a new england girlhood-第31章

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ompany　when　the　steamboat　landed　at　Saint　Louis　was　like　the　ending　of　a　pleasant　dream。　We　had　to　wake　up　to　the　fact　that　by　striking　due　east　thirty　or　forty　miles　across　that　monotonous　Greenness；　we　should　reach　our　destination；　and　must　accept　whatever　we　should　find　there；　with　such　grace　as　we　could。

What　we　did　find；　and　did　not　find；　there　is　not　room　fully　to　relate　here。　Ours　was　at　first　the　roughest　kind　of　pioneering　experience；　such　as　persons　brought　up　in　our　well…to…do　New　England　could　not　be　in　the　least　prepared　for；　though　they　might　imagine　they　were；　as　we　did。　We　were　dropped　down　finally　upon　a　vast　green　expense；　extending　hundreds　of　miles　north　and　south　through　the　State　of　Illinois；　then　known　as　Looking…Glass　Prairie。　The　nearest　cabin　to　our　own　was　about　a　mile　away；　and　so　small　that　at　that　distance　it　looked　like　a　shingle　set　up　endwise　in　the　grass。　Nothing　else　was　in　sight；　not　even　a　tree；　although　we　could　see　miles　and　miles　in　every　direction。　There　were　only　the　hollow　blue　heavens　above　us　and　the　level　green　prairie　around　us；an　immensity　of　intense　loneliness。　We　seldom　saw　a　cloud　in　the　sky；　and　never　a　pebble　beneath　our　feet。　If　we　could　have　picked　up　the　commonest　one；　we　should　have　treasured　it　like　a　diamond。　Nothing　in　nature　now　seemed　so　beautiful　to　us　as　rocks。　We　had　never　dreamed　of　a　world　without　them；　it　seemed　like　living　on　a　floor　without　walls　or　foundations。

After　a　while　we　became　accustomed　to　the　vast　sameness；　and　even　liked　it　in　a　lukewarm　way。　And　there　were　times　when　it　filled　us　with　emotions　of　grandeur。　Boundlessness　in　itself　is　impressive；　it　makes　us　feel　our　littleness；　and　yet　releases　us　from　that　littleness。

The　grass　was　always　astir；　blowing　one　way；　like　the　waves　of　the　sea；　for　there　was　a　steady；　almost　an　unvarying　wind　from　the　south。　It　was　like　the　sea；　and　yet　even　more　wonderful；　for　it　was　a　sea　of　living　and　growing　things。　The　Spirit　of　God　was　moving　upon　the　face　of　the　earth；　and　breathing　everything　into　life。　We　were　but　specks　on　the　great　landscape。　But　God　was　above　it　all；　penetrating　it　and　us　with　his　infinite　warmth。　The　distance　from　human　beings　made　the　Invisible　One　seem　so　near！　Only　Nature　and　ourselves　now；　face　to　face　with　Him！

We　could　scarcely　have　found　in　all　the　world　a　more　complete　contrast　to　the　moving　crowds　and　the　whir　and　dust　of　the　City　of　Spindles；　than　this　unpeopled；　silent　prairie。

For　myself；　I　know　that　I　was　sent　in　upon　my　own　thoughts　deeper　than　I　had　ever　been　before。　I　began　to　question　things　which　I　had　never　before　doubted。　I　must　have　reality。　Nothing　but　transparent　truth　would　bear　the　test　of　this　great；　solitary　stillness。　As　the　prairies　lay　open　to　the　sunshine；　my　heart　seemed　to　lie　bare　beneath　the　piercing　eye　of　the　All…Seeing。　I　may　say　with　gratitude　that　only　some　superficial　rubbish　of　acquired　opinion　was　scorched　away　by　this　searching　light　and　heat。　The　faith　of　my　childhood；　in　its　simplest　elements；　took　firmer　root　as　it　found　broader　room　to　grow　in。

I　had　many　peculiar　experiences　in　my　log…cabin　school…teaching；　which　was　seldom　more　than　three　months　in　one　place。　Only　once　I　found　myself　among　New　England　people；　and　there　I　remained　a　year　or　more；　fairly　reveling　in　a　return　to　the　familiar；　thrifty　ways　that　seem　to　me　to　shape　a　more　comfortable　style　of　living　than　any　under　the　sun。　〃Vine　Lodge〃　（so　we　named　the　cottage　for　its　embowering　honey…suckles）；　and　its　warm…hearted　inmates；　with　my　little　white　schoolhouse　under　the　oaks；　make　one　of　the　brightest　of　my　Western　memories。

Only　a　mile　or　two　away　from　this　pretty　retreat　there　was　an　edifice　towards　which　I　often　looked　with　longing。　It　was　a　seminary　for　young　women；　probably　at　that　time　one　of　the　best　in　the　country；　certainly　second　to　none　in　the　West。　It　had　originated　about　a　dozen　years　before；　in　a　plan　for　Western　collegiate　education；　organized　by　Yale　College　graduates。　It　was　thought　that　women　as　well　as　men　ought　to　share　in　the　benefits　of　such　a　plan；　and　the　result　was　Monticello　Seminary。　The　good　man　whose　wealth　had　made　the　institution　a　possibility　lived　in　the　neighborhood。　Its　trustees　were　of　the　best　type　of　pioneer　manhood；　and　its　pupils　came　from　all　parts　of　the　South　and　West。

Its　PrincipalI　wonder　now　that　I　could　have　lived　so　near　her　for　a　year　without　becoming　acquainted　with　her；but　her　high　local　reputation　as　an　intellectual　woman　inspired　me　with　awe；　and　I　was　foolishly　diffident。　One　day；　however；　upon　the　persuasion　of　my　friends　at　Vine　Lodge；　who　knew　my　wishes　for　a　higher　education；　I　went　with　them　to　call　upon　her。　We　talked　about　the　matter　which　had　been　in　my　thoughts　so　long；　and　she　gave　me　not　only　a　cordial　but　an　urgent　invitation　to　come　and　enroll　myself　as　a　student。　There　were　arrangements　for　those　who　could　not　incur　the　current　expenses；　to　meet　them　by　doing　part　of　the　domestic　work；　and　of　these　I　gladly　availed　myself。　The　stately　limestone　edifice；　standing　in　the　midst　of　an　original　growth　of　forest…trees；　two　or　three　miles　from　the　Mississippi　River；　became　my　home　my　student…homefor　three　years。　The　benefits　of　those　three　years　I　have　been　reaping　ever　since；　I　trust　not　altogether　selfishly。　It　was　always　my　desire　and　my　ambition　as　a　teacher；　to　help　my　pupils　as　my　teachers　had　helped　me。

The　course　of　study　at　Monticello　Seminary　was　the　broadest；　the　most　college…like；　that　I　have　ever　known；　and　I　have　had　experience　since　in　several　institutions　of　the　kind。　The　study　of　mediaeval　and　modern　history；　and　of　the　history　of　modern　philosophy；　especially；　opened　new　vistas　to　me。　In　these　our　Principal　was　also　our　teacher；　and　her　method　was　to　show　us　the　tendencies　of　thought；　to　put　our　minds　into　the　great　current　of　human　affairs；　leaving　us　to　collect　details　as　we　could；　then　or　afterward。　We　came　thus　to　feel　that　these　were　life…long　studies；　as　indeed　they　are。

The　course　was　somewhat　elective；　but　her　advice　to　me　was；　not　to　omit　anything　because　I　did　not　like　it。　I　had　a　natural　distaste　for　mathematics；　and　my　recollections　of　my　struggles　with　trigonometry　and　conic　sections　are　not　altogether　those　of　a　conquering　heroine。　But　my　teacher　told　me　that　my　mind　had　need　of　just　that　exact　sort　of　discipline；　and　I　think　she　was　right。

A　habit　of　indiscriminate；　unsystematized　reading；　such　as　I　had　fallen　into；　is　entirely　foreign　to　the　scholarly　habit　of　mind。　Attention　is　the　secret　of　real　acquirement；　but　it　was　months　before　I　could　command　my　own　attention；　even　when　I　was　interested　in　the　subject　I　was　examining。　It　seemed　as　if　all　the　pages　of　all　the　books　I　had　ever　read　were　turning　themselves　over　between　me　and　this　one　page　that　I　wanted　to　understand。　I　found　that　mere　reading　does　not　by　any　means　make　a　student。

It　was　more　to　me　to　come　into　communication　with　my　wise　teacher　as　a　friend　than　even　to　receive　the　wisdom　she　had　to　impart。　She　was　dignified　and　reticent；　but　beneath　her　reserve；　as　is　often　the　case；　was　a　sealed　fountain　of　sympathy；　which　one　who　had　the　key　could　easily　unlock。　Thinking　of　her　nobleness　of　character；　her　piety；　her　learning；　her　power；　and　her　sweetness；　it　seems　to　me　as　if　I　had　once　had　a　Christian　Zenobia　or　Hypatia　for　my　teacher。

We　speak　with　awed　tenderness　of　our　unseen　guardian　angels；　but　have　we　not　all　had　our　guiding　angels；　who　came　to　us　in　visible　form；　and；　recognized　or　unknown；　kept　beside　us　on　our　difficult　path　until　they　had　done　for　us　all　they　could？　It　seems　to　me　as　if　one　had　succeeded　another　by　my　side　all　through　the　years；　always　some　one　whose　influence　made　my　heart　stronger　and　my　way　clearer；　though　sometimes　it　has　been　only　a　little　child　that　came　and　laid　its　hand　into　my　hand　as　if　I　were　its　guide；　instead　of　its　being　mine。

My　dear　and　honored　Lady…Principal　was　surely　one　of　my　strong　guiding　angels；　sent　to　meet　me　as　I　went　to　meet　her　upon　my　life…road；　just　at　the　point　where　I　most　needed　her。　For　the　one　great　thing　she　gave　her　pupils；scope；　often　quite　left　out　of　woman's　education；I　especially　thank　her。　The　true　education　is　to　go　on　forever。　But　how　can　there　be　any　hopeful　going　on　without　outlook？　And　having　an　infinite　outlook；　how　can　progress　ever　cease？　It　was　worth　while　for　me　to　go　to　those　Western　prairies；　if　only　for　the　broader　mental　view　that　opened　upon　me　in　my　pupilage　there。

During　my　first　year　at　the　seminary　I　was　appointed　teacher　of　the　Preparatory　Department；a　separate　school　of　thirty　or　forty　girls；with　the　opportunity　to　go　on　with　my　studies　at　the　same　time。　It　was　a　little　hard；　but　I　was　very　glad　to　do　it；　as　I　was　unwilling　to　receive　an　education　without　rendering　an　equivalent；　and　I　did　not　wish　to　incur　a　debt。

I　believe　that　the　postponement　of　these　maturer　studies　to　my　early　womanhood；　after　I　had　worked　and　taught；　was　a　benefit　to　me。　I　had　found　out　some　of　my　special　ignorances；　what　the　things　were　which　I　most　needed　to　know。　I　had　learned　that　the　book…knowledge　I　so　much　craved　was　not　itself　education；　was　not　even　culture；　but　only　a　help；　an　adjunct　to　both。　As　I　studied　more　earnestly；　I　cared　for　fewer　books；　but　those　few　made　themselves　indispensable。　It　still　seems　to　me　that　in　the　Lowell　mills；　and　in　my　log…cabin　schoolhouse　on　the　Western　prairies；　I　received　the　best　part　of　my　early　education。

The　great　advantage　of　a　seminary　course　to　me　was　that　under　my　broad…minded　Principal　I　learned　what　education　really　is：　the　penetrating　deeper　and　rising　higher　into　life；　as　well　as　making　continually　wider　explorations；　the　rounding　of　the　whole　human　being　out　of　its　nebulous　elements　into　form；　as　planets　and　suns　are　rounded；　until　they　give　out　safe　and　steady　light。　This　makes　the　process　an　infinite　one；　not　possible　to　be　completed　at　any　school。

Returning　from　the　West　immediately　after　my　graduation；　I　was　for　ten　years　or　so　a　teacher　of　young　girls　in　seminaries　much　like　my　own　Alma　Mater。　The　best　result　to　me　of　that　experience　has　been　the　friendship　of　my　pupils；a　happiness　which　must　last　as　long　as　life　itself。

A　book　must　end　somewhere；　and　the　natural　boundary　of　this　narrative　is　drawn　with　my　leaving　New　England　for　the　West。　I　was　to　outline　the　story　of　my　youth　for　the　young；　though　I　think　many　a　one　among　them　might　tell　a　story　far　more　interesting　than　mine。　The　most　beautiful　lives　seldom　find　their　way　into　print。　Perhaps　the　most　beautiful　part　of　any　life　never　does。　I　should　like　to　flatter　myself　so。

I　could　not　stay　at　the　West。　It　was　never　really　home　to　me　there；　and　my　sojourn　of　six　or　seven　years　on　the　prairies　only　deepened　my　love　and　longing　for　the　dear　old　State　of　Massachusetts。　I　came　back　in　the　summer　of　1852；　and　the　unwritten　remainder　of　my　sketch　is　chiefly　that　of　a　teacher's　and　writer's　experience；　regarding　which　latter　I　will　add；　for　the　gratification　of　those　who　have　desired　them；　a　few　personal　particulars。

While　a　student　and　teacher　at　the　West　I　was　still　writing；　and　much　that　I　wrote　was　published。　A　poem　printed　in　〃Sartain's　Magazine；〃　sent　there　at　the　suggestion　of　the　editor　of　the　〃Lowell　Offering〃　w