a new england girlhood-第5章

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aper；　in　a　style　I　particularly　admired；　which　he　twisted　around　my　neck；　saying；　〃Now　I've　bought　you！　Now　you　are　my　girl。　Come；　go　home　with　me！〃

His　words　sounded　as　if　be　meant　them。　I　took　it　all　in　earnest；　and　ran；　scared　and　screaming；　to　my　father；　dashing　down　the　sugar…plums　I　wanted　so　much；　and　refusing　even　to　bestow　a　glance　upon　my　amused　purchaser。　My　father　pacified　me　by　taking　me　on　his　shoulders　and　carrying　me　〃pickaback〃　up　and　down　the　shop；　and　I　clung　to　him　in　the　happy　consciousness　that　I　belonged　to　him；　and　that　be　would　not　let　anybody　else　have　me；　though　I　did　not　feel　quite　easy　until　Captain　Cross　disappeared。　I　suppose　that　this　little　incident　has　always　remained　in　my　memory　because　it　then　for　the　first　time　became　a　fact　in　my　consciousness　that　my　father　really　loved　me　as　I　loved　him。　He　was　not　at　all　a　demonstrative　man；　and　any　petting　that　he　gave　us　children　could　not　fail　to　make　a　permanent　impression。

I　think　that　must　have　been　also　the　last　special　attention　I　received　from　him；　for　a　little　sister　appeared　soon　after；　whose　coming　was　announced　to　me　with　the　accompaniment　of　certain　mysterious　hints　about　my　nose　being　out　of　joint。　I　examined　that　feature　carefully　in　the　looking　glass；　but　could　not　discover　anything　usual　about　it。　It　was　quite　beyond　me　to　imagine　that　our　innocent　little　baby　could　have　anything　to　do　with　the　possible　disfigurement　of　my　face；　but　she　did　absorb　the　fondness　of　the　whole　family；　myself　included；　and　she　became　my　father's　playmate　and　darling；　the　very　apple　of　his　eye。　I　used　sometimes　to　wish　I　were　a　baby　too；　so　that　he　would　notice　me；　but　gradually　I　accepted　the　situation。

Aunt　Hannah　used　her　kitchen　or　her　sitting　room　for　a　schoolroom；　as　best　suited　her　convenience。　We　were　delighted　observers　of　her　culinary　operations　and　other　employments。　If　a　baby's　head　nodded；　a　little　bed　was　made　for　it　on　a　soft　〃comforter〃　in　the　corner；　where　it　had　its　nap　out　undisturbed。　But　this　did　not　often　happen；　there　were　so　many　interesting　things　going　on　that　we　seldom　became　sleepy。

Aunt　Hannah　was　very　kind　and　motherly；　but　she　kept　us　in　fear　of　her　ferule；　which　indicated　to　us　a　possibility　of　smarting　palms。　This　ferule　was　shaped　much　like　the　stick　with　which　she　stirred　her　hasty　pudding　for　dinner；I　thought　it　was　the　same；　and　I　found　myself　caught　in　a　whirlwind　of　family　laughter　by　reporting　at　home　that　〃Aunt　Hannah　punished　the　scholars　with　the　pudding…stick。〃

There　was　one　colored　boy　in　school；　who　did　not　sit　on　a　bench；　like　the　rest；　but　on　a　block　of　wood　that　looked　like　a　backlog　turned　endwise。　Aunt　Hannah　often　called　him　a　〃blockhead；〃　and　I　supposed　it　was　because　he　sat　on　that　block。　Sometimes；　in　his　absence；　a　boy　was　made　to　sit　in　his　place　for　punishment；　for　being　a　〃blockhead　〃　too；　as　I　imagined。　I　hoped　I　should　never　be　put　there。　Stupid　little　girls　received　a　different　treatment；　an　occasional　rap　on　the　head　with　the　teacher's　thimble；　accompanied　with　a　half…whispered；　impatient　ejaculation；　which　sounded　very　much　like　〃Numskull！〃　I　think　this　was　a　rare　occurrence；　however；　for　she　was　a　good…natured；　much…enduring　woman。

One　of　our　greatest　school　pleasures　was　to　watch　Aunt　Hannah　spinning　on　her　flax…wheel；　wetting　her　thumb　and　forefinger　at　her　lips　to　twist　the　thread；　keeping　time；　meanwhile；　to　some　quaint　old　tune　with　her　foot　upon　the　treadle。

A　verse　of　one　of　her　hymns；　which　I　never　heard　anybody　else　sing；　resounds　in　the　farthest　corner　of　my　memory　yet：〃

〃Whither　goest　thou；　pilgrim　stranger；　Wandering　through　this　lowly　vale？　Knowest　thou　not　't　is　full　of　danger？　And　will　not　thy　courage　fail？〃

Then　a　little　pause；　and　the　refrain　of　the　answer　broke　in　with　a　change；　quick　and　jubilant；　the　treadle　moving　more　rapidly；　also：　…

〃No；　I'm　bound　for　the　kingdom！　Will　you　go　to　glory　with　me？　Hallelujah！　Praise　the　Lord！〃

I　began　to　go　to　school　when　I　was　about　two　years　old；　as　other　children　about　us　did。　The　mothers　of　those　large　families　had　to　resort　to　some　means　of　keeping　their　little　ones　out　of　mischief；　while　they　attended　to　their　domestic　duties。　Not　much　more　than　that　sort　of　temporary　guardianship　was　expected　of　the　good　dame　who　had　us　in　charge。

But　I　learned　my　letters　in　a　few　days；　standing　at　Aunt　Hannah's　knee　while　she　pointed　them　out　in　the　spelling…book　with　a　pin；　skipping　over　the　〃a　b　abs　〃　into　words　of　one　and　two　syllables；　thence　taking　a　flying　leap　into　the　New　Testament；　in　which　there　is　concurrent　family　testimony　that　I　was　reading　at　the　age　of　two　years　and　a　half。　Certain　it　is　that　a　few　passages　in　the　Bible；　whenever　I　read　them　now；　do　not　fail　to　bring　before　me　a　vision　of　Aunt　Hannah's　somewhat　sternly　smiling　lips；　with　her　spectacles　just　above　them；　far　down　on　her　nose；　encouraging　me　to　pronounce　the　hard　words。　I　think　she　tried　to　choose　for　me　the　least　difficult　verses；　or　perhaps　those　of　which　she　was　herself　especially　fond。　Those　which　I　distinctly　recall　are　the　Beatitudes；　the　Twenty…third　Psalm；　parts　of　the　first　and　fourteenth　chapters　of　the　Gospel　of　St。　John；　and　the　thirteenth　chapter　of　the　First　Epistle　to　the　Corinthians。

I　liked　to　say　over　the　〃Blesseds；〃the　shortest　ones　best；　about　the　meek　and　the　pure　in　heart；　and　the　two　〃In　the　beginnings；〃　both　in　Genesis　and　John。　Every　child's　earliest　and　proudest　Scriptural　conquest　in　school　was；　almost　as　a　matter　of　course；　the　first　verse　in　the　Bible。

But　the　passage　which　I　learned　first；　and　most　delighted　to　repeat　after　Aunt　Hannah；I　think　it　must　have　been　her　favorite　too；was；　〃Let　not　your　heart　be　troubled。　In　my　Father's　house　are　many　mansions。〃

The　Voice　in　the　Book　seemed　so　tender！　Somebody　was　speaking　who　had　a　heart；　and　who　knew　that　even　a　little　child's　heart　was　sometimes　troubled。　And　it　was　a　Voice　that　called　us　somewhere；　to　the　Father's　house；　with　its　many　mansions；　so　sunshiny　and　so　large。

It　was　a　beautiful　vision　that　came　to　me　with　the　words；I　could　see　it　best　with　my　eyes　shut；…a　great；　dim　Door　standing　ajar；　opening　out　of　rosy　morning　mists；　overhung　with　swaying　vines　and　arching　boughs　that　were　full　of　birds；　and　from　beyond　the　Door；　the　ripple　of　running　waters；　and　the　sound　of　many　happy　voices；　and　above　them　all　the　One　Voice　that　was　saying；　〃I　go　to　prepare　a　place　for　you。〃　The　vision　gave　me　a　sens

of　freedom；　fearless　and　infinite。　What　was　there　to　be　afraid　of　anywhere？　Even　we　little　children　could　see　the　open　door　of　our　Father's　house。　We　were　playing　around　its　threshold　now；　and　we　need　never　wander　out　of　sight　of　it。　The　feeling　was　a　vague　one；　but　it　was　like　a　remembrance。　The　spacious　mansions　were　not　far　away。　They　were　my　home。　I　had　known　them；　and　should　return　to　them　again。

This　dim　half…memory；　which　perhaps　comes　to　all　children；　I　had　felt　when　younger　still；　almost　before　I　could　walk。　Sitting　on　the　floor　in　a　square　of　sunshine　made　by　an　open　window；　the　leaf…shadows　from　great　boughs　outside　dancing　and　wavering　around　me；　I　seemed　to　be　talking　to　them　and　they　to　me　in　unknown　tongues；　that　left　within　me　an　ecstasy　yet　unforgotten。　These　shadows　had　brought　a　message　to　me　from　an　unseen　Somewhere；　which　my　baby　heart　was　to　keep　forever。　The　wonder　of　that　moment　often　returns。　Shadow…traceries　of　bough　and　leaf　still　seem　to　me　like　the　hieroglyphics　of　a　lost　language。

The　stars　brought　me　the　same　feeling。　I　remember　the　surprise　they　were　to　me；　seen　for　the　first　time。　One　evening；　just　before　I　was　put　to　bed；　I　was　taken　in　somebody's　armsmy　sister's；　I　thinkoutside　the　door；　and　lifted　up　under　the　dark；　still；　clear　sky；　splendid　with　stars；　thicker　and　nearer　earth　than　they　have　ever　seemed　since。　All　my　little　being　shaped　itself　into　a　subdued　delighted　〃Oh！〃　And　then　the　exultant　thought　flitted　through　the　mind　of　the　reluctant　child；　as　she　was　carried　in；　〃Why；　that　is　the　roof　of　the　house　I　live　in。〃　After　that　I　always　went　to　sleep　happier　for　the　feeling　that　the　stars　were　outside　there　in　the　dark；　though　I　could　not　see　them。

I　did　firmly　believe　that　I　came　from　some　other　country　to　this；　I　had　a　vague　notion　that　we　were　all　here　on　a　journey；that　this　was　not　the　place　where　we　really　belonged。　Some　of　the　family　have　told　me　that　before　I　could　talk　plainly；　I　used　to　run　about　humming　the　sentence

〃My　father　and　mother　Shall　come　unto　the　land；〃

sometimes　varying　it　with；

〃My　brothers　and　sisters　Shall　come　unto　the　land；〃

Nobody　knew　where　I　had　caught　the　words；　but　I　chanted　them　so　constantly　that　my　brother　wrote　them　down；　with　chalk；　on　the　under　side　of　a　table；　where　they　remained　for　years。　My　thought　about　that　other　land　may　have　been　only　a　baby's　dream；　but　the　dream　was　very　real　to　me。　I　used　to　talk；　in　sober　earnest；　about　what　happened　〃before　I　was　a　little　girl；　and　came　here　to　live〃；　and　it　did　seem　to　me　as　if　I　remembered。


But　I　was　hearty　and　robust；　full　of　frolicsome　health；　and　very　fond　of　the　matter…of…fact　world　I　lived　in。　My　sturdy　little　feet　felt　the　solid　earth　beneath　them。　I　grew　with　the　sprouting　grass；　and　enjoyed　my　life　as　the　buds　and　birds　seemed　to　enjoy　theirs。　It　was　only　as　if　the　bud　and　the　bird　and　the　dear　warm　earth　knew；　in　the　same　dumb　way　that　I　did；　that　all　their　joy　and　sweetness　came　to　them　out　of　the　sky。

These　recollections；　that　so　distinctly　belong　the　baby　Myself；　before　she　could　speak　her　thoughts；　though　clear　and　vivid；　are　difficult　to　put　into　shape。　But　other　grown…up　children；　in　looking　back；　will　doubtless　see　many　a　trailing　cloud　of　glory；　that　lighted　their　unconscious　infancy　from　within　and　from　beyond。

I　was　quite　as　literal　as　I　was　visionary　in　my　mental　renderings　of　the　New　Testament；　read　at　Aunt　Hannah's　knee。　I　was　much　taken　with　the　sound　of　words；　without　any　thought　of　their　meaninga　habit　not　always　outgrown　with　childhood。　The　〃sounding　brass　and　tinkling　cymbals；〃　for　instance；　in　the　Epistle　to　the　Corinthians；　seemed　to　me　things　to　be　greatly　desired。　〃Charity〃　was　an　abstract　idea。　I　did　not　know　what　it　meant。　But　〃tinkling　cymbals〃　one　could　make　music　with。　I　wished　I　could　get　hold　of　them。　It　never　occurred　to　me　that　the　Apostle　meant　to　speak　of　their　melody　slightingly。

At　meeting；　where　I　began　to　go　also　at　two　years　of　age；　I　made　my　own　private　interpretations　of　the　Bible　readings。　They　were　absurd　enough；　but　after　getting　laughed　at　a　few　times　at　home　for　making　them　public；　I　escaped　mortification　by　forming　a　habit　of　great　reserve　as　to　my　Sabbath…day　thoughts。

When　the　minister　read；　〃Cut　it　down：　why　cumbereth　it　the　ground？〃？　I　thought　he　meant　to　say　〃cu…cumbereth。〃　These　vegetables　grew　on　the　ground；　and　I　had　heard　that　they　were　not　very　good　for　people　to　eat。　I　honestly　supposed　that　the　New　Testament　forbade　the　cultivation　of　cucumbers。

And　〃Galilee〃　I　understood　as　a　mispronunciation　of　〃gallery。〃　〃Going　up　into　Galilee〃　I　interpreted　into　clattering　up　the　uncarpeted　stairs　in　the　meeting…house　porch；　as　the　boys　did；　with　their　squeaking　brogans；　looking　as　restless　as　imprisoned　monkeys　after　they　had　got　into　those　consp