painted windows-第7章

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idea　　the　idea　of　sin。　I　wished　to　be
left　to　myself　till　I　could　think　out　what
it　meant。　I　believed　I　could　do　that　by
night；　and；　after　I　had　got　to　the　root
of　the　matter；　I　could　cast　the　whole
ugly　thing　out　of　my　soul　and　be　good
all　the　rest　of　my　life。

There　was　a　large　upholstered　chair
standing　in　front　of　me；　and　I　put　my
head　down　on　the　seat　of　that　and
thought　and　thought。　My　thoughts
reached　so　far　that　I　grew　frightened；
and　I　was　relieved　when　I　felt　the　little
soft　grey　veils　drawing　about　me　which
I　knew　meant　sleep。　It　seemed　to　me
that　I　really　ought　to　weep　　that　the
circumstances　were　such　that　I　should
weep。　But　sleep　was　sweeter　than
tears；　and　not　only　the　pain　in　my　mind
but　the　jar　and　bruise　of　my　body
seemed　to　demand　that　oblivion。　So　I
gave　way　to　the　impulse；　and　the　grey
veils　wrapped　around　and　around　me
as　a　spider's　web　enwraps　a　fly。　And
for　hours　I　knew　nothing。

When　I　awoke　it　was　the　close　of　day。
Long　tender　shadows　lay　across　the
fields；　the　sky　had　that　wonderful　clear…
ness　and　kindness　which　is　like　a　hu…
man　eye；　and　the　soft　wind　puffing　in
at　the　window　was　sweet　with　field
fragrance。　A　glass　of　milk　and　a　plate
with　two　slices　of　bread　lay　on　the　win…
dow　sill　by　me；　as　if　some　one　had
placed　them　there　from　the　outside。　I
could　hear　birds　settling　down　for　the
night；　and　cheeping　drowsily　to　each
other。　My　cat　came　on　the　scene　and；
seeing　me；　looked　at　me　with　serious；
expanding　eyes；　twitched　her　whiskers
cynically；　and　passed　on。　Presently　I
heard　the　voices　of　my　family。　They
were　re…entering　the　sitting…room。　Sup…
per　was　over　　supper；　with　its　cold
meats　and　shining　jellies；　its　〃floating
island〃　and　its　fig　cake。　I　could　hear
a　voice　that　was　new　to　me。　It　was
deeper　than　my　mother's；　and　its　ac…
cent　was　different。　It　was　the　sort　of
a　voice　that　made　you　feel　that　its
owner　had　talked　with　many　different
kinds　of　people；　and　had　contrived　to
hold　her　own　with　all　of　them。　I　knew
it　belonged　to　Aunt　Cordelia。　And　now
that　I　was　not　to　see　her；　I　felt　my　curi…
osity　arising　in　me。　I　wanted　to　look
at　her；　and　still　more　I　wished　to　ask
her　about　goodness。　She　was　rich　and
good！　Was　one　the　result　of　the　other？
And　which　came　first？　I　dimly　per…
ceived　that　if　there　had　been　more
money　in　our　house　there　would　have
been　more　help；　and　I　would　not　have
been　led　into　temptation　　baby　would
not　have　been　left　too　long　upon　my
hands。　However；　after　a　few　moments
of　self…pity；　I　rejected　this　thought。　I
knew　I　really　was　to　blame；　and　it　oc…
curred　to　me　that　I　would　add　to　my
faults　if　I　tried　to　put　the　blame　on　any…
body　else。

Now　that　the　first　shock　was　over　and
that　my　sleep　had　refreshed　me；　I　be…
gan　to　see　what　terrible　sorrow　had
been　mine　if　the　fall　had　really　injured
Julie；　and　a　sudden　thought　shook　me。
She　might；　after　all；　have　been　hurt　in
some　way　that　would　show　itself　later
on。　I　yearned　to　look　upon　her；　to　see
if　all　her　sweetness　and　softness　was　in…
tact。　It　seemed　to　me　that　if　I　could
not　see　her　the　rising　grief　in　me　would
break；　and　I　would　sob　aloud。　I　didn't
want　to　do　that。　I　had　no　notion　to
call　any　attention　to　myself　whatever；
but　see　the　baby　I　must。　So；　softly；
and　like　a　thief；　I　opened　the　door　com…
municating　with　the　little　dressing…
room　in　which　Julie's　cradle　stood。　The
curtain　had　been　drawn　and　it　was　al…
most　dark；　but　I　found　my　way　to
Julie's　bassinet。　I　could　not　quite　see
her；　but　the　delicate　odour　of　her
breath　came　up　to　me；　and　I　found　her
little　hand　and　slipped　my　finger　in　it。
It　was　gripped　in　a　baby　pressure；　and
I　stood　there　enraptured；　feeling　as　if
a　flower　had　caressed　me。　I　was
thrilled　through　and　through　with　hap…
piness；　and　with　love　for　this　little　crea…
ture；　whom　my　selfishness　might　have
destroyed。　There　was　nothing　in　what
had　happened　during　this　moment　or
two　when　I　stood　by　her　side　to　assure
me　that　all　was　well　with　her；　but　I　did
so　believe；　and　I　said　over　and　over：
〃Thank　you；　God！　Thank　you；　God！〃

And　now　my　tears　began　to　flow。
They　came　in　a　storm　　a　storm　I　could
not　control；　and　I　fled　back　to　mother's
room；　and　stood　there　before　the　west
window　weeping　as　I　never　had　wept
before。

The　quiet　loveliness　of　the　closing
day　had　passed　into　the　splendour　of
the　afterglow。　Mighty　wings　as　of
bright　angels；　pink　and　shining　white；
reached　up　over　the　sky。　The　vault　was
purple　above　me；　and　paled　to　lilac；　then
to　green　of　unimaginable　tenderness。
Now　I　quenched　my　tears　to　look；　and
then　I　wept　again；　weeping　no　more　for
sorrow　and　loneliness　and　shame　than
for　gratitude　and　delight　in　beauty。　So
fair　a　world！　What　had　sin　to　do　with
it？　I　could　not　make　it　out。

The　shining　wings　grew　paler；　faded；
then　darkened；　the　melancholy　sound
of　cow…bells　stole　up　from　the　common。
The　birds　were　still；　a　low　wind　rustled
the　trees。　I　sat　thinking　my　young
〃night　thoughts〃　of　how　marvellous　it
was　for　the　sun　to　set；　to　rise；　to　keep
its　place　in　heaven　　of　how　wrapped
about　with　mysteries　we　were。　What
if　the　world　should　start　to　falling
through　space？　Where　would　it　land？
Was　there　even　a　bottom　to　the　uni…
verse？　〃World　without　end〃　might
mean　that　there　was　neither　an　end　to
space　nor　yet　to　time。　I　shivered　at
thought　of　such　vastness。

Suddenly　light　streamed　about　me；
warm　arms　enfolded　me。

〃Mother！〃　I　murmured；　and　slipped
from　the　unknown　to　the　dear　familiar…
ity　of　her　shoulder。

It　was；　I　soon　perceived；　a　silk…clad
shoulder。　Mother　had　on　her　best
dress；　nay；　she　wore　her　coral　pin　and
ear…rings。　Her　lace　collar　was　scented
with　Jockey　Club；　and　her　neck；　into
which　I　was　burrowing；　had　the　inde…
scribable　something　that　was　not　quite
odour；　not　all　softness；　but　was　com…
pounded　of　these　and　meant　mother。
She　said　little　to　me　as　she　drew　me
away　and　bathed　my　face；　brushed　and
plaited　my　hair；　and　put　on　my　clean
frock。　But　we　felt　happy　together。　I
knew　she　was　as　glad　to　forgive　as　I
was　to　be　forgiven。

In　a　little　while　she　led　me；　blinking；
into　the　light。　A　tall　stranger；　a　lady
in　prune…coloured　silk；　sat　in　the　high…
backed　chair。

〃This　is　my　eldest　girl；　Aunt　Cor…
delia；〃　said　my　mother。　I　went　for…
ward　timidly；　wondering　if　I　were
really　going　to　be　greeted　by　this　per…
son　who　must　have　heard　such　terrible
reports　of　me。　I　found　myself　caught
by　the　hands　and　drawn　into　the　em…
brace　of　this　new；　grand　acquaintance。

〃Well；　I've　been　wanting　to　see
you；〃　said　the　rich；　kind　voice。　〃They
say　you　look　as　I　did　at　your　age。　They
say　you　are　like　me！〃

Like　her　　who　was　good！　But　no
one　referred　to　this　difference　or　said
anything　about　my　sins。　When　we　were
sorry；　was　evil；　then；　forgotten　and　sin
forgiven？　A　weight　as　of　iron　dropped
from　my　spirit。　I　sank　with　a　sigh　on
the　hassock　at　my　aunt's　feet。　I　was
once　more　a　member　of　society。



VI

TRAVEL

IT　was　time　to　say　good…bye。

I　had　been　down　to　my　little
brother's　grave　and　watered　the　sorrel
that　grew　on　it　　I　thought　it　was　sor…
row；　and　so　tended　it；　and　I　had　walked
around　the　house　and　said　good…bye　to
every　window；　and　to　the　robin's　nest；
and　to　my　playhouse　in　the　shed。　I
had　put　a　clean　ribbon　on　the　cat's　neck；
and　kissed　my　doll；　and　given　presents
to　my　little　sisters。　Now；　shivering　be…
neath　my　new　grey　jacket　in　the　chill
of　the　May　morning　air；　I　stood　ready
to　part　with　my　mother。　She　was　a
little　flurried　with　having　just　ironed
my　pinafores　and　collars；　and　with　hav…
ing　put　the　last　hook　on　my　new　Stuart
plaid　frock；　and　she　looked　me　over
with　rather　an　anxious　eye。　As　for　me；
I　thought　my　clothes　charming；　and　I
loved　the　scarlet　quill　in　my　grey　hat；
and　the　set　of　my　new　shoes。　I　hoped；
above　all；　that　no　one　would　notice　that
I　was　trembling　and　lay　it　down　to　fear。

Of　course；　I　had　been　away　before。
It　was　not　the　first　time　I　had　left
everything　to　take　care　of　itself。　But
this　time　I　was　going　alone；　and　that
gave　rather　a　different　aspect　to　things。
To　go　into　the　country　for　a　few　days；
or　even　to　Detroit；　in　the　company　of
a　watchful　parent；　might　be　called　a
〃visit〃；　but　to　go　alone；　partly　by
train　and　partly　by　stage；　and　to　arrive
by　one's　self；　amounted　to　〃travel。〃　I
had　an　aunt　who　had　travelled；　and　I
felt　this　morning　that　love　of　travel
ran　in　the　family。　Probably　even
Aunt　Cordelia　had　been　a　trifle　nervous；
at　first；　when　she　started　out　for　Ha…
waii；　say；　or　for　Egypt。

Mother　and　I　were　both　fearful　that
the　driver　of　the　station　'bus　hadn't
really　understood　that　he　was　to　call。
First　she　would　ask　father；　and　then　I
would　ask　him；　if　he　was　quite　sure　the
man　understood；　and　father　said　that
if　the　man　could　understand　English
at　all　　and　he　supposed　he　could　　he
had　understood　that。　Father　was　right
about　it；　too；　for　just　when　we　　that　is；
mother　and　I　　were　almost　giving　up；
the　'bus　horses　swung　in　the　big　gate
and　came　pounding　up　the　drive　be…
tween　the　Lombardy　poplars；　which
were　out　in　their　yellow…green　spring
dress。　They　were　a　bay　team　with　a
yellow　harness　which　clinked　splendidly
with　bone　rings；　and　the　'bus　was　as
yellow　as　a　pumpkin；　and　shaped　not
unlike　one；　so　that　I　gave　it　my　instant
approval。　It　was　precisely　the　sort　of
vehicle　in　which　I　would　have　chosen
to　go　away。　So　absorbed　was　I　in　it
that；　though　I　must　have　kissed　mother；
I　have　really　no　recollection　of　it；　and
it　was　only　when　we　were　swinging　out
of　the　gate；　and　I　looked　back　and　saw
her　standing　in　the　door　watching　us；
that　a　terrible　pang　came　over　me；　so
that　for　one　crazy　moment　I　thought
I　was　going　to　jump　out　and　run　back
to　her。

But　I　held　on　to　father's　hand　and
turned　my　face　away　from　home　with
all　the　courage　I　could　summon；　and　we
went　on　through　the　town　and　out
across　a　lonely　stretch　of　country　to　the
railroad。　For　we　were　an　obstinate　lit…
tle　town；　and　would　not　build　up　to　the
railroad　because　the　railroad　had　re…
fused　to　run　up　to　us。　It　was　a　new
station　with　a　fine　echo　in　it；　and　the
man　who　called　out　the　trains　had　a
beautiful　voice　for　echoes。　It　was　cre…
ated　to　inspire　them　and　to　encourage
them；　and　I　stood　fascinated　by　the
thunderous　noises　he　was　making　till
father　seized　me　by　the　hand　and　thrust
me　into　the　care　of　the　train　conductor。
They　said　something　to　each　other　in
the　sharp；　explosive　way　men　have；　and
the　conductor　took　me　to　a　seat　and
told　me　I　was　his　girl　for　the　time　be…
ing；　and　to　stay　right　there　till　he　came
for　me　at　my　station。

What　amazed　me　was　that　the　car
should　be　full　of　people。　I　could　not
imagine　where　they　all　could　be　going。
It　was　all　very　well　for　me；　who　be…
longed　to　a　family　of　travellers　　as　wit…
ness　Aunt　Cordelia　　to　be　going　on　a
journey；　but　for　these　others；　these
many；　many　others；　to　be　wandering
around；　heaven　knows　where；　struck　me
as　being　not　right。　It　seemed　to　take
somewhat　from　the　glory　of　my　adven…
ture。

However；　I　noticed　that　most　of　them
looked　poor。　Their　clothes　were　old
and　ugly；　their　faces　not　those　of　pleas…
ure…seekers。　It　was　very　difficult　to
imagine　that　they　could　afford　a　jour…