painted windows-第5章

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will　wash；　and　the　tear　will　mend；　and
the　shoes　will　black。　Yes；　and　the
scratches　will　heal。〃

〃It　isn't　that；〃　I　sobbed。　〃Oh；　oh；
it　isn't　that！〃

〃What　is　it；　then；　for　goodness
sake？〃　asked　mother。

But　I　would　not　tell。　I　could　not
tell。　How　could　I　say　that　the　daughter
of　the　Bad　Madigans　was　the　first　real
and　satisfying　playmate　I　had　ever
had？



IV

FAME

AS　I　remember　the　boys　and　girls
who　grew　up　with　me；　I　think　of
them　as　artists；　or　actors；　or　travellers；
or　rich　merchants。　Each　of　us；　by　the
time　we　were　half　through　grammar
school；　had　selected　a　career。　So　far
as　I　recollect；　this　career　had　very　lit…
tle　to　do　with　our　abilities。　We　merely
chose　something　that　suited　us。　Our
energy　and　our　vanity　crystallised　into
particular　shapes。　There　was　a　sort　of
religion　abroad　in　the　West　at　that　time
that　a　person　could　do　almost　anything
he　set　out　to　do。　The　older　people；　as
well　as　the　children；　had　an　idea　that
the　world　was　theirs　　they　all　were
Monte　Cristos　in　that　respect。

As　for　me；　I　had　decided　to　be　an
orator。

At　the　time　of　making　this　decision；
I　was　nine　years　of　age；　decidedly　thin
and　long　drawn　out；　with　two　brown
braids　down　my　back；　and　a　terrific
shyness　which　I　occasionally　overcame
with　such　a　magnificent　splurge　that
those　who　were　not　acquainted　with　my
peculiarities　probably　thought　me　a
shamefully　assertive　child。

I　based　my　oratorical　aspirations
upon　my　having　taken　the　prize　a　num…
ber　of　times　in　Sunday…school　for　learn…
ing　the　most　New　Testament　verses；
and　upon　the　fact　that　I　always　could
make　myself　heard　to　the　farthest　cor…
ner　of　the　room。　I　also　felt　that　I　had
a　great　message　to　deliver　to　the　world
when　I　got　around　it；　though　in　this；　I
was　in　no　way　different　from　several
of　my　friends。　I　had　noticed　a　number
of　things　in　the　world　that　were　not
quite　right；　and　which　I　thought　needed
attention；　and　I　believed　that　if　I　were
quite　good　and　studied　elocution；　in　a
little　while　I　should　be　able　to　set　my
part　of　the　world　right；　and　perhaps
even　extend　my　influence　to　adjoining
districts。

Meantime　I　practised　terrible　vocal
exercises；　chiefly　consisting　of　a　rau…
cous　〃caw〃　something　like　a　crow's
favourite　remark；　and　advocated　by　my
teacher　in　elocution　for　no　reason　that
I　can　now　remember；　and　I　stood　be…
fore　the　glass　for　hours　at　a　time　mak…
ing　grimaces　so　as　to　acquire　the　〃ac…
tor's　face；〃　till　my　frightened　little　sis…
ters　implored　me　to　turn　back　into　my…
self　again。

It　was　a　great　day　for　me　when　I
was　asked　to　participate　in　the　Harvest
Home　Festival　at　our　church　on
Thanksgiving　Day。　I　looked　upon　it　as
the　beginning　of　my　career；　and　bought
crimping　papers　so　that　my　hair　could
be　properly　fluted。　Of　course；　I　wanted
a　new　dress　for　the　occasion；　and　I
spent　several　days　in　planning　the　kind
of　a　one　I　thought　best　suited　to　such　a
memorable　event。　I　even　picked　out　the
particular　lace　pattern　I　wanted　for　the
ruffles。　This　was　before　I　submitted　the
proposition　to　Mother；　however。　When
I　told　her　about　it　she　said　she　could
see　no　use　in　getting　a　new　dress　and
going　to　all　the　trouble　of　making　it
when　my　white　one　with　the　green
harps　was　perfectly　good。

This　was　such　an　unusual　dress　and
had　gone　through　so　many　vicissitudes；
that　I　really　was　devotedly　attached　to
it。　It　had；　in　the　beginning；　belonged
to　my　Aunt　Bess；　and　in　the　days　of
its　first　glory　had　been　a　sheer　Irish
linen　lawn；　with　tiny　green　harps　on　it
at　agreeable　intervals。　　But　in　the
course　of　time；　it　had　to　be　sent　to　the
wash…tub；　and　then；　behold；　all　the　lit…
tle　lovely　harps　followed　the　example
of　the　harp　that　〃once　through　Tara's
hall　the　soul　of　music　shed；〃　and　dis…
appeared！　Only　vague；　dirty；　yellow
reminders　of　their　beauty　remained；
not　to　decorate；　but　to　disfigure　the
fine　fabric。

Aunt　Bess；　naturally　enough；　felt　ir…
ritated；　and　she　gave　the　goods　to
mother；　saying　that　she　might　be　able
to　boil　the　yellow　stains　out　of　it　and
make　me　a　dress。　I　had　gone　about
many　a　time；　like　love　amid　the　ruins；
in　the　fragments　of　Aunt　Bess's　splen…
dour；　and　I　was　not　happy　in　the
thought　of　dangling　these　dimmed　re…
minders　of　Ireland's　past　around　with
me。　But　mother　said　she　thought　I'd
have　a　really　truly　white　Sunday　best
dress　out　of　it　by　the　time　she　was
through　with　it。　So　she　prepared　a
strong　solution　of　sodium　and　things；
and　boiled　the　breadths；　and　every　little
green　harp　came　dancing　back　as　if
awaiting　the　hand　of　a　new　Dublin　poet。
The　green　of　them　was　even　more
charming　than　it　had　been　at　first；　and
I；　as　happy　as　if　I　had　acquired　the
golden　harp　for　which　I　then　vaguely
longed；　went　to　Sunday…school　all　that
summer　in　this　miraculous　dress　of
now…you…see…them…and…now…you…don't；
and　became　so　used　to　being　asked　if　I
were　Irish　that　my　heart　exulted　when
I　found　that　I　might　　fractionally　
claim　to　be；　and　that　one　of　the　Fenian
martyrs　had　been　an　ancestor。　For　a
year；　even；　after　that　discovery　of　the
Fenian　martyr；　ancestors　were　a　fa…
vorite　study　of　mine。

Well；　though　the　dress　became　some…
thing　more　than　familiar　to　the　eyes
of　my　associates；　I　was　so　attached　to
it　that　I　felt　no　objection　to　wearing
it　on　the　great　occasion；　and；　that　be…
ing　settled；　all　that　remained　was　to
select　the　piece　which　was　to　reveal　my
talents　to　a　hitherto　unappreciative　
or；　perhaps　I　should　say；　unsuspecting
　group　of　friends　and　relatives。　It
seemed　to　me　that　I　knew　better　than
my　teacher　（who　had　agreed　to　select
the　pieces　for　her　pupils）　possibly
could　what　sort　of　a　thing　best　repre…
sented　my　talents；　and　so；　after　some
thought；　I　selected　〃Antony　and　Cleo…
patra；〃　and　as　I　lagged　along　the　too…
familiar　road　to　school；　avoiding　the
companionship　of　my　acquaintances；　I
repeated：


I　am　dying；　Egypt；　dying！
　　　Ebbs　the　crimson　life…tide　fast；
And　the　dark　Plutonian　shadows
　　　Gather　on　the　evening　blast。


Sometimes　I　grew　so　impassioned；　so
heedless　of　all　save　my　mimic　sorrow
and　the　swing　of　the　purple　lines；　that
I　could　not　bring　myself　to　modify　my
voice；　and　the　passers…by　heard　my
shrill　tones　vibrating　with：


As　for　thee；　star…eyed　Egyptian！
　　　Glorious　sorceress　of　the　Nile！
Light　the　path　to　Stygian　horrors
　　　With　the　splendour　of　thy　smile。


I　wiped　dishes　to　the　rhythm　of　such
phrases　as　〃scarred　and　veteran　le…
gions；〃　and　laced　my　shoes　to　the　music
of　〃Though　no　glittering　guards　sur…
round　me。〃

Confident　that　no　one　could　fail　to
see　the　beauty　of　these　lines；　or　the　pro…
priety　of　the　identification　of　myself
with　Antony；　I　called　upon　my　Sunday…
school　teacher；　Miss　Goss；　to　report。　I
never　had　thought　of　Miss　Goss　as　a
blithe　spirit。　She　was　associated　in　my
mind　with　numerous　solemn　occasions；
and　I　was　surprised　to　find　that　on　this
day　she　unexpectedly　developed　a　trait
of　breaking　into　nervous　laughter。　I
had　got　as　far　as　〃Should　the　base　ple…
beian　rabble　〃　when　Miss　Goss　broke
down　in　what　I　could　not　but　regard　as
a　fit　of　giggles；　and　I　ceased　abruptly。

She　pulled　herself　together　after　a
moment　or　two；　and　said　if　I　would　fol…
low　her　to　the　library　she　thought　she
could　find　something　　here　she　hesi…
tated；　to　conclude　with；　〃more　within
the　understanding　of　the　other　chil…
dren。〃　I　saw　that　she　thought　my　feel…
ings　were　hurt；　and　as　I　passed　a　mir…
ror　I　feared　she　had　some　reason　to
think　so。　My　face　was　uncommonly
flushed；　and　a　look　of　indignation　had
crept；　somehow；　even　into　my　braids；
which；　having　been　plaited　too　tightly；
stuck　out　in　crooks　and　kinks　from　the
side　of　my　head。　Incidentally；　I　was
horrified　to　notice　how　thin　I　was　
thin；　even　for　a　dying　Antony　　and　my
frock　was　so　outgrown　that　it　hardly
covered　my　knees。　〃Ridiculous！〃　I
said　under　my　breath；　as　I　confronted
this　miserable　figure　　so　shamefully　in…
significant　for　the　vicarious　emotions
which　it　had　been　housing。　〃Ridicu…
lous！〃

I　hated　Miss　Goss；　and　must　have
shown　it　in　my　stony　stare；　for　she　put
her　arm　around　me　and　said　it　was　a
pity　I　had　been　to　all　the　trouble　to
learn　a　poem　which　was　　well；　a　trifle
too　　too　old　　but　that　she　hoped　to　find
something　equally　〃pretty〃　for　me　to
speak。　At　the　use　of　that　adjective　in
connection　with　William　Lytle's　lines；　I
wrenched　away　from　her　grasp　and
stood　in　what　I　was　pleased　to　think　a
haughty　calm；　awaiting　her　directions。

She　took　from　the　shelves　a　little　vol…
ume　of　Whittier；　bound　in　calf；　hand…
ling　it　as　tenderly　as　if　it　were　a　price…
less　possession。　Some　pressed　violets
dropped　out　as　she　opened　it；　and　she
replaced　them　with　devotional　fingers。
After　some　time　she　decided　upon　a
lyric　lament　entitled　〃Eva。〃　I　was
asked　to　run　over　the　verses；　and　found
them　remarkably　easy　to　learn；　fatally
impossible　to　forget。　I　presently　arose
and　with　an　impish　betrayal　of　the　pov…
erty　of　rhyme　and　the　plethora　of　sen…
timent；　repeated　the　thing　relentlessly。


O　for　faith　like　thine；　sweet　Eva；

Lighting　all　the　solemn　reevah　＇river＇；

And　the　blessings　of　the　poor；

Wafting　to　the　heavenly　shoor　＇shore＇。


〃I　do　think；〃　said　Miss　Goss　gently；
〃that　if　you　tried；　my　child；　you　might
manage　the　rhymes　just　a　little　better。〃


〃But　if　you're　born　in　Michigan；〃　I
protested；　〃how　can　you　possibly　make
'Eva'　rhyme　with　'never'　and　'be…
liever'？〃

〃Perhaps　it　is　a　little　hard；〃　Miss
Goss　agreed；　and　still　clinging　to　her
Whittier；　she　exhumed　〃The　Pump…
kin；〃　which　she　thought　precisely　fitted
for　our　Harvest　Home　festival。　This
was　quite　another　thing　from　〃Eva；〃
and　I　saw　that　only　hours　of　study
would　fix　it　in　my　mind。　I　went　to　my
home；　therefore；　with　〃The　Pumpkin〃
delicately　transcribed　in　Miss　Goss's
running　hand；　and　I　tried　to　get　some
comfort　from　the　foreign　allusions　glit…
tering　through　Whittier's　kindly　verse。
As　the　days　went　by　I　came　to　have　a
certain　fondness　for　those　homely　lines：

O　　fruit　loved　of　boyhood！　　the　old　days　re…

calling；
When　wood　grapes　were　purpling　and　brown

nuts　were　falling！
When　wild；　ugly　faces　we　carved　in　the　skin；
Glaring　out　through　the　dark　with　a　candle

within！
When　we　laughed　round　the　corn…heap；　with

hearts　all　in　tune；
Our　chair　a　broad　pumpkin　　our　lantern　the

moon；
Telling　tales　of　the　fairy　who　travelled　like

steam
In　a　pumpkin…shell　coach；　with　two　rats　for　her

team！


On　all　sides　this　poem　was　considered
very　fitting；　and　I　went　to　the　festival
with　that　comfortable　feeling　one　has
when　one　is　moving　with　the　majority
and　is　wearing　one's　best　clothes。

I　sat　rigid　with　expectancy　while　my
schoolmates　spoke　their　〃pieces〃　and
sang　their　songs。　With　frozen　faces
they　faced　each　other　in　dialogues；　lost
their　quavering　voices；　and　stumbled
down　the　stairs　in　their　anguish　of
spirit。　I　pitied　them；　and　thought　how
lucky　it　was　that　my　memory　never
failed　me；　and　that　my　voice　carried　so
well　that　I　could　arouse　even　old　Elder
Waite　from　his　slumbers。

Then　my　turn　came。　My　crimps
were　beautiful；　the　green　harps　danced
on　my　freshly…ironed　frock；　and　I　had
on　my　new　chain　and　locket。　I　relied
upon　a　sor