painted windows-第2章

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how　to　make　a　story　come　to　life；　and
never　did　all　his　simple　natural　gifts
show　themselves　better　than　on　this
night；　when　he　dwelt　on　his　old　cam…
paigns。

For　the　first　time　I　was　to　look　into
the　heart　of　a　kindly　natured　man；
forced　by　terrible　necessity　to　go
through　the　dread　experience　of　war。
I　gained　an　idea　of　the　unspeakable
homesickness　of　the　man　who　leaves
his　family　to　an　unimagined　fate；　and
sacrifices　years　in　the　service　of　his
country。　I　saw　that　the　mere　foregoing
of　roof　and　bed　is　an　indescribable　dis…
tress；　I　learned　something　of　what　the
palpitant　anxiety　before　a　battle　must
be；　and　the　quaking　fear　at　the　first
rattle　of　bullets；　and　the　half…mad　rush
of　determination　with　which　men　force
valour　into　their　faltering　hearts；　I
was　made　to　know　something　of　the
blight　of　war　　the　horror　of　the　battle…
field；　the　waste　of　bounty；　the　ruin　of
homes。

Then；　rising　above　this；　came　stories
of　devotion；　of　brotherhood；　of　service
on　the　long；　desolate　marches；　of　cour…
age　to　the　death　of　those　who　fought
for　a　cause。　I　began　to　see　wherein
lay　the　highest　joy　of　the　soldier；　and
of　how　little　account　he　held　himself；
if　the　principle　for　which　he　fought
could　be　preserved。　I　heard　for　the
first　time　the　wonderful　words　of　Lin…
coln　at　Gettysburg；　and　learned　to　re…
peat　a　part　of　them。

I　was　only　eight；　it　is　true；　but　emo…
tion　has　no　age；　and　I　understood　then
as　well　as　I　ever　could；　what　heroism
and　devotion　and　self…forgetfulness
mean。　I　understood；　too；　the　meaning
of　the　words　〃our　country；〃　and　my
heart　warmed　to　it；　as　in　the　older　times
the　hearts　of　boys　and　girls　warmed
to　the　name　of　their　king。　The　new
knowledge　was　so　beautiful　that　I
thought　then；　and　I　think　now；　that
nothing　could　have　served　as　so　fit　an
accompaniment　to　it　as　the　shouting　of
those　pines。　　They　sang　like　heroes；
and　in　their　swaying　gave　me　fleeting
glimpses　of　the　stars；　unbelievably
brilliant　in　the　dusky　purple　sky；　and
half…obscured　now　and　then　by　drifting
clouds。

By　and　by　we　lay　down；　not　far　apart；
each　rolled　in　an　army　blanket；　frayed
with　service。　Our　feet　were　to　the　fire
　for　it　was　so　that　soldiers　lay；　my　fa…
ther　said　　and　our　heads　rested　on
mounds　of　pine…needles。

Sometimes　in　the　night　I　felt　my　fa…
ther's　hand　resting　lightly　on　my　shoul…
ders　to　see　that　I　was　covered；　but　in
my　dreams　he　ceased　to　be　my　father
and　became　my　comrade；　and　I　was　a
drummer　boy；　　I　had　seen　the　play；
〃The　Drummer　Boy　of　the　Rappahan…
nock；〃　　marching　forward；　with　set
teeth；　in　the　face　of　battle。

Whatever　could　redeem　war　and
make　it　glorious　seemed　to　flood　my
soul。　All　that　was　highest；　all　that　was
noble　in　that　dreadful　conflict　came　to
me　in　my　sleep　　to　me；　the　child　who
had　been　born　when　my　father　was　at
〃the　front。〃　I　had　a　strange　baptism
of　the　spirit。　I　discovered　sorrow　and
courage；　singing　trees　and　stars。　I　was
never　again　to　think　that　the　fireside
and　fireside　thoughts　made　up　the　whole
of　life。

My　father　lies　with　other　soldiers　by
the　Pacific；　the　forest　sings　no　more；
the　old　army　blankets　have　disap…
peared；　the　memories　of　the　terrible
war　are　fading；　　happily　fading；　　but
they　all　live　again；　sometimes；　in　my
memory；　and　I　am　once　more　a　child；
with　thoughts　as　proud　and　fierce　and
beautiful　as　Valkyries。



II

SOLITUDE

AMONG　the　pictures　that　I　see
when　I　look　back　into　the　past；　is
the　one　where　I；　a　sullen；　egotistic　per…
son　nine　years　old；　stood　quite　alone　in
the　world。　To　he　sure；　there　were　fa…
ther　and　mother　in　the　house；　and　there
were　the　other　children；　and　not　one
among　them　knew　I　was　alone。　The
world　certainly　would　not　have　re…
garded　me　as　friendless　or　orphaned。
There　was　nothing　in　my　mere　appear…
ance；　as　I　started　away　to　school　in　my
clean　ginghams；　with　my　well…brushed
hair；　and　embroidered　school…bag；　to
lead　any　one　to　suppose　that　I　was　a
castaway。　Yet　I　was　　I　had　discovered
this　fact；　hidden　though　it　might　be
from　others。

I　was　no　longer　loved。　Father　and
mother　loved　the　other　children；　but　not
me。　I　might　come　home　at　night；　fairly
bursting　with　important　news　about
what　had　happened　in　class　or　among
my　friends；　and　try　to　relate　my　little
histories。　But　did　mother　listen？　Not
at　all。　She　would　nod　like　a　mandarin
while　I　talked；　or　go　on　turning　the
leaves　of　her　book；　or　writing　her　letter。
What　I　said　was　of　no　importance　to
her。

Father　was　even　less　interested。　He
frankly　told　me　to　keep　still；　and　went
on　with　the　accounts　in　which　he　was
so　absurdly　interested；　or　examined
〃papers〃　　stupid…looking　things　done
on　legal　cap；　which　he　brought　home
with　him　from　the　office。　No　one　kissed
me　when　I　started　away　in　the　morn…
ing；　no　one　kissed　me　when　I　came　home
at　night。　I　went　to　bed　unkissed。　I
felt　myself　to　be　a　lonely　and　misunder…
stood　child　　perhaps　even　an　adopted
one。

Why；　I　knew　a　little　girl　who；　when
she　went　up　to　her　room　at　night；　found
the　bedclothes　turned　back；　and　the
shade　drawn；　and　a　screen　placed　so　as
to　keep　off　drafts。　And　her　mother
brushed　her　hair　twenty　minutes　by　the
clock　each　night；　to　make　it　glossy；　and
then　she　sat　by　her　bed　and　sang　softly
till　the　girl　fell　asleep。

I　not　only　had　to　open　my　own　bed；
but　the　beds　for　the　other　children；　and
although　I　sometimes　felt　my　mother's
hand　tucking　in　the　bedclothes　round
me；　she　never　stooped　and　kissed　me　on
the　brow　and　said；　〃Bless　you；　my
child。〃　No　one；　in　all　my　experience；
had　said；　〃Bless　you；　my　child。〃　When
the　girl　I　have　spoken　of　came　into　the
room；　her　mother　reached　out　her　arms
and　said；　before　everybody；　〃Here
comes　my　dear　little　girl。〃　When　I
came　into　a　room；　I　was　usually　told　to
do　something　for　somebody。　It　was
〃Please　see　if　the　fire　needs　more
wood；〃　or　〃Let　the　cat　in；　please；〃　or
〃I'd　like　you　to　weed　the　pansy　bed　be…
fore　supper…time。〃

In　these　circumstances；　life　hardly
seemed　worth　living。　I　decided　that　I
had　made　a　mistake　in　choosing　my
family。　It　did　not　appreciate　me；　and
it　failed　to　make　my　young　life　glad。
I　knew　my　young　life　ought　to　be　glad。
And　it　was　not。　It　was　drab；　as　drab
as　Toot's　old　rain…coat。

Toot　was　〃our　coloured　boy。〃　That
is　the　way　we　described　him。　Father
had　brought　him　home　from　the　war；
and　had　sent　him　to　school；　and　then
apprenticed　him　to　a　miller。　Toot　did
〃chores〃　for　his　board　and　clothes；
but　was　soon　to　be　his　own　man；　and　to
be　paid　money　by　the　miller；　and　to
marry　Tulula　Darthula　Jones；　a　nice
coloured　girl　who　lived　with　the　Cut…
lers。

The　time　had　been　when　Toot　had
been　my　self…appointed　slave。　Almost
my　first　recollections　were　of　his　carry…
ing　me　out　to　see　the　train　pass；　and
saying；　〃Toot；　toot！〃　in　imitation　of
the　locomotive；　so；　although　he　had
rather　a　splendid　name；　I　called　him
〃Toot；〃　and　the　whole　town　followed
my　example。　Yes；　the　time　had　been
when　Toot　saw　me　safe　to　school；　and
slipped　little　red　apples　into　my　pocket；
and　took　me　out　while　he　milked　the
cow；　and　told　me　stories　and　sang　me
plantation　songs。　Now；　when　he　passed；
he　only　nodded。　When　I　spoke　to　him
about　his　not　giving　me　any　more　ap…
ples；　he　said：

〃Ah　reckon　they're　your　pa's　ap…
ples；　missy。　Why；　fo'　goodness'　sake；
don'　yo'　he'p　yo'se'f？〃

But　I　did　not　want　to　help　myself。
I　wanted　to　be　helped　　not　because　I
was　lazy；　but　because　I　wanted　to　be
adored。　I　was　really　a　sort　of　fairy
princess；　　misplaced；　of　course；　in　a
stupid　republic；　　and　I　wanted　life　con…
ducted　on　a　fairy…princess　basis。　It　was
a　game　I　wished　to　play；　but　it　was　one
I　could　not　play　alone；　and　not　a　soul
could　I　find　who　seemed　inclined　to　play
it　with　me。

Well；　things　went　from　bad　to　worse。
I　decided　that　if　mother　no　longer　loved
me；　I　would　no　longer　tell　her　things。
So　I　did　not。　I　got　a　hundred　in　spell…
ing　for　twelve　days　running；　and　did
not　tell　her！　I　broke　Edna　Grantham's
mother's　water…pitcher；　and　kept　the
fact　a　secret。　The　secret　was；　indeed；
as　sharp…edged　as　the　pieces　of　the
broken　pitcher　had　been；　I　cried　under
the　bedclothes；　thinking　how　sorry　Mrs。
Grantham　had　been；　and　that　mother
really　ought　to　know。　Only　what　was
the　use？　I　no　longer　looked　to　her　to
help　me　out　of　my　troubles。

I　had　no　need　now　to　have　father　and
mother　tell　me　to　hurry　up　and　finish
my　chatter；　for　I　kept　all　that　hap…
pened　to　myself。　I　had　a　new　〃intimate
friend；〃　and　did　not　so　much　as　men…
tion　her。　I　wrote　a　poem　and　showed
it　to　my　teacher；　but　not　to　my　unin…
terested　parents。　And　when　I　climbed
the　stairs　at　night　to　my　room；　I　swelled
with　loneliness　and　anguish　and　resent…
ment；　and　the　hot　tears　came　to　my　eyes
as　I　heard　father　and　mother　laughing
and　talking　together　and　paying　no　at…
tention　to　my　misery。　I　could　hear
Toot；　who　used　to　be　making　all　sorts
of　little　presents　for　me；　whistling　as
he　brought　in　the　wood　and　water；　and
then　〃cleaned　up〃　to　go　to　see　his
Tulula；　with　never　a　thought　of　me。
And　I　said　to　myself　that　the　best　thing
I　could　do　was　to　grow　up　and　get
away　from　a　place　where　I　was　no
longer　wanted。

No　one　noticed　my　sufferings　further
than　sometimes　to　say　impatiently；
〃What　makes　you　act　so　strange；
child？〃　And　to　that；　of　course；　I　an…
swered　nothing；　for　what　I　had　to　say
would　not；　I　felt；　be　understood。

One　morning　in　June　I　left　home　with
my　resentment　burning　fiercely　within
me。　I　had　not　cared　for　the　things　we
had　for　breakfast；　for　I　was　half…ill
with　fretting　and　with　the　closeness　of
the　day；　but　my　lack　of　appetite　had
been　passed　by　with　the　remark　that
any　one　was　likely　not　to　have　an　ap…
petite　on　such　a　close　day。　But　I　was
so　languid；　and　so　averse　to　taking　up
the　usual　round　of　things；　that　I　begged
mother　to　let　me　stay　at　home。　She
shook　her　head　decidedly。

〃You've　been　out　of　school　too　many
days　already　this　term；〃　she　said。
〃Run　along　now；　or　you'll　he　late！〃

〃Please　〃　I　began；　for　my　head
really　was　whirling；　although；　quite　as
much；　perhaps；　from　my　perversity　as
from　any　other　cause。　Mother　turned
on　me　one　of　her　〃lastword〃　glances。

〃Go　to　school　without　another　word；〃
she　said；　quietly。

I　knew　that　quiet　tone；　and　I　went。
And　now　I　was　sure　that　all　was　over
between　my　parents　and　myself。　I　be…
gan　to　wonder　if　I　need　really　wait　till
I　was　grown　up　before　leaving　home。
So　miserably　absorbed　was　I　in　think…
ing　of　this；　and　in　pitying　myself　with
a　consuming　pity；　that　everything　at
school　seemed　to　pass　like　the　shadow
of　a　dream。　I　blundered　in　whatever
I　tried　to　do；　was　sharply　scolded　for
not　hearing　the　teacher　until　she　had
spoken　my　name　three　times；　and　was
holding　on　to　myself　desperately　in　my
effort　to　keep　back　a　flood　of　tears；
when　I　became　aware　that　something
was　happening。

There　suddenly　was　a　perfect　silence
in　the　room　　the　sort　of　silence　that
makes　the　heart　beat　too　fast。　　The
mist　swimming　before　me　did　not；　I　per…
ceived；　come　from　my　own　eyes；　but
from　the　changing　colour　of　the　air；　the
usual　transparency　of　which　was　being
tinged　with　yellow。　The　sultriness　of
the　day　was　deepening；　and　seemed　to
carry　a　threat　with　it。