creatures　are

laying　in　stores　of　knowledge　and　energy；　so　that　they　shall　not　sink

under　the　weight　of　responsible　posts　that　recede　from　them；　schemers

come　and　go　who　are　wealthy　in　words　and　destitute　in　ideas；　astonish

the　ignorant；　and　creep　into　the　confidence　of　those　who　have　a　little

knowledge。　While　the　first　kind　study；　the　second　march　ahead；　the　one

sort　is　modest；　and　the　other　impudent；　the　man　of　genius　is　silent

about　his　own　merits；　but　these　schemers　make　a　flourish　of　theirs；

and　they　are　bound　to　get　on。　It　is　so　strongly　to　the　interest　of　men

in　office　to　believe　in　ready…made　capacity；　and　in　brazen…faced

merit；　that　it　is　downright　childish　of　the　learned　to　expect　material

rewards。　I　do　not　seek　to　paraphrase　the　commonplace　moral；　the　song

of　songs　that　obscure　genius　is　for　ever　singing；　I　want　to　come；　in　a

logical　manner；　by　the　reason　of　the　frequent　successes　of　mediocrity。

Alas！　study　shows　us　such　a　mother's　kindness　that　it　would　be　a　sin

perhaps　to　ask　any　other　reward　of　her　than　the　pure　and　delightful

pleasures　with　which　she　sustains　her　children。



〃Often　I　remember　soaking　my　bread　in　milk；　as　I　sat　by　the　window　to

take　the　fresh　air；　while　my　eyes　wandered　over　a　view　of　roofs

brown；　gray；　or　red；　slated　or　tiled；　and　covered　with　yellow　or　green

mosses。　At　first　the　prospect　may　have　seemed　monotonous；　but　I　very

soon　found　peculiar　beauties　in　it。　Sometimes　at　night；　streams　of

light　through　half…closed　shutters　would　light　up　and　color　the　dark

abysses　of　this　strange　landscape。　Sometimes　the　feeble　lights　of　the

street　lamps　sent　up　yellow　gleams　through　the　fog；　and　in　each　street

dimly　outlined　the　undulations　of　a　crowd　of　roofs；　like　billows　in　a

motionless　sea。　Very　occasionally；　too；　a　face　appeared　in　this　gloomy

waste；　above　the　flowers　in　some　skyey　garden　I　caught　a　glimpse　of　an

old　woman's　crooked　angular　profile　as　she　watered　her　nasturtiums；

or；　in　a　crazy　attic　window；　a　young　girl；　fancying　herself　quite

alone　as　she　dressed　herselfa　view　of　nothing　more　than　a　fair

forehead　and　long　tresses　held　above　her　by　a　pretty　white　arm。



〃I　liked　to　see　the　short…lived　plant…life　in　the　gutterspoor　weeds

that　a　storm　soon　washed　away。　I　studied　the　mosses；　with　their　colors

revived　by　showers；　or　transformed　by　the　sun　into　a　brown　velvet　that

fitfully　caught　the　light。　Such　things　as　these　formed　my　recreations

the　passing　poetic　moods　of　daylight；　the　melancholy　mists；　sudden

gleams　of　sunlight；　the　silence　and　the　magic　of　night；　the　mysteries

of　dawn；　the　smoke　wreaths　from　each　chimney；　every　chance　event；　in

fact；　in　my　curious　world　became　familiar　to　me。　I　came　to　love　this

prison　of　my　own　choosing。　This　level　Parisian　prairie　of　roofs；

beneath　which　lay　populous　abysses；　suited　my　humor；　and　harmonized

with　my　thoughts。



〃Sudden　descents　into　the　world　from　the　divine　height　of　scientific

meditation　are　very　exhausting；　and；　besides；　I　had　apprehended

perfectly　the　bare　life　of　the　cloister。　When　I　made　up　my　mind　to

carry　out　this　new　plan　of　life；　I　looked　for　quarters　in　the　most

out…of…the…way　parts　of　Paris。　One　evening；　as　I　returned　home　to　the

Rue　des　Cordiers　from　the　Place　de　l'Estrapade；　I　saw　a　girl　of

fourteen　playing　with　a　battledore　at　the　corner　of　the　Rue　de　Cluny；

her　winsome　ways　and　laughter　amused　the　neighbors。　September　was　not

yet　over；　it　was　warm　and　fine；　so　that　women　sat　chatting　before

their　doors